Chapter 36

When the bandages came off his left hand, the x-ray showed that the ring and little fingers needed strapping for a few more weeks, though the index and middle fingers and the thumb were at last free.

The orthopaedic consultant examined the two fingers to be strapped.

"You will need some physiotherapy before we know whether you'll get back full use," he said "but the thumb and first two fingers are good as new."

The right hand was also x-rayed and the bones were pronounced nearly healed. "You have healed quickly. Another two weeks and we'll have a look at your right hand."

An appointment was made for Friday 1st October, and they were on their way home.

Ged was quiet on the journey back, and Cassie kept flashing worried glances at him. He was once again brought face to face with the state of his right hand, and with a worry that his left hand would not heal perfectly. He noticed her looks and sought to lighten the atmosphere.

"I bet you'll miss wiping my bottom, won't you?" he joked as they waited at some traffic lights...

"I'll miss holding your cock while you piss," she answered with a grin. "I suppose now you're capable again, you'll want me out of your house." It was said humorously but there was an undertow that Ged noticed.

She drove up the drive and parked. Once they were inside, he turned her towards him.

"That was a joke, right?" he said with a worried frown. "We're together now, aren't we?"

A look of relief flooded her face, then another emotion he couldn't read. She sighed.

"Are we?" she asked seriously.

"I thought that was obvious?" he said, puzzled.

"I said that I'd come and help you until you could cope," she said. "So it isn't obvious."

"But we're making love, don't you want to stay?"

"Ged it's not my call. It's your house, I'm a visitor."

He couldn't understand why she was being evasive. Did she want to leave now she'd experienced living with him?

"Cassie, I don't understand. We've been together for weeks, we've shared a bed since day one, and we've made love in it since day two. I want you; I've always wanted you. Why was I in turmoil because you were with Zak if I didn't want you? Are you saying you want to leave?"

"Say it Ged. Say what you want from me."

"I want you to stay with me, not just while my hand's in plaster. I want you to stay for good, as we always planned. Please, Cassie, will you stay?"

She stood silent her face betraying worry about something he could not understand. He had no option but to wait. At length she spoke.

"Ged, there's something warning me about this. I don't know what it means. You seem completely certain that everything is fine between us now and nothing need come between us ever again. I'd love to be as certain, I want to be that certain."

His face fell as he feared she really wanted to go, but she was hastening on.

"No, don't look like that Ged. There's nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much and always have. But there's something not quite right, and I don't know what it is. I just have this feeling that if I commit totally there will be tears and something worse than what we've already been through."

"So you're going to move out? Finish us?"

"No!' she reacted strongly. "If you want me to stay with you, I will. I really do want to. I've never been as happy as I have been over the past few weeks. All I'm saying is that until I can feel free to make this permanent..."

"We stay together, but remaining free to leave, you mean?"

"We stay until this feeling in me is put to rest. I think time will sort it out. I think the feeling is that there may come a moment when you want me to go, not that I will want to go, do you understand?"

"I can't see how that can be," he said, despondently, "but–"

"All I'm asking is that we carry on as we have been over the past weeks until I'm certain. That's all."

At this he smiled sadly. "OK, I can live with that. Nothing will change because now I can largely see to myself. You're going to stay with me. That's all that matters."

"Yes, and I want to stay with you. Really."

"C'mere!" he growled, pulling her to him and for the first time since he left for the tour she felt his hand and his fingers caressing her back as they hugged. She moaned with pleasure.

With elation he moved his liberated left hand up her side and moving apart, held her breast and pinched her nipple through the shirt she was wearing using his thumb and two fingers.

She giggled, then sighed. "It's been a long time," she whispered, "but worth it!"

Life for them settled into a rhythm of walking, music, resting and receiving visitors. Ged took Cassie with him whenever he visited his mother, and the two women quickly regained the friendship they'd had before the tour.

Cassie was by now working three hours a day editing various kinds of literature for her publishing house. She was highly valued and took on a steady stream of work. She could have taken more, but wanted to be there for Ged: his right hand being in plaster meant he still needed help.

Ged said she didn't need to work any more: he had more than enough to keep them for the rest of their lives, but she said she wanted to work, and he wondered if this was part of her reluctance to commit to him fully.

On the first of October the plaster came off his right hand, and it was not good news.

It was immediately obvious that the hand was badly disabled, though exactly how much movement could be regained would await physiotherapy. The left hand was now almost fully functional now the strapping was off, though Ged was finding life difficult, being right handed.

Ged went private for the the physio and signed on for treatment every other day on Cassie's urging, with more exercises to do at home.

"I can tell," he said gruffly looking at his right hand as she drove him home. "I'll never be able to play again."

