Chapter 6

Amy woke me up in the morning. She had a glass of water and two aspirins in her hand.

“Here you go. I have coffee on the way up,” Amy said.

“Morning. How are you?”

“Well fucked. How are you?”

“Just fucked!” I replied.

“Okay, tell me what happened. Mom won’t say a word about what you told her.”

I told my sister about what happened on the balcony. When I was finished, she chuckled.

“Maybe I should call Kyle and tell him to get you drunk.”

“Amy, it’s not funny. I care for Kyle, and now I might lose him. If I tell him what happened, I’m sure I will.”

“You don’t know squat! How do you know what Kyle’s going to do?”

“What would you do if you found out your boyfriend was messing around?”

“Messing around? What you did wasn’t messing around. Giving a guy a blowjob or screwing him is messing around, but not a kiss.”

“He touched me, too.”

Amy laughed. “He put his hand on your tit outside your dress.” She laughed again. “Shit, there was insulation. Besides, you stopped it, didn’t you?”

“This isn’t funny. I stopped, but I have to tell Kyle what I did, and he’ll break up with me.”

“I don’t think so. I think Kyle loves you, and if you two talk, you can work it out. I also think you love him. If you want to keep him, you’ll fight.”

“What should I do?”

“This is something you’ll have to figure out, Trish. I can tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t do something you wouldn’t have done if this didn’t happen.”

There was a knock on the door, and Amy answered it. She returned with a pot of coffee on a tray and put it on the table. My sister poured two cups and gave me one. I sipped the coffee, then put it down.

I stood up to go to the bathroom and felt my stomach churn. I ran to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, thinking I would be sick. After a moment, the feeling passed, and I sat down. When I returned, Amy had finished her coffee and said she had to go.

“Have fun on your honeymoon. Tell Darrel I said goodbye.”

Amy and I hugged before she left. I drank some of my coffee, refilled the cup, and took it into the bathroom. After turning on the shower, I climbed into the tub and stood under the spray. Standing under the warm water, I felt like my body had been drained. My head was pounding, and my stomach was uneasy.

After shampooing the hairspray out of my hair and removing the pins I’d missed, I washed my body and began to rinse off. I turned down the hot water until the shower was as cold as I could stand it. By the time I got out, I was shivering. I grabbed a towel and rubbed myself briskly, trying to warm up. Once dry, I fixed my hair in a ponytail and packed my toiletries.

Sitting on my bed, I tried to decide what to wear home. After making up my mind, I put on clean underwear, a tank top, and a wraparound skirt. I packed my suitcase, put it by the door, and checked that I had everything.

I called my parents’ room and told my dad I was ready anytime he and Mom were. He said they were going for breakfast and invited me to join them. When Dad said, “Don’t worry, honey, everything will work out,” I knew Mom had told him about what had happened with Joe.

I left my luggage in my room, went to the coffee shop, and waited for my parents. When they arrived, we went in and found a table. I ordered coffee and dry toast while my parents had bacon and eggs. During breakfast, the conversation was about the wedding. Neither of my parents mentioned my predicament or offered any advice. When we finished, Dad asked a bellhop for help with our luggage.

It was eleven o’clock when Dad pulled away from the hotel, and we headed home. I leaned against the back seat door and thought about what Mom and Amy had told me. I knew what I should do, but I wasn’t sure if I could do it.

Mom and Dad were chatting about the wedding and the different guests there. I tried to listen, but my mind wasn’t into their conversation. At some point, I drifted to sleep.

Dad woke me up when we were home, telling me I had slept for several hours. I felt much better than earlier when I got out of the car. I helped my parents carry our bags into the house, then checked the answering machine. There were no messages from Kyle, and I felt relieved.

I went to my room, unpacked my suitcase, and put my dirty clothes in the hamper. Like most times I went anywhere, I had more clothes I didn’t wear than I did. I checked my purse, found I still had a few cigarettes and went to the yard to smoke.

As the afternoon wore on, I began to feel nervous about talking to Kyle. I didn’t know when he would be home or if I’d see him. It dawned on me I hadn’t found a birthday present for him, and I went to ask my dad if I could use the car.

I drove to the mall, went to the card shop, and looked at several humorous cards, deciding I wanted something more sincere. I found a card with a verse conveying how I felt about Kyle and bought it.

After leaving the card shop, I walked around the mall, trying to decide what to get Kyle. I went into a shop and fell in love with a small stuffed bear with a collar around its neck. A metal tag on the collar said, ‘You mean the world to me.’ I bought the bear and a box to wrap it in.

As I drove home, I wondered if I’d have the chance to give the card and gift to Kyle. I decided to tell him what I’d done and see what would happen. My mom was right about how I would feel if I tried to hide it from Kyle.

When I turned onto our street, I was scared I’d see Kyle’s car parked in the drive. I didn’t, and I sighed in relief as I parked in the garage, grabbed the bag from the mall, and went inside.

Mom and Dad were sitting in the family room. Dad was watching golf on television, and Mom was reading a magazine. I told them I was home and waited to see if they would say Kyle called. When neither said anything more than hello, I went to my room.

I took the stuffed bear out of the bag, removed the price tag, and held the small toy to my chest. The fear of what was coming between Kyle and me consumed me, making it difficult to think straight. The longer I thought about things, the more depressed I became.

With tears in my eyes, I got up and went to find some wrapping paper. After removing the box from the hall closet, I returned to my room and wrapped the gift. Once the bear was covered in colorful paper, I opened the card and reread the verse.

