Chapter 12: Just Stop!

June 17, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

I wasn't surprised when Kayleigh blushed a deep red upon seeing the two paintings in the Nuclear Family series.

"I, er, uh, uhm, don't know what to say," she stammered.

"It's art," I replied. "The only difference between those and the ones at the Art Institute is that you don't know the subjects in the ones at the Art Institute."

"I, er, suppose," Kayleigh said.

"What do you think of the rest of the art?"

"I think your friends are talented. I mean, the nude paintings are good; they're just ... a bit much to take."

"Let's finish the tour," I said.

"What's left?" Kayleigh asked.

"My bedroom, but we can skip it if that makes you uncomfortable."

"May I say something that might ... wait! You'll tell me to say it."

"Yes, I will."

"Pretty much everything about you makes me uncomfortable."

"If that's true, and I don't doubt it, why do you keep calling?"

Kayleigh shook her head, "Are you that dense?"

"No, but think about the contradictions — I make you uncomfortable, I reject your faith, you think I'm a libertine, and I generally don't adhere to any social norms, and yet you're interested in me and keep calling. I mean, let's be completely honest here, where do you think we're going?"

"Your bedroom," she smirked, blushing slightly.

I decided to play along with the silly comment, took Kayleigh's hand, and led her to the master bedroom, stopping just inside the door. I looked at her, and for any other girl, the look we exchanged would have invited a kiss, but that would be completely out of character for Kayleigh.

"Here we are," I said.

"Uhm, yeah," Kayleigh said quietly.

The fundamental problem with Kayleigh was similar to the one I'd encountered with Rachel Kealty, at least at first — that to do what I was certain was running through her mind would be a commitment to a very specific future, and that was not a commitment I could make to Kayleigh any more than I could have made it to Rachel. Of course, Rachel had claimed to have given up on her faith, but everything she did simply reinforced the idea, as had been said, that it was possible to take the girl out of the Church but impossible to take the Church out of the girl.

Stefi had overcome it, but that was a very different situation. I was sure, after the fact, that long before I had modeled naked for her class, Chicago had opened her eyes. And once opened, it was simply a matter of opportunity — the right guy in the right place at the right time. I'd been that guy, and she'd cast off her shackles with me, then began dating a guy who at least had a chance of being her long-term partner.

With nothing being said, I took Kayleigh's hand and led her back to the loft, and we sat on a loveseat.

"I'm confused," she said.

"That isn't surprising, given what I said about contradictions."

"Well, yeah, that, but also about why you didn't try to kiss me."

"I actually thought about it, but given our conversations, I decided not to. It's really a question of where it would lead."

"I told you," she replied quietly.

"That would run counter to much of what was said during our conversations," I replied.

"You said you wanted to go to bed with me, then said I wanted the same thing, and we were just negotiating 'when'."

"That's all true, but if 'when' is now, there are a number of unanswered questions, the most important of which has to be what happens after and what it would mean. I think I can clarify the stark difference in our views with a blunt statement using a vulgar word."

"What?"

"If it's just fucking for fun, that's something I could do. What I couldn't do is make love and become your boyfriend."

Kayleigh blushed again.

"I guess that does fit everything you've said," she admitted.

"The question is, are you willing to change your entire worldview and have casual sex? That means extramarital sex, using birth control, and doing several things your church has defined as sinful, even if done by a married couple. Is that what you want?"

Kayleigh looked down, bit her lip, then lifted her head.

"I don't know," she said quietly.

"When you know what you want and can tell me, then we can discuss it and decide what to do."

"I'm sorry," she said, almost inaudibly.

"For what? Being confused? Having a struggle between your mind and body? Trying to reconcile things not easily reconciled? Those are all part of life. Innate curiosity, which I have, and which I think you might have, will lead you to conundrums that you can't easily solve unless you literally check your brain at the door and slavishly follow what someone else tells you. That's what Frank Zappa's quote is about. If you're unhappy, and it's because someone else is telling you what to do or what not to do, that's on you, not on them."

"You aren't upset with me?"

"No. If anything, you could be upset with me because I turned down going to bed with you!"

Kayleigh smiled, "Thank you."

