Chapter 5

The next morning, I was in charge of moving patio furniture. I took care of that, then rearranged hoses so the jump castle guy could hook up his giant double water slide. I watched his blower fill it with air and helped him get the hose connected. He filled the little pool at the bottom, then hooked it up to keep overhead sprayers working. He told me all the safety precautions and said all we had to do was turn the overhead sprayers on for a couple of minutes before kids started using them. Without that, the slides wouldn’t be slippery. The whole thing was probably twenty feet tall and I was sure you could see it from the street.

Once he was done, I set up a double-wide Slip N Slide. Right at noon, the rental folks showed up with a snow cone machine and a bubble maker. This year, our Independence Day party was going to be all about the kids.

“What are you doing?” Mom hollered at me.

I looked down from my perch, high atop the Tropical Tsunami Double Waterslide. “Safety check. I don’t want any little kids to get hurt.”

I watched her start to say something at least three times before she shook her head and walked back toward the house. I couldn’t believe her wanton disregard for the safety of our guests. I slid down, splashing into the pool at the bottom. “This side seems okay,” I hollered. She shook her head, once again. Some people just don’t care.

I set up music in the pool house and checked to make sure it was stocked with towels, soap, and TP. It was a couple of hours until people were supposed to show up and I was starving. It seemed like the kitchen was the place to be.

“Out!” Maybe not.

“I’m famished.”

“You’re not famished. Here, have a carrot,” Mom said, holding out a little baby carrot.

I took it and said, “I’ll give this to Maveric. Do we have any of the porterhouse steaks left?”

“You have got to be kidding me. Have a sandwich. Good grief.”

She hadn’t said what kind of sandwich. I knew we were having burgers and hot dogs for dinner so anything other than that would be fair game, right? I found six different types of lunchmeat, a new record, four types of sliced cheese, a tomato, lettuce, and mayonnaise. She saw my sandwich and rolled her eyes. “Can I get some potato salad? It looks like there’s plenty.”

“For crying out loud, Jack, why didn’t you just go to Burger King and get one of their triple Whoppers and a couple of orders of fries, maybe a large chocolate shake or something? Goodness.”

“That sounds good. I’ll do that as soon as I finish my appetizer.” She rolled her eyes again. What was the problem?

I was sitting on the front steps, trying to stay out of the way, finishing my snack when Kim showed up, with Karen and Angela right behind her. They each had food that I undoubtedly wouldn’t be able to sample. Kim gave me a quick kiss and followed them inside. I grabbed my wallet and drove to Burger King.

I got home just in time to put up a couple of canopies for shade before people started arriving. With our pool, patio, waterslide, Slip N Slide, and canopies, our backyard was pretty full. I stepped inside to see how prep was coming and found a very full kitchen. I grabbed a baby carrot, gave Mom the evil eye, and went outside to clean the already clean grill.

I heard them before I saw them. I knew the little kids could see the water slide from the front yard and they squealed with delight as they raced around the side. I turned on the sprayers and went to the steps end of it and slowed them down.

“Espera un minuto. Espera a tus padres,” I said in a calm voice. Seven or eight of them were ready to go. “Andale!” I hollered to their parents and the little kids laughed.

Kim stuck her head out from the back door. “Melda says to let them go.”

“Dos a la vez. Uno de cada lado, por favor,” I said and the first two started climbing. When they started down, I let the next two go. When everyone had gone through once, they understood the system. I didn’t want kids crashing into other kids at the bottom. Of course, as soon as those kids figured it out, another eight or nine kids showed up and I explained it all over again.

“Has encontrado tu verdadera vocación,” Hector hollered to me as the big kids started getting comfortable. Thanks Hector. Nice to know I had a career in water slide management as an option.

When Bobby and Melanie showed up, Mel came straight to the slide and took a turn. “You know how come no one is using the Slip N Slide?” she asked.

“No idea.” She shook her head and went to the kitchen, coming back a minute later with dish soap. She grabbed a little kid, squirted some blue liquid all over his front and sent him running. We watched him go flying down that runway. “Soap makes it slick.”

