Chapter 8: Regret

searing pain

almighty grief

Trip woke up with a scream, almost unable to breathe. His tossing and turning had stirred T'Pol awake too. As his eyes opened, she had instinctively embraced him and pressed him to her body – a bit too firmly. His face had landed between two prominent upper body features, but he was too shaken to notice this rather delicate predicament until his scared mind became clear again.

"Aff much af I appreciate the fituation..." he sighed in a muffled voice once he had regained his calm. T'Pol released him from her firm grip.

"We should start practicing Suus-Mahna with less clothing. That's the first time, I've enjoyed a choking move," he joked lamely to gloss over his shaking.

"This is the third consecutive night in which you have experienced disturbing images in your sleep."

"You saw them, too?" Trip asked, concerned that he would even share his nightmares through their bond.

"No, but I sensed your most disturbing emotions – pain, grief; overwhelming sadness."

"Yeah, and they're not mine. I need to go to the Embassy, I gotta talk to Soval."

"At this time? It's 0430."

"If he's anything like most Vulcans, he's been already up and about for half an hour," he reminded her.

"At this time in the morning, he is usually in the garden," T'Pol relented. "He enjoys long walks in silence to calm his mind."

"OK, I'll be off," Trip muttered, dashing into the bathroom for his morning hygiene before leaving.

T'Pol silently enjoyed the naked form of her mate.

"May I inquire about your name and the purpose of your visit?"

"I am Charles Tucker III of the clan Sh'hiran'lin'iijyliunh'rei'iy'iukn'hy'wen'lhia'ehrm'n, I need to speak to Soval."

Seeing the barely hidden surprise on the young Vulcan aide's features, he added with a smug grin: "Yeah, I know, took me two days to learn to pronounce that name. Is he in the garden?"

The young aide nodded silently and watched the human walk into the building.

"You have been at her deathbed, haven't you?"

Soval was shocked out of his silent contemplation. He had not even noticed the human's approach. The only human member of his clan was standing on the gravel path, ten strides away.

"Charles?"

"Yeah. Ever since our mind-meld I've been having some mightily disturbing dreams and I'm pretty sure they're from your memories."

"I regret the intrusion. It appears my mental shielding failed at some point."

"Don't fret about it, Soval. That's not why I'm here. If those dreams are anything to go by, you are trying to suppress some horrible emotions, and it looks a hell of a lot like you're failing at it. It might not be the Vulcan way, but I'm obviously no Vulcan and I can offer you a human way of help. I'm family, after all."

"I believe you refer to talking about what caused the emotion," Soval replied dryly. "I do not see any logic in that."

"That surprises me, because another Vulcan saw exactly that logic, over a year ago, in the Expanse."

"Meaning?" Soval inquired as Trip fell in step next to time. His hands hidden in the wide sleeves of his robe he walked with the human, waiting for the explanation.

"When my younger sister Elizabeth died, I went into denial. I refused to see her as anything but just another of 7 million victims. That went on until a Vulcan female came along and made me talk. She made me understand that remembering her was a much more suitable way to honor her rather than keeping silent about her very existence. Don't you think it would be a better way to honor your t'hy'la if you told me about her?"

"I see the logic. However I do not trust my control when this particular memory is recalled," the Ambassador admitted. He was surprised how much insight the human possessed whom he had once considered unqualified to be part of humanities first deep space mission.

"What are you afraid of, that I would think less of you, Soval?" the human challenged him in a calm voice. "As soon as I told your people our clan name, your aides behaved as if I was god himself. I don't know if that's because a human manged to pronounce it without choking to death in the process or if the clan's just that important on Vulcan or something, but, when I told them not to disturb us until we're back, they immediately acquiesced. That means, should the unspeakable, namely you showing an emotional response, happen, I'm going to be the only one around to see it. As a human I'm kinda used to it, y'know."

"Our clan is indeed very powerful on Vulcan," the gray-haired Vulcan explained and decided to submit to the human's superior logic. "You are correct, however, that silencing the memory of Rosalie would not be a way to honor her existence."

"Doesn't sound like a Vulcan name to me."

"No," Soval agreed evenly. "Rosalie Swindon was a human female who worked at the Vulcan Embassy when I became Ambassador to Earth. We often worked closely together and I soon realized that she was my eternal soul-mate."

I'll be damned! Trip thought. "So you bonded?"

