Chapter 1: Locomotive

Present Day:

I stared at my sleeping son and gathered my thoughts. It was weird that some memories seemed to come back so much easier to me than others. The entirety of inane conversations seemed to be as clear as crystal in my mind, whereas other things I knew were important just seemed a bit out of grasp.

I took another sip of my tea knowing I’d need a new cup soon as this one was quickly growing cold. I found my voice again, “The summer between junior and senior years...”

June; A Jazz Thursday

It was about three weeks after the competition that there was a real change in my life. Since the whispered, “Maybe.” I was only half certain I’d heard she’d taken to cuddling with me on the couch during our sessions. I reveled in it far more than I should have, but I absolutely refused to make a move. I was a bit worried about repeating my mistakes, still too naïve to realize I had plenty of new ones to make and more so ruining what was probably the most stable relationship I had.

That was why the kiss still came as a surprise. I had my eyes closed and we were listening to Pithecanthropus Erectus by Mingus. The kiss was as tentative as our first ‘real’ kiss had been and I met it the same way with force. The kiss turned into a necking session, my hands roaming her body for the first time. I explored her with fervor, grazing the fields she provided. I started in the extremities and moved through creeks to the hills so much larger than my hands. From there down into the flatlands, when I gained access to the valley, I desired Sarah finally spoke. She spoke in her dulcet tone made breathless by the activities she’d instigated, “We shouldn’t be doing this, Baby.”

I silenced her with my tongue. It had a war to wage with its measure and match and I had a world to explore in mine. She wanted this. She wanted me and the twin-beating stone that lay where my heart should’ve been could barely handle that. She put her hand over my mouth forcing it between her lips and mine her neck straining to get around it, “Seriously Baby stop. What would Alex think?”

“That I’ve got someone hotter than she is?”

“Don’t flatter me, baby. We really shouldn’t do this.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re in love with my daughter?”

“That’s not a reason. We both know any chance of that happening is over.”

“Because my daughter would be upset.”

“So, she makes your decisions for you now?”

“No, baby but I don’t want to upset her.”

“Does she consider if her actions are going to upset you or me?”

“Sometimes.” “Not that I’ve ever seen. Were you enjoying making out with me?”

“yes, but...”

“No buts. Give me one good reason you and I shouldn’t do something together that gives us both pleasure.”

“Pleasure shouldn’t hurt people you love.”

“Giving pleasure to someone I love at the theoretical expense of pain to another I love on the off chance she finds out seems like a good deal.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m saying you’re assuming Alex will find out. When has she ever come here on a Thursday? Or a Tuesday or Saturday for that matter? She only sleeps here on Sundays. She’s always with Me, Lis, or Beth.”

“I know.”

“So, why can’t we enjoy ourselves.”

“You are only 15,”

‘I’ll be 16 in a few months, besides I’m not planning on pressing charges.”

“We don’t have a future.”

Okay, there has to have been a briefing. Make sure you tell the boy you don’t have a future.

“According to whom?”

“Secrets, the age difference, we don’t have a future.”

“Even assuming you’re right, why should we not enjoy our lives now just because we don’t have a white dress and decimal children to look forward to? Pleasure is what makes life worth living, good people, good music, good food, good sex.”

“We were just making out baby.”

“Same principle.”

“You want to have sex with me don’t you?”

“Congratulations, you’ve recognized I’m male.”

Something your daughter never managed ... oh, fuck off ... I’m arguing with myself, and it isn’t the other? Weird.

“Not every guy wants to sleep with me.”

“Sure, some of them are gay.”

“Flattery again.” She shook her head as if to dismiss my statement as childish. “Why don’t we just cuddle? Next week we’ll talk some more.”

Late July:

It was slow in terms of progress. Every step forward had a resounding half step back. Things finally took a real turn during a jazz Thursday session on Sarah’s couch. We’d started out listening to Thelonius Himself and grading papers, but after the record had been flipped the boundaries slipped. The record had stopped spinning at least 30 minutes ago, when with one slight tweak of clit and she giggled and convulsed. “That was beautiful, Sarah. The first of many.”

“Not today. I think we need to take a break?”

“Not willing to reciprocate?”

“I, I don’t want to leave you suffering, but I’m not ready for that.”

“Ok, I understand. Hopefully next time ... and maybe I can get my tongue in you.”

She stared at me in disbelief, “Thank you for understanding and making me cum, it cleared my head.”

“Cleared your head enough to tell you aren’t ready for more?”

“Yes, unfortunately. But I also know that the Rubicon has been crossed.”