Chapter 8

When I was of sound mind and a clear head, I liked to pride myself as a rational person, someone who knew the best thing to do. I would have known what the best course of action would be. I would have known whether it was wiser to wake Molly up and explain everything to her immediately, or wait under the following night when the household was just getting settled for the night.

I couldn’t be labeled ‘of sound mind’ from the moment Chris caught me. Once he gave me the twenty-four hour warning, I became a zombie. Before I myself knew it, I was waiting until nearly twenty of my hours were up, electing to talk to Molly the following evening. Was it the best course of action? I didn’t know. I wanted what was best for Molly, but ... fuck, I couldn’t start pretending I only had her best interests at heart now.

We saw each other during the day, just once or twice. Enough to make things awkward as hell for me. At one point, Chris was also in the room, and I didn’t even dare look at his face. I had to leave the room. Even if this was all a ruse and Molly knew, even if Sleeping Molly was actually just a devious Molly too afraid to tell me, I couldn’t face reality in front of Chris. It scared me too much.

It was just about midnight when I gathered strength I didn’t know I had, assertively knocking on the door and answering the open door with, “We need to talk.” Molly, of course, barely said a word, and worriedly invited me in. I took the invitation quickly, and sat down on her bed.

“ ... What’s going on?” Molly finally asked me. I was sitting on the edge of her bed, head buried in my hands, not knowing how to proceed.

“ ... How’re things with Carson?” I finally asked. “You still staying away from him?”

Molly broke into an annoyed smirk. “Aaron.” she chastised me. “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. What Carson did was ... uncool, but it’s in the past. He’s in the past. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ... let him in or anything. What did you call them? ‘Fuckboys?’ I’m taking your advice well.”

She sat down beside me on the bed and smiled warmly. “I appreciate that you care so much. But really, you don’t have to get worked up over this.”

I sighed heavily. “That’s ... not what I ... came over to say.” I began, my nervousness impacting my speech more than I could ever remember in my life. I felt like a weak, scared kitten. I knew that what I was about to say could destroy everything, and yet I had to be the one to do it.

“Okay...” Molly slowly replied, looking at me, confused. “What did you come over to say?”

“Look, I...” I tried again exasperatedly. “You shouldn’t ... you shouldn’t like me any better than Carson. I’m him. I’m worse than him. I’m a ... you shouldn’t be okay with me. At all.”

Molly’s eyes never left my face. “I don’t understand.”

Now or never. “Molly, I’ve had a crush on you for as long as I can remember. That’s the truth. That’s the long and short of it. I had a crush on you. I knew that you don’t, didn’t ... whatever, I knew the feelings weren’t exactly mutual. So I hid the feelings, but after that whole incident where we saw each other ... y’know ... naked ... I just thought there was something. I hoped, I fantasized, I fucking obsessed...”

Molly’s face sported a completely serious look. “Aaron, that’s completely fine.” she replied coolly. “You’re allowed to have feelings. I can’t say...” She tore her gaze away from me for the first time. “I can’t say they’re mutual, if we’re just going to be fully honest here.” She returned her stare to mine. “But this doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t have to impact our friendship. Just because you have a crush on me doesn’t have to undo our years of friendship together. I’m not in high school. I told you, I’m a big girl. I can take it.”

She took my hand and placed it into hers, and smiled gently. Instinctively, I pulled my hand away, guilt setting in more and more with each passing second.

Molly nodded weakly. “Right.” she replied awkwardly. “I guess if I just admitted to you the feelings aren’t mutual, holding my hand is kind of a ... consolation prize, huh?”

“No. No, it’s not that.” I felt the shakiness return to my voice. I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, not daring to look at her any longer from here on out. “I was already in a haze from seeing each other naked, and then we slept in the same bed.”

“Oh no, was it too much? That must have drove you crazy. You should have said s-”

“Molly, shut up.” I said with more anger at myself than for her. She didn’t reply, so I opened my eyes, and saw an even more serious look on her face. I couldn’t tell if she was angry at me, but at this point, I knew I needed to clear everything up for her.

“When you were asleep, something happened. I’m not sure if it was conscious, but you ... came on to me during your sleep.”

“Excuse me?” Molly asked, her serious face not waning.

“You started cuddling me and kissing my neck. I tried to wake you up, but you didn’t respond. I didn’t know if this was y-”

“Aaron, if this is a joke, it’s not funny.”

My heart sank. I had no clue why I held out any hope that she was intentionally doing this, but that hope was shrinking exponentially with each response Molly gave. “Molly, it’s no joke. You actually did this. You were cuddling me and kissing me. And I had years of pent-up romantic ... romantic tension with you, and I thought maybe this was your way of coming onto me but being too anxious to say it-”

“No! No it wasn’t!” Molly exclaimed incredulously. “If I did have any kind of f- wait.” She paused her story, straightening her back nervously. “How were you going to end that sentence?”

