Chapter 11: The Apologies

When I woke up in the morning, Liz was still sitting on Sylvia’s bed, though looking as though she’d slept, based on her messy hair.

It confused me at first. Sylvia didn’t have red hair...

The events of the previous night came back to me, and I bolted upright.

“Good morning,” Becky said from my chair. She also looked like she’d gotten some sleep, based again on her messy hair. “How are you feeling?”

“Overwhelmed,” I said, my voice feeling dry. “Better.”

She nodded.

I did feel better. The sleep had done wonders for the exhaustion, though my body still ached. My throat still ached. My vagina still ached. I realized it would be a little while physically before I was okay having sex again.

I still had a roiling bundle of emotions, though, even if it was easier to understand them.

“We’ll get things ready while you pee,” Becky suggested. “And we’ll let Nikki and Sylvia know you’re awake. If you’re okay with them joining us for breakfast?”

I paused, thinking about it. Feeling through my emotions.

Yes, Nikki had betrayed me. Sylvia had encouraged the whole thing. But it wasn’t that simple. They were still my friends, and the events of the game hadn’t changed that.

“Sure,” I rasped.

“Tea?” Liz wondered.

I nodded, crawling out of bed. My legs hurt from using them so much the night before. And as I made my way to the bathroom to take care of that need, the rest of my aches and pains caught up with me.

After I finished my business in the bathroom, I returned to find a steaming cup of tea ready for me. I climbed back into my bed and wrapped my blanket around me before cupping it, taking the two pills of ibuprofen that Becky offered.

There was a knock at the door, and Liz got up to answer it.

In walked Sylvia and Nikki, both with extremely contrite expressions on their faces and folded pieces of paper in their hands.

I waved with a wan smile, which seemed to cheer them up a little.

“Uh ... how are you doing?” Sylvia asked nervously, giving a quick glance at Becky, who was frowning in her direction.

“Complicated,” I said. My voice still sounded rough, though the tea was helping.

“I’m sorry things got out of hand,” she said, stepping over and handing over her piece of paper. I took it, but didn’t bother to unfold it, guessing it to be a letter.

“I’m also sorry,” Nikki said softly, likewise stepping forward and handing over her putative letter.

I took another sip of tea as they found places to sit: Sylvia joining Liz on her bed, Nikki in Sylvia’s chair. I tried to keep a neutral expression on my face, working through my own emotions.

“Let’s get breakfast,” Becky said, heading over to the small fridge and rustling around with it. After a few moments, she pulled out a large chocolate cake, which she then set back on my desk to start cutting.

I raised my eyebrows, but didn’t say anything as I watched.

“You deserve chocolate cake after last night,” Liz said. “It’ll make a good breakfast.”

“I got it expecting something like this could happen,” Sylvia admitted. It was clear that her spirits were dampened. “But I didn’t think...”

Becky handed me a plate with a very large slice on it, and I smiled my thanks to her, then looked back at Sylvia and Nikki, returning to my neutral expression. “I had a lot of fun last night,” I said, my voice still rough. “And don’t regret that we did it.”

It wasn’t really a lie. I did have a rape fantasy, and I did enjoy the whole process. Remembering back to even the chase and hiding—much less the actual sex—still aroused me, despite feeling achy down there. I would still agree that giving myself a chance to play out the fantasy just once was very much a reasonable decision.

But I was starting to realize that I was having a trauma response. The girls had anticipated that it would happen and had prepared for it, and part of me wondered why they didn’t warn me ahead of time. And I still had worries about what had happened during the game.

Still, both Sylvia and Nikki visibly relaxed as I said that.

“But what about us?” Sylvia asked, an obvious note of worry in her voice. “I ... I don’t want hard feelings over—”

“No hard feelings.” I shook my head. “I think.” I coughed, then took another sip of tea.

“I think what Mary wants to say,” Becky interjected, “Is that she understands that people will take actions in a game that aren’t actually indicative of underlying feelings or relationships. You drop the robber on someone in Catan not because you hate them, but because it’s to your strategic advantage.”

I nodded; Becky was putting it in words much better than I could.

And the chocolate cake was delicious, so I was inclined to eat that rather than talk, myself.

“But the game we were all involved in last night was not a game that was much like a board game. It may even be disingenuous to call it a game at all. So if I were in Mary’s place, the main concern I would have is whether the actions taken during the game—Sylvia’s clear indication of wanting her raped, and Nikki’s deception leading directly to the rape—are actually just playing the game, or if there are actual issues in those friendships that need to be addressed.”

Both Sylvia and Nikki looked embarrassed, their gazes dropping. I nodded some more, continuing to agree with Becky’s analysis.

“And that’s not even getting into the issues with what happened during the rape, or the fact that the person watching it did nothing.” Her voice was acerbic, and was clearly having the intended effect on them.

“It’s a difficult line,” I said, my throat feeling a little better. “And it’s not like you necessarily know everything Will and I have done together. Or how rough I would want it. I understand that. But...” I searched for something to say.

“I know that I have injured our friendship,” Nikki finally said. “And I hope we’ve played enough games of Catan together for you to know that I can get ... carried away. I saw it as a game, and didn’t think of what it would actually do to you. Rape stories online don’t usually address the trauma, and I didn’t think of it. I hope you know that I wouldn’t do that to you for real ... for anything that I thought of as real.”

