Chapter 12

“Are you having a good time?” I almost nervously asked as Molly and I walked throughout the town.

“Yeah. This is nice.” she replied politely with a small smile. “When you live so close to a place you kind of forget to check it out and play tourist from time to time.”

“Yeah! This place is really cool. There’s a neat little ice cream place here too. I saw one last time I was here with D- with Diane.” I couldn’t let it slip that I was hanging out with Daisy behind Molly’s back – even if Molly eventually bought the supergenius story, me hanging out with her sister who was twelve at the time without telling Molly beforehand would have been really strange.

“Who’s Diane?” Molly asked.

“Study buddy.” I lied coolly.

Molly paused in thought for a few seconds while we walked. “But didn’t you tell me that you didn’t actually study with – ahhhh.” Molly nodded slowly in understanding. “She was one of your one-night stands. You just got ice cream with her.”

I coughed nervously. “Well, I mean...”

Molly tried to read my mind and laughed. “It’s cool. I don’t mind being the second girl you bring here.”

I laughed too, but out of confrontation. “Molly, I brought you here because I wanted to have a good time with you.”

“And why’d you bring Diane?” she asked, trying to keep her tone humorous.

Too far down the rabbit hole to be truthful. “She and I needed to talk about serious stuff. What we were. It was ... awkward. I was just trying to mitigate things, or make them better or whatever.”

Molly stopped and gave a small smile. “Bench,” she commented as she pointed to a nearby bench. We both sat down on it and she put her hands in her lap, facing me. “Do you want to talk about what we are?”

“Wha- no! I didn’t mean it like that.” I protested.

“I know.” Molly soothed. “But it might be a good idea. Besides, I can guess that you asked me to come here because you wanted things to get better between us. Maybe communication will do that.”

I chewed my lower lip. “Yeah, I did ask you to come out here so we could get better. I, uh, saw a counsellor recently.”

“Hey, good for you.” Molly said warmly, rubbing my shoulder supportively.

“She told me we should cut each other off, at least for a while.”

Molly stopped rubbing my shoulder abruptly, then retracted her hand. “And what do you think?” she asked me, kind of coldly.

“I don’t really think anything. I just know I don’t want that. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t feel right. I’m not ready to just cut you out of my life like that. I don’t care what happens romantically or sexually between us. I really don’t. I just know I don’t want to lose you.”

Molly processed what I said for a moment. “I don’t know if I like the idea that you need me.”

“I don’t think I need you, no.” I replied instinctively. Not even because I thought that was true, but because she said she didn’t like it. “She said we should just take a break from each other and become our own people, but...” I sighed. “I’m just kinda scared the Molly you grow into doesn’t want to be friends with any kind of Aaron, no matter the Aaron I become.”

“You’re also scared I’ll fall in love with anyone who isn’t you.” Molly boldly pointed out.

“I really don’t want to get into that.” I replied nervously. “I mean, yes, okay, granted, but can we leave that part alone?”

“Yeah, sorry.” she accepted. “I think that cutting each other off is a bit dramatic.”

“I agree. So I went with her next suggestion – I’m trying to find things we can do together that isn’t unhealthy.”

“Like sex?” Molly sat up straight, looking at me.

I nodded. “And she’s totally right. If after sex it feels like I’ve taken advantage of your vulnerability and I haven’t changed, then...” I shut my eyes and straightened my back. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

“Wow, huh?” I heard Molly’s voice say after a bit. I opened one eye to see her smiling. “I’m impressed.”

“Don’t be.” I breathed, regaining my normal composure. “Knowing us, knowing me, we’re still going to have sex in a couple of days anyway.”

“Nah, I like this actually.” Molly replied. “Let’s move away from it.”

“Even though we both want it.” I replied skeptically.

“I don’t, not really.” she rebutted.

“Molly, come on. This is a two-way street here. You gotta admit some responsibility in this. You usually initiate it these days anyway.”

“No I don’t.” she protested.

I angrily grunted out loud, then raked my hands over my face. “Okay, whatever.” I replied, knowing that arguing with her would just make us end up with me dropping it one way or another, then my eyes fell upon the ice cream store. “Want some ice cream? I’ll buy.”

