Chapter 3

October 21st, 1983 continued

“You’re staying to meet them, so just get dressed and go sit and watch asteroids for a while or something.” Laurel finished with a little giggle ... So, that’s how I met my future in-laws the same day as I started dating their daughter.

Ahem. Ok, Ok, I hadn’t actually proposed (though it was a near thing at least twice tonight!) and I’m not doing the ‘foreshadowing’ thing, let alone ‘foretelling’ the story. But I did meet the parents of my first lover at 11:15 on the greatest night of my life, (thus far) and it could have gone a lot worse!

The thing you have to remember about me is that I’m a take charge kind of guy ... unless a girl I like is telling me what to do. Yeah, I didn’t think you’d buy that.

I know that I’ve overused the ‘smitten’ thing, but let’s be honest: Just hours before I had had sex for the first time, (really, really great sex!). Then I’d enjoyed a genuinely wonderful dinner with the lovely young woman who I’d shared ‘losing it’ with. I had no real curfew (it was an ‘adult party’ night) so I really had no sense of urgency to get home.

But, I should have been anxious to get out of there, right?

Especially after going through all of that effort not to get caught, let alone leave a trace that I’d been there at all. And yet my girlfriend told me that I should stay to meet her parents.

And somehow, I trusted Laurel. Really, really trusted her.

So, after double checking that I was presentable, and triple checking that we had left no evidence, I sat on the couch, turned on the T.V., and flipped the channel.

Have you ever watched BBC late at night? Two words: Benny Hill. Who Knew!?

Thankfully, either because I’d had my actual hands on two very fine actual boo ... breasts just a few hours ago, I managed to change the channel. I was sweating there for a while, the image of Laurel’s parents coming into the living room to find a strange boy watching naked boo ... Sorry, sorry, to this day whenever I see a pair of breasts bouncing around on a screen they are automagically renamed boobies in my head. I promise I’ll try harder.

So, yeah, the very idea that I could have gotten caught actually scared me for several minutes after I’d already changed the channel. Now I can look back and realize that my nerves were genuinely frayed as I sat there, pretending that my trust in my girlfriend wasn’t going to lead to a firing squad. I kept having visions of her parents suddenly melting out of the dark hallway like ninjas to ask who the heck I was.

My girlfriend kept a running commentary about her parents from her bedroom as she tried and rejected outfits. At least, that’s what she said she was doing. I got ‘shooed’ if I tried to peek. I have no idea how she knew I was there.

Laurel told me that her father was named Vern, that he was a Marine, and he ran a hardware store. She taught me the ‘Once a Marine, Always a Marine’ motto, and stressed that I Needed To Know It. I nodded my head, unseen by the young woman down the hallway, as she terrified me with her account of her father, the war hero.

She also told me that her mother was named Verlene, and that she was a stay-at-home mom who ‘volunteered a lot’. I barely kept from snorting at her crack about them being hillbillies, though apparently they did grow up together in a small farming town in Kansas.

I kept envisioning Vern as this massive bear of a man (Marines were all intimidating, right?) who would come in and growl at me before grabbing me and (insert gradually increasingly violent outcomes).

Thankfully, Laurel had managed to figure out what she wanted to wear so that when her parents finally got home, I wasn’t some stranger sitting alone on their couch watching T.V.

I was some stranger sitting rather close to their daughter on their couch, watching T.V.

And, true to my fears, they managed to walk into the living room without either of us noticing that they’d come home. Hey, Masterpiece was showing “The Six Wives of Henry VIII”, and we were into it!

So, yeah, I about jumped out of my skin when a soft, sweet voice asked, “Laurie, won’t you introduce us to your friend?”

Laurel let out a little shriek, and I tried to leap up to my feet. Then fell back with my girlfriend’s weight clinging to my chest. I began coughing, her elbow having driven the air from my lungs as she basically tried to climb me while I was still trying to get up.

The first thing I noticed about the Andersen’s was how Old they were. I mean, really old. (I later found out that they were in their fifties and that Laurel had been a ‘surprise baby’).

The light from the T.V. wasn’t great, but I could see that Verlene looked like a shorter version of her daughter. Same hair length, though styled better, and more to the point it appeared to be the same color. Her face was just as pretty, but anything beyond that was lost in the shadows. The shadow that her husband was casting as she stood at his side.

