Chapter 1: fight

LUCA

A Whole Lifetime Earlier

When I was eight years old, my parents took me out on a boat. It was a beautiful day. We spent the day fishing, snacking on the sandwiches my Mum packed, and enjoying the time together. We even managed to spot some dolphins as they leapt from the water.

It was also the day I witnessed a stranger drown.

I remember being nearly lulled to sleep by the gentle waves of the ocean. The very same water that took a life with ease. Without ever even showing an ounce of threatening behaviour.

Looking at the large body of water, I didn’t initially think much of it, other than how beautiful the colour of it was or how gorgeous the view appeared.

However peaceful it may seem on the surface, it’s easy to forget the strength, mystery, and the unforeseen that lies beneath.

That day I realized that the ocean doesn’t adapt to you, you are forced to adapt to it. You can’t control it, no matter how tenaciously you may try.

If you don’t adapt, you die.

Twenty days after my thirteenth birthday, we were carjacked on the way to the supermarket.

The incident shook my Mum to the core. To this day, she won’t drive at night. She refuses to sit in an unlocked car. For a very long time, she would get panic attacks from the idea of going anywhere near the area where it occurred.

It didn’t help when a little less than three years later, our house was broken into. We were away on holiday, so the robbers had free rein of the house for days. They stole anything and everything of value—jewelry, Mum’s fancy porcelain dinnerware, and almost all the tools and electronics.

They took their time in scouring through each and every crevice of our home, and in the process they robbed us of our sense of security, as well.

Mum was already rattled from the carjacking. Her sense of safety was so shaken to begin with that it was like a house of cards—one little breath of wind sent it toppling over.

We arrived home to utter chaos, both in the mental and physical sense.

Mum instantly broke down the second we stepped past the threshold of the front door. It was that moment—seeing her uncontrollably shaking, sobbing, and wheezing—when I had decided that I wanted to be a police officer.

I wanted to do good. To protect innocent, kind-hearted, generous people like Mum. She was wronged, and affected by those wrongs in ways that I can’t even begin to fully describe.

I’d like to believe I’ve done just that. I’ve saved a few lives over my short career and I feel very proud about doing so. If I can somehow balance the scales between good and evil, even moderately, I’ll have done something positive in this world.

When I was told about the opportunity to go undercover and infiltrate one of the largest and most notorious mafia families in the state, I jumped at the opportunity.

It was like showing me a perfect apple, but because I know the core is rotten, the first thing I want to do is dig and rip into that center to remove the darkness.

Today is pivotal in my career. Myself, my close friend and co-worker, and my boss have been going over the finest of details surrounding the Brooks family.

Adiv is my best mate. He’s been working undercover for a few months now so he knows more about the family and their inner workings than I do. He’s been taking meticulous notes on everything he’s able to and he immediately reports it back to his superior officers.

I was rather nervous on Adiv’s first day. Though he was allowed to keep his name and not forced to alter his appearance, his paperwork was fucked with so he has an entirely new identity under the same birth name. It allowed the old him to be completely erased and replaced with someone new.

I was worried he would get caught. I’m glad they didn’t compel him to take on a new name—I was imagining someone calling him by the false name and him not responding. There were so many things that could go wrong and I found myself obsessing over the idea.

However, it seems as though he’s integrated himself well.

I’ve noticed subtle changes in him. It hasn’t harmed our friendship thus far, but I have observed him being a bit more distanced. I’ve asked him about what he’s experienced throughout working undercover, but he’s been fairly tightlipped about it.

I believe he’s seen some rough shit, but he refuses to speak about much, if any, of it.

I also happen to think that he doesn’t tell work everything. I’ve begun to feel like he only tells them the most pertinent information and that means that some shit gets left out.

I guess I understand it in a way. He’s leading a double life. He’s one person with us, and a completely different guy with them.

He’s living life like a coin, flipping back and forth, forever having to adapt to whatever is thrown his way.

I genuinely hope it doesn’t alter who he is at the core.

Loralei, is my boss. I’ve always respected her opinion and her requests. She’s a strong woman that, to me, has continually stood for the right side of the law. She’s encouraged me to reach my potential.

Adiv isn’t the biggest fan of her, but I’m not sure I see why. I listen to his griping, of course, but I can’t say that I know what he’s complaining about.

Then again, I don’t work with her closely as much as he does. He reports directly to her.

And now, I guess I will too.

I’ll have to become a coin like Adiv, and it worries me—the idea of having to be two completely morally different people every day. Is it possible that one personality could kill off the other? That the weaker one would be sacrificial?

I like to believe I’m a mentally strong individual, and that I’ll be able to resist any sort of temptations while doing this. I know why I’m going undercover and this isn’t going to change who I am. I won’t get chewed up and spit out by this lifestyle.