Chapter 17: Date Night

“I can’t feel my fuckin’ cock,” Hernandez groaned, walking with a limp as he followed Evan down the corridor. “I’m more beat up than you are right now, and you actually got your ass kicked.”

“You fucked a Borealan, what did you expect?” Evan replied. “She must weigh three times what you do. What was it like, anyway?”

“You’d think they wouldn’t be as tight as a Valbaran on account of their size, but those kegels, man. She could probably turn my fuckin’ fingers to bone dust.”

“Too much information, Hernandez,” Evan sighed.

“What can I tell you that isn’t obvious?” he continued, pausing to take a breather. Evan stopped beside him, leaning against the bulkhead, the pair waiting until an engineer in a yellow uniform had passed them by. “She’s tall, she’s strong, body like a goddamned gym rat. Tits the size of my head, abs like steel, the whole package,” he added with an exaggerated chef’s kiss. “She could probably pick a lock with that tongue of hers.”

“Do you even have a type, or are you just willing to fuck anything that has a pulse?” Evan chided. “I’m not seeing a pattern.”

“Hey, I’m at the buffet table here,” he replied with a grin. “Not my fault alien babes keep fallin’ into my lap. I see an opportunity, I take it. Why are you suddenly so interested in what I do with my dick, anyway?”

“What’s it like?” Evan asked, his tone becoming more serious. “Being with an alien, I mean.”

“In what way?” Hernandez replied, cocking a suspicious eyebrow at him.

“Okay, so their bodies are different from yours, right?” Evan continued as Hernandez nodded along. “I assume you have to find out if you’re actually compatible before you ... take things further. Then what? How do you get with someone who’s so ... different? Where do you even start?”

“Why the sudden interest?” Hernandez asked, narrowing his eyes. “I’ve been givin’ girls from here to Fort Hamilton a taste of Earth’s finest for years, and you ain’t never asked me that. When I asked Garcia what you were doin’ when me and Tatzi were breakin’ down cultural barriers last night, he told me you’d gone off on your own with Jade.”

“Jade’s my friend,” Evan replied, feeling his cheeks start to warm. “Why wouldn’t I hang out with her?”

“Uh-huh,” Hernandez said skeptically. “You never did tell me why you and Foster got into a punch-up. Somethin’ had to have set him off. My guess is he caught you two havin’ a little soirée together.”

“That’s-”

“You’re as good at lyin’ as I am at turnin’ down alien pussy, Evan,” Hernandez chuckled. “If you want my advice, here it is; don’t overthink things.”

“Don’t overthink things,” Evan repeated without really understanding. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you think too much, and you’ll sabotage yourself if you let your noggin do the walkin’. Think of it this way,” he continued, putting a reassuring hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Either Jade already knows what equipment you’re packin’, or she’s in the same boat you are. She’s not gonna expect you to know the ins and outs of ... whatever the fuck Jarilans have between their legs. I doubt you could even look that shit up on the intranet.”

“Oh fuck,” Evan whispered, his eyes widening. “Do you think she’s looked up human anatomy?”

“I’m sayin’ it doesn’t matter,” Hernandez continued. “If you both want this, you’ll find a way to make it work together. Remember, it takes two to tango.”

“I’m not even sure if it’s going to happen yet,” he sighed, sagging back against the wall. “She kissed me, then she asked me to date her. Maybe I’m jumping the gun, but there’s something about her that just ... gets in my head. I didn’t even know that I could be attracted to someone like her. A few days ago, I would have balked at the idea, but the more I think about her...”

“She’s part human, right?” Hernandez replied with a shrug. “Maybe that has somethin’ to do with it. I’m just happy you’ve finally met someone that you like. I was startin’ to think you were asexual or somethin’.”

“I actually feel a little better,” Evan marveled, standing up straight again. “Who knew you’d actually give me good advice?”

“So, what did you have in mind for our date?” Jade asked, holding Evan’s hand tightly in hers as they made their way down the Omaha’s winding hallways. She seemed undeterred by their encounter with Foster the night before, and even though Evan feared that some of his crewmates might react negatively to seeing them together, her confidence was infectious.

“I thought we could go out for a meal,” he replied. “Well, assault carriers aren’t exactly known for their fine dining experience, so I hope you won’t mind if we pretend the mess hall is a fancy restaurant.”

“I’m willing to suspend my disbelief,” she said with a smile.

“I was able to appropriate a few MREs,” Evan added, raising the shopping bag that he was carrying. “I figured it might be fun for you to try out a few different dishes, considering that you only eat honey.”

“You ... do realize that I can’t eat solid food, right?” Jade asked. “I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that before.”

“I know,” he replied cryptically, Jade choosing not to press him further.

They arrived at the mess hall, functionally identical to the one where Evan and his friends had been briefed back on the Spratley before their first deployment. It was one of the largest rooms on the ship, the tables that had been recessed into the floor now folded out, surrounded by chairs of varying sizes that could accommodate the different Coalition species. They were occupied by only a couple of hundred people, which was pretty light for a carrier of this size, probably because so many of the crew members were deployed. The scent of cooking food wafted over from the glass counter at the far end of the room, but Evan had packed his own lunch, so he led Jade over to a secluded table at the opposite end of the hall.

He swung the bag up onto its surface, Jade cocking her head curiously when she heard a heavier thunk than she had been anticipating. They slid into opposite seats, Evan starting to stack the loose MRE packets in a pile, reading off the contents as he went. He’d tried to get as many varied dishes as possible, because he had no real idea of what Jade would like. She ate honey and enjoyed sweet drinks, but there were few main courses that matched that description. Still, he’d been able to get a little creative.

“I still don’t know what you’re planning,” she said, crossing both pairs of arms as she leaned back in her chair. Evan reached into the bag again, Jade’s eyes widening as he set another item on the table. “Is that-”

“A cordless blender,” he said proudly.

