Chapter 39

I opened my eyes.

“What?”

“We never actually broke up,” she repeated. I looked down at her.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

She rolled her eyes at me.

“For someone who teaches at a university, you’re pretty dumb,” she said.

“Yeah, well for someone who speaks two languages, you’re pretty rubbish at communicating.”

“Eigentlich spreche ich mittlerweile drei Sprachen.”

“Toll! Ich kann dich immer noch nicht verstehen.”

“Touché.”

“Well, that would be four languages there. So, you’re rubbish at maths too,” I replied with a small smile. “I understand what you said. What do you mean by that?”

“I mean ... shit, I don’t know,” she frowned.

“That makes two of us then.”

“Shut up!” Nao smiled in spite of herself. “I’m ... I’m trying to ... oh God ... I don’t know. You were talking about how we would have ... broken up and it made me feel so ... so...” she trailed off, took a deep shuddering breath, and then burst into tears.

Now I’m an idiot when it comes to women. But I have learned the hard way that I am not the most emotionally intelligent person on the planet, so I said nothing. I just held my ex-high-school-girlfriend while she shook with wracking sobs and bawled her eyes out.

After a time, Nao calmed down. Relatively speaking. She was still crying, but she’d de-escalated from heaving wails to muted whimpers. I still held her. She twisted and turned her body. Under the hoodie we shared, I felt her hand come around and grip my side. I brought my hand up and tentatively patted her on the shoulder. I still said nothing.

“I’m sorry. I’m such a fucking mess,” she sniffed. I didn’t answer. I just gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Nobody understands the pressure - the expectation,” she continued in a near whisper. She took a deep breath. “I have no friends,” she said to my chest. “My mum and dad know what I do but they don’t actually get it. I took this job because I needed away from all that. And then you were here. And Tim told me how good you were, and I was lucky to be working with someone so capable and ... I can get results with the kids now, but I go back to my apartment at the end of the day and wonder how much longer it’ll be before people figure out that I have no idea what I’m really doing, and I get fired.” She drew a halting shuddering breath and closed her eyes. “I can’t even do this right. Locked down with the only boy I ever loved, and I end up taking him on the express train to crazy town with me.” She choked out another strangled cry and then broke down again.

I let her cry. I felt like whatever I said would be insufficient. My heart ached for her in her despair. So, I just held her to me while she came apart. Gradually her sobbing subsided again.

“Nao...” I ventured.

“Yeah?” she croaked.

“Are you okay?”

She snorted–a kind of bitter half laugh.

“Not really.”

“That’s okay. I don’t think anybody is.”

She didn’t say anything. I continued.

“You’re lucky, you know? You still have the pool. I had that taken from me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m done,” I sighed. “Obviously I’ll never swim competitively again. Hell,” I grinned wryly. “I couldn’t even beat you tonight. But you–you are amazing. I know you’re gonna blow people out of the water again.”

She began to cry again.

“That’s just it. I don’t want to,” she sobbed. I blinked.

“Okay,” I said. “Then don’t.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

She pulled her arm away and sat up, turning around to look at me.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Why?” I repeated. “Nobody has a gun to your head. You don’t have to keep swimming competitively. Retire.”

“Why?”

I chuckled softly.

“Listen to yourself. You don’t want to swim. So, don’t. What are you trying to prove? You’ve already got more medals than me and set world records that are going to be hard to beat.”

She pursed her lips and looked away.

“I’m serious, Nao. I had to come to terms with the limitations of my own body. It wasn’t my choice. But you ... at least you can make your own decision. Who are you worried about disappointing? Your parents won’t care. Unless they’ve changed since I last saw them. Fans? If they’re your legitimate supporters, they’ll understand any reason you give. Or they’re not really your fans. And,” I took a deep breath and continued, “you won’t disappoint me. Ever. Unless you leave me again without a proper goodbye.”

She looked at me, her eyes wet with tears.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she moaned, burying her face in her hands.

“Me either,” I shrugged. “I can refer you to my shrink if you want. She’s really annoying but she’s always right. You actually have a lot in common, in that regard.” Nao pulled her hands away from her face and scowled at me. “That was a compliment,” I placated.

“Backhanded compliment,” she grumbled. I shrugged again. Nao shivered. I held out my arms to her.

“Come here. It’s still freezing.” This time, Nao curled up in my lap with her head against my shoulder. I gathered in the front of the hoodie and wrapped my arms around her. She snuggled in against me and I felt her beginning to warm up. “You know,” I began hesitantly. “If you’re serious in saying that we never broke up, then I have something to confess...”

“What’s that?” she asked in a small voice, her hand against my chest.

“I kind of cheated on you.”

Silence.

“I know,” she said.

“Huh?”

“You were banging some diver at your university,” she said. “Derek told me. I guess he was trying to make me jealous.”

“Uh, okay,” I said, perturbed. Nao sounded quite nonchalant about it. “Well, I’m sorry anyways.”