Uncle Eddie Is Full of Shit - Cover

Uncle Eddie Is Full of Shit

Copyright© 2025 by Eddie Davidson

Chapter 1

Coming of Age Sex Story: Chapter 1 - A prequel to "Twats the Night Before Christmas"; Harley goes hunting with her Uncle Eddie and Aunt Daisy, and Eddie's April Fool's joke leads to superglued butt cheeks and hunting sexy women. This is NOT a contest entry in the April Fools contest, and is a short story intended to provide a little background on the motivations of some of my favorite characters in the Twatmas story before it's conclusion.

Caution: This Coming of Age Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Ma/ft   Consensual   Incest   Cousins   Uncle   Niece   Aunt   Humiliation   Illustrated  

“You are so full of shit, Uncle Eddie!”

“I shit you not,” my uncle assured me. I’ve known him all of my life, and my Uncle Eddie is quite the character. He’s gregarious, outgoing, and known for being a master bullshitter. “We are going to hunt you and your Aunt Daisy tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn!”

“That’s right, Harley, at the crack of dawn, the cracks of our asses will be outside dashing through the woods looking for a place to hide,” my Aunt Daisy confirmed it was true. She’s my mother’s identical twin, and despite having a much sassier demeanor and a more pronounced Southern accent, I considered her a straight shooter and took her seriously.

It was the end of March, and we were in their cabin deep in the woods; they were drinking Southern Comfort around the table and singing along to an old Elvin Bishop song.

But then I fooled around and fell in love

I fooled around and fell in love...

I fooled around and fell in love...

Fooled around and fell in love...

It used to be when I’d see a girl that I liked

I’d get out my book and write down her name

But when the grass got a little greener on the other side

“Drink a shot, Harley! You’ll need it for tomorrow.” Uncle Eddie poured a tall one and set it down in front of me on the table—thick, scarred wood, stained dark from years of spilled whiskey and God knows what else. It rocked just a little on uneven legs.

My restless leg jiggled it like I was ready to bolt out of the cabin any second now - the taboo topic was titillating and at the same time made me nervous and uncomfortable. The offer of booze was no joke - that was for sure.

“I am only eighteen, Uncle Eddie,” I reminded him that I was there precisely because it was recently my birthday. I was shocked he’d offered me alcohol. I shouldn’t have been. My uncle was from a time when 18-year-olds could drink booze legally, and he was a huge advocate of drinking booze. It was always a party when he showed up at my house, and he always found a way to get my parents to loosen up and have a shot with him.

I was quite flattered that he offered me a shot, even though I didn’t say it. I didn’t want to seem too eager to get drunk with my Aunt and Uncle. They were definitely the “fun” relatives – the kind that liked to let their hair down, party, and not take themselves too seriously.

My aunt loved attention as well, and she loved to dress in provocative outfits that showed off maximum cleavage. It was a lot different than the more conservative outfits that my parents wore. I was a little envious that my cousins Kyler and Austin were raised in a far more open-minded and playful household.

“Nonsense,” my aunt downed my shot and poured me another to replace it. “A pretty blonde like you with those bright blue eyes of yours and perfect tits hasn’t had a drink before?” she scoffed. “You can’t shit a shitter, girly! This is South Georgia, and if you’ve got peaches on your fuzz, I mean fuzz on your peach,” she giggled because she was getting tipsy, adding, “then you can have a drink with your Aunt and Uncle.”

“Can we have a drink, Mom?” Kyler, the eldest of Daisy’s two sons, asked. The two of them were hanging out and talking while their parents and I talked at the table. There was no television, cell phones, or video games to distract them, so other than the 70’s rock on the stereo, they were privy to our conversation.

“Ask your father.” Daisy grinned, mischief in her eyes like she was in on a joke no one else knew. My mom was much more serious and doted on my brothers, and that was one key difference between my aunt and mother.

“Dad, can we have a shot?” Kyler asked on behalf of himself and his brother.

“What makes you think Eddie is your father?” Daisy quipped, clearly in jest. I had long suspected that my Aunt and Uncle were swingers. They both openly made crass or vulgar jokes when they visited my family – which was something that my parents never did around me and my siblings.

“You would have to ask your mother’s pimp if he keeps customer records,” Eddie grinned – before giving their sons half-shots. “You are going to go on your first hunt tomorrow; if you bag some game, then I’ll let you have a real shot,” he mused.

