Chapter 37: A New Year; A New Beginning

January 1982, Chicago, Illinois

I awoke with a start, confused as to where I was. It quickly came back to me — Jennifer and I had fallen asleep together on the couch. She was still asleep, her head on my shoulder, her strawberry blonde hair cascading over her face and my chest, and her arm across my stomach. I was a bit stiff because I didn’t normally sleep sitting up, but there was no way I was going to move until Jennifer woke. I knew she needed the close contact and the comfort I was providing, and my discomfort was a small price to pay to help her.

Jennifer stirred about ten minutes later, yawning and stretching. I suspected she was just as uncomfortable as I was, but her emotional needs outweighed physical comfort. She sat up and smiled at me.

“Thank you,” she said, leaning in to kiss my cheek.

“You’re welcome,” I said, stretching my arms and legs and slowly standing up. “I could use a sauna right about now!”

“Your next place has to have one, for sure. How about a hot bath?”

“That’s not a bad idea, but that doesn’t exactly work the same way. And we can’t really do that together.”

Jennifer smiled, “Sure we can. We’d be naked in the sauna, we’ll just be naked in the tub. I promise I’ll behave. All you need to do is put your arms around me. Nothing more. I won’t tease you or anything.”

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” I said warily. “We have so much history.”

“We do,” Jennifer agreed. “And because of that history, because we love each other, we can do this. You told me about the shower Joyce helped you with after Birgit died. Was that about sex?”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Then come on,” she said, taking my hand.

We went into the bathroom and I started the water, setting the taps so the water was as hot as we could possibly stand. I got some bubble bath that Elyse kept on the side of the tub and poured it in. It was lilac, which wasn’t my favorite, but it would do. I stripped off my clothes and climbed into the tub. Jennifer did the same thing. She was looking a lot better than when I’d seen her during the Summer — nicely filled out, gorgeous breasts with rock-hard nipples, flat stomach, neatly trimmed strawberry blonde pubic hair and long, muscular legs.

Jennifer saw me looking at her and smiled. She climbed into the tub, sat between my legs, and reclined back against my chest. I put my arms around her and rested my hands on her stomach. She sighed deeply and relaxed completely. I did the same as the water filled the tub. When it got within an inch or so of the top of the tub, Jennifer leaned forward and shut off the taps, then leaned back against me again and sighed once more.

The hot water quickly loosened up my tight muscles, and the room grew quite warm as well. It wasn’t a sauna, but for the moment, it was close enough. More interestingly, despite having a gorgeous strawberry blonde in my arms, I wasn’t sporting an erection. I was happy about that, too. It was unlikely that Jennifer and I would make love for a host of reasons, not the least of which was my promise to Kara, though she had in the end told me to do what I thought was right. All of that said, the last thing I wanted to do was to lead Jennifer on.

For me, making love with her would be a tacit admission that her goal was achievable, not just in some theoretical sense, but that there was a real chance that it could happen. I didn’t think that was the case, and that, in and of itself, was sufficient to make me extremely cautious about how I dealt with her. Even sitting naked in the tub was not without risk, because she might draw a wrong conclusion from it. She also might have ulterior motives. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I quickly struck that thought from my mind. I had to give Jennifer not just the benefit of the doubt, but real trust. The only way I could help her recover was to trust her. That was risky on my part because I stood a real chance of getting burned by her. She’d done it to me enough times in the past that I was wary. That said, I needed Jennifer to recover. I needed her as a friend and I wanted her to be happy. My happiness was tied to hers in a way similar to how my happiness was tied to Bethany’s. We might not be together, but our lives were so intertwined that if Bethany or Jennifer were hurting, I was hurting.

Jennifer was going to have a serious struggle when she went back to Stanford. She and Jocelyn were likely to have it out, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. The relationship would likely fracture, probably permanently, because they wouldn’t be able to reconcile their world views. As willing as I was to see other people’s points of view, there were some things I just couldn’t agree with nor accept as valid. Invariably, those were views that lumped entire groups of people together and, in effect, applied collective guilt to them. I believed that individuals were individuals, and that everyone should be measured by their own actions.

