Sunshine: Large breasted woman. Lingerie model.
Desmond: Geeky-looking guy. Scriptwriter.
Herbert Chin: Overweight, balding, middle-aged man. Porn Movie Producer.
Misty: Porn Starlet
Tracy: Porn Starlet
Buster Beaver: Male porn star.
Johnny Rubber: Male porn star
Pan across a bedroom in which there is a large double bed and a mirror closet. Focus on the reflection of a naked woman, Sunshine, who is masturbating loudly and enthusiastically with a vibrator. Zoom in on her crotch.
Masturbation: 5 minutes.
Pan back to the mirror closet. Focus on the reflection of a naked man, Desmond, whose penis is limp. He sits on the bed next to Sunshine.
Desmond: It's no fucking use. It's just not happening.
Sunshine: Are you sure it's nothing to do with me?
Desmond: Nothing at all. It's all me and nobody else. It's because nothing's happening with my writing that nothing's happening downstairs.
Sunshine: Let's put on a porno. That usually does the trick...
Desmond picks up a remote control and points it at a flat 56 inch TV screen. He scrolls down a selection of porn films. His face expresses acute dissatisfaction. He selects a film almost randomly and the screen displays a scene with a famous female porn star such as Jesse Jane or Kayden Kross being fucked by an equally famous male porn star such as Tom Gunn or James Deen. Desmond strokes his long penis desultorily, but it doesn't stir.
Desmond: It's not doing a fucking thing for me. It's my film scripts. Nobody's buying them. None of the agents. None of the studios. I write them. I proof them. I send them out. And it's nothing but one rejection after another.
Sunshine: What kind of scripts are they?
Desmond: Everything you can think of! Scripts for sitcoms. Scripts for television dramas. Scripts for blockbusters. Scripts for Rom Coms. Scripts for thrillers. Scripts for TV, cinema and the internet. I throw out the bait and no one's biting.
Desmond and Sunshine sit together on the bed silently. In the background can be heard the gasps, shrieks and screams of the female porn star (such as Stoya or Riley Steele) and more measured grunts from the male porn star. Sunshine grips Desmond's cock and strokes it while they stare at the television.
Sunshine: I think the solution's right in front of us...
Desmond: What do you mean?
Sunshine: Just look at the screen.
Desmond: You mean Bobby's Big Bazookas or whatever it's called.
Sunshine: I bet the film's not called anything like that. The ones here have names like Fashionista, Friends and Family and Roommates. If you didn't know they were porn you'd never guess from the titles. A lot of porn films these days have proper stories with characters and acting and stuff. Doesn't that suggest an opportunity?
Desmond: Even though the production standards are low, the acting skills even lower and the dialogue as wooden as the actors' pricks, I bet it's not an easy industry to get into...
Sunshine: Unless you've got a contact from inside the industry...
Desmond: Do you know anyone?
Sunshine: Not everyone like me who works in the fashion industry can make ends meet unless they do other stuff. One of the girls I worked with on the M & S shoot also works for an international porn studio. I think it's called Heavenly Wind Studios, so it doesn't even sound like it makes porn,
Desmond: Is your friend a porn star? Does she get fucked by men and women in front of the camera?
Sunshine: I don't think Tammy's got the looks for that sort of thing, unless she side-lines as a fluffer. She's not a model like me. She works in make-up. And she does make-up for Heavenly Wind Studios too.
Desmond: What does she do? Touch up nipples and shave crotches?
Sunshine: I haven't asked. And I don't think Tammy likes to talk about it much. She might lose her job at the advertising agency if they knew she also worked in porn. I only found out because she'd mentioned a girl whose name I remembered from one of the online porn movies we watch together. Something like Alicia Rhodes, I think. She confessed it all to me, but she made me swear not to tell anyone.
Desmond: And you think she could introduce me to someone from Heavenly Wind Studios who could get me a job writing film scripts for porn movies?
Sunshine: It's worth a try, isn't it? I'll tell her my boyfriend writes top quality scripts and could write something for Heavenly Wind Studios. I'll tell her about the episodes you wrote for Hollyoaks and Emmerdale...
Desmond: Don't forget Holby City and Waterloo Road...
Sunshine: ... and with luck they'll jump at the chance to take on the services of a proper scriptwriter.
Desmond: And you'd do that for me?
Sunshine: If it gets your prick as stiff as it's got with me just talking about it, then it'll be worth it!
Sunshine and Desmond have sex together. Sunshine sucks Desmond's cock for about five minutes. Desmond fucks Sunshine in the following positions: doggie, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl and anal. Finish with facial.
Total Sex Scene: 15 minutes.
Focus on a door whose name plaque reads: Herbert Chin – Producer. The door opens to reveal the Producer sitting at a desk on which there is a computer screen and keyboard. He is looking at the screen while jerking energetically at the cock which protrudes through his suit trousers. The camera scans towards Desmond who is standing nervously by the door and doesn't appear sure of what to say. Herbert notices Desmond and stands up to greet him. He unhurriedly tucks his penis into his trousers and pulls up his flies. He extends to Desmond the hand he's just been using to stroke his penis.
Herbert: You must be Des Thompson. Pleased to meet you.
Desmond (reluctantly shaking Herbert's hand): Likewise.
Desmond discreetly brushes his hand on the back of his trousers while Herbert paces about the office in a proprietorial manner.
Herbert: So you wanna try your hand at writing porn then, Des.