“I’ll feel guilty if you buy me food.” Molly shifted in her seat.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, this isn’t me buying you food then. This is just me wanting to do something nice for a friend.”

“Still weird to me.” Molly replied, her shoulders hunching in.

“Ooookay ... so are you going to buy your own?” I pressed her.

“Didn’t bring my wallet.”

“Well then.” I threw up my hands in a gesture. “Tell me what your favorite flavor is or I’m going to have to guess.”

“I don’t want this.” Molly told me.

“Do you want ice cream?” I asked her simply.

She slowly shifted to face me, a pout on her face. “Nyeh.” she murmured.

“So yes. Fine. Want to owe me?”

“I don’t like owing people money.” she rebutted quietly.

“Cool, then it’s my treat. Hate me if you must, for I am a monster. Chocolate?”

“Chocolate.” she conceded. “Thank you.”

I practically sauntered up to the storefront – it was the same happy Russian man from way back when. I never really thought about him much, but in that moment, I envied his happiness. I bought two one-scoop chocolate cones and brought the fruits of my labor back to the bench.

“Thanks.” Molly quietly told me, giving the cone a lick. “You know, my parents would sometimes take Daisy and I out for ice cream after church. This actually kinda brings back nice memories.”

“Yeah?” I smiled at her. “I’m glad.”

“So.” she began. “What are we?”

I groaned, taking another lick of my ice cream. “Are we really doing this now?”

“I guess we are. Might as well, right?”

“But we’re out of the house. I don’t wanna taint the memory of us getting ice cream with...”

Molly laughed out loud, interrupting me. “With us communicating, with us acknowledging how fucked-up we are?”

I laughed in turn. “Sure.”

“I mean, it’s in the back of our minds. Every time we hang out, it’s already tainted in some way. As long as we’re mature about it, I don’t think addressing it is going to do much.”

“But if we talk about it every time, then we’re going to associate hanging out with talking about this, and all those bad memories. Hanging out will be synonymous with ‘let’s talk out our feelings,’ not ‘let’s have a good time.’ It would be nice to just ... hang out. Not worry. Feel at ease, feel comfortable with each other.”

Molly took a bite out of her ice cream uncharacteristically. “That’s a good point.” she finally said. “But you know what?”

“What?”

“We’re kind of through the looking glass.” she pointed out. “Plus I kind of want to talk about it now.”

“Okay, fine.” I conceded. “But just so we can hang out later without having to do this. I can’t deal with us talking about how weird this is for two hours every time we see each other.”

“Agreed.”

“Okay, so, we’re not in any kind of romantic thing.” I offered to start us off.

“No we’re not.” Molly nodded.

“And there’s something sexual there but even though it kind of worked in the first place, it makes things weird for me with my romantic feelings, and you’re not sure if you want it so it still kinda feels like I’m taking advantage of you, only now you want it.”

“I never said I wanted it.” Molly disputed.

“Molly, I swear to God, I’m going to start tape-recording our conversations.” I groaned. “You did. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m using your exact wording here. Even if you don’t believe you wanted it, that’s what you said, out loud, to me. Can you believe that?”

“That doesn’t sound like me though.” she protested.

“You know what, I agree.” I laughed exhaustedly. “It doesn’t. It really surprised me at the time. But please, Molly, I really need you to trust me. If we want to go anywhere, I need you to trust that what I’m saying is real. I’m not trying to manipulate you, I’m not trying to deceive you, I’m having this conversation with you to figure out how to treat you right. So when I’m citing what you said when I’m asking to go forward, I need you to trust that’s what you said to me, and that’s why I’m saying it right back. To make sense of it. Denying it makes things so much harder for both of us, if you want us to get anywhere. Please, just ... please believe me. You can even say, ‘if I said that before that’s not what I believe now.’ I’ll accept that. But please stop denying it. It’s really invalidating, especially since if you deny things later, it’s going to make me trust anything you say a lot less. Okay?”

Molly licked her ice cream, staring at me. A dozen emotions, all across the spectrum, ran across her face. “Okay.” she admitted.

“Cool. Thanks.” I breathed. So, anyway, I think we were talking about...”

“Sexual stuff.”