“Two questions,” she continued, raising two fleshy fingers. “Where and how?”

“It wasn’t actually that hard to find,” he replied, plucking one of the packets from the pile. “An engineer who likes margaritas let me borrow it in exchange for three days of my alcohol ration. Now you can try whatever you want, as long as it can blend.”

“Okay,” she said, leaning forward to rest her upper elbows on the table. “I admit it – that’s a pretty good idea.”

“What do you want to try first?” he asked, waving a packet at her. “I’d ask you what kind of food you like, but since you’ve never eaten before...”

“Got anything sweet?” she said, glancing over at the stack.

“How about this?” he continued, checking the label on another meal. “This one is chicken chunks in a sweet and sour sauce. That’s pretty close to honey, I think.”

“Let’s give it a whirl,” she said with a smile.

“I get it,” he chuckled dryly. “Whirl, because it’s a blender, right? Oh, should we cook it first? You won’t burn your ... uh ... tube-thing, will you?”

“It’s called a proboscis,” she reminded him, then shook her head. “No, I won’t burn myself. It’s meant to be cooked, right?”

She watched curiously as he opened a flameless ration heater, filling it with water from a canteen, then inserted the packet. He folded it closed, then leaned it against another MRE to keep it relatively upright.

“No wonder they designed us to only eat honey,” she mused as she watched the steam rise from the pouch. “You guys have to carry around all of this extra gear just to keep yourselves fed. You need all these varieties of food, but we only need a liquid diet. I could probably fit days of rations into the space that just one of your MREs takes up.”

“Technically, humans could subsist on a lot less food,” he explained. “They could give us a nutrient loaf that would take up a fraction of the space and keep us healthy enough to fight. That’s not really the point, though. Humans need novelty. They’d get bored if they had to eat the same thing for every meal. That’s something they do to prisoners as a punishment. Rations are as much about morale as nutrition.”

“I hope you’re not about to expand my horizons too much,” Jade said, her face plates arranging into a convincing smirk. “Am I going to have to carry around a blender everywhere I go from now on?”

“I’m not sure MRE chicken will have that effect,” he chuckled. “If you ever make it to Earth, maybe you can go to a real gourmet place and try some five-star food. I don’t think the chef would appreciate you blending their meals, though.”

It didn’t take long for the food to cook, Evan lifting it out of the pouch tentatively, careful not to scald his fingers. He removed the lid from the blender, tilting it so that he could glance inside.

“Here’s hoping this won’t make all of Montgomery’s margaritas taste like sweet and sour sauce from now on,” he muttered as he upended the packet into it. Sticky was an understatement, the chunks of chicken breast sliding out along with globs of orange-yellow sauce. It smelled great, Jade apparently picking it up too, her antennae wiggling happily. He hit the button at the base of the blender, holding the lid down as it vibrated in his hands. After a few pulses, he had reduced the meal to a thick paste that didn’t look too far away from Jade’s honey in color and consistency.

“How’s this?” he asked, Jade leaning closer to examine the concoction.

“Looks good,” she replied. “Maybe not very appetizing to a human, but I have a taste for paste.”

Evan produced a collapsible bowl, then poured the syrupy mixture out of the blender, sliding the resulting dish across the table towards her. She cupped it in her hands, raising it as though she was about to take a sniff of the wisps of steam that were rising from it. Instead, she brought her antennae down, waving them over it. The chitin plates that made up the lower portion of her face split open to reveal the flesh beneath, parting like a beak, her tongue-like proboscis snaking forth. The sight no longer bothered Evan – he had grown used to it by now. She plunged it into the bowl, taking a hesitant sip, Evan watching the subtle bulge travel up the fleshy tube. Her eyes lit up, and she took a few more sips, her antennae waving again.

“Hey, that’s not bad at all!” she said as she raised the bowl a little higher. “I didn’t even know my proboscis had this many taste buds.”

“Don’t fill up,” Evan said, sifting through the remaining packets. “This is just the first course.”

“What about you?” she asked. “Aren’t you having anything?”

“Oh, right,” he muttered as he fished out a packet for himself. “Maybe I’ll have a little of what you have, and we can try the different menus together?”

“Alright,” she replied cheerfully.

“Next up is pepperoni pizza,” Evan continued. Jade waited for her vacuum-sealed square of pizza to cook excitedly, finishing off the rest of her sweet and sour chicken. It was the first time that he had seen her this animated. Her eyes were bright, and her antennae were waving as though caught in a breeze. This really must be a totally new experience for her.

When it was ready, he split the pizza in half, tossing one of the pieces into the blender.

“This is either going to be really gross or really good,” he warned as he took a bite out of his share. Holding his pizza in his mouth, he pulsed the blender again, reducing its contents down to a fine powder. “Shit, it’s too dry,” he muttered. “Better add a little water.”

When he got it to the right consistency, he poured it out into her now-empty bowl, Jade eyeing this dish a little more suspiciously. She gave it a sniff, or what passed for one, then took a drink. This time, she grimaced, slowly sliding the bowl away from her so as not to be too impolite.

“This one is, uh ... a little more creative,” she said as she took a drink from his canteen to cleanse her palate.

“Yeah, I guess not all food can be blended,” he conceded as he took another bite out of his pizza. “Pizza is mostly about the contrasting textures, the doughy crust, the crisp pepperoni slices. Let’s try something else. A dessert, maybe. Something fruity.” He picked up a couple of smaller packets from the pile, reading off the labels. “Here we go, grape jelly,” he said as he handed it to Jade. She examined it, then tore it open, bringing her moth-like antennae close once again. Inserting her proboscis directly into the packet, she took a sip, unhindered by the thicker consistency.