I knock on the door jam. “Hey dad?”

“What’s up?” He looks up from his model ship.

“Can I ask you about something?”

“Sure.” He goes back to painting a tiny turret.

I walk over to his study chair and take a seat. I rubbed the palm of one hand with the thumb of the other and stared at the rows of books from his personal library. I remembered him reading to me as a kid. I would run my fingers over the spines and pick out whatever I thought looked interesting. Even if the story was boring, I enjoyed sitting on his lap as he flipped the pages. The vibrations in his chest were always comforting and I would draw imaginary shapes on the arm of the black upholstery. He didn’t look at me. He just continued to paint and gently blow on the little plastic pieces.

“I wanna ask you about mom,” I said.

“What about her?” He picked up another piece and stuck the paintbrush in a cup of turpentine.

“Did she know about your ... you know, urges?”

He stopped stirring. “Why are you asking?”

“Cause the more I think about it, the more I don’t want to keep this up.” I leaned back and rested my ankle over my knee. “After military school didn’t work out, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I drifted, I worked, I kept adding to my trophies ... but I don’t want to do this forever.”

“So,” he wiped the bristles on a paper towel, “what do you want to do?”

“I’m going back to school.”

“Do you know what for?”

“Long game is architecture. But for now, I’ll just get some more credits under my belt.”

He put the brush down and spun around in his office chair. As he crossed his legs, he looked at me with some thought in his eyes, then spoke. “Well, it’s your decision. And it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

“I’m also thinking about getting my own place.”

“Yeah? So you plan on working and going to school?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

He leaned on the desk with his elbow and rubbed his mouth with the back of his index finger. “What does this have to do with mom?”

...”What if I find somebody I like, but I can’t control it.”

“You’ll have to.”

“I know, but what if I can’t?”

He stood up and went over to the closet. After a few seconds of shifting things around, he brought down a small puzzle box. “I got this when I was stationed in Japan back in ‘85. There was a huge world fair they were having in Tsukuba to show all the fancy tech they had. It lasted for months. Still, somehow I found someone selling knick knacks and bought this.” He solved the puzzle and opened it up. He handed it over and I looked inside to see a ring, a folded up photo booth strip, and a single earring. “I was recalled right before the airline flight disaster in August. Well, never mind, that’s not important.”

I picked up the photo strip and looked at the images of my mom and dad, hugging and kissing. It was weird to see them so young. “When was this?”

“You know? I don’t quite remember the year, but I do know it was a few days before I confessed the deep, sick, fantasies I had.” He stared at nothing as he continued.

“How did she react.”

“Surprisingly well. Considering we’d slept together before, I found it miraculous I hadn’t messed it up. We were only dating and I wanted to give her a chance to run before we made official. I thought she would’ve hightailed it outta my life ... but she didn’t.”

“What happened?” I asked, now more curious than ever.

He looked at me.

Adam looked at the waves on the horizon and thought about swimming onward until he drowned. Or maybe digging a giant hole in the sand and burying himself alive. Maybe he could stare into the sun until he went blind. Anything to prevent the conversation he was about to have. He looked over at Lorelei lying on her back on the large quilt. Her eyes were closed and her arms lay by her side as her hair blew softly in the breeze. He scanned his eyes across her body, trying to memorize the shape of her breasts, her hips, her legs, her ... everything. He crossed his legs and quietly meditated for a few seconds.

“Lorelei?” He said, unsure of how to proceed.

“Yeah?” She looked at him with that same smile she had the first time they met; a warm and welcoming invitation into her little world.

“I uh, I...” he rubbed his neck and stuttered to select his next sentence.

She sensed something was off. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just, I ... I have something to confess.” He looked at the ground.

She sat up and looked crossly at him. “What, did you cheat on me?”

“No! No,” he waved his hands, “nothing like that.”

“So why do you look so down?”

“‘Cause I’m not sure if you’ll still wanna be with me after I tell you.”

“Okay, now you’re starting to worry me.” She tried to look him in the eye, but he kept avoiding her gaze. “Tell me!”

He inhaled and braced himself. “ ... I have these ... urges.”

...”What do you mean, ‘urges.’” She narrowed her eyes.

...”Ever since I hit puberty, I’ve always had these strong urges revolving around sex.”

She giggled. “Well yeah, you’re a guy. I’m pretty sure all guys get ‘strong urges’ when they reach puberty.”

“No, you don’t get it,” he said as he raised his voice. “This isn’t normal, it isn’t like being horny, it’s ... it’s worse.”

“What do you mean worse.”

“I mean ... violent.”

He paused and looked at her.

“I mean like rape fantasies. Deep, dark, sadistic rape fantasies ever since I was a teenager.”