The water was cooling, and it was almost time to get out of the tub. Jennifer turned to her side and put her head on the right side of my chest and her hand on the left side. She sighed and snuggled against me for a moment, then got up out of the tub. I opened the drain and, after a moment, turned on the shower to rinse the suds off our bodies and from the tub. I quickly rinsed off and then stepped out of the tub. Jennifer stepped in and rinsed off. We dried ourselves and put on our robes, then went to our rooms and dressed.

New Year’s Day was calm and relaxing. We didn’t talk about us, but instead played video games, ate our meals, and relaxed listening to music. I knew at some point we’d have to finish the conversation and I figured it would be in the evening, after dinner. We took a walk before dinner, despite the chill. I cooked dinner, we ate, and then we did the dishes together. When we finished, we sat on the couch with cups of tea.

“Where are we now, Steve?” Jennifer asked.

“I guess that’s really a question for you, Jen,” I said. “You know my situation. Nothing has changed.”

“I’ve told you what my goal is. There really isn’t much more to say to you than that. I’m not asking you for anything other than to be my friend and to stay open to the possibility, however remote, that we could be together.”

“Jennifer...”

She put her finger to my lips.

“I said, ‘however remote’. I’m not obsessing or making any assumptions. But, each day, I can decide what I need to do to move towards my goal. I’ve already done that for today. I’m not expecting you to do anything at all to help me meet my goal, except, and this is important, to be my friend and help me exorcise my demons. Can you do that?”

I couldn’t let her down on either of those two things. I’d ultimately let her down on her goal, but I’d sure as hell NEVER let her down on being her friend or helping her recover.

“Yes, Jennifer, I can do that. I promise.”

“Good. I know we can’t make love. You can’t be sure that I won’t take it the wrong way. And, honestly, I can’t be sure I won’t take it the wrong way. Last Summer was different. Now that I’ve told you what I want, making love is a huge step that we can’t even think about taking now. I also suspect that it would cause severe strain between you and Kara, and I can’t do that. It wouldn’t further my goal. Instead, it would be the end of it. You would blame me, and rightly so.”

“What about Jocelyn?”

“It’s going to be messy, but I’m going to tell her what I think. It’s up to her what happens then. She’s not the only fish in the sea!” she added with a smile.

“So you’ll keep dating girls, then?”

“Oh, who knows! If I don’t end up with you, I might just stick to girls. I really feel that I could go either way in the long run.”

“You need to do what you think is best, Jen. Do what’s right for you, whatever that is.”

She smiled, “Thanks. I do have one request for you.”

“What’s that?”

“Cuddle me for a bit before we go to bed — our own beds.”

I pulled her to me on the couch and held her for about twenty minutes before we headed to bed. As we walked down the hall, she pulled me into a light hug and kissed my cheek.

“Thanks,” she said softly.

“You’re welcome.”

I slept soundly and on Saturday morning after breakfast, I took Jennifer to O’Hare for her flight back to Seattle. At the gate, when her flight was called, Jennifer gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

“A new beginning, Steve,” Jennifer whispered in my ear.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I’ll talk to you soon and see you in July.”

Jennifer broke the hug and turned to head to the Jetway. I grabbed her arm, turned her and pulled her into a tight hug, and kissed her lips softly.

“I love you Jennifer,” I said.

She smiled, “I love you, too, Steve.”

She handed over her boarding pass, walked to the Jetway, turned and waved, and walked onto the plane. I thought about what she had told me about her goals. In one way, I thought she was a crazy dreamer. In another way, given everything that had happened to me, maybe she wasn’t so crazy after all. Her goals and my goals diverged because of Kara, but there was no way to predict the future. Life had taught me that bitter lesson. Only time would tell. When the DC-9 pushed away from the gate, I headed back to the apartment.