My fear reached a crescendo. I closed my eyes again. “I thought maybe this was your way of coming onto me, so I ... I k-kissed you back.”

Molly looked at me as if I just shot a family member. “You what?” she weakly asked me.

“I kissed you. On the collarbone. You ... seemed to enjoy it. Sleeping Molly ... seemed to enjoy it.”

“Sleeping Molly?! Aaron...” Molly tried to form words but none were coming. She looked mortified.

Fuck it. I was through the looking glass. It was time to push onward. “That night, I felt you up and f-fingered you to orgasm.” Molly said nothing, but sank her shoulders in and moved her arms in front of herself. She recoiled from my comment. “The next day, you looked so happy, and I wondered if I caused that. I thought I made you happy.”

I turned towards her for my last glimmer of hope. Maybe she’d realize I did make her happy. Maybe she’d shake it off, or see how I cared so much about her. Hell, maybe she’d spontaneously forget this whole thing happened and we could go back to being friends. All I needed to see was a smile on her cute, beautiful face.

Instead I saw a scowl, a horrified scowl, and a single tear dancing its way down her face. I had never seen Molly looking like this in my entire life. It didn’t even look like Molly. It just looked like some young woman, some poor young woman afraid for her life. My heart was on fire, every bit of breath getting caught in my throat.

“I wanted to know for sure, so the next day, when you were at school, I...” I threw my arms up in resignation. Couldn’t get much lower than here. “I went through your stuff. Your computer, your internet history. I found a bunch of porn stories. It ... they gave me hope. Like maybe you read a particularly crazy one and wanted to conduct your own scenarios or something.”

“Aaron, what the fuck...” Molly couldn’t muster the strength to do anything more than mutter those words, her hands now clutching at her chest and neck.

I couldn’t even look at her anymore. I couldn’t let her stop me. “So then there was this girl, this girl I was fucking, named Holly.” I paused. “Oh yeah, I have a lot of casual sex too. Yet another fucking thing I was hiding from you. Sue me.” At this point, using humor to detach myself from the situation was the only way I was getting through this. “Holly was, uh ... she’s kinda fucked. She learned I had a crush on you, and she asked me if I wanted to try to get it to happen again, to convert you or something.”

I heard a noise. A soft yet piercing noise. It sounded like the worst thing on the planet. What I said broke the dam, and now Molly was crying uncontrollably into her hands. I gulped and had to steel my own nerves. I had to continue. “She set everything up, planned a lot of it. She got me to destabilize your bed, she got me to plant the dog hair...”

Molly’s crying was quiet but noticeable before, but now her sobs were like screams. “No!!” she practically screamed into her hands.

I was crying now too. I could feel it. I had to continue. “I’m sorry, Molly. I-”

“Shut up! Just stop!!” her muffled cries begged me.

I ignored her. “When we shared the bed again, the second night, it happened again. More. You blew me.” I was now fully ready to yell to the world how disgusting I was. I turned to Molly. “You blew me, Molly. In your sleep. You don’t remember it, and I was too weak and too much of a monster to stop you.” My voice found this weird power to it, the kind of power you get when you know your world is already burning around you. I felt like I was going to pass out.

“So I took it a step farther. I got in your bed, after you were asleep. You blew me again, and ... I ate you out.”

“Please shut up!!” Molly’s voice was only getting more shrill as her crying never subsided.

My life was over. Any chance of me being with her was over. In a ‘fuck the world’ kind of way, it was almost freeing. Now at least she knew I was a sick fuck. “Then as I tried to sneak back out, Chris caught me, and forced me to tell you. And now, here we are.” I sighed deeply, the sounds of Molly’s inconsolable crying deafening to my ears. “I should have told you. I should have told you who I was before this sleeping shit even started happening.” I didn’t even know why I was still talking at this point, but I continued nonetheless. “This is me. This is who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m not even a fuckboy, I’m lower than anyone I’ve told you to stay away from.” I swallowed. “I’m a God damned monster.”

I was out of steam, and with another sigh, I collapsed down on the bed. A few seconds went by with nothing happening but Molly continuing to cry, before she eventually, slowly, lifted her head from her hands. Her eyes met with mine for maybe a second before she got up and bolted out of the room with lightning speed. I heard the front door slam and sighed again, raking my hands over my face.

It was over. I had told her. And the results were in – she had no idea what I was doing to her. She didn’t like it. I was indeed a fucking monster. With the last of my strength, I got up off the bed and calmly walked out of her room, shutting the door behind me.

As soon as I did, the bathroom light flicked on again and once again I saw Chris, leaning against the wall, this time nodding solemnly and approvingly.

