Chapter 3: Innocence Lost

The next five days were a blur. She felt unsteady due to her new center of gravity, and achy ... not just her chest, but her whole body due to her menstrual cycle. Her mental state, which she came to call “cotton-head,” got a little better, but she seemed dull and lackadaisical. She refused to watch daytime TV, and the free books she had downloaded simply weren’t very good. When Ivan came home to dinner on Monday, she tried once again to talk him into sharing his computer login info with her; but he (his voice verging on stern) told her in no uncertain terms that he allowed no one ... no one ... to use his computer system, and he needed the laptop at his office.

Dinah had attended courses in Van Nuys, at Marian and Saint Cyril, and she’d earned her “Early Childhood Education” certificate while a novice. She yearned to use it. But it was too late to apply for fall teaching positions; and Ivan said she could earn much more from the secretarial job than she could by substitute teaching. She relented, of course. There was an interview appointment for the following Monday.

She wasn’t really in the mood to go shopping, but it was more than necessary ... it was essential that she have some clothing that actually fit. Picking out the proper bra in the department store was an hour-long ordeal; with the sales lady voicing numerous opinions, and Ivan having to approve ... which he most often did not. In the end, Dinah was the reluctant owner of a sports bra, which he later told her she could wear only around the apartment or exercising, and four “everyday bras.” She had absolutely zero experience with underwire. Ivan finally made it plain to the sales gal. For the very first time, Dinah had cleavage; and by God, she was going to show it off. The retailer was not appreciative of that concept; but all she could really do was consent, however reluctantly, with the customer.

There were five blouses; once again designed to show off a girl’s breasts to best effect. Dinah had never studied necklines before: square, scooped, V-neck, portrait. However, she would have to take in the larger garments’ waists herself ... and since there was no sewing machine, she’d have to do it by hand; so, she spent another half hour in the sewing department matching threads and buying the necessary items. Five skirts were also added to the haul. Five hundred bucks, in all.

Five days after the operation, while Ivan was at work, she filled the bathtub with water that was almost too hot, and she settled into aquatic heaven, adding more until the level was a scant inch from the top of the tub when she submerged herself to her chin. Her new breasts were like a set of giant water-wings, floating and bobbing and drifting. She drowsed, unmindful of time, until she realized the water had become cold; and she got out of the tub and refilled it; then got back in again.

There was something small floating beside her, and she gently plucked it from the water’s surface and examined it carefully. It was one of the tiny butterfly bandages. And so, she scrubbed softly, carefully, until they all came off. It felt amazing! No more itching! No more irritation every time her breasts swung from side to side ... which was almost constantly. The achiness was almost gone; and slowly, slowly, she was beginning to get used to their continual heaviness and awkward bulk.

Whether Ivan was there in time for dinner or not, her evenings always culminated with her listening to Jimmy’s voice on the laptop through the headphones. Sometimes, she thought the recordings were repeated from a previous session; but since she was almost immediately asleep, she couldn’t really be sure. However, most of the time, she knew they were new recent ... and obviously recorded just for her by her doctor ... and her very good friend. She couldn’t believe he was so accommodating! He had gone to the trouble of recording these sessions just for her. She sometimes found that the empty place below her belly particularly yearned for his voice; and when she imagined that special timber behind his basso speech, it would sometimes even throb.

On occasion, Ivan would wake her up for bed; though usually not. However, he would always loosen her clothing while she was inside Jimmy’s trance; and often, she would awaken with her breasts fully exposed.

She began having sexual dreams. A man ... she could never remember any faces after she woke up ... would often lead her somewhere, or tell her to do something, or command her to stand still while he touched her. In her dreams, she was always naked, but never alone. People constantly wanted something. She had to give them what they desired ... what they needed. It was her goal in life. It was her place in the universe. She was compelled to give them what they required. And what they required was pleasure.

Ivan hadn’t taken her sexually since their wedding night. There could be only one reason for that: she was doing something wrong; something to displease him. She couldn’t really ask HIM about it ... he would undoubtedly be stern, and she certainly didn’t want that dreaded tone of voice. If only she could talk to Beth and Tina. They were her friends. They could advise her. Their time together was something that she would always cherish in her memory. But ... when she thought too much about it, she cried; and so, she tried not to.

