Chapter 3

Gil and I had this rollercoaster cycle for more than half of our relationship. The first instance of that played out in part 2 but it happened multiple times. First, he would flirt with me and we would fuck and things would be wonderful for a bit, then he would push me away leaving me confused and hurt. Each time I would try to keep to myself to process the hurt but each time he would miss me and would pull me back in. It was a nightmare, but the drama of the push and pull made the sex that much hotter! 😫🥵 The first time following the events of part two that this happened, Kali happened to come over during the bad part. Given that Gil had just told me he didn’t want me yet again, I decided, fuck it! ... And by “it” I mean Kali! 🤭 I’ll go ahead and let that night be it’s own story. Kali deserves his stories to be his since he always treated me much better then Gil did and could actually muster honesty and consistency.

After about four or so of these cycles, I talked to my therapist and they pointed out how the cycle put all the control in Gil’s hands. I didn’t even think about it that way but as expected not even two days after that session, Gil pulled away again but this time I was ready for it! 😤 He told me when I got home from work one day that for the fourth time, he wanted to stop and I called out the cycle. I brought up every time he did this to me before and told him he had to mean it this time! Of course he promised he wouldn’t go back on that decision and I called out how he promised that before and went back on it a couple days later. I had hoped he would finally admit he wanted me but he didn’t, he just continued to insist he wouldn’t want me back again. I could tell he wasn’t really taking this cycle or the damage it was doing seriously and I was fed up with him so I said, “Fine, then leave me the fuck alone!” Before walking to my room and slamming my door behind me. I sat in my chair in my room and started crying, like ugly crying. I couldn’t believe he could be so callous about all the pain he was putting me through! 😡

Sure enough, he couldn’t leave well enough alone and came into my room and apologized and started to hug me. I was so distraught that I didn’t stop him. Feeling his hands on me was too much to resist and I couldn’t keep myself from hugging him back. I cried on his shoulder from the pain HE caused me and before long, we were in my bed naked, refreshing the marks we would always leave on each other. After that was done we had what seemed like a nice talk at first but it quickly devolved when me being poly came up. Gil never managed to understand what being poly was all about no matter how much I explained it. He always said the most hurtful, bigoted, polyphobic garbage to me whenever the philosophy of it came up and this was no exception. Literally right after we just got done fucking ten minutes prior he hurt me enough to make me cry AGAIN and I told him to fuck off but he managed to bring the conversation back to an affectionate place by the end of the night and I once again slept in his bed thinking everything would be good between us. The entire cycle played out twice in one night and my dumb ass stayed with him! 😮‍💨