“Are we really going to kill Mom and Harley?” my cousin Austin said. His older brother smacked him while the two boys nearly choked on the shots as they went down their throats. They seemed to take the idea of hunting me and their mother pretty well if their main concern was whether they would end our lives or not.

I still assumed that Eddie was just joking, and as lightly as Austin had asked the question, I thought maybe he was as well.

“We aren’t going to kill them, Dad is just goofing on them like he always does,” Kyler said. “We are going after deer!”

“No, your father and I have been coming up here for years without you boys,” my aunt took another shot after making sure I downed the one she gave me. She had a raspy voice that came out smooth and sexy as she took a drag on her cigarette and looked at the boys very seriously as if she were making up her mind whether to let them in on a secret.

I had drunk alcohol before, but just weak stuff – this was my first time with whiskey. “Do you see any deer’s heads in our living room?” she asked the boys.

“That’s just because Dad is a bad shot,” Kyler laughed, and so did everyone else. My uncle was always quick to laugh at himself. He could dish out insults and take them with a shit-eating grin.

“I’d mount your mother’s ass on the wall, but I don’t have a big enough room to fit it on,” Uncle Eddie joked. I could see a word-picture of my aunt’s pretty, naked butt cheeks stuck up on a wall like a trophy – I chuckled.

My aunt is gorgeous and far from fat. People often compare her and my mother to actress Morgan Fairchild. Big beautiful blonde hair perfectly styled, turned up noses, makeup flawless, toned bodies with big fake boobs. They were both beauty queens growing up and have been competitive with each other all of their lives.

It was kind of strange that Eddie and my father ended up with these two women. My Dad wasn’t exactly Brad Pitt, and Eddie had a pot belly, black-rimmed glasses, a huge grey handlebar mustache, and a beard. They didn’t seem like the type of guys that would bag a beauty like them. My aunt frequently joked that Eddie wasn’t much of a lover and had a tiny dick – and he wasn’t rich either, so it had to be love was all I could say.

Daisy oozed an open sexuality and was equally as charming as she could be crass. She knew how to skin a buck and make a killer carrot cake, but she also knew how to shine in high heels and an evening gown. She looked good in anything she wore, and she loved to laugh and have a good time in any setting.

My aunt also made no secret that she used to be a stripper, and I get the impression that my mom used to be a dancer before she married my father and settled down into the life of a typical suburban housewife. The two of them were so alike in many ways, and in others they appeared to be complete opposites. Even my mother’s southern accent wasn’t nearly as pronounced.

“What are we going to use to hunt the girls?” Kyler bought it hook, line and sinker. I still believed that my uncle was joking. He gave me another shot of whiskey and told me that he’d probably give them slingshots.

I would have been profoundly hurt if my cousin was callously considering “hunting me,” but I was still convinced none of this was serious.

“Your cousin’s ass is not as leathery and thick as your mom’s ass, so she probably can’t take a pellet gun in her fart-maker, but I’ll see if I have some rock salt we could load up to use on the girls,” Eddie promised. The sincerity in my uncle’s eyes was not something that I thought could be faked.

I was starting to believe that they had intended to introduce me and their sons to some wicked game of hunting human prey. I definitely got the impression I’d have to be naked for this, and while I was no prude - I didn’t want to stroll around butt naked in front of my Kyler, Austin, and my uncle.

His sons laughed at the prospect of my humiliation while being hunted in the woods. It was so over the top that it sounded amusing – even if it was my bare ass they were talking about shooting. The worst part was that my aunt seemed completely on board with all of it – nurturing and encouraging about it.

“You boys are old enough to know that we invite your Aunt Lily out here every year, and sometimes she or one of the other ladies from the DSL comes with us to be prey,” Aunt Daisy explained that my mother did this with her and knew all about it. My mother HAD been keen on me going with my Uncle and Aunt but hadn’t told me why the rest of the family wasn’t invited.

I was thankful my little brothers Brian and Nick weren’t there – I wondered if they would stand up for me and say that I was definitely not going to be hunted. I politely sat there – stunned and still hoping it was all a joke.

