Chapter 2

Why is it that even the simple, easy, no-brainer kind of things seems to take the longest time and more energy to do than they should? Ever go to the bank and try to get cash from your account. Ms. Tight Fist Tootsie was that unwelcome type of a teller. Remember, I told you already about my luck, except for that one time She smiled on me, or that I was not Irish, well double that bad luck in Spades for me this trip.

I just knew it was going to be one of those days too, knew it. After the twenty-seventh time she checked the balance on my account, she was turning that many shades of red and muttering, “This can’t be right.”

Two uniformed guards came up behind me. She had hit her alarm or called the ‘Gestapo’ on me.

“Sir, come with us. There seems to be a problem with your account. We want to know how you were able to ‘hack’ into our system and we will...”

About that time Bill, the manager came out of his office, walked up to me and said. “Smart move getting guards, I hope you’re leaving a little something in your account, today. You are one of our largest depositors.”

“Well, Bill ... that and ten cents might get me a cup of coffee. Your ‘Bully Boys’ here, and Ms. Prim and Proper, don’t seem to like for me to get any of my money!”

I now had four people with their mouth’s open but for different reasons. I took back the check I was trying to cash thirty-four minutes ago, and walked down the street to another bank. Somewhere in the background was a sputtering sound; stuttering was more like it. The money had been deposited into my account days earlier. I had spoken to Bill beforehand, explained what was to happen, got the routing number and today saw the results of that effort.

George Mason at Homestead Savings and Loan saw me after a twenty minute wait. I was a little hot under the collar if my tee shirt had a collar. I probably should have been more patient with Mr. Mason but I got really pissed off when he just wouldn’t stop laughing at me. ‘What to do, what to do?’ I thought. We were not a big town so maybe I needed the big city bank. I called Jane Seymour, my new lawyer.

“Jane, I have a problem. Care to earn some of that ‘huge retainer’ you forced me to pay you?”

“Ahh. Is the Widdle Boy having a Widdle Pwobwum?”

“You might say that. You might not say it that way, I would say it’s a big problem and not the way you said it, although it does sort of sound ‘sexy’, Sexy.” Jane and I had been friends since 3rd grade. “The money transferred in, fine. Its just ‘trying’ to get some cash out where I seem to ‘fail’! Either I had people trying to slap the shit out of me for ‘hacking’ their bank, or they can’t stop laughing long enough to do anything for me. Help!”

“Did you do what I advised?”

“Yup.”

“Call ahead for them to have cash ready?”

Nope, I figured a bank ought to have a hundred and fifty dollars lying around somewhere.”

“You can’t get a hundred and fifty in cash?”

“Nope, not yet, I started an hour ago, at two other banks. I need a bigger, better bank so I called my lawyer, who charges me the ‘big bucks’ to help me out.”

“I’ll make a call. Can you go to the Mellon Trust Bank on 6th Ave.?”

“What bus goes there from here? Do you know?”

“Men! Where are you now?”

“I’m at the Kersey’s Hardware store at a pay phone.”

“Meet me at Millie’s Diner, I’ll take you there. Just want you to know that $1 retainer is sure getting used up fast, I may have to charge you $2 for all this personal service.”

“Jane, I just wish I had met a girl like you sooner!”

“Jack, you’ve known me for more than a dozen years!”

“Yeah! But does anyone REALLY ever know a body? Huh?”

“Your sick, but I love you anyway. Get me a coffee. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. I have to let my secretary know about this change in my schedule.”

“Jane, your Mom does not count as a secretary! You work from home.”

“Well, I need to powder my nose and change clothes so I can charge you more and afford a place.”

“Jane, this getting a couple of bucks is not what it’s cracked up to be.”

“Ahh, Ace, what you have, Dear Boy, is more than a ‘couple of bucks.’ Mama Jane is going to have to teach you how to act like an asshole, so people start fawning over you for your ‘couple of bucks.’ Let me go, time is money and your using up that huge one dollar retainer, now. Bye.”

As I was walking over to the diner, I had a few things to think over.

About my third cup, Jane walked up and sat down. “Wow. You going to see the Queen of England later or what?” I asked.

“Oh, this old thing, I just wore it so I could charge you more.”

“Things going that well for you. Huh?”

“Hell! Women lawyers are in about as much demand as seeing the dentist, or getting the Flu. Don’t worry, with what I’ll make from you for this, Mama and I can afford beans and franks tomorrow.”

We had our cold coffee, and I kept thinking.

We went to the bank in her car. At least, I think it was a car, but I could not quite see clearly through all the blue smoke cloud. She stopped, raised the hood, and was soon back. She simply said, ‘oil’, as though I should understand.

“Ahh, Jane, why are we stopping here?”

“Ahh, Jack, you need better clothes for this meeting.”

“Why, these are clean jeans and this tee is fairly new, not even ripped?”

“Trust me. The man we will be meeting sort of is used to dealing with, shall we say, ‘older’ and better-dressed types than what you have on. Listen to Mama Jane, you’re going to like the way I dress you today.”

