32: Production

"Cameras."

"Rolling."

"Action in three..." Rhonda counted down two and one on her fingers. Elaine entered from the curtains on our left and we applauded politely. This was it. We were doing our first recording as if it were a live performance in front of twelve volunteers from the clan as a studio audience. I was the only male.

"Thank you. Hello! I'm Elaine Frost. Welcome to Chick Chat, the show where girls talk." She turned toward the left. All three cameras were live and Rhonda was working her magic on a small platform in the center of the room where all three stage areas could be seen. It was a brilliant solution on the part of Doug and Carl who created the central command center so that at least all the monitors and controls didn't have to be moved between shows.

ELAINE: Let's talk about the law. The speed limit is 55.

It's posted on a sign right beside the highway:

"SPEED LIMIT 55".

But you need to read the fine print.

Speed limit 55

Unless you are in a hurry;

Unless you are late;

Unless it's an emergency.

Speed limit 55

Unless you only push it a little;

Unless you are a better driver than most people;

Unless other drivers are really idiots.

Speed limit 55

Unless you drive a sports car;

Unless you used to drive a sports car;

Unless you want to drive a sports car.

Speed limit 55

Unless they don't ticket until you are ten over;

Unless it's late at night;

Unless no one else is around.

Speed limit 55

Unless it's a dumb law;

Unless it's really just a suggestion;

Unless the DOT made a mistake.

Unless you are going downhill;

Unless there is a car right in front of you and you just don't like following someone;

Unless you are in the FAST LANE.

Speed limit 55

Unless you're nearly out of gas and need to get home before you run out;

Unless you're thinking about something else;

Unless you are angry, sad, upset, happy, celebrating, or drunk.

Unless you can afford it;

Unless you know someone who can fix it;

Unless you have a really good lawyer.

Speed limit 55

Unless you have to pee;

Unless there's a storm coming;

Unless your time is more important than speed limits.

Speed limit 55

Unless everybody goes faster;

Unless you're just sticking with traffic;

Unless you just want to get there.

Unless you drive for a living;

Unless you don't drive for a living;

Unless they're not serious;

Unless your wife made you do it;

Unless your speedometer is broken;

Unless it's not criminal and you wouldn't break an IMPORTANT law;

Unless going faster sticks it to the man;

Unless you really just don't care.

SPEED LIMIT 55

Unless you read the fine print.

[Pause as we applaud. Turn slowly toward Camera two. Little nose wrinkle.]

We've got a great show lined up today. What could be better than a man in uniform? Shh shh shh. Ladies! Other than men in kilts. Our special guest today is Monroe County Sheriff Jim Donaldson and we are going to talk about the law. Let's have a warm welcome for Sheriff Donaldson.

[Applause. Sheriff Donaldson enters from our right. Elaine turns to welcome him and shake hands.]

"Cut!" Rhonda called out. She jumped down from her control platform and got in front of us all. "You all are the lucky audience. We decided before we started that we would shoot the monologue twice, you all get to hear Elaine punch out those words one after another again. Girl! How do you talk so fast? We missed a critical cut when you went into the long stream at the end. You started to back up when the cameras closed in on you. Don't. Cameras, we'll draw a new line on that two feet back. From then on, camera one zoom in slowly and time it until you are tight on her mouth at 'Going faster sticks it to the man'. Camera three hold rock steady. Camera two reverse and roll back to full body shot so that when she turns to you to introduce the guest we have the whole set. Elaine, don't forget that April here is your target for the introduction. Sound, fix that scrape on the sheriff's microphone. We can hear it as soon as he starts moving. Five minutes till live. Sam, Elaine needs water. Liz, touch up her lipstick after she has a drink."

We scuffled around and chatted among ourselves. My motormouth girlfriend was incredible. So was her producer/director.

"Places, everyone," Sam called. "Live in fifteen seconds." We turned and stopped scuffing our feet.

"Cameras."

"Rolling."

"Action in three..." and we were off again. I couldn't believe how Elaine could rattle that whole thing off so perfectly a second time. And then she and Sandy's father, Sheriff Donaldson, sat in the big leather chairs.