My aunt stared at her sons somberly with pursed lips after sucking down another shot of whiskey. “Your cousin Harley just turned eighteen and, this is her initiation into the DSL – but you have to catch her first. Your uncle and I think you are old enough to handle it, and Harley’s mom thinks she is ready to do some running out in the woods. You won’t be killing us, but we’ll probably get a couple bruises in the process of running barefoot through the Georgia clay.”

“What do we get if we catch either of you?” Austin asked his mother – taking the challenge quite seriously.

She passed me another shot, and I drank it without hesitation. I was nervous because we’d been talking about this for ten minutes, and I didn’t believe them when they first brought it up. Now, I was starting to wonder why they would tell their sons if it wasn’t really going to happen.

“You’ve both seen me naked plenty of times around the house, right? You are comfortable with that, aren’t you?” she asked them. I could see my aunt’s nipples through her t-shirt, and the caption read “MY TITS ARE DOWN HERE” which was a funny way of turning around the “MY EYES ARE UP HERE” comment. Daisy wasn’t modest or conservative at all.

“Yeah, we probably seen you naked more than we seen you wearing clothes at home,” Kyler agreed.

“Well, if you manage to rope me and your cousin, you can tie us up to a tree, and we’ll hunt you and your father the next day and do the same thing. Anything you do to us; we get to do to you when we catch you. If you beat the snot out of me, I beat the snot out of you. Fair is fair, right?” she teased them playfully.

I couldn’t believe how casually that my aunt sounded about absorbing pain and having the snot beaten out of her. “What happens in the woods, stays in the woods, boys. You can treat us like hunted animals, and we’ll do the same to you the next day, but then I go back to being your mom after all it’s all said and done. I won’t hold any of what you do against you – unless you pussy out the next day and don’t give us a chance for payback!”

I was hoping she was trying to scare the boys into refusing to hunt us altogether, but my aunt sounded quite sincere. Her sexy southern voice reminded me of the pragmatic way that John Cougar Mellencamp talks when he takes a drag from his cigarette and gets ready to sing another song.

“You’d hunt us naked?” Kyler was clearly afraid of that prospect.

“I’ve seen your little peckers flapping around the house almost as much as you’ve seen my body naked, Kyler. There isn’t anything on your body that’s special or needs to be hidden away and look at your cousin. Does Harley look like she’d be impressed or shocked by the sight of your ding-a-ling?”

My aunt implied that I was a slut – which, on some levels, I probably was. I liked sex, and I wanted an open relationship with my boyfriend. He didn’t because he didn’t like the idea of sharing, but I wasn’t afraid of sex. I just thought most boys my age weren’t that good at it.

“If you hunt us, we go stark naked, and you wear clothes. When we hunt you, we get to wear clothes, and you boys will have just your birthday suits on, but tell you what,” my aunt acted like she was going to cut them some slack. “Since this is your first time on the hunt, if you actually catch us the first day, we won’t make you wear handcuffs while we chase you through the woods.”

“Handcuffs? Is that why you brought those?” Kyler asked in shock.

“Yeah, that’s exactly why,” Uncle Eddie said. I didn’t know it at the time, but my Aunt and Uncle were into bondage, and apparently, their sons had found some of their toys when they were packing up to head out to the woods. “You girls won’t have to wear handcuffs either,” Uncle Eddie said to me and his wife with a trace of mercy on his face.

“Oh no? That’s a pity, I was really looking forward to it,” Aunt Daisy joked facetiously and snapped her fingers as if she were disappointed.

“Yep, I am going to take some of that super glue on the table over there,” he pointed to a big tube of industrial-strength epoxy that happened to be in the cabin for repairing furniture and told us he’d glue our hands to our ass cheeks.

It was at that point, that I assumed he was not joking and I said absolutely not. My cousins began to giggle over my refusal as if I were a coward, but I said that enough was enough.

“Oh, don’t be a pussy,” Daisy scoffed at me when I refused. “I’ll do it with you – it’ll be fun!” she assured me. “Do we get to wear little reindeer ears and cotton tails?” she asked her husband playfully, hanging on his shoulder with affection.

“Oh yeah, go get the reindeer ears, you have to have the reindeer tails in,” They intertwined arms and downed another shot as some Marshall Tucker started playing in the background. He promised that he had a red Rudolph nose that I could wear to make it easier to spot me and bring me down.