“You don’t mean... ?”

“Yep! Suit, white shirt, tie, and real leather shoes. Socks, too, probably. We are not close enough ‘friends’, yet, for me to check out your underwear!”

“Jane! You Devil you!”

“Hey, you’re a ‘paying client’ right? Got to ‘take care’ of you.”

‘I got to take care of you too. Janie, ‘ I thought. ‘I don’t have that many other real friends.’

She did dress me up proper. Paid for everything on her credit cards saying I could write her a check or get cash at my new bank to repay her.

Mr. James Peabody ended up kissing and hugging a pink faced ‘Janie’, as he called her too.

“Uncle Jim, I want you to help my client with some financial stuff, okay?”

“Janie, like I could ever refuse you or my sister anything. What do you need done?”

I never saw him even get up from his desk. Checks, savings, debit, credit, investment account info, forms for an IRA account ... they all somewhat magically appeared from his staff. I guess having a ‘couple of bucks’ did get you better treatment at a bigger bank. I signed one check from the old bank, and Voila! While he was having a transfer made I ended up signing what seemed like 12,000 forms, or so it seemed. In less than thirty minutes he said we were all done. Then he handed me a folder full of checks and papers.

“Do I get a free toaster or a savings bank thing, too?” I asked.

“Jack! Forgive him, Uncle Jim. I only take him out in public once in a while, he is still in training.”

Her uncle and I laughed, but from the look on her face, I think she was serious.

“Mr. Peabody. This is such a nice looking building, can anybody lease space here?”

“We have the three top floors set aside for just that. We are trying to have those businesses that we do work with, nearby. As one of our VIP customers, the bank can offer you a special rate on space, what did you have in mind?”

We all went up to the top floor and looked around. In a few of the areas, I saw Jane’s eyes light up then turn a bit into a tear or two.

“Mr. Peabody!” “Jim,” he corrected.

“Jim, could I think about which areas would be right. I’d like to have a few moments with my lawyer, too, if I could use one of these?” pointing around to the office we were now in.

“No problem. Meet me in my office. That money should be transferred by now, and if not I’ll advance you some cash from your deposit.”

“Yep, Jane, I guess clothes do make the man!”

“No Hon, million dollar accounts do.”

“Jane, I need some help. Can I hire you for real money to take care of a bunch of things for me, legal and financial things?”

“If you think you can squeeze me in, do you still have those two blond bookends latched onto you and yet room for one more slave? What are your slaves, now ... all of thirteen, fourteen-years old?”

“They’ll be sixteen, soon. Yeah, they are part of why I need your help. By the way, which of these offices do you like?”

“Hell, Jack, either of the two that overlook the lake are like, Wow, fit for any CEO even. Why?”

“Just wondered, they sure are nice. I also want to do something nice for those two bookends, as you call them ... for their Mom, too. What can I easily do that’s a nice gift?”

“You can give them $10,000 a year tax free for one thing. Any more would be taxed, but you can gift them anything you want to.”

“As your now on my payroll as of today, is this something you can do for me?”

“Well, gee, let’s see, mighty hard to write some checks but I think I can do that?

“Good. I need you to take care of my bills, too, and invest some of this money for me and set up Charlie, Sam, their Mom, you and your Mom to get $10,000 a year as gifts from me. Let’s go see your Uncle and get the business account set up. You on it to write checks and pay my personal bills from another account.”

Jim saw us right away, no waiting. I guess money is really ‘RHIP’ in a big bank. He handed me an envelope and a paper saying, “Sign this”.

“Jim we need two more accounts. I don’t know the name to use, yet; but one is for business, and one for my personal expenses that either Jane or I can sign. She also needs to be able to make investments for me say three or four million to start. Could you also set like three to four hundred thousand in the other one for us to use. We’ll take the two top floor office areas that overlook the lake, and the two next to them for Jane’s Mom and someone else to use as well. Can we get phones hooked up, so we can all answer any line? What about an intercom? Should we each should have our own numbers?”

“I’ll get that ready for your signatures. Is a five-year lease on the space okay?”

“Should be, I’ll have my people (Jane) get with your people next week for the name thing,” I said with a laugh. Jane had her mouth open. We got the new accounts signed, sealed, and almost delivered, but for a business name. Jim set it up as a DBA, for now. We needed something called a resolution to add a business name.

“I get the big office, you get the other. Ha, ha, ha,” I told Jane.

“You nut! You don’t even know what all this is going to cost!”

“That’s why I now have you. ‘J & J Investments’ sounds good for a name, what do you think?”

“You’re Crazy!”

“Hey it’s your fault, you told me to act like this. I’m just following Mama Jane’s orders. Now, we need to get to a dealer for a car I can see, then more clothes shopping for both of us. I guess at least two more pair of jeans for me.”

We got to her car.

“Damn, I should have had him stamp the ticket for free parking?”

I handed her the envelope of cash Jim had given me.