I held my hand out and she gave me the soap bottle. I looked over her shoulder at Bobby. He nodded, and I squeezed a blue stream of soap on the front of Mel’s glorious body. She rolled her eyes, then went running toward the yellow plastic, splatted onto it on her belly, stretched her hands out like Superman, and went sailing.

“I should have known,” Bobby said, with a face that suggested he wasn’t quite prepared for the day.

Mel came bouncing back, little bubbles trailing behind her. A couple of the older boys trailed right behind her, too, straining their necks to look at her magnificent tatas.

“You have a fan club,” I said.

She looked over her shoulder and saw three little boys, who might have been nine at most, following closely behind. “Great.”

She knelt down and whispered to them and they fled, running to get back in line. “What did you tell them, Mel?” Bobby asked.

“I told them to leave me alone or I’d tell their mommies about their collection of dirty magazines.”

“No,” I said, laughing. “What made you think they had a collection of dirty magazines.”

“Umm, they’re little boys. Was that a trick question?” I never had a collection. I knew who did, though. Just as good and no chance of getting caught. “Race me,” she said to Bobby. He rolled his eyes but followed her up the inflatable steps to the dueling slides. “Are you looking at my butt?”

“Pretty hard not to,” he said.

“Are you saying I have a big butt?” she asked. I knew she was joking.

“I think we should mingle.”

“Do you want me to go first so you can look at my butt?” Kim asked.

“Yes, please.” She grabbed my hand and we walked together. I craned my neck back so I could look at her butt and he jerked my hand forward. Some people have no sense of humor.

“Big crowd,” I said to Art and Melda.

“It’s what Mrs. Pierce asked for.”

“The slides are nice,” Hector said. “The kids love them.”

“Mom thought some of the kids couldn’t swim well enough to enjoy the pool, but this way, they get to be wet. They have a choice. It works.”

I found a spot near the kitchen door and just watched for a while. The previous year, people had clustered together with who they already knew. This year, the crowd mixed it up a lot more. Most people seemed to feel a lot more comfortable, especially Gail. Lani seemed out of her element but Vince had met a couple of the crew when we were digging a pond and he was leading the way. Mel made friends with everybody and Bobby ... well, Bobby was just Bobby.

It dawned on me that Bobby seemed like the guy who had season tickets to life. It was all very entertaining, but tomorrow there would be another play or another musical. He enjoyed this one while it was happening but he knew there would be another and he didn’t tire himself out with this one. I was pretty happy with myself for that insight. I decided to see if I had insights on anyone else.

Mel and Vince were really similar in that they were always sort of in the moment. Whatever happened yesterday or whatever happens tomorrow wasn’t as important as what was happening right then. Dr. Legare and Mr. McTighe were sort of the same, too. They enjoyed what was going on but they both seemed to have the welfare of others in mind. It’s not like they were concerned about emergencies or anything. They were just aware of the possibility that trouble might be nearby.

I kept working on silly little character analysis blurbs for each person until it dawned on me that I sounded like Johnny Carson describing studio audience members in his Edge of Wetness scripts. I started to embellish and imagine them in Edge-of-Wetness situations. I must have been laughing when Karen stepped out of the kitchen.

“What’s so funny?” she asked, stepping closer.

“Have you ever seen Johnny Carson?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve only seen the first part of it once or twice, but he had this audience thing where the camera zooms in on them, and he describes some silly soap opera thing about them. It’s super over-the-top and everyone laughed. I did, at any rate.”

“And you were just doing that with everyone here.”

“Yup. All you have to do is add a crazy transition like, ‘secretly Mel has been harvesting body parts at her father’s funeral home.’ Then add, ‘Hector knows and is blackmailing her.’ I started and couldn’t stop.”

“That’s super silly. I’m not sure harvesting body parts is very funny, but it’s definitely over the top.” She looked across our group of friends and spotted a conversation, then joined me. “Vince and Franklin, both secretly homosexual, have conspired to seduce Art for a nasty –”

“Okay, stop. Yikes. I was doing just fine until then.” She laughed, and gave me a hug. Karen gives nice hugs.

Dane stepped out with Mac under his arm. “He just woke up. Sleeping all morning. What do you think?” he asked, looking at the crowd.

“Only one way to find out. He’s not big enough to be threatening, that’s for sure. He looks extra fluffy today.”