“I shouldn’t even be fucking surprised at this point.” I muttered.

Chris ignored me. “You did the right thing by telling her.”

“You didn’t exactly give me much of a choice.”

“I gave you exactly that.” he replied calmly. “I gave you a choice, and you took it. But this in no way excuses your actions.”

“I fucking know.” I replied in disgust. “Go fuck yourself.”

Chris didn’t reply. I walked towards my door, then loudly sighed. I turned back to him and shrugged to the world. “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” Chris said in a voice just above a whisper.

“So what happens now?”

Chris looked towards the door where Molly left. “Molly left in a hurry but if I know her, she’ll be back again soon. We’ll talk. I heard your conversation but if I know anything she doesn’t, I’ll tell her. And I’ll be there to comfort her, if she thinks she can trust any male right now.” He paused for effect. “Molly really had a hard time trusting guys. You were basically one of two men she let into her life. You know what that makes you?”

“A scumbag?”

“If you’d like. I was going to go with ‘sick.’” Chris replied, unfolding his arms and getting up from his leaning stance. “I think you’re sick, not evil. If you’re ever going to listen to one thing I tell you ever again, please make it this: get professional help.”

“I’m not sure I can talk about this now.” I turned back towards my room, then a thought struck me. “What’s going to happen with our living situation? Am I going to have to move?”

Chris sighed. “I know our contracts have twelve-month leases, so kicking you out is not fair to either you or the landlord. If it were only unfair to you, I’d do it.” he pointed out seriously. “But it’s not up to me. If Molly is okay enough to talk about it, she’ll get to decide. And if she decides to press legal charges on you, I’m going to help her in every way I can.”

Fuck. I didn’t even think of that. Chris knew a lot about many things, and legal matters were definitely one of them. If Molly wanted to destroy my life for this ... for destroying hers ... Chris would be the perfect person to make sure it got done.

Chris remained even-faced. “I can’t do anything but support my friend in this. You were in the wrong, and you hurt her. You hurt her deeply.”

I simply eyed the floor and shrugged meekly. “If you didn’t make me tell her, and just made me not do this ever again, she’d be fine right now.”

I felt the back of my head hit the wall, followed my a flood of pain coming from my nose. I felt either mucus or blood instantly coming from my nostrils. My eyes watered. Chris had full-on punched me in the face. Emotionally and physically weak, all I could do was fall to the floor, clutching my nose.

I blinked a few times to move the tears away to see Chris, still holding a fist up, breathing heavily but still looking at me calmly. “Become a better person, Aaron.” was all he said, still as calm as the ocean, before slowly ascending up the stairs, eventually leaving my sight.

I coughed annoyedly, slowly getting up. The world was very unfair, but I was a part of that world. If I were of sound mind, I’m sure I could have seen myself outside of my own perspective and had a better grasp on what I was doing and what was good and bad.

But of course I wasn’t.

When I first came over, Holly peppered me with questions. She wanted to know how things went with Molly. After all, the last text she got from me was confirmation that I was going to try seducing Molly, then radio silence. It was understandable that she got ... curious.

In fact, if I didn’t know any better, when I showed up unannounced, relief would have been the first thing I saw splashed across her face. Maybe she thought that I would have gotten caught raping a girl in her sleep. And maybe she was right.

Blame it on the haze I was still in, but none of that mattered to me. I could only catch a glimpse of the relief leaving her face as I grabbed her by the throat and shoved her against the wall. This sadistic bitch was responsible for me losing the one thing in life I wanted the most – not even Molly, but a happy ending for her. Hopefully one with me in it, romantic or otherwise. It was crystal clear I wasn’t going to get that now, and Holly was the one to blame for it. That and my haze.

I closed the door with a swift kick, barely breaking my stride as I shoved Holly face-first into the wall, grabbing the skirt she was wearing and yanking it down onto the floor, followed by her panties. It sickened me to see her arch her back and hear her giggle. This was her fault. I didn’t want her to enjoy this.

When I first thrust myself inside her, after her initial gasp, she started babbling almost uncharacteristically. Asking me questions still, then moving to the sex, asking me if I enjoyed her body, telling me to use her, never shutting up. Eventually, my hand moved back around her throat in a silent order – a silent plea – to remain quiet. Talking made me think. Thinking lessened my haze. And I may have been blaming it, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to go away. Without the haze, there was only me, looking at myself. I couldn’t have that.

My hips – no, my entire body – moved by itself. I felt only the satisfaction of knowing Holly was impaled on me. Secretly, I hoped she was scared. She deserved to know how it felt to be on the other side. Only small muffled moans escaped my hand as I made an effort to go deeper every time, go faster every thrust, to make it hurt. I knew I wasn’t exactly small down there, and knew that some girls couldn’t take a size like that, especially from behind. I hoped Holly was that type, and that I was giving her just what God would right now if she were being judged for her life’s sins.

