Chapter 10

Molly and I didn’t say much more to each other that night. The next day, I think both of us wanted to talk to each other, yet we both somehow knew we shouldn’t have. Both of us felt this invisible barrier between us, begging us to not talk to each other. And so, the full day went by without either of us ever even being in the same room, let alone striking up a conversation. The day after, the barrier was gone and it became clear that one of us had to start a conversation with the other person, and of course that one was going to be me.

It was late, after classes, at a point when both of us were home. I waited about an hour or so – I don’t know what for, it just felt like waiting was somehow tasteful. When I decided it was the right time, I marched up to her room and knocked tenderly on the door.

I heard some shuffling and then heard Molly clear her throat. “Come in.” she called out articulately.

I opened the door and walked in. At her desk sat Molly, head slightly lowered, looking off towards the floor.

“Hey.” I started awkwardly. “I think we should probably talk about what happened two nights ago.”

Molly sighed and closed her eyes. “Yeah.” she replied. “Can we do it later?”

“I think we should do it now.” I replied, still unsure of how much I needed to let Molly have her way these days. To my relief, she sighed and nodded, gesturing towards the bed. I took the hint and sat down.

“So ... we need to talk about what happened.” I started uneasily.

“What do we even need to say?” Molly replied, a little sarcastic and a little confused.

I furrowed my brow at her weird lack of taking this seriously. “Molly, with our history, what happened shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s been a year.” she defended herself, noticeably getting less articulate.

“You’re not the type to turn on a dime like that. Just because you had a bad breakup, that shouldn’t mean ... like, no offense, but all this happened way too quickly.” Molly didn’t respond, and just let her head hang. Something clicked with me. “Are you drunk?

“No!” Molly replied violently.

I stared into her eyes. They weren’t open all the way, and she had difficulty keeping her head still. I leaned in closer and sniffed. “Molly.” I said disapprovingly.

“Fuck off.” she replied defensively. “I get to run my life however I want.”

I opened my mouth to say something, something in rebuttal, then realized that it would get me nowhere. Hell, it would have gotten me nowhere with Sober Molly, let alone Drunk Molly. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Molly didn’t say anything, but just leaned back in her chair.

I had to process what was happening. Okay. So Molly wasn’t just drinking at parties, she was also just getting drunk at home. Clearly not for the first time, that would be too convenient. Which meant... “Were you drunk two days ago when we had sex too?” I would have thought I’d noticed, but me being me, there was the possibility I’d missed it.

“Nah, just tipsy.” Molly replied. “I try not to get drunk in front of other people.”

“I see.” I nodded. “Is that why... ?”

I hoped that by trailing off Molly would have finished my sentence for me, but she just stared at me. I sighed. “Was that why we had sex? Because you were tipsy?”

Molly gave me a smile that revealed she was more drunk than she was letting on. “Someday I’ll talk about it.” she told me. “But not now. I just needed that ... I needed intimacy. Life wasn’t ... life isn’t going so well, and you were there, and I knew you wanted me. You were ... is it offensive to say you were ‘easy to access’?”

I laughed at how bold this Molly was. “Probably, but I can take it. You’ve earned the right anyway.” I paused. “So this was spur of the moment?”

Molly grinned with her drunk style again. “Aaron, you’re making me give away all of my tricks.” she replied playfully. “No, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Carson and I were clearly gonna end sooner or later, and I needed ... something. I just couldn’t bring it up with you in case you took advantage of me before I was sure.”

Instead of you taking advantage of me and my feelings, which is what happened, I thought to myself bitterly, but the thought vanished in a flash. “Well, was it what you wanted?”

“Yesssss.” Molly nodded, the smile still there on her face.

Idiotically, I pressed on. “And do you want to continue?”

Molly shrugged, her head ragdolling to face the floor. “I mean, yeah, if you do. Not right now though.”

“I would not want to right now anyways.” I honestly told her. “This is a lot to take in.”

Molly didn’t respond coherently, she just chuckled to herself. “I think it’s hitting me harder now.” she eventually mumbled. “I think I should be alone. Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I replied, the situation honestly scaring me a little. I got up from the bed and walked over to the door. “Goodnight.” I replied, waiting a little too long for a reply before shutting the door behind me.

