Chapter 17

"Hello Ged."

"Hello Cassie."

She had the wildest dream that when she opened the door he would hold his arms out to her and she would fall into them and from then everything would be all right, but of course it did not happen. He stood there with a neutral expression on his face and waited to be invited in. In fact he had seen the message in her face, but couldn't respond.

She stood back and he entered, waiting for her to lead him to the living room, though he had been to the house many times and knew perfectly well where it was. She indicated the armchair, and he appreciated her delicacy in leaving the sofa to herself, allowing him to keep his distance.

"Let's skip the pleasantries," she said. "They'll only be awkward."

He agreed with a nod.

"So," he said, "Do you want to start?"

"Will you let me talk until I finish?" she asked. "Then I'll do the same for you. After that we can ask questions. Is that OK?"

Again he nodded, and she steeled herself to begin. He saw it.

"You're going to want to interrupt. Please don't," she began.

It was an aggressive start, but she remembered her sleepless night and still felt weary. He had not been the only one to suffer. It was a relief that he seemed quite quiet and relaxed. Perhaps this would go well.

He thought for a moment how strange it was, Cassie and he talking at a distance who had once been so close, but that was the way of it. He prepared to listen and understand.

"First of all, I'm humbly asking your forgiveness for breaking my promise to you not to break up without talking it through with you. I accept the blame totally, and it is because of my foolishness in that regard that we are in this mess now."

He smiled and with a gesture accepted her apology and showed he had let it go. She smiled in gratitude.

"I won't try to excuse my behaviour, but I will talk about it later."

She took a breath, as she thought of her next statement.

"I will not apologise for believing the press, though I promised not to, because I didn't believe them until I saw the emails and extra photos from Wendy, who got them from Amos.

"Wendy had always been a good friend to me, and I fell for the trick Zak and Amos played when they got her to give them to me. Those two knew I would smell a rat if Zak gave them to me. The press reports and the emails agreed, that's why I believed them. I have since read emails between Amos and Zak, and they sicken me."

Another breath and a pause.

"I didn't just believe everything right away either, but I showed what I had to a number of friends, mine and ours, and they all without exception agreed you were guilty. That's what pushed me over the edge, the unanimity and violence of their reaction.

"I can't remember a time I was so angry, or felt so betrayed and let down as I did then by you. Your actions seemed so callous, so casual, and your emails were so hypocritical sighing that you longed to be with me, and how lonely and home-sick you were. All the while you were sleeping with more than one woman."

Ged made to interrupt, but she continued, overriding his attempt.

"Oh, I know it was all groundless now, but I did not know that then. I lost it completely; you should ask Cheryl or Julie what my state of mind was, and the advice they gave me, which I heeded and now wish I hadn't.

"They were telling me to get my own back, and in the middle of this there was Zak, suddenly on the scene, and giving sympathy. He was clever. He never pushed himself forward, just listened."

She took a drink of water from the glass on the table.

"You need to understand how distressed and hopeless I felt. My future was always and completely with you, and now there was none. Zak was there.

"He assured me he had changed, he even lied about that. He said he left the band because he realised that he'd lost me by living their way. He said you had fallen into their ways. Our relationship grew slowly--"

Here Ged let out a snort of derision. "Slowly? Beginning to marriage in eight months!"

"Ged," she snapped, "You said you'd wait."

"Sorry, but--"

"Yes, I know. What I meant is that he took it slowly. Not like the first time with him. It was as if I was in a dream; I just fell in with his plans. He was the best future I could see in the circumstances. I'm sorry, but I was so depressed, I was apathetic.

"Ged, it was a horrid mistake. I hurt you very badly. I admit it and ask your forgiveness. You were hurt, but you've no idea how much I was hurt at the time.

"How d'you think I feel now having been manipulated and used by Zak as a tool for some misguided revenge against you?

"Please, I'm begging you, I love you, you are still my life now I know you were always faithful. I've been faithful too; I have not cheated. I finished with you misguidedly, before going with Zak.

"My mistake was believing so much cleverly presented concerted 'evidence'. You've been with other women since as well. I can live with that. Is there any chance for us?"

She looked at him. He sat still, stony faced. No answer.

"That's it." she said at last, as the silence grew. "I'm telling you I want to start again with you. Any way you want. You were always my life and my future, and you still are. I've said my piece. Your turn."

She could tell from his face, which she could always read, that her plea had failed. She steeled herself for his response.

For his part, Ged, had been expecting something like this. It was not good enough for him. On one level he ached for this beautiful woman. He longed to reach out to her, but that in itself provoked the most intense resentment and anger. He struggled with himself to maintain an even keel.

"I can see how it's quite clear to you. You had a relationship with me. You thought I cheated. You rejected me. You married someone else. It turned out you had been duped. You rejected the man who tricked you. Now you want to go back to your previous lover. Sorry, In my case it doesn't work like that."

He paused, noting she understood clearly what he was saying. He needed to get answers. He thought he would set out his position and then ask questions.

"There are problems with what you say, which you haven't addressed. I have questions, but first I want you to see how it appears to me.

"It concerns two things, and as far as I can see they are linked closely, and they rule out us getting together again.

"You met Zak long before you met me. You were bowled over by him, and you fell in love with him. He was the love of your life and you gave yourself to him totally. He did something for you that no one else ever did.

"Then he cheated. You had done everything in your power to keep him and he cheated. With a blonde, I believe. You dumped him. Completely. Absolutely. Permanently.

"And after a while you found me. You saw my reaction to you, how I fell completely in love with you, but as far as I can understand now, I was a substitute for him. You took me because he had rubbished you. I think after what has happened you always longed for him."

"No that's not--."

"I kept quiet for you. You do the same." He snapped. His tone was cold. She flinched and pressed her lips together.

"What I'm doing here is showing you how it looks to me, and I think this is the real way it is. When I started with that bloody band you were vehemently against them. You gave their moral failings, but -- you never told me you'd been with Zak.

"That's what shows me how you still wanted him. I was second best, but when it seemed I had cheated, you then had chance of a way back to Zak, especially if as you say, he showed he had changed into a faithful partner.

"That's why you dumped me so easily and so completely and didn't want to hear anything I wanted to say in my defence. My defence would get in the way of your return to your first and best love.

"As far as you were concerned, the only two men you really loved both cheated. Did you treat them the same? No. You finished with both, but then you went back to your first. You wouldn't have come back to me, would you?

"The second thing is this. You lapped up his protestations that he had changed. You then took him into my flat – that I was paying for. You took him into our bed.

"That must have erased me from your life completely. I bet the two of you had a real laugh that you were living at my expense! That was vindictive and vengeful. I don't know whether I can ever forgive that.

"Zak was always the number one in your life. He was the one you craved sexually. I bet he had the cock you adored, now you could get him for good.

"And that's the other thing that proves you always really wanted him: you got engaged. You got married, incredibly fast! You didn't even let me know! I had to find out from other people. You've no idea how some of them crowed about it.

"Now you find that the number one in your life was playing you for a fool all along. What will you do? Go back to good old Ged. He might be second best, but if you play on his good nature you might be able to make a life with him. From the size of his house he's making a packet out of his music, he'll be a gravy train for life.