Desmond: It's what I've always wanted to do.
Herbert: Don't shit me, Des. No one's always wanted to write porn: at least not for pornos. You scriptwriter guys want to write like fucking David Hare, Joe Orton or even Ben Elton. None of you ever got into this game 'cause you wanted to write the bit of dialogue between sex scenes that keeps a porno together.
Desmond: You've got me there...
Herbert: But I see you've written stuff for Holby City and some kids' TV. Was it for CBBC or Nickelodeon?
Herbert: In my experience the best porn scriptwriters are those who're also good at writing for kids' TV. I guess it's much the same in many ways: just that pornos are a lot more juvenile. So, Des, there's a few things you need to know about pornos. I take it you've seen a few, ain'tcha?
Desmond: A few.
Herbert: The dialogue ain't sexy. It ain't dramatic. And it most definitely ain't Shakespeare. All pornos these days are about two and half to three hours. That's one DVD's worth. There are five scenes and at least one of them has to be girl-girl. More than two scenes and the costs go up appreciably. There are usually five or six chicks in a film and two or three guys and often extras for group sex or threesomes. The chicks earn more than the guys but it's the guys who have the hardest job: and that's to provide wood, even when they've long tired from fucking a bitch who doesn't give a shit about him. But you don't script the sex stuff. That's sort of worked out on the day after the script's been delivered. You understand, Des?
Desmond: Yes. Of course.
Herbert: The five scenes in a porno aren't the same as the three acts of a mainstream movie. It's not really about a beginning, a middle and an end. It's about five minutes or so of scene-setting and up to half-an-hour of fucking. Repeated five times over. Got it, Des?
Desmond: Yes. Absolutely.
Herbert: The first scene provides the excuse for the rest of the movie. This isn't usually the girl-girl scene. The second scene pushes the story forward and it's the first of three scenes which might be girl-girl, though usually we wait till scenes three or four. The third scene has some kind of bad thing happening. The girl loses her job. The guy gets beaten up. The pizza company folds. One of the couple who got together in the first scene discovers that his or her partner is cheating on her. You get the idea, Des?
Desmond: Yes. Clear as day,
Herbert: The fourth scene continues from the third but might hint at some kind of a resolution or just shows things getting worse. And the final scene is where you might get the orgy, group-sex scene or whatever. And this has to sorta bring the whole porno to a satisfying conclusion. The boy gets the girl. The massage parlour is a huge success. Multiple partner sex is exactly what our hero or heroine was looking for all along.
Desmond: And that's it.
Herbert: That's it, Des.
Desmond: Is there anything after the final sex scene?
Herbert: A wink from the leading lady. A screen-load of Credits. A joke whose sell-by date was fifty years ago. Nothing to tax the average punter. We want him (and it's usually a guy) to throw away his Kleenex and order the next DVD in the catalogue. We don't want some kind of dramatic flourish or denouement. Does it sound like your kind of thing?
Desmond: I'm sure I'll be able to give you exactly the kind of script your movies need, Mr Chin.
Herbert: I'm sure you will. I'll just call in Misty and Tracy. They're auditioning for me today and I wanted to give you the opportunity to see some top totty lezzing it up. You game, Des?
Misty and Tracy totter into the office on their unfeasibly high heels. They are both wearing skimpy lingerie and stockings. While Desmond and Herbert sit on two comfortable armchairs, the two girls prostrate themselves on a thick rug and proceed to strip each other. Misty and Tracy have sex together including: cunnilingus, fisting and two-headed dildo fucking. Finish with mutual orgasm.
Total Sex Scene: 25 minutes.
Misty and Buster Beaver are both naked and fucking together on a large bed while surrounded by a film crew including Desmond. The sex includes the following: anal, reverse cowgirl, creampie and facial ejaculation.
Total Sex Scene: 10 minutes.
Misty picks herself up with semen still pasted over her face and hair and dripping onto her bosom. She is congratulated by the film crew and Buster Beaver who gives her a shy kiss on her forehead which act of sensitivity contrasts with the brutality of his earlier fucking. Misty walks over to Desmond.
Misty: I hope I didn't fuck up your script too much, Des.
Desmond (diplomatically): Not at all. You did an excellent job.
Misty: Yeah. For a moron, that is. I don't think I got one sentence out of my mouth the way it was written.
Desmond: Well, I've never heard anyone pronounce 'indubitably' like that before.
Misty (laughing): You mean 'indubibubbly'. And I fucked it up when I told Buster he had a good head for figures.
Desmond: I'm not sure anyone expected you to tell him he gave good head with his fingers. But it's an easy mistake to make.
Misty (laughing): Like when he stuck his prick up my arse and I didn't know and nearly fell over. Or when his dick slid out of my mouth and slapped me in the eye.
Desmond: Well, none of that was scripted. (He notices someone wave at him) Oh, goodbye Brenda.
Brenda: See you Des. You'll get the re-write for Scene Four written by tomorrow won't you?
Desmond: Of course. Boy-girl-girl not boy-boy-girl. And in a launderette not a courthouse.
Brenda: You got it, Des. Seeya!
Brenda and the rest of the film crew depart, leaving just Misty and Desmond alone on the empty film set.
Misty: How're you liking porn then, Des?
Desmond: I'm enjoying it well enough.
Misty: I remember when we first met, you know.
Desmond: You do?
Misty: On Herbie's casting lounge. When I had to do my stuff with Trace. You were a real gent.
Desmond: I was?