Chapter 12: Revelation, Part II

June 1981, Milford, Ohio

I took my clothes off and got back into bed with Kara, pulling her close to me. She snuggled and sighed.

“Much better!” she said. “Now, it’s time for you to tell me everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yes. How you really feel about Jennifer. Not what you think I want to hear. How you really feel about Karin. And Bethany, Joyce. And Elyse.”

I lay quietly for a few moments, considering how I explain my feelings.

“It’s confusing,” I finally said. “I had everything ordered nice and neat before I met you. I was dating Bethany, and she knew that I’d be with Jennifer in Chicago and then see Karin next year. I expected things to work out with Jennifer, but Bethany didn’t. I was absolutely sure I would end up with one of those two.”

“What about Karin?”

“She was a wildcard, but I was reasonably sure that in the end, I’d be with Jennifer. Sure, I’d go to Sweden and Karin and I would have our fling, but I’d come back to Jennifer and given the distance, I’d end up deciding to be with Jennifer. I’ve told people she was going to be my wife and that we’d have kids. So, even though Karin was lurking in the background, Jennifer was my choice.”

“So what about Bethany?” Kara asked.

“I guess I’d have to say, in all honesty, that she was my second choice. If, for some reason, things didn’t work out with Jennifer, Bethany would be there for me. She knew that she was playing second fiddle to Jennifer and that things with Jennifer had to fall apart for her to get what she wanted. In a sense, Jennifer set up that situation by encouraging Bethany to ask me to the Turnabout dance during Freshman year. Bethany fell in love with me, which Jennifer didn’t plan on, and I didn’t realize until much later.”

“You never thought you would be with Bethany?”

“I did, but only when I was bummed about something going on with Jennifer.”

“And then you met me.”

“Meeting you wasn’t the issue,” I said. “It was making love with you in January that changed everything. All of a sudden, there was a true competitor for Jennifer. Honestly, I expected to have a brief fling with you and move on. Instead, I fell in love with you. That made things very complicated. I had second thoughts about Jennifer. I had second thoughts about Bethany. Karin was basically pushed down to fourth place, if she even had a place. You threw my life into complete turmoil!”

“I’d say we did that to each other,” Kara replied. “My life is in complete turmoil now. I had sex before marriage! I gave my virginity to a guy who collects hymens like baseball cards! And yet, I fell in love with him. I wouldn’t trade the feeling of his body against mine, moving in mine, for anything in this world. That’s why I can’t give up having sex with you. That’s why I was willing to cross that bright red line of needing to be exclusive in order to make love.”

I smiled, “I like making love with you too, Kara. And that was the event that created the confusion. All of a sudden, I wasn’t sure what to do. I kept my plans with Jennifer. Maybe I kept them because I gave my word to her and I didn’t want to break it. Maybe I kept them because it was what I had planned to do. Or maybe I kept them because I loved her more than anyone else, including Birgit.”

“Do you still love her like that?”

“Of course. But I’m not in love with her any more. I can’t be. Twice now she hasn’t told me important things. The first time was about something that wasn’t her decision. As much as it hurt me that she didn’t tell me, I could see why she felt the need to wait to tell me until we were together. The second time was totally different. She made a decision to do something in January, if not before, and didn’t tell me about it until June. Not only that, but she let me go merrily on making plans based on an agreement that she had already decided to ignore.”

“She hurt you badly. She violated your trust. So why see her now? She told you the reasons, and you felt they weren’t that good enough, right?”

Kara’s tone wasn’t accusatory, but questioning. She was trying to feel me out for what I really thought.

“I thought they weren’t. But Jennie pointed out that I needed to talk it out with Jennifer, for my sake, for Jennifer’s sake, and, Kara, for your sake. Jennie felt I needed closure, like I had with Birgit, or it would always bother me. And then, someday, if Jennifer and I would meet, the same thing that happened with Becky might happen with Jennifer. That scared me enough that I knew I needed to talk things out with Jennifer.”

“What do you hope to get by doing that?”

“Closure. I want to really understand why she did it and I want to figure out how to be friends with her going forward.”

“Just friends? Is that where it stops?”

“I don’t see how it could be anything more. I don’t trust her not to hide things from me. She has a history of doing that beyond just the two big ones I told you about. It’s a pattern. I let it go because, for the most part, it didn’t matter. Now, it matters. So, yes, just friends.”

“And you’ll never want to make love with her ever again?”

I smiled, “That’s not a fair question! What I want and what I should do are not the same things. It’s entirely possible to want something but never act on that desire. I believe it’s called temptation and I do believe that you think it can and should be resisted!” I chuckled.

“Good point!” she giggled. “I failed miserably on that one in the sex department!”

“Not from my perspective!” I said with a huge grin. “But back to the main topic. You and I agreed on being steady, and I violated your trust and my word. You were loving and kind and forgiving, which still blows my mind. As the months went on, I realized that we might have a future. By the time your birthday came, I was thinking quite differently. I was still planning on being with Jennifer, but I gave you that diamond that’s nestled so sweetly between your gorgeous breasts right now.

“At that point, something had changed in my mind, though I was still talking about Jennifer and Chicago. I know you blame yourself for breaking things off the day before Prom, but honestly, I’m to blame. I was so concerned about keeping my promise to Jennifer that I failed to really admit how I felt about you. And because I failed to admit that and failed to talk to Jennifer about it, you felt you had to break up with me the day before Prom.

“You had good intentions with the timing. You were allowing Bethany to have her Prom night to remember, with the assumption that I was going to be with Jennifer anyway, so what did one more girl matter? But you made another miscalculation there. Bethany not only didn’t require me to be exclusive with her, it was to her advantage to let me play around.”

