82: Healing

We were officially pregnant. Man! Three women on the ranch pregnant. Theresa and Doreen overlapped the first time around. This time, Dani was between them. The three women did their exercises together, ate together, and planned together. And Dawn supervised. She was now a full-fledged Registered Nurse and was working in an obstetrics clinic. On the side, she was continuing to take classes to become a midwife. I'm sure that looking at Theresa, Dani, and Doreen was like looking at a smorgasbord. In fact, I could probably eat all three!

I guess I shouldn't have snickered about that. The four women sitting at our dining room table wanted to know what I thought was so funny.

"Uh ... Nothing!" I said. I headed for the big chair next to the fireplace and immersed myself in a book on the theory of mass communication.

About half an hour later, Dani and Doreen were sharing my lap.

"You aren't going to quit making love to us just because you've already succeeded in knocking us up, are you?" Doreen said.

"Dor, you know I'd make love to you any time you want. And Dani, don't ever think I don't want to be with you in any way you want to be with me. You know I don't ask often, but I think about it constantly. You are the mothers of my children and I worship you."

I guess I said something right, because I was being smothered in kisses.

"Your daughters want to be cuddled by their father tonight," Dani whispered in my ear.

"Am I having two daughters?" I asked.

"At least," Doreen said. "Dani might be having triplets, you know."

"Oh shit! Danielle, you've had an ultrasound, haven't you? We should prepare if there is more than one in there. I never even thought about that!"

"The doctor said there was no real reason to have an ultrasound unless we suspect something wrong. I'm not going to have an amnio, either. Our daughter has had enough trauma in her life without adding any more," Dani said.

"There's no reason to be concerned, is there?" I asked.

"The only thing that really stood a chance of affecting the pregnancy was the anesthetics and antibiotics they used on me to repair my jaw before I knew I was pregnant," Dani said. I turned her head and kissed the scar on her face. To me, she was even more beautiful. She'd gotten that scar protecting me. I loved her so much. Once she had found out she was pregnant, she had refused any additional reconstructive or cosmetic surgery until after the baby was born. I knew, though, that she still had painkillers. A shattered jaw just doesn't heal that quickly.

"It's just one more invasive procedure that doctors use to add on to the bill," Doreen declared. I was sure she was quoting either Dawn or Theresa. "I'm not going back to the birth center for this one. This little girl will be born at home. Dawn has already said she'd clear her calendar."

"We're really lucky to have an obstetric nurse cum midwife on the ranch," I said.

"Luck really had nothing to do with it," Doreen said. "From the moment she helped deliver Eleanor, Dawn has been determined to become the midwife for the clan. She helped with Sugar's delivery. She helped with Theresa's. We were already committed to the birth center, or she'd have helped with Matthew."

"Dawn said she wants to deliver a hundred babies on the ranch. I don't think she intends that they all be in one generation," Dani said. "Oooh. Baby just kicked. Did you feel it?"

"Yes," Doreen said. She had one hand on her own stomach and one hand on Dani's. "I can't feel my baby yet, but I can sense her. Does that make sense?"

"It does," I said. "You know I felt Matthew long before they said it was possible. I've felt Dani's baby and she's just twenty-four weeks. I bet I will be able to feel ours by the start of the second trimester."

"Not taking that bet," Doreen laughed. "Unless the stakes are something where I'm guaranteed an orgasm, win or lose."

"What would you like, oh mothers of my children?"

"I think a roller coaster ride would be good," Dani said. "The kind where you keep shaking up my insides, you know? All that slosh-slosh will put baby right to sleep."

"Ditto," Doreen said.

"Let's go to bed," I whispered as I kissed the two women.

We fixed a celebratory first legal drink for George on Saturday, but he didn't stay long. Turns out that Debbie and Dolly had a celebration of their own in mind for him and they wanted to start early. George's parents were visiting on Sunday, so they'd have other obligations that day. George was blushing and grinning from ear to ear when he left with the two girls.

