Chapter 14

I was with both Akemi and Pam, my former girlfriend, working on easing away from the latter but still involved. Funny how complicated emotions can be- entanglement just the right word. I was fretting. Pam in the bedroom, I in the living room, door open between us. The phone rang and I was glad to see it was from Jeffrey, my old friend met at work who’d gone on to greener pastures. He and I found a lot in common beyond the job, including disdain for some aspects of it.

Speaking with Jeff meant escaping from the pressure of emotions, entangling ones which seemed to spread their tentacles throughout my small apartment, from living room to bedroom to kitchen, all I’d got. Two people in it, Pam and me, thoroughly filled the space. We didn’t live together but our involvement permeated both of our lives to a certain extent. We’d been a couple, casually, on and off, a few years and feelings, connections build.

Opportunities to talk with Jeff were fewer than in the past. His changed circumstances left increasingly little of the overlap needed for friendship to flourish. He now lived in Europe- he’d gotten a teaching job there, one a closer match to his interests, which as I said, extended beyond the work we did at the college. But calls were still fairly regular in those days, my last with Pam. Great to pick up the phone and hear Jeff’s voice, a reminder life wasn’t all Sturm and Drang. We had as much fun talking as ever.

And so that was- what’s the right description?- an escape phone call. We both felt it, breathing fresh air, released. Friendships bring feelings of near-exuberance at times, and this was one such.

Our greetings done in a hurry, I started right in on my conundrum, the new thing with Akemi and the old with Pam, whom Jeff knew (he’d met Akemi just once over lunch at a Chinese restaurant and noted how she graciously put food on my plate, “to make a good impression” he said later, adding “Nothing wrong with that”). Akemi knew my friendship with Jeff was important to me and his opinion would matter. Not that she needed to go to any lengths to win me over.

“I got a call from-” I began with Jeff and realized I couldn’t use her name, as my voice might be audible to Pam through the open door to the bedroom where she was busy, airing something out. I didn’t know what to say. Jeff and I had a nickname we’d used for Akemi, “the Jaguar” (she was exotic like that, lithe) but I thought Pam might know it. Instead I threw out “the Queen,” knowing Jeff would understand and hoping Pam wouldn’t, though her ears might perk at the strange word. The tone of my voice as well could tip her off- it wouldn’t sound as usual, didn’t when I talked about Akemi, not least when trying to hide the fact!

I outlined to my friend the torment I was going through, trying to jump from one love affair to another- it wasn’t something to be proud of but hey, we’re human. I noted I had feelings for Pam that blocked me from just dumping her. Etc. Etc.

Jeff heard me out and while I was paused between statements I wanted to make- there were a lot, coming in a hurry, but sometimes you have to stop for breath even when on a verbal tear- Jeff took the opportunity to speak of his own circumstances and complained about his relationship with Martha, the woman he’d been with for years who had brought him to Europe (her home; she’d tired of messing around in the U.S. and wanted to go back, start something).Jeff said stuff she did got on his nerves and gave some examples. I heard the stress, almost desperation in his voice, like he’d been wanting to unburden himself for a while and been unable to; as yet there were probably no close friendships in the environment to which he’d transplanted himself. I guess the phone call had released this pent-up feelings; hearing my troubles prompted him to reveal his. They surprised me. Until then I’d known only good news about him and Martha. They seemed such a happy couple I even felt some envy at the harmonious life they led- in contrast to mine: ragged, fraying, ripping apart it seemed at times.