Chapter 1: At the Front Door

I found Diane’s house with some difficulty. She lived on the edge of a suburb, where subdivisions of tightly spaced new homes were next to large lots around older houses. The sign identifying the lane she lived on was missing, but the navigation screen in my car showed me the way.

Diane and I had been on a few dates after I answered an online ad with the title “Must Love Dogs.” We were both in our forties and previously married and divorced. I found on our first date that her posted photos didn’t do her justice.

“Diane, is there a reason you posted such unflattering photos in your online ad?”

“What do you mean, Jeff?”

“I think you are very attractive. I’d even say, hot, if you’ll forgive me for being so direct. Those pictures in your ad show a tired woman in her fifties or sixties wearing frumpy clothes, not the bombshell sitting here with me now.”

“I didn’t want the wrong kind of guys to respond to the ad. It’s better to have them be pleasantly surprised when they meet me in person.”

“I promise, ‘pleasantly surprised’ understates how I feel. Diane, can we talk about the dogs? How many, what kind, things like that.”

“I don’t have a simple answer for that. I can tell you that I don’t have any actual dogs at the moment. Let me come back to that later.”

After our third date, Diane agreed to my request; I wanted to visit her home and meet her two daughters, Tillie and Annie.

“You’ve impressed me, Jeff. But I need you to be prepared. You’re going to see a lot of unexpected and strange things. You need to be very flexible and tolerant; you’ll be surprised and shocked, I’m sure. All I can tell you now is that if you can accept us, I will be grateful and affectionate.”

Diane’s home, a single-story ranch house, was designed in the mid-twentieth century and remains in good condition despite being seven decades old. A large lot with many trees surrounded the house, providing plenty of privacy.

I walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell.

“Yeah?”

A tall young woman, possibly a high school senior or recent graduate, answered the door. She wore a t-shirt just long enough to cover her crotch. Printed on the shirt was the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind album (the one with the swimming toddler). She had a tiny stud in her nose and a half-dozen ear piercings.

“I’m Jeff Carter. I’ve been dating Diane; she should have told you I was coming. Are you Tillie?”

“I am. She’s in the back; go around the house.”

Tillie shut the door. I shrugged and walked around to the back. When I found Diane, I stopped in my tracks. Whoa! Naked and bent at the waist, she used a hand trowel to dig in a small vegetable garden. I watched her straighten up and smile at me.

I was NOT prepared. Tillie was 18-ish, but Diane’s body suggested she was only 9 when she was pregnant. Her body was nearly flawless, as far as I could see. And I could see a lot! She had generous breasts, a firm ass, muscular thighs, and just a little bit of a tummy.

“You’re staring, Jeff. At least you’re smiling, so I’m not making you queasy.”

“Don’t be silly. I thought you were dazzling out in public with your clothes on. Now I’m struggling for words.”

“Oh, come on. I’m forty-one years old. Tillie is nineteen, so I was 22.”

“This is a rude thing to say, but I wonder if your daughters are adopted. Having children did all kinds of things to my mother’s body that aren’t showing on yours.”

“No, Jeff, I pushed both girls out of my vagina. Believe me, I remember all of it. I think I’m just one of those women who recovers well, like a celebrity. Just call me Diane Kardashian.”

“Kim Kardashian is a hideous troll compared to you, Diane.”

But she scowled.

“Don’t you dare lie to me. Jeff, you can be honest, or you can go get in your car right now and take off. I hate bullshit.”

“I’m sorry. Really. But I’m sincere in my appreciation.”

She glanced at my crotch and smiled. I don’t think I was all that swollen (yet!), but I think she was trying to lighten the mood.

“I guess I forgot to mention our household policy.”

“Policy?”

“Jeff, I don’t wear clothes at home. It’s just us girls, after all. I guess you came around the side of the house and Tillie didn’t greet you at the front door.”

“No, Diane, Tillie answered the doorbell, told me to go around, and shut the door. It was very brief.”

“She wasn’t naked?”

“No, she had on a Nirvana t-shirt.”

“That’s MY shirt. She has no idea who Nirvana was. I’ll bet she threw it on when she heard the bell. You missed out; she’s got a tight body. You’ll have other opportunities to see it. Oh, stop pretending you’re uninterested. You’re free to enjoy all three of us.”

Diane took another look between my legs, without being subtle. Uh-oh. Does her home nudity policy also apply to visitors?

“Yeah, Jeff, I’m serious.”

Nervous, I wanted to change the subject.

“I haven’t met your other daughter. Is Annie here?”

“She’s here. I suppose she’s resting, since she’s being quiet.”

Diane’s eyes flicked away, farther into the yard. But the only thing out there was a children’s playhouse, a little one-room cabin only big enough to fit two or three small children inside.

A bone icon ( 🦴 ) mounted above the door indicated it was a doghouse, perhaps, instead of a playhouse. Interesting.

“You’ll see Annie at dinner, I’m sure. You ARE staying for dinner, aren’t you?”

“If you’re inviting me, sure. But I didn’t bring anything...”

“Forget that. I do have a rule, though. If I make your dinner, you have to clean up afterwards. It’ll be easy, I have a dishwasher.”

“Daughters?”

“No, I mean a machine. Is that what your mother said?”

“Yeah, she thought it was funny. But when I was older, I realized washing up was something I should do for her.”

“Was she a single mom?”

“No, but my father was away so much that it was just the two of us most of the time.”

“I see. Wait, let me circle back. Jeff, why did you say your mother showed a lot of wear and tear from being pregnant?”

“She had stretch marks all over her belly and over her hips. Her breasts were quite saggy; the nipples pointed down instead of out. She blamed me, saying they shrunk when I stopped nursing.”

“And you saw these things on her body because...”

“She was a nudist, too. I couldn’t bring anybody over to my house without calling first so she could put some clothes on. I suppose you had a similar rule with your daughters.”