Chapter 1

“Vernon Allen Spencer, get in this kitchen immediately.” Victoria was yelling at her to come to lunch.

“I’m Vanessa. I want to be Vanessa.” My eight-year-old stepbrother was not the most masculine child. In he came, with cutoff short shorts, powder blue Keds, and a cute little pink top. His longish blonde hair made him quite adorable. His mother allowed it. My father allowed it, as if he’d get in the way. Dad wasn’t like that. Live and let live, for the most part, but he’d seen it going on for the four years he’d been dating Victoria, Vanessa’s, or Vernon’s, mother and it didn’t bother him one iota.

In the present, I was twenty-five, just finishing up my PhD in Electronics and Communications Engineering when Vanessa called. She was graduating two years ahead of her peers. Might have something to do with the fact she was the cute geek little sister of a devoted nerd big brother. That was her take on it. I was going to work for Dad as a think tanker, a Research and Development operative, an idea of mine getting enough of his attention to spend a lot of money seeing if I could get it to work. I was keeping my little house downtown, close to the campus, since it was also close to work. I was welcome to go home on weekends and such, though, and generally did. We were a very, very close family.

“Carl, can I come live with you? I’d really rather not be in the dorms, and if I can use your address as my home address, I can live off campus. You know I’ll keep my grades up, don’t you?”

“Are you sure that’s what you want, princess? Are you really sure? You’ve been telling me for years you can’t wait to get me alone. That is what you’d have. Are you really sure that’s where you want to go?”

“You have no idea, Carl. You have been my everything for eight years. Now, in between lit class panic attacks and statistics discomblooberations, I want to be yours and with you. My question for you, is ... Are you ready for that?”

Dropping back about eight years, after a four-year courtship, Dad married Victoria, Vanessa’s mother. Vanessa, who was Vernon when I met her, and I kind of hit it off in a big brother, little sister sort of way. I’d read to her, help her with homework, hold her in my lap watching movies, all that. He transitioned from Vernon to Vanessa in my lap, really, looking back on it. It happened none too slowly. He was always a bit ... No, I’ll be honest ... He was always very effeminate, even as a young four-, five-, and six-year-old child. When it came to a head, and she came into the room announcing she was Vanessa, she and I never thought otherwise after that. I had a chapter in school regarding genders and dysphoria and transgender identity issues and started doing some research. I was the one that called the meeting after Vanessa’s announcement and got the ball rolling. We had a teaching medical school slash hospital close by, and I volunteered my time to help Vanessa out. I got her enrolled in the Dysphoric Pediatrics Research Program at the University, and we never looked back. Dad wound up forking out about fifty grand for this that and the other, not the least of which was gas and snack money for the two of us getting to appointments for Vanessa, but the largest part was for a couple of surgeries that Vanessa wanted and were allowed, around the age of twelve.

That was rough. To know how bad she wanted the surgeries, and to know how badly she hurt afterwards, but it bonded us, as well. She spent the better part of a month in my arms, both of us doing our school work together, me holding her, helping her through the pain.

Normally, the surgeries in question would not be conducted on a child that age, and probably won’t be in ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine percent of cases, but the doctors, both medical and psychiatric, felt Vanessa’s case was that one out of all those that would not backfire, and would allow feedback as to the outcome of the treatments, chemical and surgical, for future research.

The medications started around the time she turned ten, after two long years of appointments, meetings, evaluations, and her being the best little sister I could hope for.

Bottom line: My father and I, with her mother’s loving help, and the assistance and professional guidance of a lot of wonderful people, gave Vanessa the life she begged for after just turning eight years old.

Back to the present, just after her sixteenth birthday party.

“The emeralds are beautiful, Carl. I couldn’t be happier. Anyway, will you at least consider it? We have all summer, then when I start up at the university I’d love to be there with you, if you’ll have me.”

“Yes, pumpkin. Yes, you can stay here with me. Your mother is going to go bat shit crazy. She knows how you feel about me, and this isn’t going to calm her nerves one little bit.”