"Please Ged," she begged, "don't lose heart. You don't know how much--"

"Cassie," he snapped, "it's my hand, I can tell, it's demic, I mean – look at it!"

"Please wait Ged, my love. It's been immobile for a long time, even if it looks wrong, you won't know how much use you'll get till you've got the muscle strength back."

"It's never going to be as good as new."

"OK, I agree, but you may be able to do a lot more than you think with it, Don't lose heart, not yet."

He realised that she wouldn't ever lie to make him feel better, and loved her for it, but it did not lift the cloud that was beginning to settle over him.

Cassie noticed. "Ged, promise me you'll go through all the physio. at home as well as at the hospital."

He shrugged. "OK. I'll do all the pain, but I don't hope for very much gain."

He looked over at her as the car came to a stop outside the front door of the house and saw the tears coursing down her cheeks.

"Cassie? What's the matter?" He put his arm round her and pulled her against him using his arm and wrist.

"Your beautiful hands," she wept. "I'm so sorry, but we'll see this through my darling, won't we?"

He felt her love for him in her tears, and he felt better. They entered the house with his arm around her, but once inside she dragged him up to the bedroom and stripped off her clothes rapidly, before helping him out of his own. Then she pushed him onto his back, straddled him and took his right hand in hers. She kissed each finger fervently, lightly.

"Ged, we can get through this," she said, looking into his eyes. "Together we can beat this."

He smiled at her optimism which deep down he could not share, and she felt relief at that stiff smile. It was not only his smile either, his cock was stiff and erect, and she put him to her and sank down. He grunted with the sensation of her clasping length. Then she lay forward and kissed him, arching her back to move a little, in and out. Wordless sounds escaped them both as the intense snug feelings of his penetration of her overcame them.

He was lost in the feelings she was giving him, and emotionally buoyed up by her demonstration of love and support.

As they lay together afterwards he felt better. He found he could move his right index finger and thumb, but there was no strength there. Still it encouraged him, he smiled and Cassie breathed a sigh of relief. He saw her optimistic smiling face and it cheered him.

That Friday they performed with the group and she made love that night with Ged on top, resting his weight on his hands. There was no pain and it felt good to be able to do it at all, let alone succeed in giving her pleasure that way.

His cheerfulness did not last.

He was as good as his word to Cassie and worked intensively on his hand according to the rules the physiotherapist laid down. The painful treatment at hospital progressed and it became clearer and clearer that Ged would be eventually be able to use his thumb and index finger almost normally but there would never be real strength there and the index finger would never bend fully. The middle finger gained strength but again movement was restricted. His ring finger and little finger hardly responded at all.

As the reality of his disability became clearer, his despondency deepened. At first he tried to pretend all was well, but the effort was noticeable and began to falter. Over the darkening weeks of October, Cassie couldn't help but notice his deterioration in mood, but she kept pushing him until he began to snap at her to stop nagging him.

After a fortnight of torture it was obvious that no further progress was being made -- the physiotherapist admitted as much -- and Ged told Cassie he'd abandoned the treatment. She knew he was right, and the hand would not improve any further, but urged him to keep up with the exercises at home to hold on to what progress had been made.

Over the following four weeks he spiralled into deep depression.

He felt aimless and hopeless, and initially it was only Cassie's pretty face and constant smile whenever he caught her eye that kept him doing what she wanted. Yes, ok, he would go for a daily long brisk walk; yes, ok, he would exercise his fingers; he would do his accounts; he would eat all his meals even when he had no appetite.

Towards the end of that first week, her cajoling gradually began to feel too much, and her urging began to annoy him. He found he could not get to sleep even after they had made love. As a result he slept in most mornings, and Cassie, who had been kept awake by his tossing and turning, let him sleep but felt worn out herself. He felt groggy when he awoke and dreaded her return to the bedroom with her bright face and impending nagging.

However, Cassie managed to get him out for one occasion. On Thursday 28th October, Graham rang to tell her that six weeks and one day had passed and she could now apply for the Decree Absolute, and that, by the way, Zak had relinquished all claims on her provided she did the same. She was delighted.

"Come with me to see Graham?" she begged so earnestly that he agreed. He saw her sign the application and watched Graham seal it in the envelope.

"How's the civil action going?" Ged asked.

"The case comes up in January," said Graham. "About the same time as the criminal trial. If Zak's got any sense he'll plead guilty and get a reduced sentence, so you won't have to give evidence. However, knowing him, he'll stick it out and get sent down for years."

Clare looked sad.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Ged, getting annoyed as he thought she still had feelings for the man.

