Chapter 7: Lies of Omission

At three o’clock Saturday, I returned to Ben’s house hoping for reconciliation. I hoped he would understand, as my parents did, the reason for my anger. Ben greeted me wearing his best suit, and the house was perfectly tidy and decorated with a huge flower arrangement.

“Everything looks so nice, Ben, including you. I should go put on a dress.”

“Maybe later, I want to take you out for dinner tonight after we talk. Iris, I know yesterday was a terrible shock, and I’m very sorry for upsetting you. I hope we never see that woman again.”

“Ben, let’s sit down and talk. Anna is a symptom, not a cause. I’m not worryied that she will—that you will prefer her and her giant jugs over me. Up until yesterday, you seemed to find my bosom entirely satisfactory.”

He put his face in his hand for a moment.

“I can’t... ‘Satisfactory’ is such an inadequate word for your wonderful...”

“Yeah, I get it, Ben—spectacular, inspiring, blah, blah, blah.”

He looked stunned and surprised. I needed to reassure him.

“I know, I understand how you feel. I appreciate that my body thrills you. Your body thrills me, too. You’re missing the point.”

“I am?”

“Like I just said, I don’t have any insecurity about being attractive. I don’t worry that her breasts are bigger than mine. I believed you when you described her chest as repulsive because of her awful character. With me so far?”`

“Yes, Iris.”

“What I’m angry about is what you haven’t told me. Which is just about everything concerning her. You should start by admitting that you were attracted. She’s not bad looking, and don’t you dare pretend you didn’t care about her hooters. What happened after that?”

“Looking back now, I realize she was manipulating me from the start. She realized I was fascinated by her curves. I should explain. As a virgin back in high school, my first girlfriend was really big and overweight. Vicki could pick up her boob and stuff the nipple in her mouth. Before she dumped me, we had sex all the time, and I played with her soccer ball-sized tits whenever I could. Those early experiences with Vicki influenced my sexuality, I guess.

“When Anna came along, she figured out as long as she kept sticking her tits in my face I was going to be pliable and compliant. She moved in and flooded me with constant sex at the start. As time went on, she trained me to become more and more submissive using rewards and punishments.

“As my first adult relationship, for a long time I thought my life was within the normal range. I thought it was important to do everything she asked of me, and as long as she got her way, I would be sexually rewarded. She took advantage of my inexperience and caused me to believe I would never succeed in relationships except for the one I had with her.”

“You thought Anna was the best you could do?”

“Yes. I didn’t have a lot of self-esteem. I didn’t feel attractive, and I didn’t have a lot of social interactions. More and more, I was doing housework, making meals, and being Anna’s home servant. Still, we had enough sex to keep me thinking I was fortunate to be with her.

“As the months went by, she became more and more demanding, more controlling, and more indifferent to my feelings. She started mixing punishments and pain with the sex, and I was enjoying it less and less. Anna found inspiration on the internet for her treatment of me while reading about BDSM and descriptions of dominance and submission culture and practices.

“Anna didn’t notice or care that what she found online was consensual and intended to bring pleasure. She wasn’t truly role-playing with me; she wasn’t interested in satisfying any inner needs of either of us. She was simply abusing me for her own selfish reasons.

“Until she went too far. One day, Anna brought home two new pieces of “equipment.” The first was a locking collar, to be worn 24/7 to remind me of my status as Anna’s property. The second was a locking “cock cage.” The small device would restrict me so that even a partial erection would cause increasingly intense pain.

“Outraged, furious, I exploded and threw Anna out. I never spoke to her again until this week.”

“Let me be sure I understand all of this, Ben. In high school, your first experiences were with an overweight girl with, did you say, huge breasts?”

“That’s right.”

“Can I assume that if I gained a huge amount of weight, you’d still want to have sex with me?”

“Absolutely.”

“If a beautiful woman with big, shapely tits walks by you at the beach in a tiny bikini, are you going to look?”

“Yes.”

“That’s right. I expect honesty from you, always. Will you get an erection?”

“It’s, uh, possible.”

“You’re doing very well. As I understand it, your ex found and misused kinky practices on the internet. She used them against you and made you miserable. There are lots of people who do this BDSM stuff and get a lot of satisfaction out of it. You’re saying that’s OK with you if it is done the right way?”

“I didn’t agree to what she did. From what I’ve read once I was finally rid of her, people on both ends need to consent. They have to be part of a willing exchange of power. There should be rules and protocols and safe-words.”

“What’s a safe-word?”

“If something is too severe or unsafe, a person can say an agreed word, like “rhubarb,” and the activity stops.”

“What if they’ve been gagged?”

“You know what? I have no idea, Iris. Anna didn’t care about respecting my limits.”

“So, in the future, you could imagine being submissive to me in an ethical and mutually agreed arrangement?”

“Or, you being submissive to me.”