Chapter 18: For My Own Good

October, 1981, Milford, Ohio

“What do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Oh no, you don’t! It’s not about what I want, it’s about what you want. And you have to be sure that what you say and what you do line up with what you want. Telling Kara you’ll get engaged to her next Summer but starting a relationship with a new girl in Chicago is hardly consistent! I’d say that qualifies as ‘misbehaving’ by any reasonable standard, AND so was sleeping with Elyse.”

“OK, let me rephrase that. What’s your advice? You’ve given me pretty good advice in the past.”

“Do you love Kara?” Joyce asked.

“Absolutely,” I confirmed.

“Well, then you need to treat her like you love her. And that means you need to be completely honest with her. If you aren’t ready to make a commitment, tell her.”

“I did that yesterday, and I thought we’d come to an agreement that we could both work with, at least for now.”

“Are you sure about that? Or did Kara simply let you do what you wanted?”

“She’s no doormat!” I protested. “I admit, Bethany and Jennifer let me get away with murder. Kara never has, and I don’t think she is now. I think she’s being practical. She has a LOT going on in her life and is going through a major change in her worldview. That means she has to adapt to the new realities she’s finding. She’s been doing that since the day we started flirting in chemistry class.

“Remember, I was steady with her until she broke that off. Granted, that was because of Jennifer, but Kara knew about her from the beginning. If Kara’s dad had let her go to the Prom or if Kara hadn’t decided to let Bethany have the Prom night she wanted, we’d still be steady! Think about it. Stephanie wouldn’t have really been able to call Karin and get her to come to visit if I was steady with Kara because of my rule.

“Most certainly things with Jennifer would have gone differently, though in a sense, it’s a good thing it happened the way it did, given how close to a complete breakdown Jennifer was. She might even have tried to kill herself, or even done it accidentally. And yes, I realize my part in that. Otherwise, she would not have come to visit, we wouldn’t have restored our friendship, and she would’ve had a real breakdown. Instead, she came, we DID restore our friendship, and she went home a new person.”

I saw no need to tell her that Jennifer and I had been intimate. Kara knew, and that was enough.

“So,” I continued, “if Kara had waited until August, which is what I had asked her to do, and something she had agreed to, then things would have been wildly different. Look, I’m not trying to duck this nor shirk my responsibility for what’s happened, but Kara has never been in the dark and I’ve never lied to her or misled her. Period.”

Joyce sat quietly a minute before answering.

“When you slept with Kara, did you make any kind of commitment to her at all?”

“No. None. It was my intent and her intent to have a fling. She had decided she wanted to have sex with me. I made her wait several months. If I hadn’t made her wait, it probably would have been a torrid affair that ended fairly quickly. Instead, I fell in love with her. And she with me. That wasn’t the plan, and I made no promises to get her into bed with me. None. What happened after that, well, you know the full story. I had my bout of stupidity and she forgave me and didn’t break up with me.”

“And you are absolutely sure you didn’t mislead her? In any way?”

“Well, about Stephanie, at first. But that was resolved. Otherwise? No. When I gave her that diamond necklace, it was because I couldn’t give her a ring, and I told her that. She did try to interpret that differently, but when I found out, I corrected her and she accepted my version of what had been said. I totally get that I made more than a few mistakes with Jennifer and that I had a big part in what happened there, but I don’t see how the Kara situation is even remotely similar.

“When the entire thing with Jennifer blew up, I was close to making a decision to ask Kara to go steady again, and then my sister meddled and created quite a bit of turmoil. During that turmoil, Kara was the one to suggest that we live together. She’s the one who decided to start having sex with me again, even if we weren’t going steady. I’m still wondering why you think she’s going to break up with me.”

“Just things she says. Didn’t she just change your relationship?”

“More like she acknowledged how things were at the moment. She’s never, ever had blinders on. She knows how promiscuous I was before. So do you. Am I anything like that now? No! I’ve turned down sex a number of times because I didn’t feel right about it. Does that mean I’ll turn it down every time? No. In fact, you’re here because you want to fool around. Or did I totally misread your question the other day? If I did, then you need to think about the way you responded to me.”

