Chapter 26

We knew that the second year in college would be crucial for Marie, in our plan for her to make it through in three years. In fact, it was the same for me even though I had not mentioned that to Marie. There was no real graduate program in my college, but with the co-operation of some other colleges, it would be possible for me to get my bachelor's degree - or maybe even two of them. I did not talk about that to Marie, as I did not want cause her any extra pressure. Also, I did not believe the insurance company would keep its promise. No reason to raise any false hopes. Besides, we were doing ok, financially.

The next semester started and we were soon back in study mode. According to what we had learned, we had no real need to participate in any of the student events in our schools. Marie was asked once by one of the girlfriends of the football players, if she wanted things to remain in a way that those 'more than eager athletes' would leave her alone. She happily agreed to that. I did not have such luck, but once I had made it known that I was not available, I was able to concentrate on my studies which included several business courses. After all, I was running my own company.

We tried to coordinate our workload so that we had some totally free days every now and then, but by the time the Christmas holidays arrived, we both were totally exhausted. That's not exactly a good thing when you have an overly excited two-and-a-half year old girl running around you - and everybody else - while all are trying to do some shopping. If my aunty and Beth had not been there, we would probably not have been able to buy a single gift. All too soon the holidays were over, but luckily we had been able to sleep, and snuggle - and sleep.

If autumn had been bad, the rest of the winter and the spring were real killers. At some point we both had our twentieth birthdays. We both would have forgotten them if it had not been for my aunty and Beth. They organized a 'forty-year' birthday celebration for us. Finally, we both made it; but once the season ended, and it was summer again, we were trashed and empty. We were happy, though, as the last year would now be easier.

Even though we had been tired and busy all spring, we had always made time for Lily. I guess that we had not been careful enough, since at some point someone must have injected her with a gramophone needle! Neither Marie nor I were really talkative persons, but to our Lily the silence was an empty space that had to filled with questions, singing or storytelling. Yes, she was the storyteller of her own plays. In fact, I recorded some of those stories, to be played when it came time for boyfriends. I know, that was evil.

Some things changed a bit, though. This summer we rented a cottage for a week, but this time I did not shut my business down. I hired a guy to work for me. I had come to know him in one of my classes, and he was very anxious to start doing some real programming work. During our holiday, Marie and I also started talking about the future - our future. We did not yet agree as to where we would be moving, but we discussed the options. Nothing too big, but somewhere that people will still talk to you, even if you miss a Sunday at church. I could continue my work anywhere where there was a decent internet connection available, so the decision would probably be based more on where there would be teaching positions available for Marie.

Our vacation was over, but we still had more time on our hands in the summer than we had had during the last year of college. We did our best to make good use of it. Our little Lily had her first children's birthday party, and also her last if I had anything to say about it. However, I'm quite sure that my vote won't count. I wondered if I got a male dog, if he'd be loyal to me or the girls. Maybe it will be better if I don't try to find out. Maybe it will get better in the future. At least those finger paints were washable, from my face and most other surfaces, too. Oh well, some of walls needed painting in any case. Later in the evening, I made sure that Marie washed me very well.

The rest of the summer we made sure we enjoyed at least one day as a family, and sometimes with my aunty and Beth. Those were typically very happy and joyful days, especially for our little Lily. Sometimes there were four people to entertain or fool around with one little girl. In general, it was a very happy summer.

Then it was time we started our what was supposed to be our last year in college. This year should have been easier than the last one, but that did not mean that it would be easy. I had my plans for completing two Bachelor's degrees, and Marie should have her Master's ready by spring. Luckily we had already developed a good routine in working and that is what we did, again: work! We put our heads down and started working but we also tried to save some time for ourselves - and for Lily.

The autumn weather was occasionally miserable, but our feelings were generally positive, as for the first time it felt like our targets were in sight. Maybe within sight, but there was still a whole lot work to do. We studied, I worked, and then we had our moments with Lily. Time passed, and before we noticed, it was time for Christmas holidays again.

Now that Lily knew what to expect, we really had fun as we watched her excitement. This year she was finally able to stay awake and watch the New Year's fireworks. Then it was time to go to back to college. For this last semester, Marie had decided to add theater studies to her curriculum. It would be a nice addition to her resumé, while searching for a teaching position.