Verlene seemed rather tiny next to her husband ... then again, I felt tiny next to him. While his grey hair glinted almost white in the flickering light from the television, there was no denying that the man was a beast! He had a huge barrel chest, stood way over six feet tall, and had arms that did that ‘bowed-out from muscles’ thing. (Spoiler: My initial impression was totally wrong. The light from the T.V. cast crazy shadows, I was scared senseless, and was sitting while looking up at him. In reality, Vern was not really much bigger than me. At the time he looked scarier than a rabid Rottweiler, but remember, I did fit in his ‘lean’ clothes.)

Anyway, regardless of his actual dimensions, he was staring at me like he was trying to figure out how to twist my limbs off.

Well, maybe he had a bit of cause to be upset. Laurel’s response to her parents surprising us had been to glomp onto me with her arms wrapped around my neck and chest, her head buried under one of my armpits ... And her long legs completely clenched around my waist. Her bare legs.

Earlier, when she had sat down on the couch, the hem of her modest, calf-length dress was not even raised above her knees. She had sat demurely, knees together, facing away from me, but had gradually laid back against my upper chest as we got into the show.

Then, her folks ninja scared us and the above scene unfolded. I have no idea how she went from facing away from me to imitating a koala - while exposing her legs clear up to her upper thighs.

Regardless of how she got there, Vern was Obviously Not Impressed.

I’ll always look back on the next hour of my life and wonder how I talked my way out of the aforementioned firing squad. Not only did Vern and Verlene tag team every detail of this afternoon and evening from us. But they did it calmly, and with milk and cookies.

Backing up a bit, the evening went like this:

“Laurel Marie Andersen!” You know you’re in trouble when your parents invoke ‘The Full Name’. That her little bitty mother was the one who was speaking was immaterial. More impressive was the fact that her voice was neither raised nor pitched above conversational speech.

However Laurel had managed to ‘koala’ me, she was suddenly standing - a full three feet away from me. I was starting to seriously consider the ninja theory!

Her mother continued, still without raising her volume or stressing her words, “Kitchen, I’ll get the milk and coffee for dad, you get the cookies, cup and glasses.”

Laurel scurried down the hallway. Verlene gave me an inscrutable look, like a half-smile-half-grimace, shook her head, and followed her daughter’s footsteps.

I got up. I took my time, but, once I was standing, I was lost. I honestly did not know what the heck to do, where the heck to look, and most certainly had no clue what the heck to say.

“Well,” rumbled out Marine Staff Sergeant Andersen, “let’s go see if Verlene has any walnut chocolate chip.” His big paw fell on my shoulder and ... he gently guided me down the hall.

Verlene confirmed that I preferred milk to coffee. Vern said I shouldn’t start drinking coffee until after I’d enlisted. Verlene tutted about not every man needing to go get shot at. Vern grinned, Verlene huffed, and I finally got a look at Laurel’s face.

She looked ... happy. Serene even. She pushed the large platter piled high with cookies a few inches towards me.

“Grab a chocolate chip before daddy eats them all. They’ve got walnuts, is that ok?” Her voice was the same soft, caring, sweet lilt that I’d grown to adore. She sat across the table from me, her mother stood to my left, (pouring a tall glass of milk from a pitcher) and her Marine Staff Sergeant father sat to my right. He was reaching to grab some cookies.

“Uh, do we say Grace before cookies?” I asked. I mean, we said a simple Grace before every meal at home, so ... oh, crap, I told you I had no idea what the heck to say!

Verlene’s smile was gentle but I liked how it met her eyes. I could see the beauty that Laurel had to look forward to. Laurel fairly beamed her smile at me. Vern, well, he snorted, grinned, and dropped his cookie on his plate.

“Go ahead,” the not-as-intimidatingly-huge man said with a small wave.

‘Oh.’ I thought, “Uhm,” I dithered. Then the words flowed, just like they had since I was old enough to remember them:

“Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, Our Lord.”

“Hmmm,” Vern hummed, “Never prayed over cookies before, I wonder if they’ll taste better?” He finished with a grin, and put words - and cookies - to action. He took a bite, ‘Hmmmd’ again, dipped a cookie in his coffee, and finished it off. He started the process on the next cookie, and then another. I glanced at my girlfriend to stop staring at the dwindling pile in front of Vern.

Laurel still looked at me with doe eyes. I reflexively smiled a dopey grin back at her. Her mom gave a little chuff, maybe a laugh?

Verlene’s smile was now affectionate, if I read her look correctly. As for me, I realized that I was hungry, and that the Marine really liked those cookies. I had to grab one before he gobbled them all!

Laurel pushed three more off the platter and onto my plate and I smiled in thanks. She then launched into a ‘G rated’ version of our wonderful first date. Meanwhile, the cookies miraculously dwindled from ‘dozens’ to crumbs.

Cookies eaten and milk or coffee drained with satisfied ‘ahhh’s’, Laurel gathered the dishes and began washing them in the sink.

Somehow, the milk and cookies had mellowed me to the point that I’d forgotten all about the firing squad.

“So,” Verlene began in that same even, smooth voice. “You’re the Taylor boy Laurel has been talking about since last year. Jason, right?”

Oh, crap! Oh, no! How could I have forgotten to introduce myself? I actually frowned at Laurel’s back, and then noticed her shoulders stiffen. She should have introduced me...

I took a deep breath, relaxed, gave good old ‘objective reasoning’ a once over, and breathed out.

“I’m so sorry!”... “I’m sorry” Laurel and I spoke over each other, her voice pitched with worry, mine rising at the end as my girlfriend’s anxiety fed my own.

Verlene tsk’d away our concerns, gave a single glance at the sink, and Laurel returned to her task. “It wasn’t meant to chastise, though Laurie sure hasn’t gone about this whole thing in the usual way, so manners are the least of our concerns.”

Did she mean worrying about getting her daughter pregnant? I immediately thought about Laurel’s guarantee of her double-protection and forced myself to relax. It never occurred to me that sex shouldn’t be their first assumption ... guilt is funny that way.

I realized that my mind had been wandering, I glanced at the Marine and found him leaning way back in his chair, the picture of a man relaxing at the table.

Verlene, on the other hand, steadily met my eyes when I glanced her way. “Something you want to tell us?” She interrogated.

I felt Laurel looking at me, but resisted looking back.

“Laurel and I have started dating.” I opened with, hoping against hope that Verlene would get excited and distracted at the news.

“Good,” she stated, “anything else?”

I blinked. Expecting some guidance from my girlfriend, I glanced up to see Laurel’s doe-eyed stare looking back at me.

Did I mention her eyes are amazing? I think I was smitten. Again. A lot of that going around.

“I think I love her,” came out, fell out, really. Just leaped straight out of my heart, no filters, no reasoning - objective or otherwise. Laurel’s adoring gaze just pulled it right out of me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Laurel squeaked.

Vern snorted, coughed to cover it, hummed a little, and went silent.

Verlene let out a longsuffering sigh.

I had no idea what anyone’s face looked like, I had suddenly found the patterns on the tablecloth utterly fascinating!

Have you ever sat in an awkward silence with mostly-strangers and your girlfriend of not-quite-half a day and just ... waited for someone to break? If so, how long did you last? I remembered my dad saying that the first person to speak in a negotiation had already lost the initiative, or something like that. I’d never understood that before. Honestly, right then I was not trying to gain any advantage, I just had no clue as to what to say!

One hundred and eight seconds. For our little, uh, discussion that is. Well, the silent part.

Oh, there were noises. Vern seemed to make strange ‘opening his mouth to say something and then closing it at a stern look from his wife’ noises. But I could have been imagining things.

Boy, Verlene sure could let out some long, longsuffering sighs.

“So,” Verlene finally began, and I restrained myself from a fist-pump of victory. My competitive side was irrational like that. “Laurie, you’ve pined after this boy for a year, and just last week you made it clear that he hadn’t noticed you, or any girl as far as you could tell.”

I risked another glance at my girlfriend, she’s really cute when she blushes. Verlene spoke again, distracting me from mooning at my super cute girlfriend. I suddenly found the tablecloth fascinating again.

“But as much as you’ve talked about Jason this and Jason that, tonight is the first time we’ve met him. And, right off the bat, he’s not just your boyfriend, but he thinks he loves you, is that about right?”

Remember how impressed I was at Verlene’s ability to speak so calmly and evenly, but still drive a point home? Yeah, it was starting to get unnerving.