“How so?” Kara asked.

“Because that struck a blow at you. Every girl I had sex with was a dagger in your heart, aimed by Bethany. She knew that you were the real competition, and you gave her the weapons she needed to win. She just has to be herself and every girl, old or new, that I’m with pushes you further and further away. She was totally sure that Jennifer and I would never work out. She was sure that the distance would mean Karin and I never would get together. If she pushed you out of the way, the field is clear for her.”

“Is she really that cold and calculating? And why would you want her if she is?”

“I don’t think she’s cold and calculating, but I do think she’s smart enough to see that all she has to do is to be herself. And that means giving me freedom. Freedom that in the end pushes you away. Now, a couple of days after Prom, Jennifer drops the bomb on me. I get upset. I realize that I’ve been an idiot and, as my dad said, had put too much faith in Jennifer and based too many plans on her. Part of that realization is that I’ve had my perfect girl right next to me for months.

“Of course, then I made a major mistake and confided in my little sister that I intended to pick one of you and begin the path towards marriage. It’ll take all of college, but I was going to make a choice. I had, in my mind, settled on a choice. I didn’t tell her, but she guessed correctly. The thing is, WHO I was choosing wasn’t nearly as important as the fact that I WAS choosing.

“As we all know, Stephanie freaked out. She didn’t want Jennifer to lose. Her solution was to call Karin and tell her that if she didn’t come to the US, she wouldn’t have a chance because I was going to pick you, and that would mean Karin had no chance. Now, I know that Karin’s parents want us to be together, so it’s no surprise that they agreed to let her come immediately. My sister got what she wanted — turmoil. Turmoil that would prevent me from picking you.

“Stephanie knew that in my emotional state, I’d agree to let Karin visit. What my sister wanted to happen was for me and Karin to hit it off, just well enough to stop me from committing to you, but not so well that Karin and I ended up committing to each other. That would buy time for Jennifer and me to reconcile. What my sister didn’t figure into the equation was that I didn’t WANT to reconcile with Jennifer, and even if I did, she was playing a risky game because for all she knew, I might decide on Karin.

“But, all that said, Stephanie got exactly what she wanted. Turmoil. Events played into her hands with Jennifer coming to visit, which created even more turmoil. When you became upset last night, that was exactly what Stephanie wanted. It helped Bethany too, but she was able to stay above the fray because the whole Karin/Jennifer thing really is Stephanie’s doing. So, here we are, having been dealt a lousy hand. It’s a total mess with no good solutions.”

Kara sighed, “I agree. I guess from my side, I’m trying to fix something that I did. I made a big mistake because of my own insecurity. If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. You and I would still be steady, and I don’t think I’d have had to deal with it. But I made the mistake of assuming things were going to go the way you wanted. I had to let you go the way I did so that I could have you back when you and Jennifer didn’t work out. I was resigned to the fact that you’d be with her and that she would give you the same kind of freedom that she always had. And I was prepared to deal with that. It’s not like you hadn’t slept with half the girls in Milford before then!”

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I understand the point,” I chuckled.

“So when Jennifer told you that she wasn’t coming to Chicago, I realized that I had made a huge mistake. Before I could really discuss it with you, your little sister had already arranged for Karin to come here. I knew in my heart of hearts that you and she needed to work things out and that sex was most likely part of that process. Like I said, I was already resigned to you having a year to fool around however you wanted. That wasn’t ideal, but you were going to break up with me when you went to Chicago, so I couldn’t really have avoided it.

“That left me with a major problem, and it’s all your fault! I like sex. No, I LOVE sex. I didn’t want to stop. Once you showed me what it was like, I wanted it. I needed it. And I needed to do it with you. I knew that you were going to have sex with other girls, no matter what. So I had to decide what to do. And, well, you know the result. Here I am, naked with you, lying in the wet spot!” she giggled. “Again!”

“From my perspective,” she continued, “everything that could go wrong went wrong. The question now is, how do we deal with it? And I don’t have the answer to that. I’m confused,” she sighed. “Let me ask a hypothetical question. If we were together until August, what would have happened when you went to Chicago?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I replied. “It’s so hard to think that through knowing all the stuff I know now. I guess I would have kept things as they are between us, though a long-distance relationship would be tough. It might or might not have worked out. Jennifer and I kind of kept our relationship going at a long distance, but there were all kinds of things about that situation that were very different from the one we find ourselves in.”

“One thing about you that I discovered in talking to Joyce,” Kara said, “is that you more or less divide sex into different categories. I’m not talking about the difference between lovemaking and fucking here, but your reasons for doing it. I think it can be divided by the Greek words for love. Do you know those from studying the Bible?”

“You mean «philia», «érōs», and «agápē»?”

“Yes!” she said brightly. “I think those are good divisions. Let’s just say, according to what you’ve said and what I heard from Joyce and to a lesser extent, Bethany, you have lots of «érōs» sex. In other words, just because it feels good. That’s all the girls you’re with that are ‘dalliances’, I think, is the term Bethany used. Mostly, you only are with those girls once or twice, then you move on to some other girl.”

“You also have a few girls that you have «philia» sex with, it’s not just to feel good, but to provide emotional support. That’s what you did for Katt and what Joyce did with you, and, if I’m honest, will do with you again before the Summer is out.”

I certainly must have had a total look of surprise on my face.

Kara smiled, “Come on Steve. You know that with Joyce, well, it was only a matter of time. It was going to happen once Jennifer told you that she was going to Stanford. You and Joyce NEED to do that, and I’m somewhat surprised that you haven’t done it already. But you seem to be exercising serious self-control there.”