Joyce sighed, “I’m back to being torn about this again.”

“You’ve always been torn about it. From day one. You continue to struggle with whether or not you should be with me; you always have. But, and I’m not trying to be a jerk, you always come back. You keep coming back. You broke up with Roy because you wanted to be with me. You always talk about being the last girl standing, so you have an agenda. You’re just not pushing it. Of course, you never fail to remind me of that. You certainly can’t deny that.”

“No,” she said, visibly deflating.

“So, what’s the real reason for this tough conversation? I’m glad we had it, but there’s something else going on here. Kara trusts you as a friend, so I hope to hell you aren’t trying to interfere with us.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just concerned about you and about her. Maybe I should just let things take their natural course and let everything just happen as it should.”

Now I was suspicious. Something was really bothering her. I thought back over the conversation and I realized what it was. It made total sense.

“What’s bothering you? Something has you upset. I think I know what it is, too.”

“All right, Mr. Smarty Pants, what is it that’s bothering me?”

“Elyse, Stephie, and Tatyana. Jennifer’s out of the picture. So is Bethany. Kathy never really was in the picture, but she’s out now as well. Elyse was out of the picture and suddenly popped back in. And the other two girls are, in your opinion, in the picture. You’re not concerned about Kara, you’re concerned about YOU. Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, because you do care about Kara, but this whole conversation is about you, isn’t it? Last girl standing, and now you see others who might be in the way.”

After a moment’s silence she sighed, “You’re probably right, but that doesn’t change the fact that you did treat Jennifer like shit and really need to rethink how you handled that. I’m not saying get back together with her, but cutting her off the way you did? Without even considering your part in it? That was really mean. It’s no wonder she took it so badly. You didn’t have to wreck things with her.”

“I know. I’ll see her in December and I’ll make sure we talk things out. We did a lot when she was here. I’ve learned a lot since I came home from Sweden. I’m still learning. And I appreciate the advice and I appreciate the occasional beating you give me over how I’m acting.”

“You like beatings? Shall I get a riding crop?” she giggled.

“You can use it on Kara when we’re in a threesome!” I chuckled.

“Oh, so you know about that naughty little desire she has!”

“Yes. I called her on it, and she didn’t deny it. I told her I was sure she was going to ask someday not only for that, but for anal sex, and that when she did, she was going to cum harder than she ever had before.”

“You are so bad! But, now, for your own good and for your own safety, you better take ME upstairs and make me cum that hard. You wouldn’t want me to tell Grandfather you disappointed me!” she smirked.

“Oh, Grandpa,” I simpered, “Steve didn’t make me cum enough when I demanded he fuck me! Would you please have him whacked?”

She burst out laughing, “OK. OK. I guess that wouldn’t work, would it?”

I took her hand and led her upstairs. I made sure not to disappoint her. We didn’t fall asleep until after 3:00am, though I had set the alarm for 6:00am so that I could go swim with my sister and make her breakfast before church. When the alarm roused me from a deep sleep, I slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom for a quick shower. When I came back, Joyce went and showered and after we dressed she headed home and I headed to my parents’ house, where Stephanie and I swam and then ate breakfast with my dad. After breakfast, we went down the hall to my old room.

“I need to call Karin and I want to call Josh. I’ll give you the cash to cover the bill with Dad.”

“OK. I’ll hang out, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” I grinned. “I’ll talk to Karin in Swedish! I’ll try with Josh, but I don’t know how far I’ll get!”

I dialed Karin’s number. We had a good chat, as always. Because we were talking almost weekly, there wasn’t much news, and I didn’t really need to tell her about Bethany or Kathy. My call to Josh lasted longer because I didn’t talk to him very often. We started in Swedish but he asked to switch to English because he was still not fluent enough.

“Will you make it by December?” I teased.

“Yeah, I think so. I’m getting through a lot of class without translation by my friends Gunnar and Ann-Charlotte.”