As soon as the door was shut, I violently threw my head against the wall and kept it there. Normally I’d overthink about shit like this, but I just thought ... nothing. The only mind that came to my mind was “fuck.” Every so often, I’d picture Molly, alone in her room, with something I knew was bad for her, but to think about intervening was going against what she asked, and thinking about how bad this could be for her would have been hypocritical anyways. For now, I just had to take life as it came, and be there for her, on her terms. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair to me either, but after everything that happened, it’s what had to happen.

I was nervous to have dinner with the Sharptons again. After reconnecting with Molly, I knew it was going to happen at one time or another, but they’d ask about why I’d been away for a year. I knew the truth wouldn’t come out, but another thing that worried me was Molly’s eagerness to lie and make things seem more okay than they were. A lie that causes a smile is better than a truth that causes a tear, I suppose.

“He’s just been too busy with schoolwork and stuff.” she had said with a simple shrug, then an equally simple smile at me.

That was the first time Daisy looked up at me. She knew the whole thing was a lie, but I guess she wasn’t expecting it to come from Molly’s mouth.

“I had to practically beg him to come over as it was.” she continued with a small laugh. At this, Daisy lowered an eyebrow at me.

At this point, I decided to risk everything. Praying that Molly’s parents couldn’t see us or at the very least couldn’t read lips, I mouthed something to Daisy. She knows.

Daisy seemed to understand, raising both eyebrows and being slightly taken aback at my admission. She mouthed back in turn, Basement, after supper. I simply nodded, and the meal went on like it was nothing.

“Too busy for us?” Mr. Sharpton playfully asked. “Too busy to even give us a visit?”

“Hey, if I could have changed things, I would’ve.” I replied with a small fake laugh, trying my best to ignore any looks from either Daisy or Molly given the dramatic irony of such a comment.

It was actually pretty nice to reconnect with her parents. Because things were ... weird, to say the least, with Molly and I now, I didn’t feel the burning guilt I expected to feel around them. After all, Aaron did those things to her, but was I that Aaron? Should I have carried this shame all my life for what I did even if I knew I would never do it again? I was going to feel guilty for what I had done, absolutely, but should I have felt like I could never look her in the eyes? If I could at some point, then when? When she said it was okay to? If she never did, could I ever?

Overthinking. My strong suit. I was trying to practice mindfulness, and realized that no matter what I felt, this situation wasn’t hard for me. I was the one that did the bad thing. This situation was hard for Molly. She had a bad thing happen to her. Even though we had sex a couple more times before I saw her parents, it was clear that occasionally she’d remember the feeling of violation and freeze or ask me to stop or something. I complied, but I knew that I still caused it. I’d have to deal with that for as long as it would happen, and accommodate her well. It was the least I could do. It made things weird for me, but weird was better than...

Than, ‘traumatized.’

I shook my head, trying not to make it too obvious, then continued on with the meal. Afterwards, I was all too happy to help with the dishes when I saw Daisy gunning it for the basement out of the corner of my eye.

“Some things never change.” I lightly joked to Molly, who gave a half-smile.

“Yeah.” she softly replied, looking down towards the basement. “I wish she’d act a little more mature though. She’s thirteen, aren’t kids supposed to grow out of habits like that?” She took a dish I handed to her and put it away.

I shrugged. “Maybe it’s me.”

“How so?” Molly asked me.

“She hasn’t seen me in a year or so, maybe she got shy around me an-” I cut myself off as I realized the implications of what I was saying.

Molly was the first to speak after a long pause. “Yeah, she did seem really angry at you last time. I forgot all about that.”

“Yup.” I replied. “And she told you to stay away from me. Maybe she’s smarter than we thought.”

Molly gave me a sarcastic smile. At this point, we had moved on to the slightly awkward stage of joking about that part of our past from time to time, as long as the mood was light enough. “She told me to stay away from who you used to be.” Molly replied softly.