“Why would I want to be caught?” I asked sarcastically – thinking they were both twisted perverts.

“All the naughty fun begins then. I’ll hang you by your ankles, and let you swing in the wind for a bit, tease you, and then if you are lucky, I’ll let you have an orgasm after you spend a few hours tied up!”

“But it’ll be the best orgasm of your life; the waiting is the best part,” my aunt assured me. Her sons were uncomfortable with the mental image of their mother getting horny, but as they barely knew me and I was closer to their age – they gave me horny stares of encouragement to play their game.

“I can get myself off better than anyone,” I boldly exclaimed. I didn’t realize that I was already getting tipsy. I wouldn’t have said something that outrageous if I wasn’t a little drunk, but I didn’t realize that I was intoxicated at the time. “Why the fuck would I want to let you weirdos glue my butt cheeks wide open and shoot me and tie me up in the woods?”

“It’s a family tradition, and you automatically get an invite to the Christmas Eve party we have every year,” my aunt told me. I had wanted to go to my parents’ adult-themed Christmas party for as long as I could remember. I wasn’t sure why – it was probably just the fact that I wasn’t allowed to go that made me want to see what I was missing.

“You’d have to do a lot better than that to make me interested in flashing my boobs and letting you shoot me with slingshots,” I laughed.

“What would make you interested?” Eddie asked. He sold cars for a living, and from what I gathered, he was good at it. My father once said that my uncle could sell ice to Eskimos and tampons to men.

“A thousand bucks,” I said firmly.

“Well, we established your price to take your clothes off, now we just have to negotiate,” Eddie grinned.

“Hon, it’ll be a blast, and I’ll do it with you, my parents took me and your mother up here to go hunting when we were your age, and she said my grandma took her up here for the same thing,” she assured me. “Don’t make me be the only target!” she pouted.

“Actually, don’t go along with us,” Eddie suggested facetiously, adding that he’d make his wife’s life a living hell if she’s the only one. “We’ll simulate skinning and cooking you over an open fire!”

“Don’t burn my tits off, Eddie,” Daisy said.

“Those plastic knockers? They cost too much to replace. I’ll fry your ass, give you a nice sunburn and cook you up – maybe get you nice and sweaty and crispy,” he said with a wicked grin. His sons seemed amused by the idea of their mother being treated like a caught animal to be cooked up. “Then we can use you like a pinata and let you swing from a tree, while we take turns using a switch on your ass, and after we cook and tame you we can bring you back to the cabin with a leash and train you to do silly pet tricks like roll over on your back and let us rub your belly!”

“Sit up and bark like a dog?” Daisy scrunched her nose in disgust while the boys giggled.

I was drunk enough to not only believe this scenario was going to happen but that if I didn’t play along with it – my aunt would suffer such humiliation.

“You guys are cruel,” I pouted angrily.

“No, they aren’t,” Daisy defended them. “Fair is fair, so turnabout is fair play. Whatever they do to us, we get to do to them the next day! I want to mount your uncle and ride him like the fat Buffalo he is and then take my boys and teach them a lesson they won’t forget in obedience. Two dog boys, scratching at their fleas, eating out of a dog dish, and cocking their legs to piss out in the yard!” she laughed and took a long drag of her cigarette.

That frightened the boys, and they were instantly no longer interested in this devious and outlandish game.

“Now honey, that’s not how the game is played,” Eddie said in a condescending way. “If one of you girls doesn’t play or gets caught in the first couple of hours, then you automatically have to play the following day to make up for our lack of excitement.”

“Damn, you outsmarted me, so I can’t even make you and the boys wear a cock cage?” she asked, describing a metal cage she’d lock over their penises.

“How would a cage even stay on my pecker?” Kyler asked with a laugh at the very thought of such a device existing.

“Yeah, and what would happen if we got boners? The cage would just bust right off,” his little brother Austin pantomimed an exploding penis destroying a cage attached to his cock.

I had actually heard of a cock cage before. I wasn’t exactly a virgin - I’d seen my share of porn and had plenty of sex but never done anything involving bondage or fetishes myself.

“The cock cage has a padlock and a metal clip that goes in your asshole to keep it from falling off,” Eddie explained with a serious expression. “You won’t be able to get an erection in the cage – it’s designed to prevent your boner and make it painful if you start to get hard. It’s in the girls’ best interest to tease us while our dicks are caged to make us suffer,” he said – clearly trying to scare them as much as he had scared me.