“That’s funny, Carl. She said the same thing! She did admit, though, that if I could convince you someday to kiss me like your actual girlfriend, we could take an accidental pregnancy off the table.” She giggled over the phone. So cute. “Carl, she knows I love you and want you in my life. She knows you probably feel the same. She’s been watching you and me for eight years. She told me last night, she’s never seen two people closer in her whole life. She was joking with Dad and me that you and I were closer than they were. Your father agreed. Then he got a cheeky grin, went to her, kissed her, and said just loud enough for me to hear, ‘We need to work on that, doll’. O M G! How embarrassing to hear that! I blushed crazy red, but not half as red as Mom. We all laughed about it, though. Carl, please know you have been my guy forever, and that always will be the case.”

“Vanny, we’ll talk, OK? Just like we always have. You want to live with me over the summer, or stay home with the pool?”

“Both. I have no intention of giving this place up. I’d like to come over for a while tonight, if it’s OK. How about if I stop for fixin’s and make you dinner tonight? You don’t have a date or anything do you?”

“I do now. My cute little sister is making me dinner. Come on over, doll. We should probably have that discussion now. The one I told you two years ago we needed to wait for?”

“I remember. I remember it well. I was so embarrassed asking you to make love to me and show me how to make you happy and you told me, so gently, that it wasn’t time yet. You didn’t say no. You didn’t rain on my picnic. You told me we needed to wait. Yes, Carl, yet another reason I fell in love with you.”

“Well, it’s still a bit early, I think, but we can talk now if you want.”

“I want.”

“OK, sweetie. Come on over, I’m just finishing up a paper to turn in. Not much different in the twentieth grade as it is in the twelfth, lemme tell ya.” She giggled.

“See you in a bit. Carl ... Carl, I love you.”

“I love you, too, Vanny. See you when you get here.” I do love that little sprite. As soon as the phone call ended, my mind went back to when she was ten. I was nineteen.

“Carl, can I be your girlfriend?” She was in her little satin shorty pajamas, curled up against me on the sofa. She was a cute little munchkin. The regimen of drugs and hormones had already started.

“Yes, Vanessa, of course. You already are. Don’t I take you to the movies and shopping and all the things boyfriends do?”

“Then kiss me like you’re my boyfriend. Like Mommy kisses your daddy.”

“Vanny, you’re a little young for that kind of boyfriend, you’re only ten, but I kiss you goodnight and goodbye all the time.”

“Carl, you’re going to kiss me like my boyfriend one of these days. I love you.”

I pulled her to me and kissed her forehead, her nose, then her lips. “Vanessa, I love you, too. I don’t doubt that will happen the way you want it to. I don’t doubt it at all. Goodnight, sweet baby.” She laid her hand on my cheek and with her other hand just softly held my ear lobe between her thumb and finger. It was such an intimate act, yet so innocent. She kissed me, then turned and padded off to her room to sleep. At the time I remember thinking. ‘I don’t doubt her. I can’t. It’s eminently plausible.’

Back to work on my paper, I was at it for about an hour when I heard her come in the back door. The big garage was added on as an attachment to the back of the house, entering from the alley, and she had a controller for it. I heard some things being set down, then she popped in.

“On the way over, I stopped in Dierberg’s for dinner stuff. You’ll never believe what went through my mind in there while I was picking up the sausage. Remember when I was about ten and asked you to be my boyfriend. That kiss. I’ll never forget that kiss.”

“Come over here, sweetie.” She came over to me. With my hands on her sides at her waist, she bent a bit. I kissed her forehead, her nose, then her lips.

“You remembered.”

“While you were on the way over, doll. I just did. I’ll bet we were thinking about it at the same time. We probably do have a connection or something, Vanessa. You’ve always said we did.”

“I still think so. I love you. Do your homework, young man. I’m making us spaghetti. If you already have parmesan, you have lots now. I couldn’t remember. Sausage on the side or sliced in?”

“Surprise me, sweetheart. Either will be fine.” She reached out, rubbed my neck, kissed my forehead and walked out.

An hour later, she came in to get me. “Carl, dinner’s ready.” She held her hand out. “Have you thought about us much today? You said I could stay with you, but you know, my real question is ... In what capacity? You know I love you. I’ve told you a million times. You know I’m IN love with you. I’ve told you that a thousand times. I know what you’ve said, both to me and to our parents. I guess I just want to hear if from you.”