I saw red. I saw nothing but red. Even as I got close to releasing myself inside her, I couldn’t help but think about how she didn’t deserve the pleasure. Molly did. I wanted what Molly wanted, whatever the fuck that would be. But now I couldn’t give it to her, thanks to this sadist, this devil. I mashed her against the wall, the “ow” she muttered giving me a worrying amount of glee as I doubled my efforts, hurting even myself to make sure she was being numbed as thoroughly as possible.

I couldn’t help but smile. Not in happiness, in ... something else. Every inch of my lower body lit up like a Christmas Tree in delight and pleasure as I grabbed Holly’s hair with my other hand, yanking as hard as I could as I emitted a struggled grunt and emptied myself inside her, spurt after spurt. Many more than usual.

I collapsed against her, breathing a few more times then letting loose a controlled, quick exhale as I released my grip on Holly’s hair, bringing her head forward. It hit the wall with a soft thud as I pulled myself out of her, walking away so I could readjust my clothes without looking back at her.

But of course I did look back at her. After my dick was tucked away and my pants were done back up, I turned my head back around to see her rubbing her head with one hand and bringing up her skirt with the other. “Jeez.” she mumbled. “Must’ve felt really good, huh?” She grinned at me, but I didn’t grin back. I just stared a hole through her.

I couldn’t win with her. She got off to this shit. She enjoyed this. And the worse things got, the worse I got, the more she enjoyed it, the more she enabled it. The haze was leaving me, even if it was only perhaps one percent of the haze. But it was enough to make me see one thing: as long as I stuck around, even if I thought I was getting the upper hand, Holly was winning. Holly was making things worse for me. I was losing.

“We can’t do this anymore.” I calmly said, my throat dry from having not spoken in a long time.

Holly paused. “What?”

“We’re not doing this anymore. This. Us. Sex.”

“Um...” Holly looked at me weirdly. “ ... why?”

“Because I’m telling you. This is what I want. I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”

Holly readjusted her composure, going from shocked to folding her arms, no doubt wanting to win her precious high ground back. “What, so after helping you win your stupid dream girl suddenly I’m worth nothing to you?”

“You’re worth nothing to me.” I robotically repeated, nodding.

Holly’s eyes narrowed, fire building. “You’re worth nothing to me too.”

“Then there shouldn’t be a problem in us not doing this anymore.” I replied, as calm as ... well, as calm as Chris when he was talking to me.

“You think you can just come in, use me as your little sex toy, then tell me we’re not doing this anymore?”

“Yes.”

“What if I didn’t want this anymore? What if you just fucking assaulted me?” she challenged me.

“I didn’t.” I simply replied. We paused before I added, “Besides, if I did, you would have just enjoyed that, sick fuck that you are.”

“I’m not the one that wanted to hold down and fuck their childhood friend, and was too much of a bitch to even do it myself.”

“I’m not the one that helped him.”

“So what does that make us, Aaron?!”

“I was going to go with ‘sick.’” I replied, calm as ever. “I can’t be around you anymore. You’re making me sicker, and it cost me.” Admitting that I was sick made tears come to my eyes. I blinked rapidly, wishing them away. “This is the last time we can do this.”

“You’re such a little bitch baby.” Holly replied in disbelief, shaking her head. “Why don’t you just grow up.” She walked over to her bed and sat down on it. “Get out of my room. Get out.” Each word that escaped her mouth was weaker than the last.

I don’t know why, but my anger at Holly just dissolved with that last statement. I didn’t feel anger towards her anymore. I felt tired. “Okay.” I replied simply as I stole one last look at her and walked out.

Once the door was shut behind me and I was in the dorm hallway, I just sighed. I stayed there for a few minutes, at least. Sighing. Sighing, keeping my face in my hands, staring out at nothing, feeling very little. Eventually, without really knowing why, I looked up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, Molly.” I said out loud, barely loud enough for even me to hear it. With that, I just started walking.

I didn’t stop walking for a long while. Instead of bussing home, I decided to walk, which was about an hour-long walk. In the frigid cold, it wasn’t fun, but it gave me a lot of time to think. Time to think and be with myself. Was that healthy, now knowing who I was? I didn’t know, but it felt better than being around Holly.

Around halfway through the walk, I stumbled upon a park. I didn’t even know there were parks around this area, let alone one like this. It was one of those charming parks that clearly thrived around wintertime, complete with its own little makeshift skating rink and everything. Cute little lights, festive lights, adorned the trees and lampposts. It was just dark enough outside that their charm began to become apparent. Even feeling how I did, I couldn’t help smiling to myself as I realized I was going to be making a little detour.