Chapter 10

Kevin went to the bar and poured two fingers of Si’s. “Want one?”

Ben glanced at him then said. “Si’s? Well, as long as you’re having one I better have one too. This must be a doozy.”

“Kinda, I realized I was not the same person a few months ago.” He handed his father his drink and sat down.

“And?” Ben said.

“I didn’t like it at all. I realized that doing what’s right as a man isn’t anywhere as simple as it is for a kid. I’ve killed seventeen people. No matter how much I hated some of them or how much they deserved it I destroyed something that had value. I have to live with that and be ready to do it again. That’s hard.”

Ben tilted his head as his brow furrowed. “Seventeen?”

Kevin sipped his drink then nodded. “One as a gift, three on the raids. I did those myself. I agreed the hacker had to die. I am responsible for his death, all the FBI agent’s deaths and our agent’s death. I didn’t do it, but I agreed with you and the chief when the decision was made. That makes me responsible too.”

“The hacker and FBI agents hurt. They were people doing their jobs. The hacker died because we hired him to begin with. They died because they were pieces on a chessboard in a game they weren’t playing.”

Ben turned it over in his mind a moment and said. “You’re not quite right. I do see your point. The agents with the hacker fit the description. It was supposed to be an assassination, not a bloodbath. The hacker was a seasoned pro who knew the risks involved.”

“We would have saved him if we could. There wasn’t time. The other agents were a direct threat to us. So much so, our man suicided to keep us safe from them. There’s no need to feel extra guilty over them. They were warriors. You have a share of the responsibility, so do they. They chose that line of work.”

“I know. I found out some other things about myself that I don’t like.”

“What’s that?” Ben said.

“I’m meaner than hell, and that doesn’t sit well with me.”

Ben jaw dropped a bit as his eyes widened. “Why would you say that? I know you can be an asshole when you’re mad. Almost everyone is.”

“I...” Kevin looked away in frustration. “I enjoyed killing those men. All I could think about is how they had hurt me. I’m happy they’re dead. Good people don’t do that.”

“Go on,” Ben said.

Kevin’s expression darkened. “That evening Meghan took me downstairs to yell at me. She said some things that about made me lose my mind. I almost beat her. It took every last thing in me to keep from stomping her. I love her, and I was going to hurt her. That’s not right.”

Ben nodded. “No, it isn’t. I’m glad you didn’t. It would’ve upset me to put you in the ER.” Ben sighed. “Son, you’re putting too much on yourself. Donnie died then somebody starts screaming at you. You’re going to flip. That’s normal.”

“It’s also normal to want to hurt those who hurt you. What’s important in Meg’s case is you didn’t. No matter how small a margin you missed it. You missed it. You were acting like a good person right then no matter how you felt. You didn’t beat her.”

“She should have had the sense to give you some space. She had a right to be mad. It could have waited a day or two once we found out about Donnie.”

Ben pointed at Kevin. “The fact is you showed remarkable character by not kicking her ass. So quit thinking you’re not a good person because you are. Nobody has ever told you being an adult is easy. We have told you that we’ll stand beside you and help.”

“I know and I appreciate it. I thought I understood responsibility. What I knew was nothing compared to this.”

Ben pulled a bottle from his desk and freshened their drinks. “Here, we need something a little gentler than Si’s. Besides, I only have five cases left, and I’m wanting to pass two of them to you. You’re right, though. You’ve had to adjust to a whole new world where people live and die by your decisions. People who had wives, or husbands, and children of their own. You have to put their families in the balance against our people’s needs.”

“When I retire, you’ll have not only Clan people who look to you but our employees. They’ll count on you to run our companies right, so they can feed their families. That can mean firing someone you love who’s not pulling their weight. No matter how much they beg to stay.” Ben leaned forward. “One of the harder things to learn is being responsible to yourself for yourself.”

“What does that mean? I know that I’m supposed to watch what I do.”

“You have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself. You have to give the same concern that you have for those you love and lead to yourself.”

Kevin shook his head. “This doesn’t make sense. If I don’t set the example how am I supposed to lead?”

“Over the years, you’ll make plenty enough sacrifices. From the moment the war started, you became a leader of our people. That means you are on duty until the day you die.”

Kevin sighed.

“You’ve seen the changes it’s already made. There will be more. How it affects you is in large part up to you. If you don’t make sure your needs are met when they can be you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Don’t shortchange yourself to show what a good leader you are. Shortchange yourself only when that’s what a good leader would do because your follower needs it more than you.”

