Chapter 14

Chris and I had driven Molly back from her AA meetings before, but this one was decidedly the most awkward. Molly didn’t even wave as she saw us approach, she just got in the back and off we drove. I tried to make some kind of small talk while driving back, but Chris only responded with one-word answers, which as anyone who knew Chris would tell you, meant you should just stop talking. Molly didn’t make eye contact with either of us.

Eventually, we got home and Chris shut the car off. I turned around to face Molly. “Let us know if you need anything from either of us.” I told her. “We’re here for you.”

Molly politely smiled and hopped out of the car, shutting the door behind her. I turned to Chris.

“Didn’t mean to speak for you.” I piped up.

“Nah, it’s cool.” Chris shrugged.

“Do you still feel anything about her? Like, do you still care?” I asked him.

“Yeah, probably.” he answered. “I mean, if I didn’t, like, why would I be driving her?” He gestured around him. “It’s whatever. The whole situation - it’s just whatever.”

“She said some pretty hurtful things about you.” I pointed out. “I realize it’s not my place, but don’t you think you should ... let her know she can’t talk to you that way? You’ve only been trying to help, she shouldn’t talk to you that way.”

“Well, clearly, my brand of helping her isn’t what she needs. Or at least what she wants.” he rebutted. “If it’s only hurting her, then yeah, I don’t have to feel guilty knowing my intentions were pure, but at a certain point, intention doesn’t matter when someone wants to see the bad in you. Or when she trusts people so little she can’t see anything but bad intentions.”

“You’re so quick to see how you’re bad for her, dude.” I mumbled. “She’s bad for you.”

“I could say the same for you.” Chris fired back.

“Yeah, but I actually did a lot of the stuff she’s angry at, and yet she still hates you more.” I pointed out. “Last night she said all of that shit to rile you up. Even if it made me feel guilty too, she directed everything at you.”

“Yeah, that crossed my mind. Thanks.” he replied bitterly. “I dunno. Maybe she assumes the worst in those that are good, because to her, there’s no such thing as a person with good intentions. And she assumes the best in you because, no offence, it’s inconceivable that anyone could be that selfish and mean. It’s like everyone is inherently a moderate person to her, and when they’re too mean or too nice, she shifts them back in her mind and overcompensates.”

“Ouch.” I laughed.

“Sorry, just thinking out loud.” Chris replied, tired.

“You might be right though.” I nodded. “I mean in most cases modesty is good, but you’re right - if you’re being truthful you were nothing but there for her.”

“And maybe my nosy involved way of caring is hurtful to her.” Chris mused. “Maybe that’s what hurt her, me being involved and her not getting to run her life. Or me trying to steer her back on course brings shit home. ‘Oh fuck, I did get back together with my-’ sorry, ‘rapist. Oh fuck, I did drink my problems away. Oh fuck, I did have a meltdown.’ Maybe my blunt style of ‘let’s acknowledge it and fix it’ was actually hurtful. Maybe I need to grow from this too.”

“Maybe it’s just ... too much. Too intense.” I suggested.

Chris stretched in his seat. “It’s not like it’s going to be a problem from here on in. I am fiiiine with letting shit burn now. It’s kinda clear she and I aren’t going to keep in contact after one of us moves out.”

“What about us?” I asked.

Chris turned to me and smiled faintly. “I’m not sure.” he replied quietly. “Maybe. I want to, and I think you have grown.” He shook his head, smiling. “It’s like - aaah. It’s like, I want to dislike you for the things you did and I feel inherently guilty treating you like an equal but I also know there has to come a point where I accept you’re a different person and forgive you. But, like, that moment is never black and white, you know?”

“Totally.” I nodded. “I think I feel the same way about myself. Will there ever come a time Molly and I hang out and I don’t feel guilty? Should I just burn my bridges now and move to Australia or something? Start fresh?”

Chris snickered and opened the door. “Nice. Anyway, I’m gonna take a nap.”

“How’d Jerome take last night’s talk?” I asked him as he stepped out.

“You’re gonna have to ask Jerome.” Chris simply answered. “But he’s not around today.”

My expression fell. He wasn’t around, and he lived here. Molly was clearly not the only person Chris was having to deal with right now. “I’m sorry.” I almost whispered.

Chris chuckled, albeit sadly. “You don’t even know what’s going on with us.” he replied.

“I know. But I don’t have to. Whatever’s going on ... I’m really sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” I earnestly replied.

Chris stared at me, his smile eventually disappearing. His eyes eventually began to get misty and he sighed to clear them. “Can I have a hug?” he asked.

Without hesitation, I got out of the car and gave him a big hug. A lasting one. Chris buried his head in my shoulder, not crying, but also not saying anything, his frizzy Jewish fro getting all up in my face. He chuckled sadly as I tried to wave his hair away. A couple times he tried to break away from the hug, but I just held him, and eventually, his hold got tighter on me too.