The boys quivered and said they didn’t want to hunt us after all.

“Don’t worry, your peckers are too small, and they don’t make a cock cage that would fit tiny cocks like yours,” Eddie laughed. “You have to play though. If not, your cousin won’t get her initiation and that’s our birthday present to her – it was what her mom wanted for her this weekend.”

“Yeah, it’s a family tradition,” My aunt declared as she grooved to an AC/DC song called “Big Balls”.

I drank way too much, and I don’t remember the conversation after that. All I know is that I believed this was going to happen whether I liked it or not, and if I didn’t play along then my aunt would suffer consequences, and my mom wouldn’t be happy with me. It was fairly irrational, but after we finished off the Southern Comfort, my uncle brought out the Tequila 1800, and fairly irrational was the best that I could do.

In the middle of the night, I woke up in the living room on the couch. The cabin that my uncle brought us two only had two bedrooms and one of them was for their sons, and the other was for my Aunt and Uncle.

They had joked that I could sleep with them if I wanted to when I first arrived, but now I was convinced they were serious. I planned to give them a piece of my mind, so I got up and crept through the cabin – the old pine floors creaking with every step.

I opened their door carefully and quietly. There was just moonlight to see into the dark room, and I could only vaguely make out what they were doing on the bed. My aunt was completely naked, tied up, hands and wrists bound together, and her legs over her head. Eddie was passed out asleep with his face in her pussy, and she was asleep as well.

I admit that my first reaction was not revulsion or disgust. I was actually turned on, and I didn’t know why. The ropework that my uncle had used to tie my aunt up was first class Shibari – elaborate knots and artistic. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was hot as fuck.

I also didn’t know why I was doing it, but I took my clothes off and started to prepare myself. “If I am going to be hunted, then I am going to go now before dawn and get a head start,” I whispered to myself in my drunken stupor.

I considered briefly just leaving my shoes on, but I took those off and decided I’d brave the woods without it. I sprayed myself down with mosquito repellant and nearly choked on the stuff. It was amazing that I didn’t wake up anyone else, but Kyler and Austin had also drank a little and were probably sound asleep.

If I had taken some time to think about what I was doing, I probably wouldn’t have done it, but after the conclusion of the weekend, my uncle told me that all of the best stories involve someone not taking the time to think about what they were doing.

It was the end of March - March 31st, to be precise – except that around midnight, my aunt and uncle started telling me about this fantastic hunt, and if I had a calendar, I would have realized that it was technically April 1st.

I didn’t, so I stared at the glue for a while. It had no label, and even if it did, I wasn’t in any state to read the warnings about not applying the glue to human skin. I slathered it all over my hands and rubbed the white glue all over my ass – it felt good. The container looked like Elmer’s glue but smelled more like nail polish.

I opened the cabin door, slapped my ass with my palms flat, and stepped outside into the darkened Georgia woods. I was fearless as I took a step forward and heard the door shut automatically behind me as the spring hinges of the porch door snapped shut.

45708-1-01-run.jpg

I had a couple directions that I could go, but I didn’t know the woods very well. We’d only just arrived. I considered briefly hanging around my uncle’s green van. My brother Nick called it the “Mystery Van” because it looked like the one Scooby Doo and his friends ride around in to uncover criminal plots. It was beat up, rusted out, and an ugly green color.

It had offensive bumper stickers that said things like “Free blowjobs, inquire within” and “Life’s a bitch and, so is my wife” but I never took them seriously. It was just a quirky thing that I expected from my uncle.

After seeing the two of them in a bondage pose, I started to imagine that my aunt may seriously give road head to total strangers that asked about it. I don’t know why – but my pussy started to dribble and get wet as I imagined Daisy slobbing on some total stranger’s knob at a highway rest stop because they had the audacity to ask about the suggestive bumper sticker.

The fact that she looked exactly like my mother made me feel guilty about that fantasy, but Daisy was so different from my mother. Her voice was huskier, and her sense of humor was so much cruder than what I knew about my mother that I could separate the two women.

In my fantasy, my aunt was smiling, and she let men write slutty things all over her body, while she satisfied them sexually, trolling for more cock around the urinals and toilet area of the bathroom, eating jizz off the floor like a naughty slut.