“You’re absolutely sure you want to hear it, huh?” She smiled at me and nodded. “Wait here.” I went back into my bedroom, into my top dresser drawer, got the little box, then back to the kitchen where we were eating. I dropped to one knee, flipped the top of the box open showing her the contents and asked her, “Vanessa Anne Spencer, will you marry me?”

“Oh, my God. Yes, dear Carl. Yes, I will. Thank you, so much.” This time she kissed me like she owned me, but then, I guess it was OK. She did now. I put the ring on her finger. I knew the size since I had her mom help me with the jewelry for her birthday. Thankfully, her left and right ring fingers were the same size. Her emerald ring I had just gotten her for her birthday went on her right hand, and this one on her left. It had a large round diamond with emeralds and diamond baguettes on the sides. “God, Carl, it’s gorgeous. I’m so glad I was born in May. Emeralds are so pretty. So, you love me?”

“I am IN love with you, as well, and have been since before it was the right thing to do or say.”

“Carl, when I looked up into your loving face as a child, thinking I was looking up at my husband, did you ever believe you were looking down at your wife?”

“I loved you then. I’ve loved you since before you became Vanessa, but I fell IN love with you when I held you after your surgery. You were in so much pain and the day after, you told me...”

She came home from the hospital, me carrying her in the back of Dad’s car. It was a big 600 Benz, so it was easy for me to get her in and out. I took her straight in to bed, carefully laying her down, kissing her head. She was twelve then and I was twenty-one.

“I love you, Vanessa. Relax for me, OK? I’m going to change clothes and come back. I’ll be right back. I promise.” She nodded. Barely, but just visibly, she nodded. Her mother came in to sit with her for a bit, then Dad poked his head in the door to make sure she knew we were all thinking about her. She was trying to smile as I left to change.

When I got back, Victoria left, touching my cheek. “Take care of my baby, Carl. Take care of our baby.” She and Dad walked down the hall.

I laid down behind her, rubbing her head, and her hip, brushing her hair back with my fingers. She puckered and got a kiss. “Carl, thank you. Can I have a pill and go to sleep, please?” She slept for 16 hours but with our doors both open, I heard her first thing in the morning and went to help. “Carl, can you help me with a pill and a trip to the bathroom, and take me to watch TV, please. I just want you to hold me.” I nodded.

Helping her up was as painful for me as for her, but we got it done. Pill, pee, and couch. She snuggled to me getting her bottom settled and her legs just so, then relaxed. I could feel her let go. She just went soft. I was so happy. It meant she was comfortable, I thought at the time, and that made me smile. Which made her smile. The pill started working in a bit, too, so she started getting a touch drowsy. Then she got a touch talkative.

“I hope I can be what you want, now. They’re gone. I’m a girl. I hope you can want me. I hope we can be together. Carl, I love you. If you don’t believe anything else I ever say, believe that. I love you. Kiss me, Carl, and let me sleep in your arms.” I kissed her, dropping tears on her hair. I moved so she wouldn’t see them.

“I love you, too, baby. I love you, too.”

Our parents came downstairs and when I looked up at them, I was pretty sure they heard our conversation. Dad smiled at me. Victoria touched my cheek, then my lips. She mouthed ‘Thank you’. She got a tissue and wiped the tears away then after kissing my forehead left the two of us there alone.

“That, missy, was when I knew. When I knew I was actually IN love with you. And I figured after that, your mom and my dad wouldn’t shit ponies and kill me if we somehow wound up together someday. Four years later, here you are, eating spaghetti at my kitchen table, wearing my engagement ring. You sure your mom isn’t gonna ask my dad for the money to hire a hit man?”

“No, I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I’ll borrow more from him to pay the guy, or gal, not to. Vicious circle and a really rich hit man. Carl, honey, I think we’re OK. The way you remember that conversation when I was talking too much ... Waaay too much ... I think they’re OK with us being together. When I show her the ring tomorrow, we’ll know for sure.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes, hush and eat. Your dinner’s getting cold.”

We ate and after I helped her with the dishes and the leftovers, we went into the office. She read while I worked on my paper a little longer. When I got up from the computer, she held her hand out, pulling me to her for a kiss.

“A movie, then bed, Carl? Nothing serious, just hold me and sleep?” I nodded. “Mom knows I’m spending the night, and what I expect will, and what will not, happen. You know, honey, it’s not her you need to worry about. It’s not Dad. It’s Donald. When he hears the screwup is going to marry the fuckup, he’s probably going to make waves.”