When Saturday came around, she thought about it as just another day ... never realizing it would include a particularly momentous event. She fixed him an omelet and sausage, with a biscuit; fixing herself a scrambled egg, which she enjoyed. Ivan had to go out, which was certainly not unexpected. And so, she settled into the cushioned chair in the living room, working on one of the blouses with a seam ripper, pins and a needle and thread while listening to a music channel on the TV.

Ivan returned in the early afternoon and handed her a small shopping bag. Tucked inside, and covered with blue tissue paper, was a deep green satin robe. She squealed with surprise and kissed him on the cheek in thanks. The robe was short, and cut in a style she had never seen. But when he told her to go in the bedroom, take off her clothes and put it on for him, she blushed and ran to do his bidding. She’d never known him to be romantic! This was obviously a prelude to a sexual encounter! Her wifely duty! Oh, thank God she had bathed and shaved that morning before he got up! She ducked into the bathroom, used it, then used a washcloth between her legs as a final preparation. Several swipes with a brush made her hair shine and bounce against her bare shoulders.

The robe was a bit of a conundrum at first, but she finally figured it out. Each half of the front of the thing was designed to go between her breasts before a belt held it together at the waist, thus separating and displaying the mammaries as individual exhibitions. The garment’s hemline hit just above her knees. The feeling of the fabric against her bare skin and nipples was something she’d never experienced before.

Shy and blushing, she made her way back out to the living room, only to find him standing with his back turned to her, talking in a low voice on his cell phone. “Yes,” he murmured darkly. “Now. Yes, I understand. Yes, just as we agreed upon. Okay. Bye.”

He turned back toward her, and his eyes swept up and down her body. He made a little swirling motion with a forefinger; and, blushing, she turned around in a 360-degree circle for him. He nodded appreciatively. “Very good. I did well. It fits exactly the way I envisioned.” He hadn’t really been smiling; but now, he frowned. “I’ve been called away for work. Sorry about that. But, before I go, I have to have something from Ted. I need you to go do it. Now.”

She blinked. “Who?”

“Ted. Next door. Our neighbor. He told me that you’d met him.”

She frowned. “Oh.” She paused, thinking. “Yes. Yes, we’ve met.”

He handed her something, and she reached out and took it automatically. It was some sort of flat computer peripheral, roughly twice the size of a deck of cards. There were a few places on the edges of the thing for cables to plug into. “He tells me that he can fix this in five minutes. I have to have it. While you’re gone, I’ll print out what I need. Go now. Hurry!”

She took a step toward the bedroom. “I’ll just...”

“No! Now!”

She looked down at herself. “Ivan ... I can’t go like...”

“Dinah!” he roared, making her flinch. Oh, gosh! This was worse than stern! This was ... she didn’t even want to think of a word for it. Open-mouth and shocked, she looked down at the sexy (there was no other term for it) robe, and at the device in her hand. The air seemed to go out of her. Slowly, she turned toward the apartment door. “Here!” he barked; and she turned back to face him and accept an apartment door key. “I don’t want you to get accidently locked out.”

There were no pockets. Holding the key in one hand and the computer thingy in the other, she somehow got the entrance open. The door had a pneumatic closing cylinder, and it shut behind her. As fate had it, the hallway was deserted; and heaving a huge sigh of relief, she padded barefoot to the door next to theirs ... the one she had seen Ted open when she’d met him on the day she first arrived. There was no doorbell, and she knocked. He must have been waiting, and when he jerked the entrance open immediately, she jumped and gave a little “eek” of a sound.

She stood facing him, breathing deeply from the little fright he had given her and blushing furiously, unable to take her eyes off of his face ... as HIS eyes seemed to take in every inch of her. “Ho-lee shit!” he breathed in a whisper. His eyes raked her body again and again. “Holy goddam fuck!” And his gaze settled and froze on her face. She couldn’t seem to figure out why, until she felt the teardrop make its way slowly down her left cheek. He moved toward her, but her feet refused to move ... until an arm around her waist pulled her body forward; and, bare feet shuffling, she was drawn into the apartment.