I am not sure why it turned me on to envision my aunt doing degrading things that I’d never have the courage to do in real life, but the fantasy got me super wet, and I could smell my pussy juices dripping down my thighs. I hadn’t shaved my pussy in a while, and I was a little embarrassed by how hairy it was. I had seen my aunt naked, and she had a completely bald pussy – which turned me on. I’d never dared to shave my pussy completely bald before.

I could imagine my Aunt – wanton, full of lust, naked, maybe in high heels, and fully exposed at the truck stop men’s room. All the men in the truck stop looking deep inside her body; while she managed two or three cocks at a time and got the men off.

45708-1-01-truck.jpg

It was a raunchy scene, sweaty, dirty, and vulgar – something I’d never do myself, but I could picture my Aunt embracing it and squeezing out as much cum as she could swallow. It was hot as fuck!

I was so turned on that I had not paid any attention to where I was running in the dark, and had no idea where the cabin was by the time that I stopped. I wanted to masturbate to the fantasy, but I realized that I couldn’t remove my hands from my ass cheeks.

At first, I didn’t believe they were really glued to my skin and assumed that if I pulled a little harder, I could pry my hands off of my ass. I was drunk, but not so drunk that I didn’t realize the predicament that I was in.

I was lost in the woods, completely naked without shoes, drunk and confused, had my hands glued to my butt, and worst of all, mosquitos were buzzing around my face and body like crazy.

It turns out the bug spray that I thought I sprayed myself was Lysol, and if anything, the scent was making it easier for the bugs to find me. I should have backtracked and followed my footprints. That’s what I would have done if I wasn’t drunk at the time.

I could have yelled until my Uncle and Aunt heard the screams and came running to find me. However, I told myself that if they caught me completely naked and playing their wicked game, they would assume that I cheated by leaving before the sun started to rise and punish me.

I began to dash in a panic in any direction, probably the only good fortune that I had was that I was so drunk that I didn’t realize when I was going in complete circles and I was less than a quarter mile from the house when I finally ran out of breath and had to stop. The more I ran, the less the bugs bit my body.

The mosquitos and gnats seemed drawn to my wet pussy, and my nipples, and there was one point when I was exhausted and catching my breath that a long-nosed Georgia mosquito took a long drink out of my left nipple, and I felt the excruciating pinprick of his tiny bite.

I couldn’t just reach up and crush the little blood sucker, I was helpless to swat him. I tried jiggling my tits, but I was too exhausted to even do that. I stood there and let it happen – vulnerable and afraid and damn if I didn’t start to cream myself.

I was ashamed that I was dripping wet after that, and I was willing to let another mosquito land in the exact same place and bite me the same way if it got me off. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t cooperate, and bite my back or my ass, my tummy, or even my nose didn’t land the same way and triggered a cummy explosion out of my pussy.

The real feeling of danger as I stepped through the gritty, wet Georgia clay, as morning dew started to gather on the weeds, while the crickets and frogs created a cacophony of sound in the background, and the humid night air clung to my skin was suppressed by the booze – but it wouldn’t stay that way for long.

Frustration started to set in, but a deep sense that at some point I’d find another cabin or highway or be caught by someone who would do nasty things to a helpless girl they found roaming the woods started to overwhelm me.

The fantasy in my head was of an older man. He’s an army vet, that likes to be left alone and lives off the land. He looks like Liam Neeson, and he doesn’t talk much but when he does it sounds dangerous. The stranger easily catches me while I run away from him, and he puts me over his shoulder. He carries me like a haunch of meat to his camp and laughs as he ties me up just like my aunt – wrists to ankles, completely exposed.

“Your pussy is wet,” he observed.

“Please don’t, let me go,” I pleaded with my fantasy captor.

“Please don’t let you go. If you insist,” he jokes wickedly and then he unzips his pants, and suddenly I have tripped over a stone, stubbed my toe and I am brought back to reality where I am lying on my thigh in the mud; wet and horny.

I was so ready to find out how big his cock was and how felt inside me. The anticipation of waiting to be found and getting fucked like that was turning me on – and I wanted to play with myself. I’d never had a situation where I couldn’t just find a private spot and have a little “me” time.

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