Tuesday

Today started completely differently from yesterday. Ugly’s behaviour at breakfast was much more subdued than dinner yesterday, not drawing attention to herself, not saying “Mama” every three words—peace is the epitome of tranquillity. The biggest difference came when we left the hotel, on our way to the McManus, an art museum and gallery that was on our itinerary for today. It was easily walkable, so we strolled through Dundee’s many beautiful streets. The child’s voice from yesterday was gone, and the adult voice was back in full force.

“If you ever decide to get married, Cheape,” she said, “Find an interesting husband. Find someone that likes to do things on his own sometimes, so you will have the time and freedom to do things with your own friends. But more importantly, find someone who will surprise you often. When I married Johan, my husband for many years, I knew he was a good, reliable man. A family man, a man who would never sleep around, even if he was offered the chance. He loved me, my Johan. He didn’t say it often, but I know he did. Johan loved kids, you know? We got no. He always assumed I couldn’t have them, but it may have very well been the other way around. We never had that checked. There was no need for us to blame one or the other. Our lives followed a set pattern. He worked in construction and was incredibly handy with his hands. Anything he looked at, he could make. He worked long days, often from early morning until late at night. Afterwards, he was so tired that he’d fall asleep on the couch after dinner. The warm living room after a day of working outside, a full stomach, and he was gone. At five o’clock the alarm went off again, and he was gone. On the weekend, he went with his mates to see a football game. We made love on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He tried to make it good for me as well, but he knew the way around a woman’s body, like a London taxi driver in Dundee. He would try his best, but get lost within the maze of Dundee roads. I’m not saying we had a terrible life, just a predictable one. Our marriage was good, and I was very fond of him. Still am.”

“But life was boring and easy to foretell. Until I met Ciaran, I thought all men were like my Johan. I had never met a man before who pulled me out into the pouring rain to watch how the birds sheltered against the rain in the forest. And afterwards, drying my wet skin off inch by inch. I was not used to a man holding me so tightly in his arms that I could barely breathe, just because he missed me, even if he’d only been gone for a few hours. Even after we have been together for years now. And I was new to a man who wanted — no, needed — to know all my erotic fantasies in the smallest detail. I think it took us a year to find the courage to tell each other our hidden fantasies and put them into practice. Some of them weren’t feasible. We wrote those down in a special notebook. His fantasy, my reaction, his reaction to that, until we both felt satisfied.”

I turned to her. Before I realised what I was saying, I blurted out, “You know how Shrek says people are like onions? I always thought that was silly. But walking with you feels like peeling back another layer every minute.”

She smiled back. I know that sounded naïve, but I didn’t care. That’s new for me as well. She resumed, “Through Jutta, the friend and mistress of my best friend, we both finally found something we could completely lose ourselves in. Jutta was into this role-playing game that she had played so often with her husband. Despite the name Daddy Dom/little girl, there is nothing in it that is about the underage involvement of minors or incest, for that matter. It’s a way of power exchange through regression. The daddy — or mommy — has all the power, and the child basically has none. It has to obey the parent, or it will risk punishment. In whatever form or shape.”

“I don’t think I would have understood you yesterday, but I think I get it a little now. What I don’t understand is what you get out of it, what’s in it for you?” I asked.

“It’s not that I’d want to be a little girl 24/7. The game I play with Ciaran has a clear beginning, but also a very clear ending. For example, we never have sex when I’m in the little role; it would feel weird. I would never want to deprive him of sex for a long time. Besides, I need his body as much as he needs mine. But when I am a little, my universe changes into peace. I know that the adult is taking care of me and I don’t have to worry about anything. I can just be who I am. All the worries and things an adult worries about—money, status, house, groceries, car repairs, laundry—are gone. Yesterday, when you took over, I was just an ugly girl eating with my Mama. And you were perfect. I was in awe of how well you did. Thank you for that.”