Chapter 29

The first impulse Ged felt was to leave his house for somewhere else – anywhere else. Then he realised it was what he always did when there was a setback in his life concerning Cassie, and with characteristic obstinacy, he decided against it. He would stay. He rather took it to extremes. Indeed he stayed in the house or the grounds, seeing no one but Gwen his housekeeper, and answering no phone messages, of which there were mercifully few.

He didn't even go to see his mother, though he spoke on the phone to her weekly. She not being one to complain, was satisfied with that. She phoned Cheryl and got the whole story – the one Ged never told her. She wondered what to do, so she did and said nothing, waiting for the right moment. She was a wise woman.

For a whole month, Ged buried himself in his music, spending all day in this studio and emerging only for meals, writing songs and some instrumental music, and writing poetry which he put to music.

He went for solitary walks, striding briskly out and walking for an hour each day when the weather was fine. When it was wet, he punished himself in his gym. Every day he swam twenty lengths of his pool.

The only direct human contact was when he did a weekly shop. There were the regular visits by Gwen Davies, his part-time housekeeper and cleaner, and by John Stubbs whom he helped in the gardens by way of further exercise. Gwen sensed his mood and restricted her conversation to practical matters, while John was by nature taciturn and Ged appreciated that.

The only phone calls to which he replied were from Gus and Graham, and were purely business related, Gus dealing with requests for songs, and finding singers who would want the songs Ged sent him, or copyright issues. Graham kept him in touch with the action against Zak.

The exception was the collection of poems that Cassie had written and Catherine had put together, which he wove into a song cycle, on completion of which he asked Gus to find out if Cassie would give permission for publication, and if so, to arrange copyright and royalties to be paid to her for any sales or performance. He received her acceptance, but asked nothing about her when Gus gave him the news.

All other attempts to contact him were ignored. He kept his answer-phone connected, but deleted all calls without listening to them, but the two. He did not answer the door except to the postman or other deliveries of which there were few.

Emotionally his feelings varied from numbness to distress and loss, but along with that there was a nameless ache. It informed what he wrote. Some songs were aggressively dismissive, others plaintiff, still others embracing a new start without one's love. Looking back, he recognised it as one of the most productive times of his life.

Towards the end of his exile, he noted increasingly frequent attempts by Viv to contact him, but he ignored them until Gus cornered him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Ged?" he grumbled. "Viv needs to talk with you. Hasn't your sulk gone on long enough? Phone her!"

He did and she invited him to the Cambridge Folk Festival at which the group were singing.

"Ged, you've been a hermit for long enough; we miss you. Come and sing with your friends. Bring your guitar and your keyboard."

Her voice seemed to awaken him, and he felt an attraction to the idea of performing again, so he agreed. The group, called Vivienne's Friends, came to him in his house and they practised there, putting together a set for the festival. It took four weeks to get it right.

The group must have been warned by Gus about Ged's frame of mind, if not by his latest songs, and kept well clear of the topic of Cassie. He waited for the questions but they never came, and in relief he did not vouchsafe any information. Indeed he had none.

The festival appearance was a great success, with the group doing a number of the pieces they had recorded for the album, which was due for release a few weeks away. Ged sang some of his own songs which he had written while in self-imposed exile.

The performances lifted his spirits for a short while, but his previous depression soon returned. He noticed Viv glancing at him with a look of concern from time to time, though she said nothing, but after the festival she invited him to join them at a gig in London.

"Please, Ged!" she begged.

"I don't know," he said, his whole demeanour showing his depression and apathy.

"Ged," she said patiently, "We're your friends. We're your friends from way back. Don't become a bitter recluse. Join the human race again, won't you?" She smiled lovingly at him, and he melted a little.

"OK, OK," he sighed. "For you Viv. Only for you." But his smile gave him away.

She hugged him and he hugged her back. They looked at each other and smiled again, and Viv's face showed relief. He appreciated her concern and her love for him, but as before, nothing was said on either side.

The gig went well, and somehow it got about in advance that Ged Smith was going to be performing with Viv's group. The set they would perform had been extended and this went down well with the crowd.

Now because of his standing and because he joined the group late, Ged had a dressing room to himself near the stage door, and as a result, after the gig, he could hear an argument between a woman and the bouncer at the door.

What made him leave his dressing room he did not know, but as he came to the stage door, he could hear a voice he thought he knew, but the bouncer's large frame obscured her.

"But I know him!" the girl was pleading.

"Yeah, yeah!" he was mocking, "that's what they all say."

"But he was my sister's..."

Ged came round the bouncer, and there was Marie, Cassie's sister, and another girl.

"Marie!" he exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

"Ged!" she cried, "This man won't let me see you!"

The bouncer looked a little uncomfortable.

"He's doing his job," said Ged, smiling at the man. "Fans of the group or the press will try anything to get in. Come in."

"So how did you get here?" asked Ged as they settled into easy chairs in his dressing room.

"I'm visiting Joanna here," she replied, smiling all over her face, and indicating her friend. "She's a big fan of the group and we came to the gig. We didn't know you'd be here until I saw you on the stage."

They talked about the gig and its success. Ged was amused at the look of awe on Joanna's face, and suggested that he take them to meet the group and then go for a meal with them all. It was selfish on his part; he wanted to look at Marie a little longer, it was almost like having Cassie there.