104: Why Have Sex?

Liz settled into my lap Sunday afternoon, the twenty-seventh of April. It was a lazy afternoon. I’d been out riding in the morning and worked with the kids in the silo. James and Céleste had joined the morning sessions, determined to catch up with their brothers and sisters. I realized the older kids had been teaching the little ones for nearly a year. The level of balance each of the kids had was amazing. We’d made the tough decision to start home schooling Ellie and Matthew in the fall and they were doing their best to teach the three younger children everything they learned. Theresa and Cassie were doing their best, but eventually Robyn stepped to help with a nursery school for a couple hours each day for Sarah, Leslie, C-Rae, and Xan. When he found out about it, Brett volunteered an hour or two a day as well. He was majoring in elementary education. Of course, all the moms volunteered in the classroom at least once a week.

Xan, at four, still refused to speak. We were all a little concerned, but she was fluent in her sign language and on the ranch, everyone could talk to her. Dr. Jan said it was better that we not make an issue of it, but that she would have to verbalize when she was with non-signing children. We decided to let it go. Geoff and Robyn’s daughter, Sarah, joined us when she turned two and was now in the pre-school with the other three. James, Céleste, and Sarah were all involved in training now. Larry had acquired half a dozen ponies, not much smaller than Toby and Tyler. When I was finished with the kids on Sunday morning, they all reported to Larry and Theresa for riding lessons.

It was peaceful in the house and I was just sitting, staring at the fire in the fireplace when Liz settled naked into my lap.

“Mmm. My lubricious redheaded lover,” I whispered as I stroked her hair and raised my lips to kiss her. She squirmed in my lap and settled in for a long, sexy kiss. Sometimes that’s all you really want or need. It’s not like I’m some superman that needs to make love to fifteen women every day. I just wanted to cuddle her naked body up against my own and kiss.

“Do you want a boy or a girl this time?” she whispered.

“Hmm. Are we going to plan it in advance?” I asked.

“Well, it might be a little late to do that.”

“Liz? Red, are you preggers?”

“According to the two blue lines on the pee stick I am. Add that to the fact that my last period was the last week of February. I’m beginning to feel like I’ve got a little parasite in my tummy.” She pulled my hand down to her tummy. At two months, it was way too early to feel anything, but I softly rubbed her tummy and whispered to the unborn.

“Baby Frost, Papa is out here waiting for you. You be a boy or girl; it doesn’t make a difference. Mama and Papa will love you.”

“You say the sweetest things. I love you, Brian.”

“Are you positive the baby is in there? Maybe we should go make sure.”

I carried my pregnant lover to the master suite and we made very sure there was a baby in her tummy.

“Brian? Brian!” I heard the voice from downstairs. I guess I’d dozed off after Liz and I made love. She moaned softly as I rolled out of bed and went downstairs.

“I’m here. What’s up?” I asked. Theresa was there and she’d been crying. Oh no! The children!

“I’m sorry, Brian. Gypsy’s down. This is the end for the old girl. I called the vet. He’s on his way,” Theresa cried. My moment of relief that the children were okay was lost in my sudden grief for the old horse.

“Rhonda...” I started as I grabbed my jeans and boots.

“She’s with her. She and Sam found her.”

I stomped into my boots and started snapping my shirt as I left the house. Gypsy. The gentle old Arabian who had been my comfort and my confidante. I’d just given her a carrot this morning when I took Toby out. We headed out to the pasture.

“The children?”

“They know. Matthew and Ellie are with Rhonda and Sam. Dawn got all the little ones back to the house with Robyn. We’ll take her body to the rendering plant in Columbus tomorrow. I’m so sorry, Brian. I know how you loved that old girl.”

Rhonda was sitting on the ground with Gypsy’s head in her lap. Sam had the two kids held next to her and it was obvious they’d all been crying. Larry knelt beside Rhonda with his arm around her shoulders. It was a sweet gesture. I hugged Rhonda and we petted our horse’s neck while we waited for the vet. She didn’t appear to be in pain. She just didn’t have the strength to get up.

Once I was with Rhonda, Larry left to get a tarp and direct the vet out to the pasture. It was about half an hour later that the vet gave Gypsy an examination and shook his head.

“She’s a good old girl and she’s had a good life,” he said. “But I’m afraid her time has come.”

“She outlasted Jingo,” I said. He’d been the first of the horses to go a year ago. “Gypsy’s thirty-seven.”

“And she’s ready. She knows we’ll help her along. Just keep petting her and telling her you love her. I’ll take care of everything else.” He did. He was good and gentle. He’d been calling on our horses ever since we moved to the ranch. Gypsy didn’t even flinch when he injected the tranquilizer. She just let her head fall in Rhonda’s lap. We talked quietly while the vet prepared the catheter in her neck and then let the drug flow into her veins.