"No, I know what you're thinking. It's not that. I have no feelings for him at all other than dislike and disgust. It's just a shame that he's caused so much suffering to you Ged and to me, and now to himself. For what gain? Who wins here?"

The two men were silenced, and each admired her compassion and insight.

"No one wins," Graham said. "You're quite right. Even the country suffers, we all now have to spend money keeping him in gaol for years. All Ged's fans suffer if he's not able to perform for them any more. Very sad. Very sad."

They left, on this occasion both feeling dull and miserable.

The first strong symptom that all was not well, came a day later when he told her she needn't shave him any more, he would let his beard grow. She shrugged and ceased helping him at all in the bathroom.

On the Sunday Viv phoned at check he was coming to practice on the Tuesday, and Cassie herd him tell her he wasn't gong to go any more, either to practice or to the pub on Friday. Then he put the phone down.

Cassie tried to persuade him otherwise but he became annoyed, and so she did not push him. However, she told him she would be going to the practices and the Friday nights. He felt jealous then, as if she were taking over from him and it added to his sense of worthlessness. He sulked.

Over that first week he had also shut Gus down when he rang. Gus had learned not to suggest he compose some new songs, but this time Ged told him that that part of his life was finished. He told Gus that the Frobishers could do what they liked with his existing 'stuff', but there would be no new material or arrangements coming from him. The Frobishers called him but his attitude was aggressive and negative and they gave up ringing after that.

As the days went by, he gradually cut off communication with their friends, though Cassie kept up with them. He seldom spoke to Cheryl or Bob, simply handing the phone to Cassie if they rang. Karin phoned from time to time, and he lied that he was fine, but dodged any invitations to go out for dinner or drinks.

Then he became aimless and reluctant to get out of bed in the mornings. Cassie was consistent in her indefatigable efforts to keep his spirits up, or at least stop them sinking any further. One thing she always managed to do was to seduce him to make love to her, though it became clear to her that he was not making love any more, but merely having sex. He was mechanical and, she felt, distant. It upset her, but she did not let it show.

In spite of his gradual withdrawal from her, she kept up her efforts to keep him from abject despair. She chivvied him into action each morning, kissed him and urged him out of bed. She excelled herself in making new and exciting dishes for him to eat, and she was encouraged that he did eat what she set before him. She cajoled him into going with her shopping and out for walks, which he did because at some level he knew she loved him and wanted what was best for him. However, it daily became more and more difficult.

By the end of the second week, the walks came to an end. They had returned from a short walk. The darkness of a damp and dreary November had not helped his spirits. When they returned he walked past her into the living room, where he sank into his chair and for once spoke to her without her request for an answer.

"Well, that's it." He looked at his hands, then folded them into his lap. "Cassie, they'll never get better. I'm finished as a musician." He paused and sighed deeply. "In fact I'm finished as a man. There's no point in going on. What's left? Going for fucking walks. No more."

He closed his eyes and went to sleep, and she left him to go and make lunch. As she put together the ingredients for cheese on toast with a poached egg, which he always ate, she felt real fear. He had never given up so radically, never implied he wanted to die. Furthermore, he never said things purely for effect, purely to get a supportive reaction or get some pity. She worried he meant it.

An hour later she woke him.

"Come on, my darling," she said taking his beaten hands and pulling him to his feet. "Time for lunch."

"Cassie, I don't feel like eating anything."

"It's cheese on toast with a poached egg," she said imploring him, "your favourite. Come on eat it for me."

That time he did as she asked, but he sat in his chair doing nothing except sleep from time to time for the rest of the day. Then took himself off to bed without telling her.

Next morning she found he had an erection and took him in her mouth to awake him. He pushed her away.

"For God's sake, Cassie, leave me alone. Stop fussing over me."

Deeply hurt, she left the bed and he remained there until midday, when he got up, showered and dressed. He went downstairs and sat in his easy chair in the living room. Once again there were heavy clouds and the day was dark. It did not help. He was sad enough without suffering SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Cassie realised this depression was serious, and called the doctor the following Monday.

Ged had not risen for the day when the doctor arrived. She showed him into the bedroom and left them to it. She could hear raised voices, then a quieter conversation. Finally the doctor emerged.

"You're quite right, he's severely depressed," he said. "I've prescribed some anti-depressants which he's promised to take."

She took Ged's car and did some shopping while waiting for the prescription to be made up. When she returned he was still in bed. She took a pill and a glass of water to him in bed, woke him and presented them to him.

"These are the pills the doctor prescribed," she said. "They're anti-depressants. They may help you to feel better."

"Oh." That was all. He did not try to take them from her.

She laid the pill on his bedside table with the tumbler of water, and left in tears.