"Aren't these chairs luscious?" Elaine asked him.

SHERIFF: Very comfortable.

ELAINE: Sometimes I just fall asleep in them.

SHERIFF: Should I nudge you?

ELAINE: It's never happened with a guest. Yet. [Laughter.]

SHERIFF: There's a first time for everything.

ELAINE: Let's hope not. Sheriff, there is a burning question on every woman's mind that none of us have ever had the courage to ask. [Lean forward and slowly unbutton top two buttons on blouse.] Can a woman really get out of a ticket by showing a little cleavage?

SHERIFF: I think if you show any more, Elaine, I might have to write a ticket. [Laughter.] Our responsibility as officers of the law is to enforce the law equally, no matter what. Except...

ELAINE: You're human?

SHERIFF: That certainly comes into the equation. Not just in terms of women and traffic tickets, but in understanding the dynamics of whatever the situation happens to be at the time. It's important that we realize that not only are we human, but that you are, too.

Twenty minutes later, we all applauded as Elaine and Sheriff Donaldson shook hands again.

[Camera tight on Elaine.]

ELAINE: Join me again, won't you? This is Chick Chat, where girls talk.

By the time we were finished for the day, we were exhausted. I felt bad for Brenda, Sora, and Rose. I stood back and tried to do their second workout with them. I couldn't do the first one because I'd get all sweaty just before they turned the cameras around to the kitchen set and started Young Cooking. I was ready to drop when they finished their twenty-seven minute aerobic workout. They were awesome!

So we filmed Elaine's first show, swung around to Sora's first workout show, and took a break so all the showers in the house could run. By that time, I was ready to start the cooking show and Mary had all my ingredients prepped and ready. She was working with Susan and Pam in the kitchen and for today, since it was the first episode to be filmed in our studio, Lexi and Judy were my girlfriends of the day and Rachel, Nancy, and Robyn were our guest audience. Then we started the cycle over again. Elaine started her afternoon show with a monologue about drama queens and how they weren't doing it right. It consisted of multiple flips of the hair, exasperated sighs and looks of disbelief, and a hand thrown back against her forehead. Her guest was her former theater director from UIndy. She'd chosen guests with whom she was familiar and could banter for her first day of filming. And both were good shows. We all knew these wouldn't be the first ones released, but they served to relax her and the second session of the day went smoother than the first. The second exercise session had eight women in it with Rose, Sora, and Brenda. I couldn't keep up. They were combining the whole thing with dance moves and all the girls seemed to just fall right into them. Several of us guys tried to keep up and swore that we were going to treat our women especially nicely that night.

Then they taped an interview with Rachel in Stall One, so we still couldn't make any noise. I went out and played cowboy for a while. I just jumped up on Jingo out in the pasture and rode around with the other horses. Queenie and Lady acted like they were attached to Jingo's rear and just followed him wherever we rode. For all his name made him sound evil, Larry's horse, Diablo, was a sweetie, although a little standoffish. I was surprised that the mule pretty much ruled the rest of the herd. It wasn't that he was dominating anyone. When you watched him move to a different part of the pasture to graze, pretty soon all the other horses were in that part of the pasture, too. They say mules are smarter than horses.

Mr. Jacobs from next door had mowed the pasture after Larry told me I should do it. Pasture grass should be kept six to eight inches long, not like the knee-length grasses we had last year.

"Are you planning to get more horses, Brian?" Mr. Jacobs asked.

"I don't think we have room for any more."

"Well, we could open that northeast quarter of my fields. I'm getting too old and tired to plant a hundred acres and then try to get rid of it all," he said.

"That would be great, even if we didn't expand the herd any further. We should talk about what it would cost to rent that pasture as you shut down this year's hay crop."

"First cutting's in," he continued to jaw. "We need to figure the balance between what you need for your horses and how much to put in pasture. I see you've got the remainder of last year's crop under a tarp. Don't like to see that, myself. Holds in too much moisture. We'll just keep your hay in my barn and you or your boys or your girls can come get a load when you need it."