“No more listening to me recite poetry and Bible verses, girl,” I whispered. “You were never a harsh critic, even when I stumbled.”

“You taught us all how to ride barrels,” Rhonda said. “Remember when Brian rode you to rescue me at the fair?”

“And the summer Rhonda rode you every day and you won her a blue ribbon?” I said.

“You were the first horse we ever put Ellie or Matthew on and they love you, too.”

“Can we pet Gypsy?” Matthew asked as he and Ellie and Sam moved closer to us.

“Of course you can, son,” I said. “You understand that Gypsy is dying, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Ellie said. “She’s going to go be with Jingo.”

“That’s right. Gypsy is a very old girl. She and Jingo will go racing through the sky on stormy nights as if they were just yearlings again.” I didn’t care if it was true or not. It was what I wanted to believe. The kids understood more than I could say in words. They knew where meat came from. They knew the goats gave milk and sometimes meat. They knew the chickens at Del and Maribelle’s got roasted or fried.

“We’ll put Gypsy’s ashes in the River,” Matthew said. Shit! I cried, petting her cheek as she breathed out her last breath.

We had a fire that night. No, we didn’t burn Gypsy. Larry loaded her in the back of the farm trailer and hauled her to Columbus early Monday morning. But we did cut her mane and tail and burned them. We scooped up the ashes and took them to the River of Life. And why not? I suppose some people would be appalled that we mixed animal ashes with human ashes, but Lexi loved Gypsy, too. Perhaps she would be riding those ghost horses in the thundering storms.

Ellie and Matthew raked the ashes into the River.

I was anxious to get the last show over on Friday the ninth of May. The next day was a big day for us. Angela would have her MD degree conferred. Josh would finally get his MS. And Rose would get her MBA. But, we’d put together a good series this week and in a way I was having fun with it. Rhonda, Elaine, and Nicki had stayed in the studio to watch. It would be a phenomenal success or a dismal failure. There was no middle ground on this one.

ME: Welcome back to XX/XY. We’ve got a nice mix of young men and young women in the audience today. So I figured it was a perfect day to talk about sex. [Titters.] Admit it. We think about it all the time. Why not talk about it?

Before we went on the air, we passed around a survey created by an incredible interviewer who continually updates me regarding who is interested in the show. Surprisingly enough, it is young men and women. That’s a big revelation! When we started the show we thought it would only interest young women. But look! There are guys in the audience.

The reason we took the survey today, though, was to gather some statistics. It might interest you to know that we’ve given that same survey to every audience this week, though we’ve not talked about it on-air. You see, we wanted you to have plausible deniability. When I talk about the majority of respondents, you can always say, well that’s not the way any of us answered. Safety in numbers. Anonymity. It’s safe to be honest.

So our first result is that there are slightly more women who responded to the survey than men. Fifty-five percent women and forty-five percent men. That pretty well follows the demographics of our audiences this year. Which should make this interesting. Today we are going to have a little ‘Man vs. Woman’ contest. We’ve randomly chosen two volunteers from the audience. I say random in that my lovely and ever-present assistant Cassie selected the volunteers and I have no idea who is coming up here. Cassie?

CASSIE: Brian, the random access portion of my brain selected Sam White as the male representative. Sam is an Easterner, hailing from the city of Philadelphia. He was invited to visit this week by his girlfriend in Indianapolis and she bought tickets to the show. She also volunteered him for the contest. Putting you on the spot, Sam. Come and join us. [Applause as Sam makes his way forward.]

Representing women everywhere, we have Bonnie Sorenson from the Golden Coast of California. Bonnie made the trip to Indianapolis specifically to be on today’s show. She is, however, spending the non-show hours of her vacation visiting her sister and brother-in-law and her brand new niece. Bonnie, we gave your sister a seat in our sound booth so she could attend with the baby. She’s the one who threw you in front of the bus. Eyes are watching you. Please join us here on stage. [Applause as Bonnie makes her way forward.]

ME: Our randomizer took a lot of things into consideration in making these selections. First of all, you both agreed to be in our contest, correct? [Nods.] Second, you know that we are going to ask you about the questions that were on the survey and which you already responded to, right? [Nods.] Sam, how old are you?

SAM: Nineteen.

ME: Bonnie, how about you?

BONNIE: Eighteen.

ME: Pretty well matched. Different coasts and different perspectives. Let’s get ready to play. Cassie has handed you each a small whiteboard so you can write your answers down and we can erase them between questions. Our audience this week has had 254 people between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one. There were another thirty-three who were older or younger than this. There were a total of 113 men and 141 women in the sampling. Now you know the statistics. Let’s see how you think they answered the questions.