“It isn’t a necessary part of healing to forgive your abusers, you know.” I replied meaningfully. “I wouldn’t blame you if you never talked to me again.”

“Oh, shut up.” Molly replied half-playfully. “I’m going to forgive anyone for anything anyways. If you want to feel like a bad guy, go ahead, but I’m just glad that ... I’m just...” She sighed and placed the dish she was working on down so she could look at me. “This stuff is behind us. Okay? I’m willing to take another chance on you being a good person. It’s probably dumb, but I’m a big stupid anyways.”

“You’re not a big stupid.” I replied, picking up the dish she was working on.

“Yes I am.” she told me, taking the dish back. “You want to talk to Daisy? Maybe forgiveness runs in the family.”

“Daisy doesn’t even know what I did to you.” I pointed out.

“Then don’t tell her. And quit bringing it up so much around me while you’re at it, you’re only making things worse for yourself. You’re not exactly telling me anything new when you remind me, it just brings up bad memories. Let’s just ... be.” She smiled.

I smiled back, then gazed over to the basement. “Fine. Don’t expect me to be there for long though.”

“You never are, it’s fine.” Molly replied, putting a dish away. I said nothing more to her as I descended down the steps, preparing myself for a possibly more heated but definitely more awkward encounter with daisy than usual. As soon as I got downstairs, I was greeted with Daisy, leaning against the wall, arms folded, looking at me seriously.

“So.” she began.

“So.” I echoed, freezing in place.

“You told her.”

“Yeah, everything.” I replied. I remembered what Molly told me at the party and realized I had to continue. “A housemate caught me in the act. He made me tell her.”

“And she just forgave you?” She snapped her fingers in derision. “Just like that?”

“Yeah, and that’s why I’ve been coming over every two weeks for the past year.” I replied, finding the strength again to finish walking down the stairs. “No, she didn’t fucking forgive me. Things were bad between us. I had to learn a lot of hard lessons.”

“And how can I be sure you’ve learned them?” Daisy asked me, getting up from the wall.

“You can’t.” I chuckled, looking into her eyes. “I don’t even get how or why Molly forgave me some days, but she did.”

Daisy nodded, never breaking eye contact. Never even blinking. In every way other than appearance, she was anything but the seemingly dainty, almost fragile thirteen-year-old she was. “And if I went upstairs, spoke to Molly ... let’s say I tell her you told me everything. She’d corroborate your story?”

“Every detail.” I confirmed.

“That must have been tough.”

“What was?”

“The year after. Just because she caught you raping her doesn’t mean you fell out of love with her.”

“Oh.” I replied, sitting down on the sofa. “Yeah, it was tough.”

Daisy raised one eyebrow. “So, you’re not challenging me anymore? You’re not claiming she totally wanted it?”

I looked down at the floor. “No, I’m not.” I weakly admitted.

“That’s a good first step.” she observed.

I looked back up at her. “It’s not a first step. At least, when it was, you weren’t there.” I replied. “You’re not running things at this point. You stepped down from your position.”

“I had excellent cause to do so.” Daisy countered.

“Yeah, sure, you did. I ain’t arguing that.” I conceded, hands moving all over the place in my flustered state. “But Molly and I are fine now. I don’t need your blessing or nothing, this is about Molly, not you.”

Daisy stared at me for a bit. “I suppose.” she replied, her eyes narrowing. “How is she doing?”

“Doesn’t she tell you?” I asked.

“She tells me everything is fine. I know much more is going on below the surface.”

“Well, if she doesn’t want to tell you the details of her private life, why should I?” I asked her. “It’s not like I’m asking you how to be your big brother again.”

“You still want to.” Daisy pointed out, unmoving.

“Yeah, I do, but once again, it’s about her, not me. I’m not going to try anything again. If she asks, I’ll jump at the opportunity, but until then, never again. She’s allowed me to still be her friend. I’m grateful as hell for that, and I really don’t care what you think or say, what matters to me is her and her well-being.”

Daisy sat down on the loveseat. “You’ve gotten a lot better at using your charisma to smooth over situations since we last met.”

“Or I’ve genuinely become a better person.”