“Good point. He doesn’t like either of us, but he seems to want neither of us left alone. I’ve never understood your father, baby. I just never have. I know he’s jealous and he’s pissed because your mother left him when he cheated on her, but why he takes that out on you and me? I’ll never know. Personally, I don’t care, but that time in the store when he called you his little mistake, that was just uncalled for.”

“Yes, indeedy. My sperm donor is all that and a bag of chips, isn’t he? He makes fun of me being a ladyboy, but it’s probably his sissy genes that made me like this in the first place. That may come up if I ever get a chance. In any case, he’ll find out we’re engaged, and he’ll do something stupid. Probably call the cops and tell them I’m under age and you’re having your way with me. You’d be in jail before anyone would listen to reason. Can’t wait! Remember that day in court? Wild.”

Her father was a real pain. He still had visitation rights, but for the last couple years, she’s finagled her way out of a lot of visits, and when she turned fifteen, her mother’s lawyer told the three of them, Vanessa, Victoria, and Donald, that if Vanessa wasn’t comfortable in her father’s presence, she could just stop the visits all together. The child support didn’t stop, though. Donald got upset about it and pulled them into court a few months later suing because the child shouldn’t have any right to tell a parent what they can and can’t do. Victoria told him Vanessa was the one to decide on visits. A really funny judge made sure of that. I was there when she told Donald it was his fault his daughter didn’t want anything to do with him, not hers as the judge, not Victoria’s, and definitely not his daughter’s.

He started to say, “That’s another thing. This ‘daughter’ business...” She cut him off.

“Vanessa, bring me your learner’s permit. I heard you got one last month.” Vanessa took it up to her. “Yep, right here ... Sex: F. One more word, Mr. Spencer, and you’ll be spending her Christmas money on a fine for contempt. Might even keep you for a few days. That would be fun, wouldn’t it, Mr. Spencer? No change in support payments. Supervised visitation at the discretion of the child.” The gavel fell, and out we walked. Donald was not happy. He did it to himself. No one in our household felt a bit sorry for him. We thought he’d actually fade away, but no, he didn’t go away.

His favorite attack location was in a store if he saw us around town, and I personally think he laid in wait most of the time we were confronted. He’d get into heated discussions, embarrassing us and himself. Well, maybe not himself. I think his pride bar was pretty low. Still, she didn’t deserve to be called a ladyboy in public. Especially by her own father.

“We just need to keep an eye out and try to avoid him, that’s all. We’ll be fine. Come on, darling. The Hallmark Channel awaits us.” We watched a movie about a wedding in a barn, the girl got the right guy, everybody was happy, then we trundled off to bed. She had a little bag with her and took it into the bathroom. Coming back out, she was a vision. A blue silk chemise with gray lace trim. It was really, really pretty on her. She looked at me and smiled. When she saw the look on my face, it turned into a grin. She knew she had an impact. I held my arms out for her and pulled her in for a very soft hug. My fiancée was in my bed.

I kissed her and let her take the lead. She put the radio on a timer, pulled me to her, my arm around her, placed my hand on her breast and simply said, “Good night future husband of mine. I love you.”

I kissed the back of her head. “Good night, Vanessa. I love you, too.”

She was thirteen, making me, I guess, around twenty-two. Ugghh. Sounds terrible. She knew she was a tease, and she was none too nice about it. I was sitting on the couch looking some school work up on my iPad when she came in, crawled up on my lap, straddling me, and kissed me on my chin. She knew what she wanted, I knew what she wanted, so I puckered and let her have one.

“Minx.”

“Brute.”

“Gorgeous.”

“Handsome.”

“What can I do for you, my little pixie? I’m studying for a quiz have to take tomorrow.”

“I just wanted a kiss and to tell you I love you. That’s all. You’re moving out soon, so I want all the time with you I can get. I’m going to miss you, Carl. I really am. Would you find some time to take me to dinner or something this week?”

“Absolutely. Tomorrow night? You pick. If you want to dress up, I’m game. You know I love you, too, pumpkin. I truly do, but these last three or four years are going to be murder, so Dad thought we could buy the house down there for me to stay in. It gives me an extra hour and a half every day, at least.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s a good thing. They said I could visit and stuff, and you’ll come home on weekends. I know I’m not losing you, but...”