"I think my sisters may have met their match," Dani whispered. "I don't know how long this will last, but I noticed an awful lot of George's clothes at the house when I was over this week."

"They could do a lot worse. So could George," I laughed.

"Brian?" TK said when she sidled up next to me.

"What is it, gorgeous?"

"Kitty needs some petting. Please?"

"Just petting, dear?"

"Well, you know. With your tongue. That's the best way."

"I see. I've never really studied cats that much."

"Oh shit, Brian. Just make it all sloppy and fuck me, okay?"

"Excuse me," I said to Dani. "I have a kitty that needs to be petted." TK was dragging me toward the stairs to the girls' dorm. In thirty seconds my face was buried between her thighs, lapping up her kitty's milk. She was on a short fuse and flooded me with her juices in a couple minutes. She pulled at me, tore open a condom, and dressed my ready and willing cock. Pushing me onto my back she mounted and rode for all she was worth.

"Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah!" she panted out her next orgasm and then collapsed forward on me. We kissed long and slowly. I rolled with her until she was on her back and I was in the driver's seat. I began a long and languorous loving.

"Do you want to talk about it while I push in and out of you?" I asked. "Or do you want to wait until both of us have a loud screaming orgasm?"

"We're going to have a loud screaming orgasm, aren't we," she gasped. "I know we are. I love you, Brian. You've been so good to me. I haven't shown you nearly often enough how much you mean to me."

"And you chose now because you are upset over George?"

"No! Not exactly. I can't help it that when I saw those two drag him off, I got wet. I just wanted to have a good time, too," she said. We continued the slow build toward the next peak. "I wasn't substituting you, Brian. The same thing happens to me when I see Courtney wiggle her butt in front of your face. Or when Rhonda turns to kiss you. Or when Donna and Lamar get caught outside at night. Or when..."

"Wait! Donna and Lamar got caught outside? When was that?"

"Over Labor Day weekend. Don't tell them I saw. I don't think they know."

"And what happens when you see lovers on the ranch?"

"I want to love them, too. I don't want to take anyone away from anyone else. I just want to be loved like everyone else is loved."

"I love you, TK."

"I know. That's why I came to you. And I know Doug loves me, and Monte. And ... Well, you get the picture. I just keep thinking I want a guy who treats me like Lamar does Donna, or Doug does Rachel, or you do Dani. I know I'm only nineteen. I'll be twenty in November. I know I'm young. But ... Life is so short! Whenever I think of ... Of Lexi ... She was only nineteen. She hadn't found her true love. She was just ... like me." Tears were falling and lovemaking had been forgotten. I held TK and rocked her in my arms.

It was so easy to forget. Not to forget what happened, but to forget that I wasn't the only one affected. TK and Amber had seen their friend gunned down in front of them before George and Rich threw them behind the stone monument. Addison's boyfriend was killed while he was holding her. Sam. Dani. Jennifer. Courtney. We'd all been there. For the first time, I realized Debbie and Dorothy must have been close enough to see their sister shot.

I'm so fucking selfish.

All I thought about was that I should have died instead of them. That I was the survivor. That I was the one who couldn't do anything. It was all about me. TK had to be feeling the same things. And I'd done nothing to help the others. They were the ones who had planned the memorial garden. They'd dug the bed for the River of Life. They'd smoothed the stones. All while I was in the hospital and then hiding from everyone.

Poor TK. Poor everyone.

We invited George and the girls to meet his parents in the big house and had a slightly delayed birthday lunch for him. Debbie and Dolly were downright reserved in their dress and attention as they spoke with the Doctors McCall. I watched the interactions, amused as the girls sat on either side of George, serving him and chatting with his parents. It looked like his parents were amused, as well.

