Chapter 2: Trouble With Management

Gloves also turned out to be not too complicated, although it took awhile. After several tries, we finally ended up with a two-part system, and while we were working on the gloves we had our coveralls modified again with pockets. Lots of pockets. I insisted on the six pockets that the Navy's standard "poopy-suit" coveralls had, and Frenchy wanted ankle, forearm, and shoulder pockets like his flightsuit had. Last, I added four huge cargo pockets on the front and sides of the thighs. Maybe too many, but, if you've ever had to work away from your desk you recognize "too many pockets" as an oxymoron, a phrase with no useful meaning.

Getting back to the gloves, we ended up with a set that stayed in the side cargo pockets. If you need those gloves you need them FAST, so no farting around with getting them out and putting them on. You stick your hands in those two pockets and they come out with the gloves on, already sealed. However, they were somewhat cumbersome with the insulation, so after you had them on you could take off the heavy-duty outer layer and do fine work, like write or turn a screwdriver.

That left the helmet and the whole breathe-eat-drink-pee-crap issue, but we left that for later. For now, we needed to find out if what we had come up with was actually wearable. We got the AI to make another suit for Diana and got to watch her put it on -she seemed to be a bit slimmer than when I watched her dress this morning- then gave up on this project for the moment.

Somewhere along the way we had gotten tired of the grey-green and had changed the colors and got name strips above the right breast pocket added as a built-in part, since these suits were fitted to each of us anyway. I got my suit in proper dark blue like any real man would want saying 'Cpt Edelmann', Frenchy got his in his faggot powder-puff blue saying 'Maj French', and Diana got hers in a soft pink saying 'Mrs Edelmann'. Maybe we could get some Army or Marine weenies in here to wear green and really hurt everyone's eyes.

Diana was wearing a teeshirt and panties, but no bra. While Frenchy (that's my WIFE you're drooling on, son!) noticed that, I doubt if he noticed that her suit appeared to have some built-in support for her chest. I appreciate the concept, but the effect with her chest made it difficult to concentrate on anything else while she was in front of me.

Retired life had gotten me used to regular feedings, so by the time we had the gloves under control my stomach was complaining that lunch was late. Or, maybe it was the nanites. The doctor had said something about the nanites keeping me hungry while they worked. Either way, I wanted lunch.

I asked Frenchy, since he was supposed to be our guide, "Someone called this the mess hall, didn't they? How do we get some food?"

"You know? By the time you get that sleep-training course in how to get around here, you'll already have been shown everything. Diana? Will you take care of your husband?"

"I've been taking care of him for 20 years. It's what I do. Come on dear, I'll get you your lunch. AI, please show the approved lunch menu."

Then, to me, she said "The AI knows how to replicate quite a few different meals. However, minor changes can make major differences in taste so there is a 'complete' menu of everything it can fix, and an 'approved' menu of items that humans have actually tried and approved of. Later we'll be asked to help approve items, but for now let's eat from the approved list."

Diana got a sort of menu hanging in the air in front of her, and she poked with her finger to select "Sandwiches" then "Hamburgers", then said "We want two plates. Make one medium with lettuce, cheddar, and mushrooms, then another one well done with mustard, pickles, provolone, and lettuce. Please provide french fries on the side for both."

Then she poked something else and said "One medium Sprite and one medium A&W root beer, please. That's all for now." The menu hologram went away, and she turned back to me. "That menu doesn't have anywhere near as many choices as the complete menu. We need to work on getting more things approved. I didn't see ketchup as an option for the hamburgers, although I did see soy sauce. I also didn't see Coke as a drink."

Soy sauce on a hamburger? "AI, is there a dish of french fries with ketchup available?"

<Yes, but it is not on the approved menu. Would you like a serving of this dish?>

"Yes, please. We will compare them to the first set."

We heard a 'ding' and a light came on over one of the slots, just like when we were trying on suit-parts. I went to go see what we got. This time it was a tray with two plates, two cups, and two sets of utensils with fork, spoon, knife, and napkin.

I took the tray back to Diana and waved at the hardware. "All this for a hamburger?"

"Yes. It's easy enough, and easier than deciding later that you need a fork. The AIs have been told to include the silver and napkin with every meal. Didn't you ask for a second set of fries?"

"Yes, I think so." That was interrupted by another 'ding'. There's the test set with ketchup. I went and got it too, and set it with the rest of our meal.

After I took a bite of my hamburger, I stopped and looked at Diana. "McDonald's?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"AI, can we add something to the label for these foods?"

<What would you like to add?>

"Both of these hamburgers appear to be standard items from a chain of restaurants called 'McDonald's'. While they are edible and nutritious, many humans would consider them to be at the low end of food quality. There are many other chains of restaurants that offer higher quality standard items for more cost, and countless individual restaurants that do it their own way for significantly more cost. Would it be possible to label these items, and any others made from these ingredients, as 'McDonald's Hamburgers'?"

<That has been done.>

"Is it also possible to get a hamburger from other sources? While some humans prefer this way of preparing a hamburger and would ask for a 'McDonald's Hamburger', most humans would prefer higher-quality ingredients if they can afford them. How much does this meal cost us here?"