I put my arms around her and pulled her to me. She gently laid her head on my shoulder. I felt a sigh and a bit of a sniffle, but nothing major. Victoria walked by, stopping to pat her on the back a bit. She smiled at me and said, “Your boyfriend is a peach, baby. You know that don’t you?”

“Yes, Mommy, actually, I do.”

Victoria kissed my forehead. And again, while pulling back mouthed, ‘Thank you’, then kissed her little girl on the back of the head and walked out.

Then I woke up. The dream was vivid, but then, after all, it wasn’t a dream. It really happened a few weeks before I moved down here into this house to start my master’s program. That was almost four years ago. Dad thought we wouldn’t lose much with the house as an investment, it would keep me a lot closer to school and closer to our company lab, should I want to pitch in or need help with something. That turned into a windfall since one night at the lab while I was working on a project for school, I had a brainstorm and think I may have figured out a new way to ... Ahem, ahhhh. Better hold off on talking about that for right now. In any case, Dad is investing some money into the project and has a couple interns helping me with it.

Point is, the house comes in handy. They’ve stayed here some, too. They’ll go to a show or a game or something and spend the night instead of heading home. It’s handy. Three bedrooms with the middle bedroom, as well as the master, having ensuite bathrooms.

Oh, yes, then I woke up with a little angel in my arms. Not that she’s all that little anymore. Not really. Five foot four, long legs, hourglass figure, nicely shaped on top. I guess, stretching the realms of possibility, you could say Vanny comes by it honestly. Her mother is a bit busty. It’s all natural, though. The testes removal and six years of hormones have just about fixed her up. She’s a very well put together young lady. She pushed my hand back into her breast like she did last night, and flexed her own fingers, pushing mine into her flesh, much to my delight.

“Come on, baby. Let’s get up before we do something we’ll regret.”

“I won’t regret it, Carl, I’m just scared.”

“Vanessa, what are you afraid of? Me? Are you afraid I’ll hurt you? Honey, we never have to do anything that hurts you. Ever. Never. Especially the...”

“No, no! I like that. I’ve done it by myself. Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone, but I rather enjoy it. I have a special hairbrush. I have to be careful with it, so I don’t brush my bottom, but ... I’m afraid you won’t want me and rather have a girl instead.” I heard her voice go down in volume and in tenor. To almost a whisper, like she was afraid, or ashamed.

“Vanessa, do you remember what I did last night?”

“You asked me to marry you.”

“Don’t you think by now that I know what you have to offer? How you are put together? Hey, fiancée, newsflash, I know you cook a mean omelet and have a little itty bitty peepee clitty between your legs. That is not what I have been spending the last eight years loving or worrying about. I have spent the last eight years loving the little girl I’m holding. I’m nowhere near her privates. It’s what’s in your mind and in your heart I’m in love with. I guess I AM kind of close to that, though, huh? If you do nothing but kiss me, I’m going to be fine. OK?”

“OK. I just worry.”

“Don’t. If nothing else, I have you. I’ve asked you to marry me. You’ve said yes. One of these days, little one, my love, the cherished object of my affections, I’m going to make love to you. What that looks like, we won’t know until it happens. It could be a lot of kissing or licking or nibbling or any number of things, but baby, it will be what you want. Don’t worry, please. Do. Not. Worry. Turn around and kiss me.” She did, then we got up and I made coffee. In the kitchen I asked her if she was trying to tell me she wanted to wait to get personal or what she was trying to communicate.

“Would you take a shower with me? Is that what you mean? I’d like that. We could get to know each other without it being all about sex and violence.” She giggled. “I think it would be fun.”

“I do, too. We can have a little show and tell. Question. Are you sure your mother isn’t going to shoot me?”

“No, but it won’t be because you washed her daughter’s back.” She laughed and walked with her coffee back into the bedroom.

When I got there, the water was on, my new fiancée was in the shower facing toward me with her head back and the water running down her hair. I will say this about that point in time. She was beautiful and erotic. She was mine. She said yes, before she did this. Yes, she was mine. She was amazingly gorgeous. Her blonde hair was streaming back in the water, her breasts were prominent and being thrust forward as she leaned back. Her tummy was still concave, even though she was arched back. Her little peenie was almost not noticeable, maybe a half inch bud, but I saw it and admired it as I visually took in her body on the way down to her legs. Long legs. Smooth, tanned, and long legs. She was a package. I shivered before I got my composure and spoke.