After the meal, Dani joined the three as they took the McCalls to the village to show them their home and the progress that was being made on the store and café. Unlike the houses, the commercial buildings weren't being manufactured and installed. Both the store and the café were faced with Indiana limestone. Across the corner, a fairly large building was started, using the same construction techniques. This was going to become the headquarters of Designed by Leonard. Just up the street, the lot had been staked out for the new fire station. I spent some time in the silo—the sacred space—just working on forms and centering myself. I was still processing all that I had learned from TK the night before.

"You look very at peace while you are doing that," a voice said from the door. I turned to face George's mom. She was a psychologist and had been my counselor back in the days when I'd rescued Rhonda and brought her home. She really helped get me through some tough times. I knew that Rhonda still talked to her by phone ever so often.

"Yeah. Too bad I can't do it all the time," I sighed. I picked up my clothes, only just becoming aware that I was nude. That was how I usually worked out in the silo.

"Would you show me the River of Life?" she asked. I looked over toward the path. Everyone had left now. It was nearly three o'clock and we only allowed visitors from noon until two on Saturday and Sunday. There had been a big upsurge in the number of visitors when classes started, but it had died off quickly. There had been fewer than a hundred guests today. That was good. I was sure that as winter weather settled in, traffic would drop off completely.

"Sure. Doesn't Papa Ben want to come along?"

"No. Just you and me." Oh. She wanted to talk. To me.

"What do you think of George's girlfriends?" I asked. We trudged toward the path.

"George might finally have more than he can handle. But I have a feeling he's going to make a valiant effort." She laughed a little and when we reached the gravel path she took off her shoes. We walked along silently until we reached the colored pebbles and white chain that marked the beginning of the river. I picked up one of the wooden rakes kept nearby and stepped over the chain. I offered Dr. McCall a hand as she stepped over the chain to join me. I went toward the center of the garden and raked a circle around myself. Then I handed the rake to her. She carefully raked a path that touched mine.

"How are you doing, Brian?"

"Is this an official visit, Dr. McCall?"

"No. This is Mama Ruth asking about her son."

"Thank you. Well ... um ... I guess I've just realized that I've been a bit of an ass," I sighed. I'd spent the entire night with TK held in my arms. Yes, we'd made love. Multiple times. But we'd also talked. Amber was the first to join us on TK's bed and then Addison. Before long, Nancy and Pam were sitting on the bed with us. I held each of the girls as we talked. We kissed. We held each other. We cried a little. We made love. "I've been seeing myself as the survivor who should have died, never thinking about anyone else. TK thinks of herself that way, too. All of them do."

"Yes. George felt he'd acted like a coward when he hid behind the monument. He thought he'd let you down by not helping you."

"He protected TK."

"Of course he did."

"I suppose you think I should get over this and just forget about it," I growled.

"Why ever would I think that? Forget your trauma? Forget your loss? That would make you something much different than the man you are. Much less." I raked a much larger circle with both of us inside and handed her the rake again. She began to rake swirls in the pattern while she stepped through the design I'd created.

"Shouldn't I be different than the man I am?" I asked. I didn't feel like I was much to brag about.

"You don't like yourself?"

"I don't like the sudden realization that I've been selfish and uncaring."

"And then you fix that by holding and caring for that young woman last night."

"How did you know that?"

"TK and I have been friends ever since she dated George. Not therapist, just friend."

"That's good. I worry about her."

"That's good. I would guess she is not the only one you worry about." I started a large arc with the rake and Ruth took it from me to turn and arc the other direction. We'd reached the opposite end of the River and looked back at the intricate design we'd created while talking. It was beautiful. We'd almost been playing in the stones and the result was complex and incredible.

"I worry about everyone. I convinced myself that I wasn't safe to be around and never thought about what anyone else felt."

"And then you fix it. I told you once that you couldn't fix Rhonda. But I never said you couldn't fix yourself."

"Physician, heal thyself," John quoted from the front seat. No matter how many times I was up in the Cub, I just couldn't get used to the idea of driving from the back seat. It sort of freaked me out to see him in front and know he wasn't touching the controls. Still, it was great to fly with John and we'd been talking about what Mama Ruth had said to me.