Chapter 33: Home for the Holidays, Part IV

December, 1981, Milford, Ohio

As I drove to Kara’s house, I thought more about my conversation with Bethany. And the more I thought about, the more I realized that I had totally missed the signs. I had fallen in love with Kara without feeling the connection — in a sense, our kisses, and even our first lovemaking, didn’t feel different from many other girls I’d been with. But it was different. It was different because I loved her. And, eventually, we HAD felt the spark of the connection. We felt it because I WANTED to feel it. The question I now had was what it all meant. And that was a question that would take some time to figure out.

I picked up Kara, and we went to lunch, then went back to the Spencers’ to hang out until our dinner with Joyce. Kara told me she had a list of things to get, so we’d need to leave early to have time to go to Fazio’s. I let her know about the call from Anna and that I was going to have lunch with her on Tuesday, but that I’d come to her house as soon as lunch was done. She asked about my history with Anna and I told her plainly what had transpired, both before Sweden and after.

“So what does she want? To get back together with you?”

“I honestly don’t know. She’s a sweet girl, but I don’t see any chance I’d get involved with her at this point. Not to mention the fact that she was pretty upset with me for the way I treated her. I haven’t even spoken to her in a year and a half. There’s nothing at all to worry about, Kara.”

“As long as you’re sure, I’m fine,” she said.

“You are my girl and you are the one who is moving in with me next Summer. I want that. I love you!”

“And I love you, Steve!”

My conversations with Bethany, Melanie and Stephanie were running through my head. And I needed to talk to Kara about them, but I had to be careful.

“Kara, tell me honestly, do you think I’ve been emotionally abusive to you?”

“What?! Where did THAT idea come from?!”

“Talking with Bethany and Melanie last night. And to an extent, with Joyce at Thanksgiving. And my little sister this morning at breakfast. It was mainly talking about how I treated girls before you and how I’ve changed. But I want to make sure you don’t feel like I’m treating you badly in any way.”

Kara smiled, “You are not. You’ve spoken with me honestly the whole way, from before you made love to me that first time in my bed until today. Is everything perfect? Is everything the way I want it? The answer to both of those is a resounding ‘no’. But I can handle things the way they are. I’ve told you over and over that I knew what I was getting into before we made love.

“You and I both thought we were going to fuck each other silly for a few weeks and then it would be over. I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was falling in love with you. I was even less prepared for you falling in love with me. Then, when you did, and you committed to me, I knew in my heart of hearts something bad was going to happen. I was prepared for it. But you surprised me, first by how quickly it happened, but more importantly, by coming to me and confessing immediately. I knew your past. I knew you were going to have a struggle with being with just me. It hurt me, but you showed me that you can be the man I want and expect you to be.”

I was pretty sure that I knew the answer to my next question, but I had to ask it, anyway.

“What would make things perfect in your mind? What would make it the way you wanted it to be?”

Kara sighed, “Actually, I used to think that being married to you right now would be perfect. But I’ve realized just how silly that idea was. That was the old Kara’s way of thinking — that I should marry the day after I graduated from High School. I don’t want that. I think the right time to get married is when we’ve both graduated from college. That looks to be 1986 by my thinking. I mean, sure, we could do it when you graduate, if we decide that’s right.

“As for getting engaged, that was a silly idea based on the first idea, AND then on the idea that it would make my dad change his mind about us. Mom is sure that when we finally do tie the knot, he’ll come around, but before then? He won’t. In his mind, you defiled his innocent little girl and nothing I say or you say will change his mind on that. You gave me this,” she said, fingering the expensive diamond pendant that I’d given her, “and that said everything I needed to know. I knew then that you and Jennifer wouldn’t last because YOU had decided that you wouldn’t last. You just hadn’t admitted it to yourself.

“So now, what would be perfect? Being with you all the time. That has to wait until I graduate and you come back from Sweden. And Snuggle Bear, until you get everything out of your system. I know you would have stayed faithful to me if I hadn’t broken up with you, but it would have been a struggle. This way, you’ve slowly worked your way towards it. You know I don’t like it, but given your past, which I accept as a fact, not as something for you to be proud of, I’d say you’re doing fine.

“You proved to me that you’re committed to me by encouraging Kathy, Elyse, and especially Bethany, to date and to get into serious relationships. You’ve cut out most of your bad behavior in the past. I’m sure that there have been one or two girls that you’ve been with that I don’t know about and don’t want to know about. But, and this is important, you’re not crazy like you were before. In the end, you have just one problem to deal with. The others will sort themselves out before July.”