“I understand,” I replied, unsure of what else to say. I wasn’t quite ready to forgive her, but I also knew the truth of her ability to get tunnel vision.

And to be fair, same with Sylvia, who spoke up next. “And I let my own desires get in the way. I can’t excuse not intervening, but I thought you were enjoying it. And I found it ... hot.”

“I did enjoy it,” I replied. “I’m just paying the price for that right now.” I sighed, looking down into my empty mug. “Look, Sylvia, Nikki. I’m injured, both physically and emotionally. But that you both are here now, that all of you are here supporting me ... it means a lot. We’re all still friends, and we’ll learn.” I tried to crack another smile. “And I have no intention on ever doing something that crazy again.”

I looked back down at my mug. Still empty. Liz seemed to understand and got up to pour me some more.

“But next time, everyone? Tell me how stupid it is first.”

Becky shrugged. “I think it’s okay to play out fantasies, even ones that might be a little trauma-inducing. I don’t think any of us quite realized how serious it would get, though.”

“Me either,” I admitted.

“So are you okay if we debrief? Talk through what happened in the game, maybe from a little more detached of a standpoint? I’d love to know what actually happened out there,” Sylvia said. “It’s okay if you don’t, but—”

“It’s fine,” I said. “What happened happened, and frankly, I’m curious about the same thing.” I smiled.

Liz cleared her throat. “So uh ... to that end. Do you mind if Will joins us?”

I almost agreed immediately, then I realized that it wasn’t as simple as that anymore. My boyfriend had raped me, and had definitely gone past lines that I had drawn in our relationship. I hadn’t stopped him at the time, had, had enjoyed it when he had, but...

That on top of a rape?

Yeah, I was going through a little bit of trauma thanks to him.

I could see why Liz was wanting to be careful, to make sure I was ready for it.

After some thought, I nodded. I needed to also know where he stood. If he also realized what he did and was apologetic for it. “I’d like that,” I said.

Liz nodded, and Becky pulled out her phone to presumably send him a text.

There was an awkward space of time where none of us talked, but the tea finished steeping and Liz handed me the mug. Becky then got out of my chair and joined me on my bed, and Liz sat down in my chair. Nikki took the hint and joined Sylvia in her bed.

The girls were protecting me. Still circling up.

I appreciated it, and felt loved.

There was a knock at the door. Soft, faltering. Sylvia got up to answer it, and quickly bounced back to her bed.

It was Will, of course, looking as hot as he always did in the morning. He looked a little more refreshed than the rest of us—he probably had gotten a shower in, and frankly, the trauma probably hadn’t even registered for him—though he still had a frown of worry. He stepped in. “Uh, hey,” he said with an awkward wave, looking at all the girls and especially at me.

The girls all gave him looks that were unhappy at best.

He read the room a little, and after gauging the seating situation took Sylvia’s chair without complaint.

“Cake?” Becky asked, pointing at the half-eaten one on my desk.

“Sure,” he said, then looked at me. “Mary, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” I croaked, leaning a little into my voice not being its greatest. My throat still hurt after all. “Mostly aching.”

“She could barely talk when she woke up,” Becky said pointedly as she handed Will a slice of cake. She turned around and handed me one before joining me on the bed again too, which I was more than happy to receive.

A pained expression spread on Will’s face. Not quite contrite, but...

Yeah, he knew.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I ... I got carried away in the moment and...”

“It was still not cool,” Liz said, steel in her voice. “And—”

“Stop,” I said calmly.

Everyone turned to look at me.

“I had fun. I’ll never do it again. I hurt like hell, but it’s what I signed up for. We played a game, and I lost. No hard feelings.” My gaze fixated on my boyfriend. “Assuming...”

“I am extremely sorry,” he said, looking down at the floor. “Though I don’t have a letter or a cake or something to prove it. I took the game as a liberty to push past limits you had established in our physical relationship, and I got into character way too much. I don’t want to play it again, and I don’t want to hurt you again, Mary. I love you too much for that, and I hope you forgive me.”

“Better,” I said, feeling warmed by his apology. I still didn’t want to let him out of the doghouse quite yet, though, not with how my throat and vagina were hurting. “But you’re not sleeping over for a month, and no sex during that time, either.”

He looked taken aback. “But...”

Liz spoke up. “Boy, do we need to explain to you in graphic detail what your penis did to her insides? That shit hurts, and you will give her as much time as she needs or so help me—”

“Liz,” I said as sternly as I could with a croaking voice. She got quiet, though, so I continued, looking again at my boyfriend. “You hurt me. It will take time to heal. If you don’t want to hurt me again, you will give me that time.”

“Okay,” he said, nodding, his face finally contrite.

“That’s good enough for me for now. Later you can apologize with a very nice dinner and letting me pick a movie to watch together.” I smiled at Sylvia. “You were wanting to debrief?”

She nodded, and I thought I saw a new level of respect in her face. “Yeah. So ... first of all, you can climb trees?”

“That one surprised me, too,” Will said. “Good cake, by the way.”