“Right, thanks. So, it makes me feel weird with my feelings, and you told me once that it feels like I’m taking advantage of the fact you wanted it, even if you don’t necessarily want it now. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” she replied quietly. “Except ... like, never mind. I just ... do want it now.”

“What?”

“Just never mind that stuff I said earlier. I do want it, and I sometimes initiate it. I was being ... I was being weird.”

I stared at her blankly for a while. “Okay.” I said after a while, almost dismissively. “So we both want sex from each other, for very different reasons, and it’s creating tensions. So, we should stop.”

“That sounds logical.” Molly nodded.

“But, like, are we still friends? I still consider you a friend, but I don’t want to presume.” I replied.

Molly grimaced a little. “You don’t think I consider you a friend? Aaron, that’s hurtful.”

“I’m only trying not to presume anything here.” I defended myself, waving my hands in front of my face. “And not to put a spotlight on you, but this is exactly why I’m asking you not to deny stuff. Because the reason I don’t know if you consider me a friend or not is because you keep telling me contrasting things and keep denying when I bring up how you told me something. I can’t trust how I feel around you. Hell, I can’t even trust what you tell me. I don’t know if you’re going to deny it a few days later because you aren’t so sure you believe what you said anymore.”

“Okay, okay, okay.” she butted in. “I’m sorry, alright?”

“Thank you.” I replied genuinely. “Why do you do it?”

“Look, you get an apology. I’m not obligated to tell you why I do stuff. Especially the stuff I’m clearly more embarrassed about.” she replied flusteredly. “Just ... go on with your analysis of us. Not just me, us.”

“Okay, as you wish.” I admitted. “So, yes to us being friends?”

Molly scoffed. “Yes. Obviously.”

“Okay, cool. Do either of us want to take a break from talking to each other and stop being friends, even temporarily?”

Neither of us said anything for a bit. “Even if we wanted to, with us living in the same house that would be really hard to do.” she replied eventually. “I think if we were living apart, I’d consider it, but in our current situation, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Okay, cool. I agree.” I replied. “So, no sex, yes to staying in contact. Is there anything else we should do to change how we act around each other? I’m exhausted with these ‘where do we go from here’ chats.”

“Yeah, same.” Molly mumbled. “Um, I can’t think of anything.”

“I don’t suppose I can ask you to cut down on the drinking.” I gingerly inserted.

“You can certainly ask.” Molly replied coolly. “I don’t know if I – you know what, I don’t know. I just don’t know. This is weird.”

“Yeah,” I murmured aloud. “I guess if you’re being asked to cut down on the destructive habit of having sex with me, asking you to cut down on another is selfish of me and removes a lot of your coping mechanisms, huh?”

“Wow.” Molly’s eyebrows shot up. “That was bold.”

“Was it? Sorry.” I grimaced. “Just thinking out loud. I’m kinda blunt.”

“Yeah, I get that. Plus maybe you’re lashing out and highlighting my problems because we’re not having sex anymore, and given you get no intimacy or love from your parents, being told you’re getting no intimacy from me either must suck.” Molly replied, her tone reflecting adrenaline was surging through her to attempt to get under my skin. It worked, with me giving her a hurt look. “Sorry. Just thinking out loud. I’m kind of blunt.” she added coolly.

“Um, okay.” I mumbled. “Kinda childish, but okay.”

Molly shrugged. “Don’t bring up my problems against me. It hurts. I thought you’d be proud of me for actually fighting back.”

Through the hurt, I chuckled. “Hey, fuck it. I am proud.” I conceded. “I won’t bring it up.” Beneath the chuckle, I was still wincing. It wasn’t that I didn’t know my parents didn’t love me, but Molly never did anything but support me through this. Her using my parents’ situation against me not only hurt, it felt like a betrayal. Between that and her not wanting to admit to her faults, it was becoming really hard to trust her. But I guess we established one thing from this talk...

“So, no more sex.” I confirmed.

“No more sex.” she confirmed right back, nodding and eating her ice cream.

The next few weeks went by ... weirdly, to say the least. For the first few days Molly and I didn’t really feel a difference, and I tried to fill the sexless void by hanging out with Chris and Jerome more. They discovered games like Cards Against Humanity and Coup and needed a third, so I guess it worked out for the three of us. It was kind of nice – I expected Chris to be the ‘out there making jokes’ type but get Jerome in his element and not only was he hilarious, he talked a lot more. It was nice, especially knowing things were on the mend for Chris and myself.