And that was the one girl who was hanging around waiting for everyone else to drop out. Her strategy was working, but Kara was a major impediment — the irresistible force and the immovable object.

“Joyce,” I said.

“Exactly. She’s not going away. She’ll continue with you right up to the day I move in. Then, she’ll date, but nobody serious until she sees you get married. But I’m worried that somewhere in between, the two of you will find yourselves together and you won’t be able to resist the urge to have sex. And I can’t accept that. You know that full well.”

“And so does Joyce. She’d never do that to you.”

“You know temptation,” Kara sighed. “You deal with it every single day. I think that’s one you can’t resist unless you make a firm break. One that makes it clear that she doesn’t have a chance. The same as you did with Bethany. The same as you and Kathy agreed years ago. The same as you did with Jennifer, though we need to talk about that one a bit still.”

“So, what are you saying? That I need to tell Joyce that I’ll never be with her?”

“Yes, I think you need to be that clear,” Kara said thoughtfully, “Don’t give her hope. If you do, I am sure it’s going to end badly for all three of us. One of us is going to get hurt, maybe two of us, or most likely, all three of us.”

“Should the three of us talk about that together?” I asked.

“Probably. What about after the party on Saturday?”

“Yeah. We can do that. I’m heading back to Chicago on Sunday morning, so we’ll make Saturday night special!” I grinned.

“Yes,” she smiled. “Now, about Jennifer.”

“What about her?”

“Your comment earlier about emotionally abusing girls. You HAD to be thinking about Jennifer, and maybe Bethany.”

“Yes, and Melanie as well. I was a real jerk before I met you, Kara.”

“You’ve been a real jerk SINCE you’ve met me, Steve Adams, but the key difference is that you recognize it and you stop doing whatever it is that’s problematic on your own. Sure, I prod you a bit here and there, but you love me enough to want to make me happy and that’s enough to make you behave, for the most part. You did treat Jennifer horribly, and you really hurt her. The fact that you recognize this tells me that you’re aware of your own weaknesses and failings. That’s good. The question is what you’re going to do to try to fix it.”

“I spoke with her last night,” I said. “I’m guessing that her therapy sessions are working because she wasn’t afraid to tell me just how badly I’d treated her and how I’d been emotionally abusive to her, to Melanie and to Bethany. I admitted that I’d failed badly. All I can do now is to be her friend and help her with her recovery as best I can. I’m sure we’ll talk it all out in Chicago when she’s there next week.”

“Steve, do you want to sleep with her?” Kara asked softly.

“I don’t know the answer to that, and I’m not sure that it matters. What I do know is that I cannot do anything, anything at all, that leads her to believe that we’re going to get back together. That could very well destroy her recovery. It’s similar to how things are with Bethany — I can’t even joke or tease about something like that on the off chance that she gets the wrong idea. It’s why I’m encouraging Bethany with Gene at every opportunity and why I make sure that our physical contact is limited to platonic hugs and kisses on the cheek.”

“Yes,” Kara said, nodding. “I’ve seen that, and you’re certainly right on both accounts. I guess all I can tell you with Jennifer is use your best judgment and don’t mislead her. She does know I’m moving in with you, right?”

“Absolutely! Everyone knows that! I’ve done everything but hire a skywriter, and I’ll do that if you need me to! The girl I’m hanging out with in Chicago, Stephie, knows that quite clearly. She even asked me if you would be OK with us being friends when you moved in. I explained that you didn’t have any concerns with my other female friends. I’ve made it quite clear to her where things stand.”

“And the Russian girl?”

“She’s an enigma. But, and I’ll be clear on this, she’s said several times, quite firmly, that she’s a ‘good girl’. I’m going to DC to go to the dinner at the Russian Embassy. I’ll be staying at her father’s official residence, which means KGB guards, etc.”

“I was a ‘good girl’, Steve!” Kara giggled.

“True. But I think this is different. And, whatever happens, which I suspect will be nothing given the circumstances, it ends when you move to Chicago. Period. As you said, it’s Joyce that’s the real issue here. There’s really nobody else left.”

“Karin,” Kara said flatly.

“I’d say from our phone calls and letters, we’re both resigned to the fact that we’re just going to end up as friends. I think I’ll see her in Stockholm this Summer and we’ll agree that it was a nice dream, but in the end, we were blinded by our love for Birgit. All of this is predicated on you and me working out as we’ve planned, and I’d say that appears to be going exactly as it should. Do you agree?”