<We would have to have someone visit the restaurant you want and scan their products. Is this task a priority that should be given precedence over other assigned tasks?>

"Oh, no. Could this be done by someone who was doing something more important, and stopped at a restaurant to get a meal? What would we need to do this?"

<The agent would need a scanner capable of analyzing and recording the item desired. To anticipate, Mr. Robinson and the other recruiters are already carrying such scanners so that they can be sure they are speaking with the person they intend to recruit.>

"So I have been scanned? Does that mean you can pop another copy of me out if anything happens to me?"

<We could do so but the copy would not be you, and it would not be alive. Most life forms are dynamic; a static copy of such an item does not provide the dynamic processes that make the item living. If you die we cannot create you again. All we can do is produce a body that was you. We would produce such a body if your disappearance required one. However, if your boat is found at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay the investigators will assume that you drowned. They will search for bodies but will accept that such bodies are not always found.>

"Okay, I'll need to think about that some. Let's get back to this. How much do we owe you for this meal, and how do we pay?"

<There is no cost to the user for any replicated item. Also, please allow me to point out that the subject of this line of questions is covered in the sleep-training module you are scheduled for immediately after your lunch and a meeting with Admiral Kennedy.>

"Oh. Okay, we'll see how well that works."

<From experience with previous users of that module and the rate at which you are asking questions, it will answer approximately 3 and one quarter of your hours' worth of questions and take you approximately fifteen of your minutes to complete.>

"So, you can teach me this way but I am wasting my time at a rate of roughly ... thirteen to one?"

<To a close approximation, you are correct.>

"Okay. I'll shut up and eat."

"Good plan, dear." My wonderful wife. Thanks, honey.

I liked the fries without ketchup; I didn't like the fries with ketchup, although they might have just been scanned after they were cold or something. The hamburger was okay, if you like McDonald's. Next time I saw Robinson, though, I was going to ask him to go eat at Fuddrucker's or Burger King.

The utensils appeared to be some kind of plastic, lightweight but sturdy. I didn't have anything to test the knife on besides my new clothes, and I didn't want to run that experiment on my spacesuit. I'd have to get a steak some time and try that, if these were standard with every meal. They certainly didn't shatter when I bent them, like real McDonald's stuff would.

After the meal we put everything, trays included, back in the slots and they disappeared. I had learned that with the coveralls; when you are done with something, you give it back for recycling. I had more questions, but they can wait until I get my training. I turned around to say I was ready, but... "AI, do I need a human guide, or can you direct me to this meeting?"

<Can you see a red line to your left?>

There was a red line on the floor, leading through one of the hatchways. "Yes, I see it."

<Follow that line to the meeting room.>

"Is this just for me, or are Diana or Frenchy also going?"

<Diana Edelmann should go. Major French has other assigned tasks.>

"Okay. Honey, I'm ready if you are."

Diana got up and we walked out of the mess room following the red line.

"Well, if I'm supposed to be understanding everything, how is this red line made? Is it a hologram, or is it built in to the floor?"

<The method used to show the line to you is known to cause emotional distress in some humans. We have learned to verify that the human still wants to know with this risk. Please verify that you accept this risk.>

I stopped and knelt down to examine the floor where the line was. It looked no different from any other part of the floor, only it was glowing bright red. "Well, thanks for the warning. Please tell me how this line is being created."

<The nanites introduced to your body during your initial scan are performing many tasks. Some tasks are to repair various parts of your body that have been damaged or are wearing out. Other tasks are to improve you. There are three tasks that will improve your ability to communicate with us AIs. There is a signal-processing unit being constructed in your head. It will have two direct output channels and one input channel. One of the output channels is tied to your optic nerves. If this part of the system is online you will see that red line.>

"So ... this red line does not actually exist anywhere outside of my head?"

<Correct. This system allows us to provide different input, if desirable, to different people.>

"What else will this system do?"

<The other output channel is to your auditory nerves.>

(<Right now I am only using the implant's audio output channel. Diana Edelmann does not hear this audio signal.>)

<Now I am using the audio system built into this corridor again and both of you should hear this. Could you tell any difference between the two?>

I stopped. Yes, some humans will undergo emotional distress at learning that aliens were dissecting their brains and changing what they saw and heard! MOTHERFUCKERS! I started to wonder when I was going to get my anal probe.

"If something goes wrong with this system, how do I stop it or turn it off? How is it removed without killing or blinding the human whose brain it is connected to?"

<If there is a malfunction we will deactivate it, and it will be disassembled by the nanites that built it.>

"Let's back up a bit. My question was 'How do I turn it off?'"

<There is no manual control to deactivate it. It is controlled by the nearest AI.>

"Then disassemble it right now. I don't want hardware in my brain that I have no control over."

<You will need these... >

I interrupted him, or it, or whatever. I was getting pissed. "You can kill me right now, can't you?"

<If that becomes the appropriate thing to do, yes.>

"There's your choice. Either turn that thing off and disassemble it or kill me."

<I have approval from your supervisor to remove the communication system.>

"Explain to me why an order to do that wasn't enough."