“You’re loved, Chris.” I told him, not realizing I was the one to say these things. “Things will get better. Your friends are here for you in the meantime.” With that, I let him go and he flashed me a genuine, if sad, smile, and without another word, darted into the house, locking the car as he did.

I waited until he got inside and whipped out my phone. I dialed in a familiar number and prayed she’d be available, putting the phone to my ear.

“Aaron.” the cold, calculated tone of Daisy greeted me.

“Hey Daisy. I was wondering if you could do something for me.”

“I didn’t think you were calling me to see how I was doing.” she rebutted.

I sighed. “Are you doing well?”

“That wasn’t me asking you to ask. What do you need?”

Yup, this was Daisy alright. Apart from her voice sounding slightly different, slightly older, she hadn’t changed at all. “Are we cool? You willing to be on my side for a bit? I’m worried about something Molly’s doing.”

A pause echoed from the other end of the line. “I honestly have no answer to that.” she told me finally. “I can’t say.”

“Okay.” I ran my hand through my hair, thinking of what I could do, when a long shot of an idea hit me. “Can you go into Molly’s room?” After I said this, I walked into the house. Molly was in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. I waved at her but she wasn’t looking at me.

“Um, that’s an invasion of privacy.” Daisy replied as I waved to Molly. “I don’t even know the reason why you’d ask me to do this.”

I hurried downstairs into my room and shut the door before responding. “Look, Molly has ... fallen into some bad habits, but I know my word for it alone isn’t enough. I want you to see for yourself, and I think you will if you go into her room.”

“You at least have to tell me what it is first, then I can decide if I believe you, want more evidence, or refuse to believe you. Especially if this concerns my sister’s well-being, you don’t get to make a detective game out of it.”

I nodded as she spoke. That was totally fair, and that courtesy slipped my mind. “Your sister’s an alcoholic.” I told her, a little less quietly just in case Molly came downstairs or something.

Another pause. “Was it ... was it you?”

“I thought the same thing.” I replied. “I asked her. She said she’d been drinking long before the bad stuff happened.”

“I’ve only got your word for that.” Daisy told me.

“I know, that’s why I’m asking you to go to her room.” I replied hastily. “If it has been going on for longer, then some evidence would be in her room. She’s only been home a couple times since the bad stuff happened-”

“You raping her.” Daisy corrected me.

“Yup. That. Thanks. Since ... that, so if there’s evidence of ample drinking you’d know it’s been happening since beforehand. Especially since you do the family recycling and would have seen it if she got rid of the evidence the usual way.”

“She could have been tidy and snuck bottles back to your place in her backpack or something.” Daisy rebutted.

“She doesn’t take a backpack. And you know your sister possibly better than I do. She’s not that tidy.” I reasoned.

I heard Daisy sigh. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” she muttered. “Very well. I’m going into my sister’s room. I’m going to snoop through her things. This is the level of civility you’re dragging me down to, Aaron. You’d better be a better person by now for this.”

“That’s not up to me to decide.” I rebutted.

“Yeah.” Daisy muttered. I heard some rustling from the other end. “I don’t see anything. It doesn’t mean I fully don’t believe you, but, you do understand my position here.”

“I do, yeah. I mean, I’m just trying to get someone on the homefront on my side here. It’s not really my problem if you don’t believe she has an issue, it’s hers. And no offense, but I’m not sure you’re the type to have a heart-to-heart about her alcoholism, especially since she’ll know it came from me.”

“Then why didn’t you phone my parents instead?” Daisy asked, her voice slightly distracted from her continuous search of Molly’s room.

“Because that would make her more uncomfortable.” I answered honestly. “I know it’s the right thing to do but Molly’s keeping this close to her chest. Telling you is a risk as it is. Molly wants to close her eyes and pretend it doesn’t exi-”

“Paydirt.” Daisy muttered. “Sorry for interrupting you.”

“Found something?”

“Under her bed. Crown Royal, Grey Goose, you name it. All empty.” she sighed. “Well, if it isn’t obvious, I believe you.” Neither of us said anything for a while. “Okay, so what does this change going forward?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted an ally in helping her when I’m not around.”

“Well, you’ve got one.” she confidently told me.

“Just keep an eye out on her. Try and see if you can hide any alcohol or do what you can to prevent her from drinking. I dunno.” I told her, both grateful and saddened further that Daisy found further evidence at home.

“Yeah, I understand. I will do what I can.” Daisy replied. A pause filled the space between the phones. “It sounds like you do care about her. I really don’t know how to feel about you.”

“Yeah, no one involved with the situation between Molly and I do.” I replied with a chuckle. “Including Molly and I.”

“Is she doing any better? Since you found out about this.”

“Chris and I convinced her to go to AA. We’re getting support from her, it just takes time.”

“Okay.” Daisy replied. “I suppose that’s all I can ask. I suppose this means I need to be okay with her being around you, conveniently for you.”