“Yes. I think it is. So long as you can be honest with me and continue working towards our goal, everything will be fine. All your friends, your little sister, and your dad seem to think so, too. They were never all in agreement before, where they?”

“No,” I said, looking at my watch, “But we need to head to Fazio’s and then go meet Joyce. Did you double check the list with her this time?”

Kara laughed, “Yes. I even called her right before you picked me up. Let’s go.”

We did our shopping, stopped at UDF for ice cream to have for dessert, and then headed to the apartment. Joyce arrived only a few minutes after we did. I wondered if we shouldn’t have the conversation now, but I suspected that Kara had other ideas for tonight and didn’t want to ruin them with that conversation. Deciding to do it Saturday after the party meant that it wouldn’t cast a pall over our holidays as well, even if I was wrong about Kara’s plans.

The evening progressed as our dinners usually did with Kara and Joyce cooking a fantastic meal, dinner with a glass of wine each, dessert, me helping with dishes, and ending with the girls sitting on the couch and me in the easy chair, all drinking hot chocolate. We’d had a bit of snow overnight and there was a light dusting on the ground that we could see through the window. The only thing missing was a nice fireplace. I’d have to add that to my list for my dream house, along with the sauna.

So far, the evening had been all small talk. Nobody had mentioned the sauna or the shower, and there hadn’t even been any teasing or jokes. I could almost feel the tension. I wasn’t going to raise the issue because I didn’t want to put any pressure on Kara, or Joyce, for that matter. I felt Kara was still nervous, and a bit scared about the situation. I was sure that if something was going to be said, Joyce was going to say it.

It happened when we were drinking our second mugs of hot chocolate. Joyce finally said something. Unsurprisingly for Joyce, it was direct.

“The way I see it,” she said, “we can do this either of two ways. We can sit here and talk for a couple of hours and wonder what it’ll be like for the three of us to be together. Or we can just cut to the chase.”

Kara’s eyes grew wide, and I nearly choked on the mouthful of hot chocolate I’d just tipped into my mouth as I emptied my mug. I felt that I had to wait for Kara to say something before I did. This really came down to what she was comfortable with and what she could handle. I wasn’t sure of the answer to that question and I suspected that Kara didn’t know the answer herself.

“What do we do?” Kara whispered nervously, her hands shaking as she tried to hold her mug still.

“First, put your mug down and relax,” Joyce said gently as she set her mug on the table.

Kara nodded and set her mug down.

“Slide a bit closer to me so Steve can sit next to you. Steve, sit next to her.”

I got up and sat on Kara’s left as she scooted just far enough towards Joyce so that I had room to sit down. Joyce smiled and told Kara to just relax. She had us turn a bit, so that I was sitting almost sideways and Kara’s back was against my chest. Joyce told me to put my arm around Kara’s waist.

“Now what do I do?” Kara asked.

Joyce leaned forward, her face just inches in front of Kara’s. Joyce looked at me and I nodded. She gently pressed her lips against Kara’s for just a brief second, then pulled back. I felt Kara’s heart racing. I knew a good part of that was nervousness, but I suspected that she was excited by what was going on as well. It was a question of which feeling would win out — nervousness or lust. I wasn’t betting either way at the moment.

“You OK, Kara?” Joyce asked.

Kara nodded almost imperceptibly. Joyce leaned in and kissed her again, this time letting her lips linger for several seconds. When Kara didn’t protest, she did it again, but this time I saw Joyce’s lips part and her tongue touch Kara’s lips. Tentatively and slowly, Kara parted her lips and her heart raced even faster. The girls’ tongues touched and Kara moaned! They kissed softly for several seconds, and Joyce broke the kiss and sat back.

I bent my head down and whispered in Kara’s ear, “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” she sighed.

Joyce leaned in and they kissed again, this time a bit more heated than the previous kiss. Joyce moved her hand and rested it lightly on Kara’s firm right breast. She took my left hand and moved it from Kara’s stomach to Kara’s left breast. I bent my head down to kiss Kara’s neck and then nibble on her earlobe while Joyce French kissed her. Kara moaned again. I moved my right hand slowly down from Kara’s stomach and began gently rubbing between her legs outside her jeans. Just a few seconds later, she groaned and her body shook, not from nervousness but from an orgasm. She broke the kiss with Joyce and gasped for breath.

“Oh my!” Kara gasped. “Stop for a minute, please.”