"No, we could not bond," Soval answered and Trip noticed how thick with emotion Soval's voice was. "My telepathic abilities are minor compared to T'Pol's. My mind was not strong enough to reach Rosalie. Not all humans are readily adaptable to telepathy and I did not know about bonds between humans and Vulcans what I do know now. Your mind is most agile, which is why you were able to adapt to T'Pol so easily."

"Sorry to hear that."

"It was of no consequence. When the Vulcan High Command learned of our relationship, they threatened to punish us both unless I underwent the Fullara at the monastery at P'Jem."

"She was an Earth citizen. The VHC had no jurisdiction over her," Trip argued as if it would make a difference.

"Do you really believe that would have stopped V'Las, Charles? He resorted to assassination if it served his agenda. Rosalie was in grave danger, so I underwent the ritual."

"What exactly is this Fullara anyway?"

"It's a ritual that suppresses certain memories permanently."

"Brainwashing?"

"A crude, but fitting metaphor," the Vulcan acknowledged and it was almost impossible to miss the emotion in the normally disciplined Abassador's voice. "It did not work however – not for long, at least, as the memories returned after mere days. They were simply too strong."

"I can see that. Is that why she died? Did the High Command kill her?"

"No. I returned to my post and pretended to have no memory of her. Such action on my part was impossible for her to bear and Rosalie left her own posting not long after my return; we did not see each other for over 45 years, until she fell gravely ill a year ago. When I learned of it, I went to see her."

"That's what I keep seeing in my dreams, isn't it?" Trip realized in shock. "You were in love with her and you didn't see her for 45 years? How did you stand the pain? When I went to Columbia, I was separated from T'Pol for two weeks and it drove me crazy. I was insufferable and so cranky that several people requested transfers after just one day with me. I attempted what you did and it didn't even work for two weeks. That's why you changed isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Soval asked.

"For the first three years of our mission, you were cranky, insufferable, and sometimes even resentful. About nine months ago, when we returned from the Expanse, you were changed. Jon told me you even thanked him and shook his hand for it and you championed T'Pol when she applied for her commission in Starfleet. When the Embassy on Vulcan was bombed, you openly sided with us and you were ready to burn all bridges with the High Command."

"Most perceptive," the Vulcan admitted with a small nod. "I hid behind a somewhat disagreeable persona to protect Rosalie. As long as the High Command believed that I had no memory of her... ," Soval started shaking.

"What's that?" Trip asked, pointing to a small building.

"Private meditation chamber," Soval answered in a strangled voice.

"Come on," Trip said and practically dragged Soval into the building, closing and locking the door. "So as long as they thought you had forgotten her..."

"They did not try to punish her, as long as I kept the facade of my critical stance towards humanity. I worked secretly with Maxwell Forrest to further humanity's progress within the limits that were defined by my deception of the High Command. He was the only other to know what I have told you today. One day, he came to my office and informed me that she was gravely ill and her life was nearing its end."

Trip saw tears running down Soval's face. He had never seen any significant show of emotion on Soval's face before, seeing the man in tears was extremely unsettling. Too late he realized that Soval was going up a raging river of emotions without a paddle.

"I decided to seek her out, to see her one last time," the Ambassador struggled to say amid strengthening sobs. "She was content when she noticed my presence. We were one at last. When she was gone..."

The dam broke and Soval lost the fight with his grief. An earsplitting scream of agony filled the chamber. And then all hell was let loose.

T'Pol had her arms slung around her trembling mate. He had returned from the meeting with Ambassador Soval, barely hanging on to consciousness and his control. The moment she had touched him he had broken down in tears. The touch-telepathic contact with him was the most frightening experience of her life as she realized what a mixture of pure pain, rage and grief ravaged the mind of her mate. She realized that he had not only made Soval face his emotions. unwittingly he had also opened his own wounds, caused by his ill-fated attempts to hide the pain caused by his father. Now they were bleeding.

"You should have seen it," Trip managed to say between sobs. "He tore the whole place to pieces with his bare hands."

"A Vulcan who is overcome by his emotions is a very disturbing sight."

"Forty-five years! Forty-five fucking years! If I EVER get my hands on that V'Las bastard, I'm gonna disembowel the fuckin' shithead with my bare hands, just for what he's done to them."

His ripe language worried her. It appeared that her mate had taken on a lot of pain on behalf of a clansman. She wondered if it had been such a good idea.

"How is Soval?" she asked, trying to calm him down by making him talk.

"He's better now that the emotions have been purged. But, damn, that's nothing I wanna see ever again."

