Chapter 1: Feeling Guilty

As much as I beat myself up at times over things I wish I hadn’t done, or that I Should’ve done, if I’m truly honest with myself there are many things in my life that I HAVE done that make me a bit proud of myself. Not that I mean to be egotistical or overly prideful, but I think it’s important that people recognize the good things they do as well as the bad. I remember my first straight-A report, earning a gold star on an art project that I had worked so hard on, the first time I was able to get up on a slalom ski, graduating from college, and my first day as a real teacher.

On a more personal and intimate side of things, what girl can ever forget giving her first blowjob or losing her virginity? OK, maybe those aren’t always something to be “proud” of per se, as I really didn’t know what I was doing, but I think I handled the situations very well.

One thing I take great pride in is that over the years, I have NEVER turned down my father when he has needed me to fulfill a fantasy of his or to satisfy the lust that has built up in him and needs to be released. It makes me feel good to know that he can always count on me, regardless of the time or place, to submit to him and thereby demonstrate my love and respect for him.

Setting aside the domination freaks and such, being able to submit to someone unconditionally, without hesitation, requires an intimate relationship built on love and complete trust. The reason I can submit myself to my father, as I feel a daughter should be able to, is because I know with total certainty that he would never ask me to do anything that offended me or would hurt me either physically or emotionally.

Take note that I did not say a daughter SHOULD submit to her father, I said she should BE ABLE to do so. What’s most important is the love and respect between a father and daughter. If they wish to capitalize on that and engage in a more intimate relationship between them as a means of showing their love, then all the better but by no means is that some sort of “requirement”.

Over the past month or so, my life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. I started my first permanent teaching job, which thrilled me but at the same time was a little scary given the amount of responsibility that I’d never had before. At the same time, things have been getting more and more serious with Duane, my boyfriend, to the point I’m wondering whether he will “pop the question” sometime soon.

My emotions have been so riled up that I allowed a completely innocent situation between my boyfriend and my aunt and cousin to get completely out of hand when I tried to turn it into something it wasn’t. I’ve put that one, and others like it, behind me but in the process I know I’ve driven those around me nuts with my emotional ups and downs.

Fortunately, I’m blessed with many friends, including a number I’ve met on-line. My mother and Beth, my best friend since childhood, have been especially supportive of me. In all the turmoil I didn’t realize it, but my father was also trying to help out as best he could in his own way. Over the past few years, one of his favorite things to do is to sneak into my bedroom in the morning and have sex with me, even if I’m still sound asleep. It’s usually pretty quick but I feel good knowing he’s going to work with that little extra skip in his step!

Well, without me even realizing it due to my acute self-centeredness, over the past few weeks his daily visits have diminished to maybe once or twice a week. I guess I just automatically assumed he was busy or needed some extra sleep and didn’t have time before he had to leave for work. It wasn’t until my mother pulled me aside and gently, but firmly, brought it all to my attention, that I came to my senses.