Chapter 4

Aaron had left his clubs in the trunk of his car when he’d arrived home. He rolled his suitcase into his room where it would sit until he needed something out of it. There were dishes in the sink from his breakfast on Friday morning and he saw he had left the milk out in his rush.

“Goddammit,” he mumbled. He took the carton and turning his head away poured the remaining liquid down the sink, rinsed it and left it on the counter. He sighed and looked around his townhouse. Mark and Fred rarely came over here because of what a slob he was. Even if he knew people were coming over, he would usually just shove things into a closet and maybe wipe down a toilet.

He didn’t think it was his fault really. He’d been raised in a wealthy home with a nanny and housekeeping staff, so he’d never had to learn how to do any cleaning. He still took his laundry home, which he told no one about, knowing how much shit he would take for it.

Aaron thought briefly of the last weekend, the confession to Fred, the flight home, how defensive Fred had gotten in the airport when Mark started to interrogate the two of them. He smiled thinking of that but then felt the familiar anxiety creep in, knowing he was now back in the real world; knowing that things would start to change in huge ways.

Fred would probably start to ignore him now that they were back home. He was probably calling up Jeanie right now inviting her over for a fuck fest to put all that gay stuff behind him.

Aaron’s phone started to buzz in his pocket, and he pulled it out. To his surprise it was Fred calling. He slid the button to accept the call.

“Hey,” Fred said. He sounded tired and mad.

“Hi,” Aaron replied.

He wasn’t sure what to say. Should he spout off what he’d just been thinking about or leave it? Should he invite Fred over? No absolutely not, his place was an embarrassing mess at the moment. Should he ask him what’s going on with them? Should he ask why he sounded so upset? He hadn’t realized how long his pause was until Fred spoke again.

“Aaron, are you there?” Fred asked.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just ... thinking,” Aaron said.

“Will you come over here tonight?” Fred asked. “Not right away, I have some shit to take care of, but maybe ... will you come over and um ... have dinner with me or something?” Aaron paused again and smiled to himself.

“Yeah, sure I’d like to do that,” Aaron said.

“Good, I was worried you were sick of me already,” Fred muttered. His voice cracked as he spoke as if he was fighting off some emotion but losing the battle.

“I’m not sick of you,” Aaron said, pausing for a moment. He had noticed the crack in Fred’s voice and while the two of them had been lifelong friends, they rarely talked about emotions outside of aggression and anger, so it felt awkward for Aaron to ask him what was going on.

But if the situation were reversed, if he were upset and Fred didn’t ask, he’d feel pretty shitty about it. So, he did the thing that felt right to him, awkward and hard, but right.

“Um are you OK?” Aaron asked quietly.

Fred made a weird choking sound on the other end and then cleared his throat. His voice wobbled in a way Aaron had never heard before.

“I dunno. I’m sort of freaking out. I’m thinking about my...” he paused, that choking sound echoed into Aaron’s ear again and he recognized it as a sob of sorts. Fred cleared his throat hard again and continued in a voice that was fragile as glass.

“I’m thinking about my family, and I think they’re going to be so shitty about this,” he said.

“We don’t have to worry about that yet,” Aaron said sounding much more confident than he felt. It was clear that Fred was falling apart a little and Aaron suddenly found it easy to put aside his usual anxieties to help hold him together. He knew he had to be the strong one right now.

“We just got home. We’ll take it a day at a time you know. Not even a day, one fucking hour at a time.” Aaron tried to sound confident as he spoke and realized he sort of did. He felt that confidence that he so admired about Fred manifesting in himself. Fred drew in a shaking deep breath and blew it out.

“You’re right,” he said. He cleared his throat again. “Sorry man, Jesus. Can you come over tonight?” Fred asked again.

“Of course, just tell me what time,” Aaron said. There was a pause as Fred gathered himself.

“How about 6pm. If you want to come earlier just text me before you come. I need to clean some shit up and unpack,” Fred said. “I’m so fucking tired.” Aaron glanced at the clock; it was just after Noon.

“Yeah, I’ll be there. Maybe take a nap if you’re so tired,” he paused again. “Are you going to be OK?” Fred barked out a laugh.

“I’m gonna be fine, yeah. You coming over gives me something to look forward to,” Fred said. “See you for dinner.”

“OK,” Aaron wasn’t sure how to sign off, but he supposed that would be something they could talk about later.