I reviewed what Mr. Jacobs had said in light of the sheriff's suggestions and decided that I should carve out time to go talk to him soon.

About ten minutes after I got back in the house, I heard a cowbell being clanged outside. It was faint until the front door opened and Rhonda came in, closely followed by Whitney, Adam, Tim, and Judy.

"The ranch is secure and cleared of guests!" Rhonda announced. "Repeat, there are no longer non-clan-members on the grounds." She set the bell on the kitchen counter and started stripping off her clothes. Before the last piece of clothing hit the floor, you could see her shoulders sagging. "I am so tired!" I started to protest getting naked with the younger clan members present and not just our casa, but Judy, Lexi, TK, Monte, and Ross were already naked.

"Do we have food?" Whitney whined.

"It's ready," Mary said. "We've got a Mexican casserole of some kind. Let me get the trays out of the oven."

"Some kind?" I asked as I helped get the casseroles out of the oven.

"I just followed the recipe Donna gave me," Mary laughed. "She can explain."

"It's a tortilla layer casserole," Donna said. "The two in square dishes are vegetarian. The big ones are ground beef."

"Mmm. I love you, honey," I said. I kissed Donna soundly. "Thanks for taking up the responsibility of planning dinners for us."

"Well, as long as I'm going to be here for the summer, I figured this was a job I could do," Donna said. She kissed me again. "Yum. We could do this a lot more, you know. Anyway, I'm planning to spend the day cooking on Saturday so the entire next week's meals are ready to put in the oven as soon as your show is over. Sunday, I belong to Heaven."

"She's really going to be here, isn't she," I said. Donna looked around.

"Get a plate of food and let's find a place to eat outside." I did as directed and grabbed a can of pop. When we were parked at one of our picnic tables, Donna started to talk.

"I'm worried about her, Brian. We're fulfilling all the terms she set for coming here, but she's getting paranoid. Adam is going to pick her up in Chicago. She said it had to be him and no one else. He is functioning as her security and will be present any time she is not in her motorhome. She rented a huge thing for her and her chaperone. She wants me to stay in the motorhome with her, and Adam nearby."

"Damn. I hope everything will work out okay. How long is she staying?"

"She's agreed to film two segments for Elaine and one with you. Elaine doesn't want to start on Monday because she wants some time to get to know Joanne again before they start talking on camera. So Rhonda plans to have her film Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. We're being very selective in terms of our audiences for her segments. A few of our moms are coming down and the rest will all be members of the clan. She has specifically stated that the only men that are to be present during the sessions are the crew plus you and Adam."

"It's like she's going completely off the deep end. I mean, when I saw her in September, she was really cautious. She searched the bedroom and bathroom for hidden cameras and to be sure no one could see through any of the blinds." It hardly even sounded like the Joanne I knew.

"It's getting worse. Not only have the tabloids put out a bounty for nude photos of her, but now Penthouse has joined the hunt, too. The problem is that the designers she represents have it stipulated that nude photos are cause for termination of their contracts. Otherwise, I think she'd just do a nude photoshoot and be done with it," Donna said.

I was worried about what next week would bring.

"This is stupid!" Courtney ranted at the kitchen counter. "I got an A in that class!" Donna and I had just walked back in and people were cleaning up dishes. Courtney had a letter in her hands. I kissed Donna and sat down next to Court and opposite Jennifer.

"What is it, my courtesan?" I asked softly.

"A letter from the office of the registrar stating that my registration in level two programming was declined by the professor because I failed to fulfill the required prerequisite. The prereq was the course I just finished. I got an A in it. This is stupid!" she continued. She was building up a head of steam.

"Can you get an appointment to go talk to him?" I asked.

"Not tonight!"

"I meant as soon as possible. Does he have open office hours during summer term?"

"I'll send him an email. If he's being this way about it, he probably blocked me."

"Call and leave a phone message."

"I have to cool down a little first or I'd scream at him. They are all a bunch of misogynistic pigs who can't imagine a 'girl' programming," Courtney pouted. "Computer Science, where the odds are good but the goods are odd," she quipped putting both hands under her breasts and thrusting them forward. "Hold me?"