Question one. Do you have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend? We did not differentiate whether this was a heterosexual pair or a homosexual pair or a multiple. Of 254 people, how many said they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Write down your answers and show the audience. [Bonnie: 220. Sam: 115.]

Wow! That’s quite a difference. Bonnie, you think that all but thirty-four of our audience members said they had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Tell me how you figured that? Do you have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend?

BONNIE: No. It just seems like I’m the only girl who doesn’t have a steady and all the guys are taken.

ME: That’s succinct. Sam, your answer was very different. Do you have a steady girlfriend or boyfriend?

SAM: Yes, she volunteered me for this position. When I talk to my friends, though, they all consider me to be really lucky. Most of them don’t have girlfriends and have a hard time even getting a date on the weekend. It’s not that they’re bad guys. They’re just not able to connect in the right way.

ME: Well, here is the real answer. You’ve each got a little of the answer correct. A slightly larger percentage of the women surveyed had a significant other than of the men surveyed. But it was remarkably close. In fact, it split at exactly half the total surveys. Meaning that Sam’s answer was just a little lower than reality. One hundred twenty-seven said they had a steady. That’s just a profile question. This time we are going to ask you to divide your answer into a percentage of the men and a percentage of the women.

Question two: Do you want to have sex? Yes or No. We didn’t leave any room for prevaricating. So tell us in two numbers, what percentage of the men and what percentage of the women said ‘Yes’? [Scribbling. Hold up tablets.]

Sam, you don’t have much faith in the women wanting to have sex, do you? Is this figure of 10% based on your experience? [Blushes.]

SAM: Actually, my girlfriend and I have a very satisfactory sex life when we are together. At least we did until I answered this question. [Laughter.] But we’re pretty open about the fact that we’re in love, we plan to get married, and we’re happily engaged in every way. I still think we’re an exception. From the way I’ve heard women talk and guys talk about the women they’ve known, we live in a pretty frustrated world.

ME: Yet you don’t believe that high a percentage of men want to have sex.

SAM: I might be wrong about this, but guys get a bad rap. At our age, we’re looking for the woman who will be the right match for us long-term. Sure that means we’ll have sex, but there are other things that come first. I know a lot of guys that would be happy to just hold hands with a girl on a regular basis.

ME: Bonnie, your numbers tell a different story. Tell me about your numbers. 100% of men and 50% of women.

BONNIE: All men want to have sex all the time. There are a lot of sluts out there, too, and combined with women like Sam’s girlfriend who are in a long-term relationship, I’d say about half of women want to have sex. The rest just want to be loved. They’ll have sex if that will get them love.

ME: You don’t know how true part of that statement is, and we’re going to get back to that. But let’s take a look at the numbers and see who is closest. Of those surveyed, 91% of the men said Yes, they wanted to have sex. Remember, we didn’t specify whether we meant right now or in ten years, nor with whom. That’s a lot closer to Bonnie’s 100% than to Sam’s 50%. But here’s what’s going to surprise both of you. 91% of the women surveyed also said Yes.

BOTH: No way!

I wrapped up with a couple of the innocuous questions like “How many children would you like to have in your family?” And “Who says ‘I love you’ first in a relationship?” We gave both Sam and Bonnie a gift certificate for dinner for two at Le Palais.

Then I got down to business.

ME: 91% of both men and women want to have sex. Why?

I see a lot of blank stares. Most of you are asking yourselves ‘Why wouldn’t I want to have sex?’ It’s like asking why you eat or why you breathe. It’s a physical imperative. But the truth is there are dozens of reasons to have sex. We touched on one of them in the contest. When surveyed, over half the women answered that they wanted to have sex so their boyfriends would love them. It’s an old truism that women trade sex for love and men trade love for sex. Our guest tonight, Dr. Naomi Reynolds, is going to talk to us about the trade and negotiation of sex. She has some pretty thought-provoking ideas on the subject.

First, let’s look at some of the other reasons.

Number one. It feels good. Most of us found out at puberty or even before that rubbing certain parts of our anatomy felt GOOD! Many of us found out at some point that having someone else rub that part of our anatomy felt even BETTER. And, according to our survey, the 82% of our audience that had had sex, discovered that rubbing those parts of our anatomy together felt BEST.

Number two. It relieves stress, depression, and boosts moods.

Number three. Sexual curiosity. I want to know what it’s like. And that answer, while it came from many of the virgins, also came from people who had a specific object of their desires with whom they wanted to know what sex would be like.