“Bath. Christie gave him a bath last night.” He looked at the people again and decided they weren’t dangerous. Then, he looked at Mac, who tried to lick his nose. “Go get ‘em, Mac,” he said to the puppy as he sat him down. Then, he boomed, “Don’t step on Mac.”

Mac took off like a shot. He ran straight to Kim, with his tail wagging like crazy. When he got close, he crawled to her on his belly. She petted him, then rubbed his ears, and he was off again. He tore around the backyard as though he’d just downed a couple of double espressos. Everyone watched. He ran around the pool, then around the waterslide, then back around the pool, past a group seated near the shallow end. He zigzagged through the crowd, not letting anyone catch him. It was a big game.

When he had teased and taunted everyone twice, he ran back to Kim. He belly-crawled to her, then rolled over on his back. She rubbed it a couple of times, and he was off to the races again. After circling the yard twice, he belly-crawled toward Mel. She reached out to pet him but he was gone again before she could reach him.

“He is cheap entertainment,” Dane said, and I couldn’t have agreed more. Every time I thought he was done or tired out, he was off again. “Maybe he’ll sleep through fireworks.”

“Oh, man. I didn’t even think of that.” Dane needed more explanation. “Maveric. It’s his first Fourth of July, or at least the first one I know about.”

“And you’re worried about the noise, right? What can you do?”

“I don’t know. The Denton Ranch is pretty far out but last year a little kid lit a big firecracker that spooked a lot of the horses.”

“I’ll bet they take extra precautions this year.”

“I need to ask Kim.” I walked across to her as she rubbed Mac’s belly. I tried to sit down without scaring him off. He rolled around so I could rub his belly. “Maveric. Fireworks.”

“Ah. It does change things, doesn’t it? Mr. Denton put up some speakers, sort of like we did here. They plan to start playing music before the fireworks begin. They’ll round up all the horses and either stable them, or tie them off at the back run-in. They’ve never done this before but they know some people who have.”

“And the music keeps them from freaking out.”

“Supposed to.”

“What do they play? I’m trying to think what would be soothing to horses.”

“Classical, she said. They will not be playing the theme from the Lone Ranger, you dufus.”

“Does she have my phone number? I should call her to let her know I’m available if she needs anything.”

“Relax, Cowboy. Your number was in the paperwork and she knows. She’s got it covered this year.” I relaxed. “Hey, Aquaman, I’m happy that you thought of it, even if we don’t need to do anything. We can drive out after we’re done here, if you want.”

“How long have the Dentons had horses?”

“As long as I can remember. Feel better?”

“Yeah. I’d forgotten about last year.”

Kim and I scooted over to Luis and Romey. Kim’s Spanish had improved enough that she could carry on simple conversations. I asked Luis in Spanish, “Do you have fireworks in Mexico?”

“Yes. Very much so.”

“What’s the biggest celebration?”

“Independence Day, just like you. It’s September 16^th. I know why you’re asking. Hector says you bought a horse.”

I told them about Maveric and Kim told them about her experience barrel racing. The vocabulary wasn’t simple so we used a mix of English and Spanish with Luis translating for Romey when she didn’t follow. Vince and Lani were on the edge of our conversation, trying to follow it all.

“Vince, a Mexican rodeo is called a charreada. The events are really different,” I said.

“Tell them about escaramuza, Romey,” Kim said.

Mel and Bobby joined us as Luis and Romey explained the events of a charreada. The only thing that seemed to be the same was bull riding. Several of the events seemed pretty cruel for the horses but without actually seeing it, I couldn’t be sure.

“El paso de la Muerte sounds like somebody named it right,” Vince said. “The pass of death. Let me see if I’ve got this right. You ride your horse bareback and they release a wild horse into the arena. Then, you chase it down and hop from your horse to the new one and hope like hell you can hang on. Is that about right?”

“Exactamente. ¿te gustaría probarlo?” Luis asked.

“What? Don’t let me get in trouble, Jack.”

“He said he’d sign you up for the one in October in Jalisco.”

“Very funny. I didn’t hear anything about Jalisco.”

“I’d do the parade thing,” Bobby said.

“That’s for competitors, Bobby. Are you going to do the pass of death?” Mel asked.

