Chapter 46

Things returned to normal, Tuesday. Candice and Kathryn felt sorry for Lindsay and me, and they decided ... no, I wasn't asked ... that the next suitable weekend for a 'date' would be Lin's. They also wanted to lay some ground rules to this strange relationship the four of us were having. They could go on dates with others but no intimacy would be allowed, or the person would drop out of the 'pool.' Me? Since I already had three lovely ladies; I, of course, had no reason to date outside of them!

My next date would be with Lindsay, in two weeks. Period. Not next weekend as then she would be having her period. As I was working from home, I probably wouldn't mind an occasional lunch guest while the girls were at school, would I? No? Good!

While I watched all this discussion in which also my life was nicely arranged, I took the most notice of Lindsay and her behavior. While interacting with Candice and Kathryn, she was her professional self with only glimpses of the vulnerable girl somewhere inside. Some resemblance to someone I saw in the mirror every morning.

During the following two weeks both Kathryn and Candice visited me once a week at lunchtime. Yes, they had picked up something with them - and no, we didn't eat it. Once when Katy came home from school, she sniffed the air and looked at me funny. Then she smiled. She knew much too much for someone of her age, but that could not be helped. She was smart enough to keep her knowledge hidden. Meanwhile I had really found my new interest in work and had some new ideas I wanted to test. To make the proverbial 'long story short, ' I felt like I was alive again. Not in the way I had been with Sara, but more than two months ago, and much more than half a year ago. Maybe there was some hope for me. Maybe there was some other reason to live besides Katy.

When it was time to leave, to take the girls to Kathryn's, I got a knowing look from Katy. Lindsay got one from Evelyn. When I tried to look at Katy severely she almost burst out laughing. I did what any sensible dad would do in that situation, I retreated. Screw the dignity!

As we began our 'date, ' Lindsay was her professional self all the way. We got into my car and I drove to my house. When we got inside, I could almost sense the hesitation and fear.

I stopped her right there.

"Lin, would you like to go out to a movie and then have dinner?"

She looked at me in confusion.

"Look, I know I'm doing things in the wrong order, since I guess that people usually go on dates BEFORE they find their way to one or the other's home..."

I took a deep breath.

"What I'm trying to do is asking you for a date. I have not done that in years. I know I'm a bit rusty, but still."

I could see her relax and there came a hint of a smile and then again hesitation.

"But I don't have any suitable clothes with me..."

"Lin, we are talking about a movie and a family style restaurant. The clothes you are wearing will do just fine."

To the movies we went, and we had a simple but nice dinner afterwards. We talked about our girls, a bit about her job and a bit about mine. What was interesting was that we didn't talk about our pasts or about what we might be doing after dinner. She made sure that the discussion always moved away from those dangerous topics. After the third time I was sure that she was doing it unconsciously. But despite all of those things we had fun as she was good company, funny and witty - and pretty, at least to my eyes.

Later back in my house I faced the same situation with her. However, I decided to act normally as I poured a glass of wine. A smooth red one, something to be savored when you aren't hungry anymore. Which reminded me that I'd either need to prepare the meat I had in fridge for tomorrow, or freeze it. I didn't say that to her but did my best to keep the discussion on nonchalant things. Up until the moment she changed the topic.

"Noel, you'll probably be very disappointed to me. I don't mind, I know I'm not like Candice or Kathryn."

Whooah. That came out of the blue. She sighed.

"I noticed that you have done your best to put me at ease and I really appreciate that. But the truth is, that I have only been on a few dates before, and no man has wanted to date me after ... After we'd had sex."

She had a challenging look on her face when she looked at me, and of course she noticed, after all she was a professional.

"Idiots. They must all have been idiots."

Now it was her turn to blink a couple of times.

"How can you say that? You have not..."

I moved closer and took her hands carefully in mine. Very carefully.

"Lin, I know that we have not had sex, and if you don't want to, we never will. But I do know that you are a nice person who is smart and witty and certainly someone my eyes like to watch."

"But I know from Candy and Kath that you are a very sexual person, yourself, and that is something that I'll never be."

"How can you know that?"

"Look, Noel, don't you think I have thought that myself? But since we are friends and they convinced me that you are a nice person and very good in bed they talked me into this."