“May I wash your hair, Vanessa?” I got a really pretty ‘umm hmmm’, so I went to work. I got a lot of moans after that. Seems like my love likes to have someone else do that for her. She was in luck, because I thought it was fun. I rinsed it for her, with her holding me on the sides of my chest.

When I was done shampooing and rinsing hers, she did mine, I held her the same way, only on the sides of her waist. Neither of us reached out and touched ‘private areas’, but we did wash each other and had fun doing it. It was actually a good way to get to know each other without, as Vanessa put it, sex and violence. I remembered she giggled when she said it, so I planned on having fun with the whole thing. My erection was almost at full staff, but I thought about cleaning her instead and let it flag. She saw it, then looked up at me and smiled. She said, “Soon, Carl. Soon.” As long as it’s been, I could wait as long as we needed.

After we got cleaned up, I asked her if I could take her to breakfast and then home. She agreed, but we were in different cars. It was Saturday morning, so she called home.

“Mom, Carl is going to feed me and bring me home. Is it OK if I leave my car here so we can come home together, then I can come back with him Sunday, then I can come home later then? Please? (Pause.) Yes. (Pause.) Yes. Uhmmm, Mom, he asked me to marry him. (Pause.) Yes, it’s beautiful. (Pause.) No, Mom, we haven’t. We fell asleep with his arms around me though, and I really like that. (Pause.) I will. (Pause.) I promise. (Pause.) You want to talk to him?” She handed me the phone.

“Hey, Victoria.”

“Are you treating my little girl right?”

“I hope so. If I treat her wrong, she won’t take me up on my proposal. Victoria, it just seemed like the right time. I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds, but I don’t want to lose her, and she wants to keep me. I’ve always thought that you two wanted what was best for us and if that was us, then that was OK. I hope I read that right.”

“You did. You are definitely your father’s son. Carl, I love you. Feed my baby and bring her home. We should probably talk. All of us.”

“OK. We’ll be there in a while. The place I’m taking her is very, very good, but fast service is not the area they get their stars,” I told her. We both laughed.

“Bye, hon. Love you. See you in a while.” Click.

We dressed, watching each other. I watched her put on thong panties, short shorts, high heeled sandals, a tight little waist length tank top with a built-in bra, and not much else. It was getting on late spring and this weekend was supposed to be really nice. She donned the emeralds I bought her for her birthday and boy, did she look nice. Well dressed, well accessorized, and just well done. Breakfast, here we come.

The little restaurant was a favorite of the college crowd. A bit on the pricey side, but the food was great, and they had a nice wireless connection. They didn’t ever run anyone out for overstaying their welcome, but there were very rarely lines or people waiting for a seat, so it was all good. We’d been here before, several times. I was thinking we should bring Dad and Victoria sometime when they were staying over. They’d love it. The waitress approached and recognized us.

“Hey, Carl, good morning! Coffee and grapefruit juice, right?” I nodded. “And for you, young lady?”

“Coffee and orange juice, Amy. Thanks.”

“OK, back in a bit. Oh, God. Vanessa, baby, is that what it looks like? Who’s the lucky bastard that landed you, honey?” Vanessa smiled and looked at me. “I thought ... Aren’t you...”

“Amy, it’s a really long, convoluted story, but yes, he’s my step-brother, and yes, I’ve loved him over half of my life. He’s lived down here for the last three years, but yes, it is what it looks like. Please don’t think poorly, of...”

“Oh, God, no, honey. I’m happy for you. You’re a gem. He’s a prince. No, not at all. I wish you all the happiness in the world. If you throw him back in the pond, though, you call me first, OK? Oh, and what did you use for bait? I want to be ready, just in case.” She and Vanessa both laughed. I turned red.

“Please. I’m right here. Just bring me a spinach, mushroom, and Italian sausage omelet with tomatoes and cheese. Maybe some avocado and hash browns on the side.” Vanessa ordered some scrambled eggs and toast, between giggles, and Amy left us.