At home, I cleaned up, changed the sheets on Elyse’s bed, and placed a call to the Russian Embassy in DC to let them know my flight details. They informed me that a car would be sent to meet me and that Colonel Anisimova would be at the airport when I arrived. Clearly, she’d been promoted! They verified that I would have the appropriate clothing for the dinner and I confirmed that I did. I’d rented a black tie outfit from the same shop as I had for the dinner in Chicago. If things continued with Tatyana, I’d most likely purchase my own.

The phone rang, and I answered it. It was a UofC professor calling about the couch. I let him know he could come see it right away, and he was at the apartment about fifteen minutes later. He looked at the couch, and we quickly struck a deal. He asked to use the phone and called a friend who had a pickup truck. He promised to be back around 5:00pm to pick up the couch. We shook hands, and he left.

Just before 5:00pm, I heard a key in the lock and a joyful, “Hi, Honey! I’m home!” as Elyse walked in. I let her know that the professor would be back soon to take away the couch and that our new sleep sofa would be delivered on Monday. The professor arrived a few minutes later with two other guys. He handed me cash for the agreed price and they took the couch away.

When they left, Elyse and I rearranged the room a bit so that there was enough space to fold out the new sofa bed without rearranging the room every time. By moving the computer desk slightly, we could move the couch back the one foot necessary for that to work. When we were satisfied, we went out for Italian food and ice cream.

When we returned, the light on my answering machine was blinking. I walked over and pressed play. Richie needed me to come out to the house in Cicero and take a look at a problem they were having. I stopped the machine and called him back. The problem he described sounded like an actual hardware problem, most likely a bad RAM chip. I checked with Elyse and then let him know I could meet him on Monday morning around 11:00am.

“I had hoped we could cuddle on the couch, but I guess that won’t work,” Elyse said when I hung up.

“We have the bay windows, the easy chair, the loveseat or the beds,” I chuckled, “I think we can make do!”

I went to sit in one of the easy chairs and Elyse curled up in my lap, similar to how Katt had in the past.

“So when does Warren get back?” I asked.

“Thursday, I think. There was a letter from him on my desk but I didn’t open it yet,” she said.

“Why? Go read it. See what he has to say,” I encouraged.

Elyse sighed and got off my lap, and went to her room and retrieved the letter. She sat in the other easy chair, tore it open and read it. I saw a small glint in her eye and a smile spread across her face.

“He wrote to apologize!” she said. “He wrote that he talked to a friend of his who told him he was an idiot, that if, and I’m quoting here, a hot chick like Elyse is into you, why do you care who she’s sharing an apartment with, especially if they have separate rooms?”

I chuckled, “Hot chick? Really?”

She stuck her tongue out at me and said, “You’re just jealous!”

“Don’t stick that out unless you intend to use it!” I chuckled.

She stuck it out again.

“In all seriousness,” I said gently, “we should talk about ground rules if you’re going to be with Warren.”

“Let me use my tongue first!” she smirked, putting the letter down and kneeling in front of my chair. “Just relax and enjoy!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was sitting on my lap, French kissing me.

“So, the ground rules?” I asked again.

“Until he comes back, we aren’t together, so anything goes. After that, I guess your rules about being with someone in an exclusive relationship apply.”

“They do indeed,” I confirmed. “But what I was getting at was whether or not cuddling, the occasional kiss and that kind of thing, would be problematic. With Bethany, I can’t do any of those things because it would cause problems for her personally. With Kathy, she still gives me soft French kisses when we see each other. In that way, she’s kind of like Melanie, who has been doing that for years now.”

“Sadly, I think Warren is the jealous type, so any kind of contact like that when he’s around won’t be acceptable. But I don’t want to change the way we live together, well, except for the sex part.”

“In the end, it’s up to you, Elyse,” I said. “Things will change when Kara’s here for sure. I can’t imagine she’s OK with casual nudity.”