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me for leaving you out there. I didn’t ... um ... realize you were...” And the words softly dwindled away into nothing. He was in front of her once more. She could feel his eyes. It should have just been a goofy phrase; but she could literally FEEL them! Was it just her imagination? She could feel his longing, his arousal, his NEED. It seemed to surround her. She felt it ... she actually did! His voice tried again. “Did you...? Um ... have you...? You didn’t used to be ... um...” And it faded away again.

She was doing this to him. She realized that it wasn’t his fault; it was hers. He was simply acting like a man. She was the cause, he was the effect. She was the stimulus, he was the response. She was causing him discomfort and confusion. She was feeling a jumbled collage of emotions, all writhing and swelling and colliding with each other. But underneath them all was the overriding desire to help him ... to give him what he needed to overpower and conquer these things she was doing to him. And, if overpowering and conquering HER was the only solution to those problems, then she would just have to help him accomplish that. While all these thoughts meandered through her mind, she was standing there, her right hand held out to him, the computer device in her palm, offering it.

Finally becoming cognizant of the situation, he reached forward and took the thing. He turned away from her and went to the kitchen counter, where he deposited the gizmo on its surface, worked for fifteen seconds with a screwdriver; then he stepped back away from it. “This is going to take longer than I thought,” he said, a touch too loudly. “Come here. I’ll show you.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” she responded, scarcely above a whisper.

“I need you to see.”

Taking a deep breath, she walked to the counter and looked down at it. It had been pried into two pieces, now lying next to each other. One half appeared to be a plastic cover, while the other was filled with a circuit board, wires and computer chips.

“I really don’t know what I’m looking...”

And she froze as she felt his body press into hers from behind. His hands were placed flat on the countertop on either side of her upper hips, and her body was trapped in his arms as he pushed his chest and his stomach and his groin and his thighs against her; and she felt him all along her back and her lumbar and her buttocks and her calves. His face was parting the curtain of her hair on the right side of her head, and his lips were just under her ear. “I cannot resist you,” he breathed, making her shudder involuntarily.

“Ted...” She whispered.

His right hand left the countertop and slid up her front, slipping beneath the satin of the robe to clutch the spongy softness of her left breast. “You are magnificent,” he breathed again. “I have to feel you.”

A dull fluid shock throbbed throughout her being, from her kneaded breast to the hollow place below her belly to the tip of her toes; her body seemed to pulse in the grasp of his arms. “I ... I shouldn’t have come to you like this,” she tried to say without moaning. “This was too much. This is my fault.”

Pressure on the clutched breast caused her entire body to spin to her right, shuffling in place, twisting, until it was her front that was pressed into his. He reluctantly let go of the breast, and she ballooned against his chest as his arms encircled her waist and lower back. Her arms were above his, and her hands seemed to find a natural resting place on his biceps. She had nowhere to go. His nose was touching hers; the surface of his lips gently brushing the surface of hers. “I must kiss you. I have to.”

“I understand,” she whispered.

She closed her eyes as he kissed, though she didn’t really know why. It just seemed the natural thing to do. Ivan had kissed her ... but never like this. She became aware that time was meaningless; and she wasn’t really sure when the tongue was there. In her twenty-one years of life, the only tongue that had ever been in her mouth was her own; so, to say this was new was a bit of an understatement. She responded with seemingly automatic reactions, and the kiss just drifted on and on.

She was breathing hard when it ended. He kept her trapped against the counter, but he was doing something behind her back that she couldn’t see. At last, keeping her pinned, he raised a cell phone to his right ear. “It’s me. No, it’s going to take me longer than I thought. I’d like her to wait until I’m done; would that be okay? Yes. Yes, I’ll tell her.” And he touched a button on the phone with a thumb tip and set it down. He had been looking down into her eyes during the conversation, and he didn’t shift his gaze afterwards. “He says he has to go into work. He won’t be back until six.”

“Yes,” she said softly; though, of course, that didn’t make any sense. For the first time, she realized that the robe’s belt had been untied, and that both breasts were completely bare. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath.