Teaming With the Shrew
Copyright© 2025 by Argon
Chapter 12: Lucy
We moved into our new apartment barely before shooting for the next season started. For the time being, we stuck with our combined old furniture since time was too short for anything else. In turn, Samantha Farnwell, a.k.a. Lady Tamara, moved into my old place, and her bank draft went a long way towards paying for our new digs.
Jean was back, too, after supporting Cherry during her tour dates. She even had five gigs in a Vegas hotel, and she was back in LA now for a final ten evenings at the Palladium, now closing the lineup. She was staying with Jean now, and it seemed that they had something more going than just planning gigs and travel. She was also slated for our second episode of the season.
By then, we had six episode scripts in place, and a number of guest stars queued up. The first episode was about Germaine moving out, and we shot it before her new show started. She hugged each of us before she left our soundstage for the last time. The legend for her leaving us was that she had met an old flame of hers, and she was following him to the East Coast. We were all a bit bummed over her leaving, and apparently, so were many of our fans.
Our problem was that we had no replacement for her. At least, the next two episodes, with Cherry in them, were hoots, even if I say so myself. Pris and Ricky discover to their dismay that the entire plumbing in the rented house is on its last leg. The landlord, unable to see to things, tells Pris to have it fixed, and Pris, through our former roomy, Terry Duke, finds pipe-fitter extraordinaire Cherry. In the script, Cherry needs a place to stay, and agrees to renew the plumbing in exchange for getting the free bedroom. Her character is English of course and trying to make it on the comedy circuit, but she has few paying gigs and must make ends meet. She and Ricky clash constantly, with her calling him with all the colorful epithets of the English language, and Pris is unnerved by the brash, 6’3” giantess barging into the bathroom to find a leak while proper Pris is showering. We all had a great time, and so, apparently, had the viewers. Cherry, too, found it rewarding, garnering her three appearances in network late night shows and another two weeks worth of appearances in an upscale nightclub.
The episodes also established Terry Duke as recurring guest star, working as receptionist in Pris’s law firm, and being her sounding board and only friend at work.
George Ernestine, one of the writers, had also come up with a great twist, with which we started in episode 4. Pris sees one of the partners in her law firm leaving a hotel with a young girl in a club outfit, and she reads him the riot act over being with a hooker. It turns out, the girl is the partner’s extroverted daughter, and Pris gets fired on the spot.
Episode 5 then sees Pris starting her own one-person law firm, with Terry accepting the job as receptionist. This opened up the chance for the writers to have a plethora of wacky clients annoying Pris in future episodes. Pris even needs to accept a loan from Ricky to rent office space, flustering her to no end.
We were in the midst of recording Episode 6, with Pris forced to represent whack jobs filing nuisance suits, when I received a call from Gingham. Having shot my two scenes for the day, I took my phone to my office.
“Rick, can you talk now?”
“Yes, I’m in my office. What can I do for you, Marc?”
“We have a situation on our hands. You know Denny Menendez?”
“Not really; I know of him, but not much.”
“He got tasered three days ago in the dressing room of a female actress. She’s filling in for the season, and he’s tried to seduce her for weeks. On Monday, he barged into her room and locked the door from the inside.”
“Oh, shit!”
“Oh shit is right. She jolted him with 40,000 Volts or something and then screamed the house down. Fortunately I was there, and I could separate the warring parties. The girl was in her underwear and Denny opened the door with a spare key he had. I’ve reviewed the security videos and they don’t look good for him. Anyway, we got hit with multiple lawsuits yesterday. The girl somehow wangled getting represented by Jane McCauley of Warner, Hartwell & Mitchell, and they allege sexual misconduct by Denny, but also lack of security and oversight, plus a hostile work environment. They also found out about three earlier incidents when Menendez had to pay off complainants, and now they claim that we left a known predator roaming the studios. Shit, I had never heard of that!”
“Shit, that’s a nightmare. Who’s the girl?”
“A newbie by the name of Lucy Tanner.”
“I’ve seen her on YouTube last year. She had a channel with another college girl. We actually tried to get her as Germaine’s replacement.”
“Shit! That would have avoided this whole thing.”
“Or not. Marc, I’m sorry, but it looks like this could have happened with any young actress on that show. You can count yourself lucky that the girl had the presence of mind to zap the shit out of that asshole. Can you cancel the show?”
“Impossible. It would cost us over twenty million in ad time alone. I’m thinking of putting him under guard and killing the show off after the season. I also need something to placate the Tanner girl. Are you still looking for a cast member? I’d view that as a favor, Rick.”
“I don’t know. I’ve only seen her vlog. We could start her as recurring guest, but I’d like to meet her and get a feel ... an impression of her.”
“Nice catch. We can pay her from a discretionary budget. It has to be juicy to make her drop the law suits, and I can’t saddle you with those costs.”
“That may help, but still, we’d have to meet her first. I’m not saying no, but remember that Jenn has that rider on her contract.”
“Who would have to approve her?”
“Sharon, Jenn and I.”
“Sharon is okay with the idea, but she told me you had to be on board for it to work. I forgot about Jenn’s veto.”
“Do you think the Tanner girl is okay with being on UI? We are a step or two down from Menendez for her.”
“I’ll meet with her and McCauley tomorrow at ten. Do you think you could be there? My office.”
“Hey, you’re the boss; I’ll be there. I have no scene scheduled for tomorrow morning. I can sound out Jenn, too.”
“That would be helpful. We’ll offer to provide a chaperone for her for when she’s on studio grounds, a woman.”
“Let’s see what her demands are. Oh, that girl from Philly, the writer prospect, she was her partner in the YouTube channel. She’ll join us come February. That should make it more comfortable.”
“Great! I hope this’ll work out, Rick. See you at ten?”
“Of course. Take care, Marc!”
I could not help but rub my hands. We had wanted the girl, and now we wouldn’t even have to pay her?
When I entered Sharon’s office, she was grinning, too.
“Marc called you?”
“Yep! Is that a sweet deal or not?” I gave back.
“You know the best? The money for her will come from the Menendez show budget! You think she’ll do it?”
“We may find out tomorrow. It all depends on what her agents have told her. I mean, Menendez is quite a bit more popular than we.”
Sharon made a waffling movement. “Not so sure about that. For a newbie in her early twenties, UI is more attractive. I also heard that Porterhouse dropped her after she tasered Menendez.”
“Real supportive, aren’t they?”
“Not everybody is like Elise Jordan, playing nanny for her clients.”
“Will you join us in Marc’s office?”
“Nope. I think you’ll be best for the job. You’re a face of UI, and you know our needs. Frankly, Ricky, if we stay on the air for another two years, you’ll probably inherit my job. Marc plans to groom me for upstairs.”
“Do I want that?”
“That’s for you to decide. Oh, did the dominatrix lady accept?”
“Yes. We’ll slot her into episodes eight and nine. We may get Walt Schaefer to play the hunky sub.” Schaefer is, well you know him from his action movies and from his past in MMA. He was interested but had to convince his agent first.
“Jeez, how did you do that?”
“Jenn may have to appear as prissy hostage in one of his next projects. We’re still in negotiations.”
“Nice goings! Okay, sit in tomorrow and try not to screw things up. Check your zipper before you meet them.”
“In the interest of full disclosure I may have to mention that the executive producer digs girls.”
A wadded up note from her desk landed in my face. “Behave!”
The way home after work did not afford us much time for talking anymore. The three and a half miles were covered in well under fifteen minutes in our newly acquired BMW Z3. It was over sixteen years old, but had stood in a garage most of the time, with just sixteen thousand miles on the clock. Jenn loved it, and most of the time, I was sitting in the right seat. Commuting was ridiculously short.
At dinner, which I cooked, I told Jenn about Lucy Tanner and how we could get her for free.
“The poor girl!” Jenn said when I was done. “Coming here thinking she’d have a great start, and then this! She’s represented by Hartwell’s firm?”
“Yeah. Marc has no clue how she managed that.”
“Let’s find out,” Jenn grinned, pulling out her smartphone. A few moments later, she had Mel Renault on the phone. “Hi, Mel! Jenn here ... Yes, Rick says hi, too ... How’s David? ... Oh, poor you! ... Tell him I said hello. Listen, the reason I’m calling is we’ll be interviewing somebody tomorrow, and she is represented by your uncle’s firm. She’s a total newbie, and we’re wondering how she can afford ... Yes, Lucy Tanner ... Really? Okay, that’s the reason ... At the Lakers, huh? ... Okay, that’s understandable ... Yes, they’ll offer her a recurring guest star rating. Ricky’s okay with it ... We put up with David, and she can’t be worse ... See! I’m glad you concur with me ... Yes, we’re living in Glendale now. It’s great. We need only ten minutes to work ... Yes, sure! Tell her. Her salary will come out of Denny’s budget ... Yes, thanks, Mel! See you soon!”
Jenn turned to me. “The girl felt that she was in deep shit, but she met Mel at a Lakers game and asked for advice. Mel arranged for one of her uncle’s lawyers to represent her. So far, pro bono. Mel will call her and tell her about our interest.”
“That may help. We’ll see tomorrow. If she doesn’t want to join us or she doesn’t work out, we’ll have to look for another fresh face.”
Since we could do nothing before the next morning, we worked together in our new kitchen preparing and baking West Country pies for dinner. Jenn had learned this as a girl, and I was getting the hang of it, too, and it was something you could not find anywhere that we knew in LA.
Lucy Tanner was tense when she and her lawyer walked into the small conference room adjacent to Marc’s office. From our side, there was Marc of course, James Blundell from Legal, and yours truly. Marc handled the introductions and his assistant offered beverages. Ms. Tanner looked at me dubiously. I get that a lot. People take me for the character I play, or the image they formed of me while watching my smut flics. I kept my face neutral and just nodded.
“Thank you for coming, Ms. Tanner, Ms. McCauley. If you will allow me, I would like to start with the measures we have instituted to prevent a repeat of the repulsive treatment Ms. Tanner and others suffered or may suffer.
“Firstly, Mister Menendez will be under strict control by studio-employed security personnel at all times when he is on NBS property.
“Secondly, The Denny Menendez Show will be terminated after this last season. We have contractual obligations forcing us to finish the season.
“Thirdly, all dressing room locks were exchanged, and access to keys will be only through Legal Services. Security operatives will be present near the dressing rooms at all times during and immediately after shooting.
“Fourth, cast and staff of The Denny Menendez Show were made aware of our anti-mobbing guidelines. I understand that they are affected by our decisions, but they were warned not to let out their frustration on the wrong person. Do we meet your expectations on these matters?”
McCauley nodded. “Yes, it seems to me that you reacted appropriately to the incident. Yet, the whole affair leaves my client as affected and more than the other cast members.”
“Yes, this is my next point. Ms. Tanner, we are aware how much this ... appalling behavior by a colleague is coloring your impression of the studio and of your profession in general. We have weighed the options, and we would offer you a fresh start with another show. We are confident that the experience will show you that being an actress in NBS studio productions can be pleasant, satisfying and free of any undue pressures.
“I would also like to point out that the producers of the show that we have in mind for you were actually trying to win you for their cast before you signed on for TDMS. They were disappointed when they could not get you, and now they are happy to offer a position on their cast. Mister Borgward, could you please continue?”
All eyes shifted to me.
“Hi, I’m Richard Borgward. I am a cast member and also co-producer of the comedy show Utilities Included, which this year is broadcast Wednesdays at 10:00 pm. We had indeed scouted you after watching you perform in your YouTube format, but Porterhouse never contacted us. What we envision for you is a recurrent guest starring role in the series for this season. Frankly, we have no idea yet how to form your character, since all this came rather sudden, but our writers are good, and they take any input from cast members seriously.
“Our show prides itself on the excellent team-oriented attitude of cast and crew, and nothing of the sort of conduct you experienced will happen on our sets. We do have stressful moments, but we also have at least as much laughs at work as our viewers when watching.”
McCauley cleared her throat. “Mister Borgward, thank you for the offer. I have a few questions though. Your show is known for its sexual innuendo and undertones, mostly revolving around guest stars from the adult entertainment industry. I am a little worried that Ms. Tanner’s public image might suffer.”
“I can answer that. In the course of the last season we slowly phased out guest starring roles for adult entertainers, using mainstream colleagues from other NBS shows instead. This trend is being continued in this season, with the exception of Ms. Terry Duke who is now a recurrent guest star and a wonderful colleague. Any of the talent we had on the show is morally superior to the man who caused this upheaval.
“As you surely know, we also had an Oscar-winning actress joining us for a two-episode arc, a woman suffering a devastating brush with sexualized violence in her youth. She offered to be back again. I believe that should answer your question.”
“Oh, yes, bring my boss’s niece into play,” McCauley grumped half-jokingly. “Ms. Tanner, have you any questions?”
Tanner nodded. “Is it true that Chris DiBiasi will join your production?”
“She and I signed a contract to that effect, yes. She will be an intern with the writers.”
“I was not really happy with the character I had to play. It ... just wasn’t me. I mean, me a hockey player?”
“I’ll tell you a secret. I never watched TDMS in my life. So far, we have always taken the personality of a cast member or guest star as the basis for a ... let’s say, caricature of the actor or actress. You see, I am the porn star in the series, with much exaggeration and embellishment. Ms. Saint David is also playing a wildly exaggerated version of herself. For you, we might make you an overblown you tuber personality or a young actress living by performing in cheesy late night commercials. Can you see that?”
For the first time, I could see Tanner smile. She was gorgeous when she smiled.
“You mean I can have input, too?”
“Absolutely. I developed my character together with the writers. As viewers will soon see, we let the characters develop, too.”
“When would you see me starting?”
“Immediately. At first, of course, you would have to work with me and the writers to define your character. Then, episodes will have to be conceptualized and written, always with feedback from the cast. You won’t appear in a broadcasted episode before late December, since our storyline is already mapped out until Episode 11. We would have you on our team and cast meetings right from the start, so you can get your bearings. If you decide to join us, we’ll have a small welcoming party for you, so that you can meet cast and crew socially. We rely a lot on the chemistry of our team.”
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