Chapter 45

I must have dozed off at some point, since I woke up to the light that was coming in through the gap between the closed curtains. It was still early, and all the girls ... the small one, and the smaller ones ... were still sleeping. I tried to be silent when I went to the kitchen and searched the fridge for some tasteless white bread and jam. Something not too tasty. I also made sure that it would be easy to make some oatmeal, for later. After some hesitation, I made some coffee for myself. I then took my coffee; and one slice of white bread, which I seldom ate. Then I looked at the four sleeping girls and I suddenly noticed that Lindsay's eyes were open. I moved close to her.

"Hi, Lin. You feel any better?"

"Terrible, I hurt all over, and my mouth tastes like shit. But I'm much better than yesterday evening, thank you. How about you?"

"No problems, yet."

"Nobody has ever called me Lin."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything bad."

"No, it wasn't that."

Then she was dozing off again. Without thinking I stroked her dirty blonde hair a bit, which caused her to open her eyes again.

"Oh, God, I must look terrible."

So she wasn't asleep.

"Not to my eyes."

"Liar."

She closed her eyes again. I was about to retreat when she whispered again.

"Noel, have you been married?"

I froze. She must have sensed it as those blue eyes opened and found mine. I had hoped that this question would never surface.

"Yes."

Now also I whispered.

"But not to Katy's mother?"

"No."

"Then she must have done something really terrible to you."

Suddenly, the anger was back! I tried to hide it. I forced it back into that black box in which it had been waiting all these days, weeks and months. I must learn to let it go. But that would also mean forgetting Sara and I could not do that. I noticed that I had been holding my breath and I slowly and carefully breathed out before answering with my anger gone again.

"No, she was the nicest, kindest person you could imagine."

I was shaking when I returned to the kitchen. Suddenly the coffee tasted bitter to my mouth and I had lost my appetite at least for the jam on the tasteless bread, but I still forced them down. When I looked into the living room a bit later, it seemed that they were all sleeping. I returned to my cushions and dozed off again.

I woke again sometime later, and one by one I helped the waking girls visit the bathroom. As we all had seen each other more or less undressed, there was no need for false prudery. I checked the temperature of the younger girls, and luckily none of them seemed feverish anymore. When it was time to help Lindsay, she hesitated for a moment. I forced myself to look at her eyes.

"Lin, I'm sorry. Maybe someday I'll be able to talk about that, but not quite yet. And when that day comes, you'll hear it all if you still want to listen."

The uneasiness that I had been able to see in her eyes seemed to melt away, and then she sighed.

"Of all people, I should know that feeling. Maybe we can trade our sad stories at some point."

"I hope so."

Those words escaped my lips before I had any control over my mouth. The fact I really meant it, didn't mean that I was supposed to say it out loud. When I had helped her to the bathroom, I was about to leave her there when she stopped me.

"Noel, there is no need for you to leave. I guess you have already seen all there is to see. Which is not much."

"Lin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body or looks."

"But there is nothing spectacular either."

There was something so sad in a way she said that. It made me wonder which person was the real Lindsay; the one I had seen with the other women who was smiling and joking, or this one who seemed unsure about herself and at least a bit down ... or both. I leaned and kissed her on her mouth while she was sitting on the toilet seat. She stiffened but didn't push me away. When I pulled back I lifted her chin so that I could look into her eyes.

"Lin, I DID hope to see you naked. I DID hope to see you naked in my shower. Okay, I hoped that the other circumstances would have been at least a bit different. But don't sell yourself short, please."

She blinked a couple of times, but didn't protest. I helped her to shower and dry herself and return to the temporary bed. Sometime later the girls had all had something small to eat, and I had some oatmeal ready in case someone wanted something more than plain bread. Then it hit me. I knew I had it coming, so I made it to the bathroom. Barely. For the next hour and half I laid on the bathroom floor. I guess I should have felt sorry for the girls for what they had been through, but suddenly I felt so sick that I was sorry only for myself. At some point Lindsay helped me to the temporary bed she had been using. I felt cold and slept. Then with the rising fever came the nightmares.

The theme was always the same: There was Marie standing up on the stage and laughing at us struggling at the floor level. There was Sara, first close but going away with a sad look on her face. The more I tried to reach for her, the faster she was disappearing. Then there was Lily - Katy - naked and surrounded by evil laughing men and cum dripping from her mouth and chest, just as it had been on that night in the porno house. That went on and on. I was there watching, and when I tried to move it was like I was stuck in tar pit. I felt like crying but I just couldn't.

Suddenly, I was awake, and I was feeling sweaty all over. I was still gasping for breath, when I noticed Lindsay, sitting next to me and holding my hand. She released it as soon as she noticed that I was awake. She looked tired. I rolled my head a bit and looked around.

"Where are the girls?"

"Upstairs. We managed to carry some mattresses to your bedroom. Now there is enough space for all the girls to sleep."

"What time is it?"

"Only four in the afternoon. But Candice is in no shape to come and get Alison, and there is no reason to infect Kathryn, too, so we'll be spending another night here."

I searched for her hand and took it in mine.

"Thank you, Lin."

"Remember, nobody calls me Lin."

"Sorry, I didn't understand that you don't like it."

"No, it's not that. I do like it."

Then there was a silence.

"Noel, you may find me quite a bit different from Candice or Kathryn."

"I guess you don't mean your hair or skin color. But Lin, I think you are okay, or much more than okay, or ... maybe I should just close my mouth, before I make a bigger fool out of myself."

She actually smiled a bit.

"Noel, you're okay, too."

Now the silence that followed was much more pleasant.

"You talked a bit while you were dreaming. Some of the names you kept on repeating seemed to cause Katy some distress. That's why I sent all of them upstairs to watch some movies there."

I wasn't sure if there was a question.

"What were the names I repeated?"

"Something like Maria or Marie and then Sarah or something like that. And Lily. Was one of them your wife?"

Shit. I had to be careful now.

"Sara was my wife. And Marie was - or still is - Katy's mother."

"How long were you married?"