“No. Just the parade. That sounds easy.” Luis and Romey weren’t accustomed to Bobby’s sense of humor and weren’t sure if he was being serious or not. He wasn’t.

“What about you, Jack?” Kim asked. “Want to give it a try?”

Before I could say anything, Luis answered. “He could not compete. I’m so sorry. For him to compete, he would need a sombrero.”

“I could get a sombrero.”

“And a mustache.” Everyone laughed.

“That’s harsh, Luis. I could get a sombrero, though.”

I saw Franklin motion for Kim and me to come to the house. I tapped her and we made our excuse and walked up. We were the last of our little group. Hector’s crews and kids, along with Bobby, and Mel, Vince, and Lani were still outside.

“Angela has something she wants to say,” Veronica said. “Go ahead, girl. Just say it.”

Angela was clearly nervous. The crowd in the kitchen included everyone who had been involved in planning for her trip and rehab with the exception of Dr. Calhoun, who had been called in. She took a deep breath.

“This is crazy. I want to say ‘thank you’ to everyone here. I didn’t think I was ever going to get sober. I tried so many times. Anyway, it’s been a couple of months and I couldn’t have done it without all of you. So, I wanted to say thanks for that. I’ve never felt better.”

“Me neither,” Veronica said. “I’ve lost weight and we are tearing up our little apartment gym.”

“I never thought that you’d all decided to not drink and I guess that’s made it easier, you know, without temptation in front of me. But I can’t ask you to do that forever. I’m past the hard part and I’m not craving it all the time. Actually, I’m never craving it anymore, which is kind of shocking. Veronica and I stopped on the way here and bought a couple of cases of beer and we thought we’d put that on ice for everyone. It’s America’s birthday, after all.”

“Are you sure, Honey?” Mrs. McTighe asked. “I don’t think anyone here is complaining. We’re not a bunch of big drinkers anyway. Once you let the genie out of the bag, you’d have a hard time putting it back in.”

“Mom, let the genie out of the bag?” Kim asked.

“Ya’ll know what I mean.”

“I’ve thought about that. I talked with some new friends at AA, too. Veronica and I brought the bag of genies. We should let them out and not worry about it.”

And that was it. I walked out to their car with Franklin and we grabbed a couple of cases of beer, brought them to the back, and wiggled them down into the ice.

“You know, Jack, alcohol isn’t bad,” he said.

“What?” Did I hear him correctly?

“It’s like food. We can eat food and enjoy it and it makes our life better. Don’t turn into a glutton, or stick your fingers down your throat for weight loss. Don’t make a habit of eating crap. Obesity and Type II Diabetes is on the rise and that’s from eating the wrong kind of food, and too much of it. Don’t stop eating. Just eat the right things for the right reasons.”

“You’re saying that food is as bad as alcohol?” I couldn’t believe it.

“No. I’m saying you can have good or bad results, depending on what you eat. The same for alcohol. Believe it or not, a drink with dinner can improve your digestion. After a tough day, it can help you take the edge off, and sometimes, the flavor of the drink is pretty good. Ronnie rarely drank and didn’t have a problem with food. But he had an obsession. What I’m saying is that you should recognize it for what it is and not be judgmental. Karen has had to deal with this because she’s seen the downside of it.”

“So has Kim,” I said and he couldn’t argue with that. Her family had been killed by a drunk driver and the two of us had spent a couple of nights in the hospital because of one.

“You’ll get no argument from me. Where I work, there aren’t any alcoholics, at least as far as I know. A couple of the guys will go out after work but I don’t think anybody has a real problem. On the other hand, three or four of the guys are probably going to be dead before they’re fifty. Obesity kills. Your heart doesn’t want you carrying around an extra hundred pounds.”

“Okay. I can see that.” I thought about telling him about my drinking experiment but I didn’t see any profit in doing that. “I’ve heard that you should drink in moderation. Is that what you mean?”

“I guess it is. I get that you have zero positive experiences with people drinking and that you tasted some with Kim and didn’t like it. I get all that. Some people like a beer with their pizza and I don’t see a problem with that at all. If you work all week just so you can go out on Friday night and get so blasted you don’t remember anything until it’s time to go to work on Monday morning, you might want to re-think your life choices.”