“OK, bye,” Fred clicked off. Aaron glanced around his messy home again. He thought briefly about unpacking his suitcase and even moved to his bedroom to do so when his phone buzzed again. He looked down and saw Mark was calling him.

Fred hung up the call and tossed his phone roughly on the table. He angrily wiped his wet cheeks.

“Fuck!” he shouted.

He had already unpacked a little but couldn’t stop thinking about his mom and sister and how they were going to react. Maybe they wouldn’t even have to find anything out. Maybe Aaron was done with him now and the thought brought fresh tears to his eyes. He growled to himself and stood up quickly swiping his eyes.

He stalked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water that he gulped down. After he put the glass in the dishwasher he went to his phone, connected to his Bluetooth speaker system that his landlord had definitely not been made aware of, and pulled up his downloaded music. He chose some of the loudest angriest music he had and clicked the volume up.

Generally, Fred tried to be considerate of his neighbors, but it was noon on a Monday, most everyone who would be bothered would be out in some capacity. He ticked the music up a little more and went back to his bedroom to unpack.

He started a load of laundry in his tiny hallway washer and put his toiletries away in the bathroom. He pulled open a drawer and saw a red toothbrush, an assortment of tampons and a hairbrush. Fred sighed deeply and stared up at the ceiling for a minute.

How was it possible that he had forgotten Jeanie absolutely? She was probably waiting for him to call her, since he said he would when he got back from Vegas. They were still casual; he had told her he wasn’t going to be chaste in Vegas and she had shrugged and not been bothered. Vegas hookups didn’t count, she had informed him.

At the time he had thought he was the luckiest guy on the planet for her to have had such a chill reaction. But now, now he was going to have to break things off totally with her. Unless Aaron was done with him.

Why did he keep thinking that? He knew Aaron wasn’t that kind of a guy. That was more like him. Why did the thought of Aaron walking away bother him so much? Each time the thought popped into his head it brought with it a fresh irritating batch of stupid tears to his eyes. Fred stomped to his hall closet where he kept his recycling before taking it down to the bins outside. He pulled out an intact smallish box.

Back in the bathroom he gathered up the toothbrush, hairbrush and tampons and dropped them in the box. He stalked to the bedroom and pulled open a drawer half full of his underwear, a few pairs of lacy thongs and sheer bras were inside. Some sex toys that Jeanie had brought over were pulled from a bedside table and a book, some kind of ‘fairy porn’, she’d left also went in the box. He sat down on the bed, setting the box next to him.

Fred pulled out his phone and scrolled to Jeanie’s contact. He took a deep breath reminding himself that he didn’t owe her an explanation, they were still casual.

“Hey, you!” she chirped when she answered.

“Hi Jeanie,” Fred said. “Listen, can we meet for lunch?”

“Oh, um, let’s see,” there was pause as Jeanie checked something on her end. “I have maybe an hour right now.”

“That’s fine, I can meet you at that deli by your office,” Fred said.

“Ok,” Jeanie paused. “Is everything alright you sound ... different.”

“Yeah, everything is fine. I just need to talk to you,” Fred said. There was a pause.

“Oh,” Jeanie said. “You’re going to break up with me.” Fred paused. He really didn’t want to be the asshole that did this on the phone. But she had called him out.

“Well ... yeah I guess I am,” Fred admitted. He waited for her reaction. He could hear the deep breath she took.

“Ok, well ... we don’t need to meet for you to do that Fred,” she said icily.

“I didn’t want to do it on the phone Jeanie. That seems too shitty,” Fred said.

“I told you Vegas doesn’t count. I don’t care if you fucked some woman out there. I know it didn’t mean anything,” she said.

“It’s not like that,” Fred said.

“What is it then?” Jeanie asked, her voice warming slightly. Fred sighed.

“I can’t go into detail. But I’ve got all your stuff. I was going to give it to you,” Fred said.

“Just keep it or throw it away. It’s all replaceable stuff,” Jeanie replied, the icy tone returned.

“Ok, are you sure?” Fred said.

“Yes Fred, I’m sure.”

“I’m ... I’m sorry Jeanie,” he said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about Fred. We were still casual after all,” Jeanie said. She clicked off the call. Fred stared at his phone for a minute then looked at the box. He wasn’t sure what to do with it.

