As you will notice, this is all written with a north London accent. Almost all"H"'s are dropped e.g 'ouse-House, 'eads-Heads, 'ave- Have etc. I have written He's as 'ees and Handsome as 'aandsome because people from that area tend to stretch out those words.
Slang words some people may not be familiar with are listed below.
Beemer – BMW
Bell – Telephone call
Bird – Time in prison
Bog - Toilet
Bollocks - can mean rubbish or testicles, depending on context
Bollocksed – broken, ruined
Brass Monkey (weather) – Cold weather. Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
Chokey – prison
(H)andsome – really nice
Krauts – Germans
Old Bill - Police
Porkin(g) – fucking
I was not due back for another nine hours, maybe more. Well that was what I had told her. It was a lie.
Why? Well about six months ago I learned that my wife of forty two years is seeing another man. This had shocked me, for two main reasons, one, I thought we 'ad something special, I really did. The other, well I sort of told her many years ago that er, well if I ever caught her shagging around on me, well er, plain and simple, I would kill him, no doubt resulting with me getting an 'oliday at 'er majesties expense. Thing is, I meant it an' she bloody well knew it.
The thing is, I don't really wanna do no bird, I'm a little past me sell by, y'know. I thought about getting one o' me old muckers to do it for me, but where's the satisfaction in that?
When I found out, she were doin' some fucker, I wanted to know who, so I bugged me 'ouse. As soon as I found out who it were, I knew it would be a piece of piss to do 'im, but my little eavesdroppers heard that they 'ad a plan. And than plan meant they took me for a bigger cunt than they already were. Not content with fuckin' on the sly, behind me back. They wanted me banged up an' them high and dry livin' off me readies. Gotta give their due, if I 'adn't cottoned on to 'em and 'eard what they was up to, it would've probably worked.
So 'ere I am, sitting in a me back garden, waiting for the bitch to come home an' fuck Derek Clapton, that cunt boss of 'ers. Boy am I goin' to surprise 'em.
I didn't have to wait long before they pull up in 'is beemer, it was funny watchin' em try to sneak in without alertin' the neighbours.
I give 'em five minutes before I headed in to join 'em. I'm gonna say some things to 'em and them things is gonna fuck their 'eads right up, especially 'ers.
I walked over and went in to see the lovebirds, hearing me enter they pulled away from each other.
"Jane, Derek". I said nodding a greeting.
Their faces were a picture, imagine two epileptic goldfish havin' fits while someone sticks a few thousand volts in the bowl. I smiled at them and asked. "Drink anyone"?
I walked over to the sideboard and got a bottle of spiced wine out of it, "I made it meself, it's a German recipe, the Krauts they call it Gluhwine".
"You gotta try this Derek me old mate, it's bloody 'aandsome".
"No, no I have to get going". He replied nervously.
"That's bollocks an' we all know it, you'd planned on stayin' the night, an' it's alright, jus' carry on as if I weren't 'ere, you seemed to be doin' alright 'til I disturbed you, sorry about that".
"You don't mind? I thought you would be angry". Said Jane, she seemed confused, good!
"Nah love, we both know I ain't up to much these days, bugger me I ain't been near you for months. I know you got needs an' all". I said. The truth is I 'adn't been near 'er since I found out about 'er boyfriend.
I walked over to the fire and picked up the poker, I smiled as I heard them both gasp. I bent down an stuck it in the hot coals. Leaving it there I returned to the sideboard and pulling three glasses out poured the gluhwine into them. I took the glasses and placed them on the mantle piece before extracting the poker from the fire, I then pokered the drinks, a pleasant fruity aroma filled the room.
"It's best drunk warm, you can warm it with in a saucepan or you can nuke it, but I like the traditional method".
I placed the poker back in the companion set, to the relief of my companions.
"That is nice". Complimented Derek after a taste. "Sweet and warming".
"No, not for me". Said Jane holding a hand up.
"I'll have it then"? I replied pulling back the glass.
"Can you get me a glass of water"? She asked.
"Of course dear". I replied going to get her one.
"Thankyou darling, are you really sure you are okay with Derek being here"?
I shrugged. "of course I am dear, 'ere, Derek, I got these a while back from the docs, they didn't do me no good, but seeings you're here to do my job, you might as well 'ave em, they don't work on me". I said pulling a blister pack from my pocket and offering it to him.
"Uuhh". He said vacantly as he took them from me.
"Cialis, y'know viagra, I hear it works wonders". Adding despondently. "IF it works".
Neither of them had relaxed any, I topped up our glasses with Jane's and fetched the poker.
"Look, don't let me bein' 'ere put you off, I'd go for a walk, but it's real brass monkey weather out there, off you go you two, go and play upstairs, I'll watch something on the telly, give us a shout if you need anything. Go on then, off you go". I said waving them out with my hands. They didn't move I gave them a gentle push.
Whether it was compliance, instinct or just the urge to hide from me they started to move.
"If you take one of those pills it may help you get over any anxiety, go on have fun. I'm tellin' you, you won't be disappointed. Come down afterwards and we can have a bit of a chat once you've relaxed a bit, sorry again if I've made things awkward".
I heard them talking, I couldn't hear what was being said. It seemed forever before I head the bed start to move, a bit longer before I began to hear Jane making those little squeaks of pleasure that I knew so well. The thumping, of the mattress gained urgency as her squeaks became pants and then pure animal grunts. A tear formed in my eye as I remembered it used to be me causing her to make those sounds. I popped out into the garden, I 'ad to do something. When I came back in I was shivering, it was bleedin' cold outside. It had gone quiet upstairs, I sat down, after ten minutes I began to wonder that they had fallen asleep.
Then I heard someone get out of bed and go to the bog, sounded like Derek. I listened to it flush then I heard voices again, closely followed by footsteps on the stairs.
"Is it ok if we come down"? Jane asked meekly.
"Jesus christ woman, stop trying to be all coy, I've told you it's alright 'aven't I". I said allowing a little too much frustration to show. "No really babe it's okay, you enjoyed yourself didn't you". I added softly, trying to be reassuring.
"Yes but you had always told me, er, you know, what you would do if I was to se, see anyone". She said nervously.
"Yeah well, time, situations, things change, y'know. What can I say, that was then, this is now. Now call lover boy down an' we'll have a chat".
She called him and he came down. He had my dressing gown on the cheeky cunt, but I kept me gob shut, maintained my temper. I got them sat on the sofa together, all cuddled up together, nice like. I got them drinks, water for her and more gluhwine for me an' Derek.
"Well then Derek, I assume you have enjoyed my wife, live up to your expectations did it? Of course it did, she's always been a goer".
"Now, Derek do you mind if I ask you a few questions"? I asked.
"No, I don't suppose I do, go ahead, ask away". He replied, still sounding a little nervous.
"Well Derek, I'd always thought that your relationship with Jane was a little er, shall we say, strained. She'd always blamed you for 'er missing out on that promotion last year".
"Yes, that's true".