“Prohibition didn’t work and we’re not going to try it again, right?”

“I think that’s a fairly safe bet. That doesn’t mean you should ever drink or even serve alcohol when you’re on your own. Ronnie had a pretty serious liquor cabinet. There was a bar in the rec room. As far as I know, he had two drinks per year. Mom used to have a glass of wine with dinner every now and then but I don’t know if she does that anymore. Obviously, Karen and I don’t drink. We did before Karen’s mom came. Not very much and not even that often but we used to have beer or wine with dinner. It’s not a big deal.”

“Unless you become an alcoholic or drive while you’re drunk.”

“Unless that. I don’t think anyone will argue with that,” Franklin said.

“I can live with that.”

“Good thing. You can control what you eat or drink and you can control what you offer people when you have your own home. Do you know what Karen and I did last weekend?”

“No idea.”

“We went grocery shopping.”

“Uh-huh. And...?”

“We went with Dr. Legare and Dr. Calhoun. We took four hours and read labels. Holy shit, Jack. You should see all the crap that’s in our food.”

“Really?”

“Really. What does glucose syrup, tapioca syrup, crystalline fructose, maize syrup, and high fructose corn syrup have in common?”

“No idea.”

“They are all names for high fructose corn syrup. Sugar. Unnecessary sugar. It’s in everything. And that’s not the only garbage in our food. It’s terrible. We spent all that time shopping so we could learn how to eat healthier.”

“Kim and I should do that. I know we eat junk food. I love pizza or a Whopper with cheese and I know that can’t be good for me.”

“It’s not. As long as you don’t do it all the time, I guess it’s not too bad.”

“So, what are the big take-aways?”

“You want the low-hanging fruit. Let me think about it. Okay, here’s a couple of things that I can remember without needing a notepad. If the label has more than about six ingredients, it’s suspect. The sequence of ingredients has to be in order of how much is in each item. That’s why there are a bunch of names for high fructose corn syrup.”

“So it can be the second, third, fourth, and fifth main ingredient and still have something else seem like it’s the biggest thing.”

“Exactly. Oh, this is a big one. Look at the serving size. One serving of potato chips has about two hundred calories, ten grams of fat, and a bunch of other stuff.”

“That’s not too bad. I mean, it’s not great, but it’s not too bad.”

“Until you read that one serving is eighteen chips.” What? I tried to think about the last time I’d had potato chips.

“I probably had five servings the last time I had chips. Who eats eighteen chips?”

“Now you got the idea. I need to help Dane with grilling. Go mingle. Have a beer. Just kidding,” he said and smacked me on the back.

I sat down with Kim and Mel. When she asked about our conversation, I told them the part about grocery shopping. I’d leave the alcohol discussion for later. Mel didn’t need to be caught up in that. If Kim wanted to tell her later, she could.

Mom stepped outside and gave a ten-minute warning for dinner. A line formed to use the pool house bathroom so I told the adults to go inside. When food was served, the standard line formed. Hector and Art introduced me to a couple of the new guys and their wives or girlfriends. I’d never remember their names but I think it was good for them to know whose house they were at. Hector congratulated me on having the pond and garden done a little ahead of schedule and remarked about how our property on Fort Johnson Road was coming along.

Vince and Lani had been making the rounds. He’d been getting a ribbing about his feeble attempts at Spanish. I was about to join in when Kim nudged me. “Te hice un plato. Sentémonos juntos,” she said. Vince and Lani just looked at us while the guys laughed. We walked over to a surprisingly vacant table and sat down to eat, just like she suggested.

“I love you, Aquaman.”

“I love you, too.”

“There is no place I’d rather be. My friends are your friends and your friends are mine. That’s pretty cool. Families, too.”

“Yeah, I don’t think this is normal,” I said, looking at our weird mix of people.

“It’s normal. It’s just not common.”

There was never a risk of running out of food at one of our parties. We had some great menus in the past. This was a simple, all-American picnic, with hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, corn on the cob, and a huge batch of deviled eggs. Mom thought it was impossible to have too many deviled eggs. For dessert, you had your choice of apple pies. I knew there were at least four different recipes and probably more. I felt it was my civic duty to try a slice of each.