“How’s Sofia? I haven’t spoken with her in a while.”

“She’s a good friend. I decided I didn’t want to limit myself to one girl and you know her rule.”

“I do. Is there someone special, or are you just having fun?”

“Just having fun,” he chuckled. “But my class isn’t like yours with a 3-1 ratio of girls to guys!”

“Do you talk to Mary?”

“Yeah, I call her about once a month and we chat for a few minutes. We send letters, too. I’m actually looking forward to being with her when I get home.”

We talked for a few more minutes and then said our goodbyes. Stephanie and I sat on beanbag chairs to talk, though I did let her know I had some homework I needed to do before I went to see Kara.

“You and Ed didn’t change the sheets or pick up the towels at the apartment, Stephanie!” I teased as I handed her the keys.

“Oops! We were there on Friday afternoon and we ran out of time and basically had to run back to Graeter’s for Mrs. Krajick to pick us up! Sorry about that.”

“It was no big deal. I made the bed and put the towels in the laundry bag. We didn’t need it after all. Things are going well between you and Ed?”

“Yep. He’s a good boy, so he gets his treats!” she smirked.

I grinned and let it go.

“How are things otherwise?”

“Tracy V said that Jeff was up to his old antics with grade school kids. I swear he’s a bigger pervert than I thought!”

“Has anyone said anything to Mom or Dad about it?”

“No. I’m sure not going to. All it will do is make Mom angry with me!”

“True. How’s Mom?”

“No real trouble. She’s always checking up on me and kind of testing me about being like you, but so far, she doesn’t have a clue about what Ed and I are doing. We’re not allowed to date, but we’re allowed to hang out. I guess she still thinks you can only have sex at night! I did go to the Homecoming and Turnabout dances with Ed, though Mom was wary about it and made me come home right after the dance. It worked out OK because Ed and I have plenty of opportunities to be together. How are things with Kara?”

“OK, I guess. It’s a bit complicated because of the distance and because I’m not sure about making the commitment to her at this point.”

“What happened?”

“It’s just me. I still want her to come to Chicago, I’m just not ready to get engaged. We talked about it last night. She’s amazingly understanding. We’re just taking things one day at a time. Basically, I realized that even though I wasn’t obsessing, I was still kind of behaving the same as I had in the past. Kara understood.”

“I’m telling you, we all think she’s the one for good reasons. How are things with Elyse and that girl from your class?”

“Elyse is fine. She’s trying to sort out her feelings for me, which isn’t really a surprise. We’ve talked a lot and I think we’re in a good place. Stephie and I are friends. She has a boyfriend back home that she has to figure out how to handle if she even wants to kiss. She thought they had an agreement, but it turns out he didn’t think so.”

“Oops. You didn’t do anything with her that broke your rules, did you?”

“No. I mean, we kissed, but that was it. And I won’t even kiss her unless she and her boyfriend have a proper agreement similar to the one Kara and I have.”

“Good boy. You’re learning! Anything else going on?”

“Becky tracked me down, but I told her I wasn’t interested. It was just a phone call. I’m hoping she takes the hint.”

“That chick will NEVER take the hint, Big Brother. You should get an unlisted phone number!”

“I’m sure she has my address by now. Don’t worry, Stephanie. I am not interested in Becky at all.”

“Just be careful!”

“I will. Now, let me do some homework!”

She went back to her room, and I pulled out my calculus and physics books and then spent the next two hours doing homework. I hadn’t studied German, but I didn’t have a quiz before Friday, so I’d be OK. I’d just have to make sure I really studied during the week. When I finished, I put my books and papers away and went to tell Stephanie I was leaving.

“Give me a good hug, Big Brother!” she said, stepping into my arms.

I pulled her tight and held her, then kissed her forehead. She smiled and gave me a peck on the lips and stepped back. I said goodbye to my dad and then headed to Kara’s house. She was waiting for me in the driveway, having just arrived home from church. She got into my car and we headed to Wendy’s for lunch.