He ripped off the shipping sticker with his name and address and folded the top closed. He made his way to the kitchen and pulled a sharpie from the junk drawer and scrawled “Free” across the top. Then he took it downstairs to the mail room of his building. Before anyone could see who left the box of stuff he slunk from the room and back up to his apartment.

Fred was awoken hours later to his phone buzzing and a sharp rapping on the door. His room was dark, and the only light came from the glow of his ringing phone. He groggily pulled his phone from the bedside table and looked down at it. Aaron was calling him. He noted the time on his phone said ten minutes after 6pm.

“Oh fuck,” he muttered and rubbed his eyes, answering the call. “Hey Aaron, sorry, I lost track of time.”

“Answer the door Fred,” Aaron replied. There was a quick sharp rap on the door again and Fred jumped at the noise. He felt for a moment like he was in a horror movie.

“What?” he said trying to keep the fear out of his voice.

“I’ve been standing out in the hall for ten minutes your neighbors are starting to get suspicious,” Aaron said. “No, it’s fine, he was asleep, I’m talking to him now.” Fred heard the distant chatter of someone and finally realized Aaron was standing at his front door.

Fred leaped up and quickly walked to the front door. He opened it and clicked off the call with Aaron.

“Hey,” Aaron said. His eyes swept up and down Fred. He stood, still clearly sleep addled, in nothing but a pair of boxers.

“Hi,” Fred replied. He stood to the side, so Aaron could get by him. His neighbor, Mrs. Robinson was standing in the hallway, her hands on her hips.

“Sorry Mrs. Robinson, I guess I passed out after my flight.” He tried to grin sheepishly. She shook her head and rolled her eyes as she went back into her apartment. Fred closed the door and locked it.

“Hey,” Aaron said again. “Are you OK?”

Fred had to think about that for a second. He stared around his apartment. It had been sunny and bright when he laid down in his bed for a quick nap, but the sun had set a little bit ago and the whole place was drowned in darkness. He flicked on a light switch and the lamps in the living room and the overhead entryway light illuminated.

“I just woke up,” Fred grumbled.

“Well, you were pretty exhausted. It’s probably good you rested,” Aaron said. He went into the small kitchen and looked around. Fred followed.

“Are you hungry?” Aaron asked. Fred realized he was starving.

“Yeah. I was going to make something, but I didn’t really have anything here, I was going to go to the store after my nap, but I guess I forgot to set an alarm and passed out hard and now it’s too late. I mean some stores are probably open, but I’m really hungry. I bet you’re hungry too...” Fred trailed off.

He knew he was babbling, as he pulled open the fridge and showed Aaron how empty it was, just a couple lone beers standing inside to keep the random half empty condiment bottles company. Aaron held up his hands with a shrug.

“Fred we can just order some take out,” Aaron seemed very calm and collected which made Fred feel more frenzied for some reason. He slammed the fridge closed and leaned back against a counter. He felt his eyes sting and anger welled up inside of his chest.

“Are you OK?” Aaron asked again.

“Why the fuck do you keep asking me that?” Fred spat his hands balling into fists. Aaron crossed his arms over his chest.

“Because you asked me to come over, but then didn’t answer your door for ten minutes. Then when you do, you’re in your underwear and babbling about how there’s no food in your fridge. You’re clearly upset about something but avoiding it. So, what the fuck Fred? What’s wrong?”

Aaron fought off the lump that was building in his throat, waiting for Fred to discard him; to tell him that Jeanie was actually in the bedroom just waiting for Aaron to leave. But Fred didn’t ask Aaron to leave. He simply looked down at himself and his face crumpled.

He brought his balled fists up to his eyes and pressed them there for a moment, willing the tears away, those shitty, shitty emotions. But they wouldn’t go away and only grew worse the longer he stood silently in front of Aaron.

“I’m freaking out,” he muttered, his fists still pressed against his eyes. “All I’ve been thinking about today is how my mom and sister are going to react and then all I think about is how you’re going to be done with me. As soon as I let myself believe this is going to be something, I’m just truly convinced that you’re going to walk away. Or worse tell me that you want to go back to the way things were and I don’t know if I can.”

Aaron’s arms dropped and he took a step toward Fred as he continued.

“Everything seemed so easy in Vegas. We were great and I had convinced myself that everyone was going to think it was great but now I know it’s not going to be like that and I’m just ... I’m just so fucking upset about it. Everything is going to change.”