I could only laugh politely in response. “I guess so.”

“I need to process this and formulate a plan. Was there anything else you needed to tell me?”

“Nah, I’m good for it.” I replied. “You take care of yourself, Daisy.”

“You as well, Aaron. And do what you can to take care of her.” I heard Daisy cough in discomfort at something she was trying to say. “She’s my sister.” she finally admitted in a low voice.

“Yeah.” I replied in an equally grave voice.

“This is hitting me emotionally harder than I thought.” Daisy blurted out in a voice that I’d never heard from her before. “I have to go.” Without me even being able to reply, I heard her hang up the phone.

I huffed, staring at the wall. I was thinking everything and nothing, all at once. I stared at the wall for a good few minutes before I heard the creaking of footsteps down the stairs. I snapped out of my trance and opened the door to my room.

“Oh, hey.” I said to Molly, feigning surprise at seeing her, pretending I was on my way upstairs.

“Hey.” she told me softly, nothing expressed on her face.

“Was the sandwich nice?” I half-heartedly joked, moving past her.

“Yup.” she quietly replied. I was nearly all the way up the stairs when she cleared her throat. “Hey.”

“Hey hey.” I turned around to face her.

“You busy?”

“Not terribly. What can I do for you?”

“Do you just want to ... keep me company?” she asked shyly.

“Uh, yeah, totally.” I replied coolly, coming back downstairs. “Kitchen, your room, my room... ?”

“My room’s fine. Thanks.” she replied, going into her room. I followed, and took my usual place on the bed. She took her desk chair.

“I was meaning to ask, have you booked to see a counsellor?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I have.” she replied with a small smile. “Thanks for asking.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I ... really fucked up with Chris, didn’t I?” she asked with a hurt smile. “I really hurt him.”

“That’s a question you’re going to need to ask Chris. If you can bear to talk to him.” I replied honestly.

“I want to be able to. I get that he doesn’t mean to be a bad guy. It’s just ... he made mistakes and hurt me. And I made worse mistakes, I get that. I’m not ... I guess I’m not the good guy here.” She shrugged defeatedly.

“In his situation, as much as I want to support you, I’d agree with that. You were unreasonable.”

“I think that is being supportive in this context, Aaron.” Molly mumbled. “Support doesn’t always mean taking my side. I need to know when I need to change. All of us do.”

“Yeah, all of us have made mistakes here.” I muttered back.

She smiled at me. “And yet we’ve all stuck around for each other. That’s got to mean something.”

“It meant last night happened.” I told her with a serious laugh. “I don’t think we can say it’s entirely for the greater good all this has happened.”

“We all live together. We just have to suck it up and make the best of it.” she shrugged. “Maybe it’s good we started having sex instead of only being weird around each other. Just avoiding each other sounds ... exhausting. Especially since that’s now Chris and me.”

“Yeah, but, like, we’re having hate sex. That’s been kind of weird.” I told her honestly.

“It’s better than avoiding each other and being all awkward.” she rebutted.

I made a face. “Is it?” I asked rhetorically. “I don’t think it is.”

Molly met my gaze, then shrugged as she eyed the floor. “Well, we’re not stopping anytime soon, we kind of made that clear.” she muttered. “Maybe we should ... change it up a bit.”

“How so?”

“Well, if we know the dam is going to break, we may as well beat it to the punch before we get too horny and say stuff we regret again. And maybe we should ... y’know, try something more happy and meaningful. Like ... tender. Like...”

“Romantic?” I asked incredulously. “Molly, no offense, terrible idea. Terrible for so many reasons. I could have been born in Chernobyl and not have enough fingers to list why that would be a bad idea.”

Molly threw up her hands, me-style. “Well, nothing else we’re doing is working! And we know that the hate sex is toxic and bad. Maybe ... maybe the alternate would be better.”

“It would send mixed signals and both of us would move back to where we started.”

“As if what we’ve been doing for the past little bit isn’t as regressive.” Molly argued, coming to sit on the bed beside me. “Clearly we can tell, the hate sex plus me drinking leads to blowups. And I want to never have a blowup like that again.”

“Then stop drinking.” I told her with a nervous chuckle.

Molly smiled slightly. “It’s just not realistic, Aaron. We have to start small. And I think this will help.” She gestured to the door. “Look, if you disagree with anything I’m saying, I’m not going to trap you here. There’s the door.”

“But for now... ?” I asked.

“Kiss me.”

Molly was smiling at me, a genuine, meaningful kind of smile. I couldn’t help but smile back, even though I had no clue whether I was going to leave or kiss her. I closed my eyes, allowing my brain to focus for a second. Either option would lead to consequences ... Molly and I both knew that, as she said, we were just going to have pent-up hate sex if we let this drag on, as much as neither one of us wanted that. But to just keep going with it and pretend there was romance there when ther wasn’t, just to stave off a meltdown ... neither option seemed right.