“C’mon Kevin, you’re eighteen. Cut yourself some slack. Most kids have no idea what you’ve accomplished and lived through. You have a right to some well-deserved pride. Pride in doing the best you could in hard situations and your best was enough. You did it. You may not have done it as well as a seasoned pro, but you weren’t a seasoned pro and you got it done. That’s worth being proud of.” Ben said tapping his desk for emphasis.

“Thank you. That helps a lot. I was expecting myself to be like you and Tom and John. I was sweating because I’m nowhere close.”

“The biggest difference is experience and that takes time. You’ll be fine. Have you figured out who’s marrying who? The clock’s ticking.”

Kevin’s exasperation was obvious. “You’re telling me. It feels like one of those I lose either way deals. If I piss Meghan off, she might cut off my Greasy Taters.”

“WHAT!”

Kevin chuckled then said. “No, the food. She’s my slave she’s not allowed to cut me off the other way.”

Ben’s eyes became calculating. “Where did you meet her again?”

“There isn’t anymore. I went back and looked.”

“Damn it.”

Kevin said. “The last time I pissed Carly off I had to let her kick my ass. I can’t hit her anyway, because she’s pregnant. I’m stuck.”

“Don’t look at me. I’m not marrying you. I already have a wife.”

Kevin gave his dad puppy eyes. “Aww ... but why?” He cracked up at his dad’s expression then said. “Seriously, what should I do?”

Ben said: “You have to marry one of them. Unless you want to piss both of them off you have to give them as much time as possible to plan for it. Momma and I decided we would cover the venue and the catering. You, sir, get to cover the bridal gown, tux, and honeymoon. You need to sit with both of them and decide who the unlucky lady is.”

“The one who doesn’t marry me?”

“No, lug nut. The one who does.”

“My buddy.”

“Why are we meeting in our safe room?” Carly asked.

“Because we’re having our first family meeting since we married and I felt it should be in our home. This is the only spot other than my office that has furniture. I thought our first should be in a neutral space.” Kevin said as he wrote into a leather-bound book.

“What’s that?” Meghan asked.

“Two things. I wrote down the day and time, so I could have a plague made and hung somewhere in the house as a keepsake. I’m also starting a family book that can be passed down of days and events. Momma has one, and I’ll copy hers out by hand and add to it then we pass it down.”

“That’s cool!” Carly said: “Why are we meeting?”

“We need to decide who’s having a public wedding. We are already married, but we have to follow the Chief’s orders.”

“What’s it mean if he banishes us for life? Does that mean we move away? I don’t want to move away from grandma and grandpa, but we could visit.” Carly said.

Kevin set his pen down and turned his full attention to her. “You don’t understand, do you?”

“I guess not.”

“To be banished for life means no one will ever speak to you again. Anyone who does is banished.”

Carly looked worried. “Grandpa would never speak to me again? Grandma either?” She said.

Kevin shook his head as he carefully mouthed: “No. Never. The Chieftain was being extremely merciful by even considering banishment.”

“How’s that mercy?”

“I was born Kevin Ray Rogers of the Ryder Clan.”

Carly looked at him puzzled. “O ... K.”

Kevin lifted his shirt and showed her the dime-sized brand hidden in the hair of his right underarm. “This brand means I am a Rider of the Ryder Clan. That’s the mafia part of the Mellow Mafia as you like to call us. The only way a Rider leaves is death. If my father wasn’t his right-hand man, I would be killed like that hacker. I was hoping he wouldn’t take it that far. I was betting my life on what I believed.”

Carly’s eyes were wide as she whispered. “You mean that.”

Kevin nodded sharply. “My word. Now, we need to figure out this public wedding. My problem is I’m afraid if I ask one of you it would be seen as favoritism. How are we going to do this?”

Meghan said: “It should be Carly. She’s pregnant, and you two are the right ages. Nobody would think twice.”

“Carly?”

She shook her head. “It makes sense, but I’m throwing mom under the bus. When we’re in public, everybody will call me Mrs. Rogers when she’s Mrs. Rogers, too. That’s not fair. I raised hell when I was being cheated. Now, you want me to cheat her!”

Meghan took Carly’s hand and said: “Princess, this is the only way we can be together. One of us has to have a public marriage with him. Look at it this way, I have my special place. I’m his slave. You’ll have your special place being his public wife. We’re sharing him, and we each have something special that’s ours. Isn’t that fair?”