Chapter 23: Summer Flu

It literally broke my heart to leave Isabell standing there. I felt really tired and exhausted, not just physically, but mentally as well. On top of that, my stomach was rumbling. The session was only partly to blame; it was the whole month.

It was only when I left the studio that I fully realized the consequences of being in love with Isabell. This realization hit me like a slap in the face. It would be so much easier if I didn’t care about her, or better yet, if I could hate her.

In the upper basement, I hesitated for a moment, wondering whether to stop by the reception desk first to see if there was an envelope waiting for me or whether to go straight up to my floor. Because I wasn’t feeling well, I decided on the latter.

When I arrived at my apartment, I was blinded by the sun. My blinds were up and I hadn’t drawn the curtains. After two days in artificial spotlight, the sun seemed almost unnatural to me. I needed some fresh air, so I opened the door to the small balcony. I took a chair from the dining table and sat outside. I heard lustful moaning coming from next door. My neighbor was probably online. I had been here for almost a month, but I didn’t even know all my neighbors in the hallway, only about half of the tenants in total.

Tired, I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the warm rays of sunshine on my face. The sounds of the city, the occasional chirping of birds, the smells and the wind, all of it brought me back to reality.

I was living a lie in a fantasy world.

Nothing, absolutely nothing in this house had anything to do with the outside world. The Japanese called the world of entertainment and commercial sex “the floating world,” and that was actually quite accurate.

Out there, in reality, my sister was suffering. That was the only reason I was here.

And Isabell? If I continued on my path, I would endanger her and everyone else in the house. If I lied to my clients, I would jeopardize Nadine’s freedom. But I didn’t want to choose.

Why now?

Why here?

Love had never played a big role in my life. Until now, I had always been able to sit back comfortably and watch with interest: it didn’t affect me!

But no, it had hit me hard. I had to admit that. I wished I had drunk more champagne, or at least had something alcoholic in the house to numb myself with.

A shadow fell across my face and I opened my eyes. Passing clouds covered the late afternoon sun. But there was no sign of the threatened thunderstorm; they were just fluffy clouds. With a slight stomach ache, I got up from the chair and went back inside. I left the balcony door open to let more fresh air in.

I stood in the room, undecided. On the one hand, I was completely exhausted and literally shattered, but on the other hand, I knew that I couldn’t fall asleep now. As soon as I lay down, my thoughts would start racing again. I needed something to calm me down. In the bathroom, I searched through my medicine cabinet. Ibuprofen wasn’t what I needed right now, even though I was feeling quite severe pain all over my body. If only I knew what knockout drug they had given me downstairs, I would have liked to have it now. As I closed the mirror cabinet, I looked at my sleep-deprived face. Suddenly, I felt violently nauseous. I quickly turned to the toilet bowl, lifted the lid, leaned over, and threw up.

The doorbell woke me up very abruptly. After yesterday’s nausea came the chills, I had a fever and a headache started. At some point during the night, my nose started running too. It wasn’t until morning that I fell into a restless sleep. I had heard the phone ringing, but I was too tired and exhausted to answer it.

The ringing was annoying. Still half asleep, I struggled out of bed and shuffled to the door with the blanket over my shoulders. Through the peephole, I recognized Isabell.

“Stay away from me, I have a cold,” I called through the closed door, sniffling.

“Why don’t you answer the phone? Do you know what time it is?”