“Or you’ve genuinely become a better person.” she acknowledged. “But I really have no way of proving that. You can’t blame me for being skeptical.”

“If anything, it’s probably for the best.” I admitted. “If you instantly forgave me, I could see that empowering scumbaggish behavior.” I switched to lying down on the couch. It looked like Daisy was my psychiatrist.

“And you can’t expect me to change my mind anytime soon.” Daisy added.

I smiled. “Molly gave me a year but still gave me a chance. The least I can do is accept that other people will have views on me I won’t want for a while.” I sighed. “How’s grade eight?”

“Oh, so we’re talking about me now, are we?” Daisy replied with one eyebrow raised. I gave her a look and she rolled her eyes and took her own position laying down on the loveseat. “Poorly. I seem to have miscalculated how to act in my school’s environment and now I’m in some kind of special needs program.”

“Your inner bookworm must love that level of dramatic irony.” I laughed.

“Not when it’s happening to me.” she huffed. “My options are kind of limited now. I don’t think I played my cards right.” She took a position where her head was touching the floor and her legs were draped over the top of the couch. “If you want some poetry, think about this: me trying to avoid making things complicated made them complicated.”

“Tell me about it.” I replied. “If I had just told Molly how I felt at the time, I could have avoided all of this. Maybe I’d be a better person for that too. But still, I’d have moved on from her by now too. That’d be nice. I almost wish I never felt anything for her in the first place.”

Daisy was silent for a while. “Did you do anything with her since you told her?”

“Anything in her sleep? Hell no.” There was no way in hell I was going to let Daisy know Molly was now coming on to me. That would have made things ... disastrous. “I broke things off with everyone else I was sleeping with too.”

She sat up again on the couch. “And I can’t imagine you and Molly being close again was something that happened before the last month or so.”

“Yeah, that’s just about correct.” I nodded.

“Sounds like things are still volatile to some extent, and she’s still vulnerable.” she observed. “Remember that.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I replied annoyedly. “I already know, thank you. You really like to direct the lives of others, don’t you?”

With no trace of a smile on her face, she replied with, “Look what happens when I don’t.”

“Hey now.” I recoiled, sitting up myself. “Uncalled for.”

“It’s at least good that the last year you’ve made amends.” she continued, as if we didn’t just have that moment. “Even with Molly being Molly, if she forgives you ... maybe.”

“Maybe?” I asked her.

“Maybe.” she replied, not needing to elaborate further on what she meant. “But that’s on her.”

“Would you let that happen?” I asked her sincerely.

“I wouldn’t like it. But, men are scum.”

I scrunched up my face in confusion. “You make a good point.” I replied sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes again. “Molly is vulnerable by nature. Any guy she lets in is probably going to abuse her or treat her badly in one way or another. Maybe, if she wants you in the future, it’s better she’s with a guy who’s learned to be better than a guy that ... hasn’t.”

“Or ... y’know, maybe she should get with someone who has never and will never abuse her in the first place.” I replied as if it were obvious.

Daisy smiled a challenging smile, the first smile I’d seen from her since I arrived. “Yup. I’m going to hold out she gets with that guy before she ever gets with you.” She gestured to me. “See why I’m biased against you?”

“What’s with you?” I asked her, going back to sitting. “Why can’t you presume I have learned my lesson without you being the one to teach it to me? I already knew everything you told me bef-” I cut myself off at the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Three guesses who. Both of us turned towards the stairs in time to see Molly coming down the stairs.

“Hey, guys.” she began awkwardly. “How are things?”

“Did you hear?” I asked without thinking, realizing only after that even saying that sentence meant something of substance.

“Hear what?” Molly asked. I wasn’t really prepared for that, and turned to Daisy.

Somehow, Daisy was always prepared, with a surprise to boot. “It’s nice to see him back.” she replied with a smile. She turned to me and maintained the smile. I shivered.

Molly broke into a big smile. “Hey, that’s great.” she replied warmly. “Get used to it. He’s probably going to be showing up just as often as before now that classes aren’t kicking his butt.”