I wish I could have said the same for Chris and Molly. Several times when I was in my room doing school work or jacking off or whatever, I’d hear Chris come downstairs and knock on Molly’s door. He wouldn’t have to knock before – in the past he’d just saunter in and the two would have their fun.

But now things were different. It would always play out the same way.

Knock knock.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Chris!”

“Not now, sorry.”

“Okay.”

Eventually I felt sorry enough for the poor bastard that at one point, I exited my room after the telltale “Okay.” I opened my door to see a visibly annoyed Chris. I motioned for us to go upstairs, and silently upstairs we went.

“You okay?” I finally asked.

“Yeah.” he sighed. “No. Maybe. Just ... things are rough and it sucks watching a friendship disappear in front of your eyes on top of that. And Molly’s such a special girl.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled. “Can I ask a blunt question?”

“Yeah, go ahead, sweetie.” Chris replied, sitting down at the kitchen table.

“Do you blame me for her attitude shift?”

I expected Chris to be taken aback by the question, but he wasn’t. He just shrugged. “Not you. Your past actions, maybe. I hope you’ve changed.”

“I hope so too.”

“By most accounts I really shouldn’t have forgiven you. I guess it’s in my nature.” he added.

“Yeah, Molly shouldn’t have forgiven me either. You two are too forgiving. You are too optimistic about people.” I pointed out.

“That crossed my mind, thanks.” he replied. “That makes things more concerning when I see her distancing herself from me. Am I too much like her? Too much like how she was, does that mean she hates her old self? Did I do something awful to her, something that – no offense – was worse than what you did, and I just can’t see it?”

“You’re an overthinker.” I observed.

“Wow, give Aaron a prize.” he replied sarcastically. “I overthink everything.” He was silent for a bit. “Can you do me a weird favor?”

“What?”

“A weird, paranoid favor?”

“I can’t do it if you never tell me what the favor is, Chris.” I replied.

“Could you ... just knock on Molly’s door and ask to hang out? I want to see if it’s personal.”

I gave Chris a belittling smile. “That is paranoid.” I told him.

“I know, I know.”

“But sure. I’ll do it. If it makes you feel better.” I replied. “She’s just gonna tell me the same thing though.”

Chris shrugged. “Maybe. Thanks for doing this, sweetie.”

“Whatever helps.” I tossed over my shoulder as I went downstairs. There wasn’t a door separating this hallways from the kitchen, so Chris could definitely hear me. I wasn’t sure if he could hear Molly, but given he was actively listening for her answer, he probably could. Nonchalantly, I knocked on her door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s, uh, Aaron.” I replied.

“Give me a sec.” she replied. I glanced up the stairs and frowned. Ouch. Sorry, Chris. Eventually, the door opened and Molly came into view. She was dressed pretty casually, in a t-shirt and sweatpants. “What’s up?”

I shrugged. “You bored?” I asked.

Molly smiled slightly and shook her head at me. “Come in.”

I walked in and sat down on the bed, and Molly returned to her computer. “Whatcha got going on there?” I stood up and walked over behind her.

“Enh, the usual stuff.” Molly replied coolly.

“And by ‘the usual stuff’ you mean online porn stories.” I observed.

Molly whirled around to grin at me. “I’m allowed to have fun, aren’t I?”

Calm in the face of something embarassing. Confident about sex. She was tipsy. I shrugged. “Sure. So that’s what you were up to before I came in?”

“Mmmmaybe.” she purred.

“Do you want your alone time then?” I half-joked.

“Nah, I’m good for it. Probably should spend some time today around other humans anyway.” Once again, I spared a thought for Chris.

“Fair enough.” I idly said. “What’s the story about?”

“It’s just about this woman that has a lot of sex on a bus.”

“Wow, the apex of human literature.” I joked.

“Yeah, it’s your standard shallow stuff, but people don’t read sex stories for the plot.” Molly replied.

I chuckled. “Good point.” I sat back down on the bed. “Is it ever like wish fulfillment stuff? Like do you actually want to get gangbanged on a bus?”