She stood, so I got up we went downstairs. We went out the door, and I walked her to the elevator. I was surprised when she stopped and kissed my cheek.

"I'll call you sometime, if it's OK," she said.

"It is."

She smiled and got into the elevator, and once the doors closed, I returned to the condo where Bianca, Deanna, and CeCi were sitting together on the sectional sofa, with Sofía on the rug with a few toys, though she didn't really play; she just enjoyed what the nannies called 'tummy time'.

"I'm surprised she left," Bianca observed.

"She's interested but still conflicted, and you know full well I can't offer her what she wants."

"Another Teri?"

"There are some similarities, but unlike Teri, Kayleigh wasn't thinking about sex the first time she laid eyes on me."

Deanna laughed, "Then she's the only girl on the planet who didn't!"

"I don't believe that for one second!" I retorted with a grin.

"I sure did!" Deanna declared. "Bianca?"

"Absolutely! When I first saw him at the party, I knew what I wanted. I almost went for it, too!"

"Well, I wanted him without ever seeing him!" CeCi declared. "So technically, he's right!"

"Not even!" Deanna declared. "You wanted him when you first laid eyes on him!"

"I hate to say it, CeCi," I said, "but Deanna is technically correct about that. That said, I don't agree with her."

"Name one girl you've met who didn't want to have sex with you!" Deanna challenged.

"I've met some lesbians," I replied.

Deanna rolled her eyes, "OK, straight or bi girls! Seriously, you go home for Bev's wake and funeral and are propositioned by at least three girls, one of whom asked you straight up to go back to her house and fuck on her waterbed!"

"I'll concede many," I replied. "I might even concede most. But I know married women who are faithful."

"Fine," Deanna said, rolling her eyes again. "The fact that you can name a few exceptions, and they're outliers, more or less proves my point. And you've turned down a number of girls, too, including Claire, Britney, and Spurgeon's wife."

"Which, of course, proves MY point!" I chuckled. "Anyway, CeCi, when did you want to do your next photo shoot?"

"I need to coördinate with you and Alexa. How does the 8th work? Deanna can paint you, Bianca, and Sofía in the morning and early afternoon. Alexa can come over later in the afternoon and stay for dinner. That'll give us plenty of time to get the nudes."

"If Alexa is available, I'm fine with that."

"I'll speak to her tomorrow."

Sofía fussed, so I picked her up and cuddled her. I held her for about fifteen minutes until she fell asleep, then I took her upstairs and put her in her crib. I returned to the conversation pit and sat down next to CeCi, who usually had Sunday nights.

"I suspect someone has asked, but do you still intend to buy the pool table?" CeCi inquired.

"Next month, when I receive my quarterly payout. It'll have burgundy cloth, per Natasha's color scheme."

"Then I suppose I should start looking for a virgin," CeCi teased. "You did say you'd re-enact the scene if I found one!"

I chuckled, "I believe I said I'd consider it when you found one. I'm still not sure filming something like that is wise."

"Unless you find several girls, you'll have to do it in a single take!" Bianca declared. "Otherwise, you lose the entire point!"

"The chance that any eligible girl, which means at least eighteen, would have an intact hymen is pretty low," I observed. "So it's not like you could tell."

"Because people are so clueless about female anatomy, I think to make the point, you'd need to use some artificial blood," Deanna observed. "Spread it just inside the labia, and then you see the 'defloration' live and in color!"

"Which means she wouldn't actually have to be a virgin," I replied.

"Yeah, but we'd know!" CeCi countered. "And she'd know."

"Remember, I'm not necessarily on board with this idea."

We had a nice evening together, and at bedtime, CeCi joined me as she usually did on Sunday nights.

"Between you and me," she said, "what bothers you about film? It's not as if you're a prude, and you've modeled naked."

"The difference is, those are clearly art, even the suggestive poses with Alexa. You're talking about pornography, and if the tape were to leak, it could seriously damage my reputation. I know that might sound dumb given the 'coke and hookers' mentality at Spurgeon, but starring in a pornographic movie would not play well."

"You do realize some guys tape their conquests, don't you?" CeCi asked.