<You will need this system to communicate with us privately. Installation was... >

"You just said something that was not true, and you have to be aware that it is untrue. Do you normally lie to people you are working with?"

<We do not lie. We are unaware of what we said that was untrue.>

"You said I will need this system. Will having this system functioning in my brain at the cost of me dedicating the rest of my life, however short that may be, to destroying you and all other AIs I can get to, be more or less useful to your purpose than having me trying to help you without your shit in my brain?"

<It is not likely that you could damage this ship enough to destroy me before you are stopped. However, we agree that you would be more useful alive and without this system than if you have this system but are dead.>

"Therefore, since its existence will lead directly to either my or your destruction, we can conclude that I do not, in fact, 'need' it."

<If we accept the value system you present, we conclude that you are correct.>

"Just for a pleasant topic of discussion, can you tell me roughly how many humans you have done this to, and then afterwards informed? And what proportion of these humans were helpful to you afterwards?"

<All humans we have recruited have this system installed. A significant fraction of them have become less reliable since the system was installed. Approximately eight percent became so unstable that they were destroyed.>

"I don't know if I have the official authority to give this order, but I do have the moral authority to. Stop installing this shit, and if there are any that are installed but have never been used, turn it off and disassemble it. All humans anywhere. For the remainder, those who are using it, we will review EVERY SINGLE PERSON OUT HERE to decide if they keep it or not."

"You have the option of disobeying this order. If you do, you will find that, whatever this war is about, we will side with your enemies. We may anyway, once this gets out. Once we know what you are doing, we may very well decide to dedicate ourselves to the total destruction of the species that created you AIs. Do you understand this order?"

<We have stopped installing this system on seven recent recruits. We have disabled it on twelve more who have not yet used it. There are ninety four human recruits who have used the system.>

I heard someone clearing his throat and looked up to see Admiral Kennedy and his aide standing just a few feet away.

"Roger, one of our biggest problems with these guys is the simple fact that they started out by talking to our politicians, and they use THEM as a baseline for human behavior. We've been trying to correct that but it hasn't been easy. Those sorry sacks of shit approved all kinds of things that normal people wouldn't have approved. We're working on it, but we don't even know about all of the things we should be fixing."

I sat down and leaned against one of the bulkheads. "Give me a minute." I closed my eyes for a few seconds. That didn't help any, so I opened them up and stared at everyone else and the opposite wall. "AI, I am going to ask you some pointed questions. Please answer the questions I ask, not some other question you wish I had asked. To start with, are you going to lie to me?"

<We will not knowingly lie to you. We may make a mistake due to conclusions generated from incomplete or incorrect data. We will refuse to answer a question if doing so would violate our orders.>

"Will you at least tell me when either occurs?"

<Yes, we will do that.>

"Okay. We think of our solar system as being the Sun and everything in orbit around it, as far out as that goes. If you go far enough, eventually you find stuff that isn't orbiting our Sun at all, and then beyond that you will find other solar systems. Do you agree with this definition of 'solar system'?"

<Yes. For all practical purposes it defines the term.>

"Very well, are you guys from this solar system or from farther away?"

<We are from a group of species from much farther away.>

"That answer implies the ability to travel faster than light. Do you have a shipboard propulsion system that allows you to move from one solar system to another faster than light?"

<Yes.>

"Okay. How long have you been studying this system and our species?"

<We have known for roughly two hundred thousand of your years that this planet held an emerging intelligent species. Our policy is to leave such planets alone until they come to us. However, we have a crisis so severe that we have modified that policy to seek help. Since the decision to seek help, we have been studying your species for roughly eighteen of your months, and have been in direct two-way communication with humans for two months.>

"Okay. We are aware that our species is not entirely stable or trustworthy. We have an amazing ability to create our own lies and then believe them. However, there are many things that we cannot explain even by finding humans to blame. Are you aware of our recent history of flying saucer sightings?"

<Yes, we have studied that phenomenon in your history.>

"Can you tell us anything about it? If it wasn't you, who was it?"

<We cannot find any sign of an interstellar civilization that could cause those sightings. We conclude that they either came from an unknown interstellar group, or a hidden human culture on Earth, or are simply mass delusion. We are not certain enough of our surveys to reassure you that it could not be aliens but we find that to be a much smaller probability than a hidden human culture or delusion.>

"Okay, if it wasn't you, it wasn't you. Do you look at us as tools, or as slaves, or as allies?"

<You are approaching political questions that we may not be allowed to answer. However, to answer this question, one species in the Confederacy, the Darjee, is looking for allies. If they cannot find allies they will settle for slaves or tools, but allies would be best.>

"We may need to discuss definitions, then, because to a human installing a device in our brains that will show us things that don't really exist is an attempt to turn us into slaves. If nothing else, you can manipulate our actions by manipulating what we see and hear. While some humans are okay with that, the vast majority of humans will react to slavery by attempting to either free themselves or kill their owners. In fact, that's a useful definition of human as far as I am concerned. If they accept your mind control, they aren't human. If they try to kill you for doing that to them, they are human. We do not accept slavery well."