It was in the beginning of March when I started getting uneasy feelings every now and then. I did my best to talk to Marie, but nothing seemed to help.

Then one evening at the beginning of March, when Marie got home, and I immediately got the bad vibes. There was some sadness in her and I did my best to give her some solace. Or I would have, if she had allowed me to. It was only in the evening in bed that she allowed me to hold her and still I felt that she was holding back her tears. Inside me, I knew what had happened. Once again, everything was shattered to pieces. I just did my best to hold things together.

I guess that Marie did not understand that as I took care of the finances, I would see from there that she had visited the college clinic. From the list of services rendered, I could easily see why see had been there. I felt sick myself. To say that things were strained in our house would have been a serious understatement. Then one day Marie came home a bit early, and she looked clearly relieved.

When we managed to get Lily sleeping Marie almost attacked me. She sucked me and it seemed that she had decided to fuck me to an early grave. For the rest of the evening and some of the night Marie did her best to show and tell me that she loved me.

Now I only had to decide if I should forgive her or not. Like I didn't already know that I would forgive her - but I also knew that we would have to talk this thing through before we would move together anywhere from here. I whispered to her ear when we laid on the bed snuggled together.

"Marie, I hope that you know that I love you and only you. And you can talk to me about everything."

"Yes, I do know. And remember that I love you more than anyone."

And then I was covered by kisses. But her eyes were teary. And she did not want talk about it anymore and I decided not to push it, not right now.

Things settled back to normal but in my sensitive state, I could feel that she was holding something back. On the other hand Marie was the best mother and girlfriend you could wish for, as she usually came home early. The only exceptions were a few evenings when there was a theater practice, but even on those evenings she did not stay late. I also did my best to show her that I loved her and I cared for her, but still there was something that I could not get a grip on. What worried me most was the lack of enthusiasm when I opened a discussion about our future. I was worried but I also trusted her. I was sure that she had strayed once but I was sure that we could work through it, or so I hoped.

It was almost mid-May, and I was a few written works away from my graduation – my double graduation. As far as I knew and had heard from Marie, she was at least as close to her Master's. She had not directly mentioned it to me, but I had found out that their theater group had a performance in the middle of the week. She had not asked me to come as she knew that I was busy, but she had not said not to, either. There was some hesitance in her when I asked her about the group, and I guessed the reason. But I wanted to see her on stage and I decided that I could handle my jealousy. After all, I'd had more partners than she. But that was still something we needed to discuss.

At the play it took me five minutes to spot the guy. It was clear that he adored Marie, but I just decided to ignore him. I had to do that, for now. After I had watched Marie for a few minutes on stage, I understood why he adored her. When Marie was on the stage, she owned it! All of it. I had always thought that she was beautiful, but her darkish classical features and her figure just shone, there. The others looked good too, but it was partly because of the way she was shining.

When the play was over, the applause was something that was probably unusual in places like this. I looked at my smiling Marie as she faced the crowd during the applause.

I looked at her radiant eyes, and suddenly I felt a terrible coldness inside. I knew, I just knew that I had already lost her, probably forever. Then it was not cold anymore, just emptiness, as all the small pieces clicked together. This time there would be no way of getting Humpty-Dumpty back together again, as all the small fragments had gone with the four winds.

I did not cry, since there cannot be any tears in a vacuum. I could still hear the applause in my ears as I struggled out of the auditorium. There would be no graduation parties, not for me and not for Marie. The announcements they made back there, only revealed to me what I had already figured out.

When I drove back to my aunty's to pick up Lily, my mind was running in full gear. Once I got there I quickly made some requests to my aunty, as I also informed her and Beth that there would not be any more parties. My aunty stopped me only once and asked just one question.

"Eric, are you really sure about this?"

"Yes."

She nodded. I guess that the emotions on my face were so raw that they did not leave much room for questions. Besides, I had promised to tell more about it later. If only I could. Lily was a bit confused about my behavior, but that did not prevent her from talking. I struggled to hold myself together. I had to do it. For Lily.