I chuckled. “Did you come down here to announce my triumphant return?” I wasn’t exactly done talking to Daisy, and I was really looking forward to giving her a piece of my mind. She didn’t need to forgive me, but it wasn’t Daisy I needed to show that I was a changed man, so I didn’t have to deal with her shit. I couldn’t exactly do that with Molly there.

Molly chuckled in return. “Um, no, I actually wanted to talk to you.” She pointed to Daisy.

“Me?” Daisy asked in her innocent thirteen-year-old voice.

“Yup. Your butt, upstairs. Dad saw I was doing the dishes and wants you to do them for a change.”

“But Molly.” Daisy whined. “I do them all the time when you’re not here. And dad never does them.”

“Take it up with him.” Molly shrugged, not losing her smile. “His orders. You gotta go upstairs.”

“Ugh.” Daisy grumbled, removing herself from the couch and trudging up the stairs. Molly’s eyes followed her as she went up the stairs, then she turned to me and smiled. Wordlessly, she joined me on the couch.

“She’s a lot to handle sometimes, isn’t she?” she asked me.

I shrugged. “The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.”

“What did she say, anything I should know?”

Yes. “Not really. We were just talking about grade eight and how she’s in some kinda special needs program now.”

Molly nodded. “Yeah, that’s gotta be rough on her. Even though she may need that kind of education, it still doesn’t help to have that kind of stigma put on you.”

“Oh, you don’t even know the half of it.” I cut in. “Daisy’s actually a super-genius and has been hiding it from your family for years. She can breeze through her classes and only tried acting dumb in the first place because of expectations. She’s helped proofread some of my papers too.”

Molly laughed. “Yeah. Anyways, is she okay?”

“Oh yeah, she’s fine. We’re fine.” I shrugged mellowly.

“Good.” Molly beamed at me. “It’s nice to have you back here. I think my parents missed seeing you.”

“What did you tell them? Like, the entire time I was away.” I glanced up towards the ceiling. “Clearly not the truth.”

It was Molly’s turn to shrug. “I didn’t really say anything.”

“Did they ask?”

“Yeah, they did.” Molly got quiet, then so did I. We eventually turned to face each other and half-smiled.

I sighed. “Quit bringing it up, yeah?”

Molly’s smile got bigger. “Yeah.” she murmured. “Not like they’d understand anyway.”

“I barely understand it myself.” I quipped.

Molly shrugged, turning away but giving me a sideways sly smile. “Yeah, but as long as we’re having fun with it.”

I chuckled. “We’re certainly making the best of our situation, yeah.”

“Stop being such a downer.” Molly said with a laugh, leaning into me. “Aren’t you enjoying this?”

“Of course I am.” I replied without hesitation.

Molly’s smile turned devilish. “Aren’t you enjoying this?” she repeated, grabbing my hands and placing them on her chest.

I immediately retracted my hands. “I mean...” I awkwardly began. “Yes, but not here.”

“Why not?” Molly challenged me. “You know my parents don’t come in here after supper. And if I know Daisy, she won’t be done the dishes for a while now.”

“And you think there’s a zero percent chance she’ll come back downstairs in the meantime?” I challenged her, looking around. “Maybe she left a book downstairs or something...”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Molly dismissed me, bringing my hands back to her chest. “Daisy doesn’t read books unless her teachers force her to.”

I didn’t say anything but I let my hands remain there, unmoving, even after Molly’s hands left her chest. She slowly smiled at me. “Touch me.” she practically commanded.

I scoffed, shaking my head, letting a smile creep onto my face. In some corner of my brain, this kind of Molly was what I wanted. And she was not only consenting to it, but literally asking for it. Who could say no to that? “You’re incorrigible.” I accused as I leaned in and teasingly bit her neck.

“Ah.” she instinctually winced and then quickly smiled, the smile vanishing as quickly as it came. “We probably don’t have time to do too much.”

“We probably don’t have time to do anything.” I replied, nervously looking at the stairs.

“Will you relax?” she soothed me. “I’ll tell you what. It looks like I’m wanting this a bit more than you right now. What do you say to you eating me out now, then a blowjob for you later?”