She sighed even more.

"Oh, God, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Maybe I just think that I owe you this after the weekend with the girls."

I smiled at her.

"You know, Lin, talking about these things is the first step."

She looked at me in disbelief, and then let out a little laugh.

"That was mean. That should have been my phrase. God, I have used it enough times to know."

I smiled back at her before turning more serious.

"Lin, I want you to know that I want to be your friend even if there are never any 'benefits.' Look, I have had friends who are lesbian. I have known that we can never be really involved, but that didn't mean that we couldn't be friends. However, I cannot deny that I would like to have sex with you. Partly because I find you attractive, but mostly because I like you as a person - and that for me is a much more important issue."

"I like you, Noel, and I would feel terrible if I left you disappointed."

"I don't think that's possible."

She shook her head in disbelieve but relented when I kissed her on the lips.

There was fear and terror in her eyes when she was laying naked on my bed - and maybe something else, too. Hope? Then it was in my mind that I hoped that I could change her mind about this. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her body - her breasts were not big, but they were firm and her hips were not prominent but they were feminine enough, at least to me. Her almost non-existent bush confirmed that she was really blond. The darker stripes in her hair had come from a bottle. The distress I saw in her eyes made sure that I wasn't really aroused, even if I admired her body. I saw her look at my still partly limp manhood and she almost opened her mouth to say something but I managed to kiss her first.

"Not a word, girl. He knows it is not his time yet. Now we need to get you to relax."

Then I started massaging her. Very carefully and very gently in the beginning. I knowingly avoided most of the areas that I thought might be erogenous and concentrated on the larger muscles. To say that she was tense would have been a serious understatement. It took me more than half an hour to get her partly relaxed and fifteen more minutes to get to really melt. Having not done that kind of massage for a long time, I was starting to feel the exhaustion myself. I was just about to change my way of massaging a bit when I heard her snore. A good plan I had!

I carefully moved from the top of her and looked at her. Sleeping there relaxed took some years away from her and she almost could have passed as a teenager. I reached for the lights and pulled the covers over us when I put my head on the pillow next to her. As I had started getting more aroused during the massage a certain part of me was disappointed but it could not be helped. I wondered a moment about what her demons might be, before falling asleep myself.

It was still dark when I woke up. I turned a bit and even in dim light I noticed that Lindsay's eyes were open and she was looking at me.

"Why, Noel? Why are you doing this?"

Suddenly I was quite awake. Why indeed? I put my hand under the covers and started rolling some of her hair around my finger.

"An easy answer would be, because I like you. I do like you a lot, but I think that is not the reason. I think that the real reason is that I do this because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that some day when Katy leaves home, there will be no more reason for me to continue living."

Even in the darkness I could see that she was shocked.

"Don't worry Lin, I know that the truth is that I would never do it to her. Besides, the three of you have helped me to fill the empty space inside me, and you have made me feel at least a bit useful."

Now there were tears in her eyes and once again I used my finger to wipe them away.

"Noel, I believe that you loved her very much but I'm sure she wouldn't have liked you to mourn her this way for the rest of your life."

The words came out without some conscious thinking.

"No, the love was not destructive. It was the anger that I felt after her death, and that I still sometimes feel. There once was a person who had gone through something similar who warned me about the anger burning inside. I didn't really believe it, then, 'till it almost destroyed me and the people close to me."

I made sure to look in her eyes when I continued.

"Being with nice good people like you, Candice and Kathryn ... and making you feel better ... fills some hollow space inside me and makes ME feel better. So the truth is that I'm really doing this for selfish reasons. I don't really know why I'm telling you all this - or maybe I do. There is something behind your eyes that reminds me of something I see in the mirror each morning, or maybe it's just my imagination."

This time it was her turn to wipe my cheeks. I had not even noticed the tears.

"No, Noel, it is not your imagination. I guess it's the same reason that makes me trust you: that haunted look in your eyes that can occasionally be seen there. Especially sometimes then you look at Katy."

She took a deep breath.

"What I'm telling you now is something that I have never told anyone, ever. You'll probably feel disgusted with me after I have finished but ... You have probably noticed that I have not talked about Evelyn's father. That is because I don't know who he is. Oh, I know all the people who could be her father, but I don't know which one of them is her father..."