She mouthed the word, “Oh,” and crossed her legs, facing him.

“The only reason I’m telling you is because I don’t know how much longer I can push them down.”

“You’ve ... you’ve been pushing them down?” Her voice was quiet and full of concern.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Adam pulled his knees close to his chest and rested his elbows on his thighs. He clutched at his hair and rubbed at his temples, feeling as though his head was about to implode. “Ever since we started dating. Things were fine. I kept it down, I kept it under control. It wasn’t bothering me. Then, after a few months went by, they started to surface. The incessant tapping just grew louder and louder each time I was around you. I’ve tried exercising, jacking off, punching a wall, but nothing seems to be working.” He gritted his teeth and curled in tighter.

She reached out to touch his arm, “Adam-”

“Don’t!” He scooted back on the quilt. “Please. For your sake, don’t.”

Her face flushed with surprise and worry. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I just ... I really like you and I think I’m falling in love with you, and I don’t wanna hurt you ... not if I can help it.” He crossed his legs again and tried to maintain composure. “I wanted to give you the opportunity to run away before things got more serious.”

“Why would I run away?” she asked.

He snapped his eyes up, a bit shocked with her response. “‘Cause what I’m telling you isn’t normal. Besides, that’s what all the other girls did.” He looked to the side and mumbled under his breath, “Not like the sex was good or anything.”

Lorelei closed her eyes for a second, then exhaled.

“Look ... will you look at me?” He did. “Look, I don’t think you’re a monster because you have these particular fantasies. Sure, they’re ... unconventional, but they’re just fantasies. I don’t think you should beat yourself up because your fantasies are considered extreme by some people.”

“But that’s just it,” he countered, “I’m worried they’re not just fantasies. I know in my head that the idea of it being a fantasy won’t be enough. That, at some point, I’ll want the real thing and I won’t be able to stop myself.”

“That’s bullshit. You’re still in complete control of yourself.”

...”Then I’m worried I won’t want to stop myself.”

She shifted her gaze down.

“I’m afraid that part of me will won’t give a shit who I hurt to get what I want.”

“What do you want.”

“I just told you.”

“No, I want you to say it.”

“No.”

“We’re not leaving this beach until you say it!”

He growled and seethed. “ ... I want to rape you. I want to hold you down and take something from you that isn’t mine to take. I want you to hate it. I want you to know what I’m doing to you and know you can’t do anything about it.” He craned his neck to the side until it popped. “That’s what I want.”

...”Do it.”

He balked. “ ... I’m not gonna do that!”

“Why not!” She nearly yelled at him as she rose on her knees and looked down at him. “That’s what you want right? To rape me? So do it!”

“No!”

She slapped him across the face.

“Ow! Jesus, what the fuck!”

“Do it!” she stuck her arms out in a challenging pose and leaned over him. “I wanna see it.”

He felt a heat rise in his gut.

He felt something flip in his brain.

He felt a twitch in his cock.

He shot his arm out and grabbed her by the throat. She pried at his hand and tried to stand up, but he shifted his weight forward and fell on top of her with his knee between her legs. He raised himself up a bit and spotted a look of fear in her eyes. He smirked and bared his teeth.

“Be careful what you ask for.”

He grabbed the front of her bikini top and pulled, exposing her tits. She clawed at his chest and attempted to push herself out from under him with her legs. He pinned her thigh down with his knee and continued to rip at her bathing suit bottom. She grabbed hold of the fabric and tugged back but inadvertently aided him in getting it off. He took the bottoms and shoved them deep into her mouth. She moaned and began to spit them out, but he smacked her on the face. While in a haze, he licked two of his fingers and began rubbing the front of her pussy.

Lorelei squirmed and had one hand on the wrist that was still around her throat. She did her best to push his probing fingers away with her free hand, but felt his palm roughly rubbing up and down her clit. She felt a chill run through her being as he stuck his middle and ring finger past her labia and rub the depths of her vaginal walls. She thought about screaming out for help, but she had a hard time catching her breath. Not only because he was squeezing her windpipe, but also because a deep, gnawing sensation was building itself inside her pelvis.

She arched her back as she felt him pull up with his hand. He seemed to be looking for something. The taste and feel of nylon coated her tongue as she bit down and breathed through her nose. She felt as though he was going to dislocate her hips as he pushed her legs apart with his knees. The hand around her neck moved up as his fingers pushed on the side of her jaw, forcing her head to twist to the side. She watched the waves crash and pummel themselves onto the shore as she felt his hand speed up with his fingers pulling up and outward. She didn’t know what he managed to touch. All she knew was that it sent a spark of electricity throughout her entire body. Her hand gripped at the quilt under their struggling bodies as she felt hot tears fall from her eyes.