"You took a great risk to help a family member in distress."

"It was worth it," he said and to T'Pol's relief the worst emotions seemed to have been purged as he became more successful at calming himself. "Nobody deserves to live in so much pain. He lost the love of his life and his best friend, all in one year."

"You've done well."

"Hope so. After he was done wrecking the meditation chamber, we returned to the Embassy building and meditated. He even showed me some new techniques. He's much better now. Didn't do much for me though. At least I could get out of the Embassy without losing it."

"I'm gratified to hear that."

"Darlin', I was wondering, when Soval became Ambassador, he must have been like a hundred or so. If he found his soul-mate here, what's happened in the first 100 years?"

"He was betrothed in childhood and later bonded as it is tradition, but his mate died in a battle at Paan Mokar. After her death, he asked for a posting on Earth."

"And we now know how that went. But what's with that ... you know ... seven year itch."

"Soval is not a strong telepath, but he has a most powerful emotional control. He is one of very few Vulcans who have survived the throes of pon-farr in intense meditation and one of only a few select individuals to have done so more than once."

"If he's able to cheat death by meditating, I shouldn't have been able to break his control simply by letting him talk to me."

"He allowed you to. You provided him a logical reason to give up his control by your offering a human method of help as a clansman. He would have been able to bear the pain without that help, but it would also have poisoned his katra as time went on. You have done him an invaluable service."

T'Pol gently rubbed the back of her mate, who desperately clung to her. His mind was most likely still horrified at the thought of living half a century without his soul-mate and her own mind got scared by the idea too and due to the shorter human lifespan for her it was an almost inevitable prospect.

Hoshi and Malcolm watched their friends as they entered the mess hall. After collecting their food, they found their table and joined them in silence.

"You two don't look too well," Malcom half-asked, half-stated.

"Yeah, had a rough day, Malcolm," the chief engineer admitted, running his fingers through his blond hair.

"Something you want to talk about?" Hoshi offered.

"Not now, thanks. What's new with you?"

"We're going to visit Hoshi's parents," Malcolm said, rolling his eyes.

"Getting serious, aren't we?" Trip smiled weakly.

"My parents want to see the handsome gentleman who turned my life upside down in just a few days," Hoshi purred and got a loving glance from Malcolm.

"What are you two up to?" she asked.

"Well, I hope Starfleet nails a fourth pip to T'Pol's collar soon. Then we're going to visit my folks."

"Prepare for more colorful phrases, T'Pol," Hoshi giggled.

"It would be logical to assume that Trip inherited this aspect of his character from his ancestors."

"You have no idea," Hoshi answered, still giggling. "The universal translator has four options for English: Standard, American, Southern Drawl and Charles Tucker, Jr."

"Maybe we should bring the universal translator when we visit your parents," T'Pol offered with an amused eyebrow-lift.

"Don' ya worry sweetheart, ya goin' ta be jus' fine," Trip answered in his best imitation of his dad's hideous drawl and laughter erupted around the table. But it died down just as quickly when everyone noticed Trip's serious look.

"We don't even know if he'll be there," Trip said. "I gave him an ultimatum. He either got his xenophobia out of his system or he stays the hell away from home when we come back."

"Are we talking about the same Charles Tucker jr?" Hoshi asked with a doubtful and fairly confused look. She had been a guest with Trip during her wild days at STC, and the man had become like a second father to her.

Trip gave them a summary of what happened after the Xindi mission. By the time he was finished, Hoshi was hopping mad.

"If you punch him in the face, add a second one for me, will you?"

"Attention to orders," the Admiral barked and all officers stood at attention.

"T'Pol of Vulcan, by order SFC-851432 of Starfleet Command, effective immediately, I promote you to Captain and place you in command of the Starfleet vessel NX-01 Enterprise," Gardner read from a pad.

Knowing that Vulcans were very wary of close proximity, he had amended the proceedings by asking Commander Charles Tucker to take on the task of pinning the additional pips to her collar as well as those of the other promoted officers.

"Thank you, Admiral," the Vulcan said.

"Hoshi Sato, by order SFC-851433 of Starfleet Command, effective immediately, I promote you to Lieutenant."

Trip pinned her new insignia to her uniform and both shared a short hug.

"Malcolm Reed, by order SFC-851434 of Starfleet Command, effective immediately, I promote you to Commander and assign to you the duty of First Officer in addition to your duties as tactical officer aboard the Starfleet vessel NX-01 Enterprise."