I searched my brain for something to write on the cards, but it kept coming up blank. Did I want to say I love you? Did I love Kyle? Holding the card, I laid back on my bed to think.

As I rested with my eyes closed, I began trying to rationalize what had happened between Joe and me. Was I at fault? Was it what I wanted to happen? Did I enjoy the feeling of his lips on mine? I shuddered when I thought of what I might have done if I’d had another drink.

I thought about the sweet rum punch and wondered how something so tasty could be so evil. How could it make someone like me lose all my sense of worth and surrender to Joe’s advances? If anyone told me I would have ended up letting another boy kiss me, I would have called them crazy and professed my undying love for Kyle.

My undying love for Kyle? How could I even think such a thing? How could I think I was in love and still be so weak? Once again, I questioned my feelings for my boyfriend.

I felt my head pounding again, not from the aftermath of my drinking but from the confused thoughts filling it. After putting the card on my nightstand, I curled up and hugged my pillow.

“Trish, are you awake?” I heard my mom’s voice and felt her hand on my shoulder. “Trish, Kyle’s downstairs.”

I rolled onto my back, looked up, and stared at my mom. The overhead light was on, and I shaded my eyes against the glaring brightness.

“What, Mom?”

“I said Kyle is here. He’s downstairs.” Mom sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my arm. “I told him I thought you may be sleeping. Do you want to see him?”

I twisted around, hung my legs over the side of the bed, and rubbed my eyes. Once I was fully awake, I sighed and looked at my mom.

“I’m scared, Mom.”

Putting her arm around my shoulders, Mom pulled me to her side. “I know. I have a good idea of how you feel right now, honey. I can tell him you’re sleeping if you want me to.”

I shook my head. “No, I’ll talk to Kyle. Would you please tell him I’ll be down in a minute? I want to wash my face and freshen up.”

Mom agreed and left. I went to my bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were red from crying, and my hair was a mess. After splashing cold water on my face, I removed the scrunchy from my hair, shook it out, picked up my brush, and pulled it through the tangles, making myself presentable.

Back in my room, I looked at my reflection in my full-length mirror and shook my head. My skirt was wrinkled, so I decided to change. I removed the skirt and pulled on a pair of khaki shorts, tucking the tails of my top in before zipping and buttoning them.

I picked up a pen, sat on my bed, and opened the birthday card I’d picked out for Kyle. I took a deep breath, exhaling as I put pen to paper.

I wrote, ‘I’m yours – Trish,’ on the card, then put it into the envelope. I scrawled ‘Kyle’ on the outside and sealed it.

I picked up the package, looking in the mirror before going downstairs. Before reaching the staircase, I stopped and turned around. I returned to my room, got my cigarettes and lighter, and put them in my pocket.

I found Kyle sitting in the family room with my parents when I got downstairs. His smile filled me as he stood up, came over, and hugged me. I wanted to die. My feelings were a mixture of love, fear, and something I couldn’t identify.

“Hi, Kyle.” I tried to smile.

“Hi, Trish.” His greeting was less than enthusiastic. “It’s great to see you.”

When I glanced at my mom, she smiled at me.

“Let’s go outside,” I said.

I headed for the kitchen and the door leading to the patio. Kyle followed me and sat across from me at the patio table, sharing uncomfortable gazes. I was almost sure he knew and wondered if my mom had told him. I wondered if he was about to tell me goodbye forever.

“Happy birthday, Kyle.” I pushed the package and card across the table toward him.

Kyle glanced at the package, then the ground. I was sure he knew and waited for the ball to drop.

“Trish, I can’t tell you how much you mean to me. Over the past couple of months, I’ve discovered feelings I didn’t know could exist. These past few days have been hell without you.”

“I know. I feel the same way.” I was confused.

“Please don’t say anything until I finish, Trish. This is very hard for me.”

My heart was breaking, and tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked, trying to clear my eyes, and nodded. Bracing myself for the worst, I waited for Kyle to say goodbye.

Kyle started talking again, but I wasn’t hearing what he said. Although his voice was loud and clear, my mind was made up about what he was saying.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, and I’ll understand if you never want to see me again, but I did something wrong.”

I started. The things Kyle said were what I was supposed to be saying. I was the one who was wrong, not him. Looking at him, I furrowed my brow.

“While I was at my grandparents’ house for the reunion, a couple of my second cousins and I got a hold of a jar of corn liquor. My uncles from Kentucky have a still and make moonshine. Anyway, my cousins and I went to the barn and drank some.

“Before I knew it, I was drunk. My cousins and I started talking, and we were fooling around the next thing I knew. Trish, I kissed one of my cousins.”

Kyle paused and waited for my reaction. I was speechless. How could he be telling me what I did but in reverse? I nodded and waited for him to continue, not knowing what to say.

“Anyway, we all ended up at the creek and went swimming. We didn’t have suits, so my cousins talked me into wearing my underwear. After swimming in the cold water, I sobered up, realized what I was doing was wrong, and got dressed.”

It took several minutes for what he’d said to sink in. As I absorbed his words, I was at a loss as to how to react. After thinking about it for a few moments, I realized how it sounded, and my story was much the same.

Looking up at Kyle, my heart began to pound in my chest. He asked me to understand as I planned to ask him to do. Slowly, my fears drained from my body, and I felt my mouth forming a smile.

“Was your cousin a boy or a girl?” I asked, looking into his beautiful eyes.

“What? What do you mean? Um, a girl, of course.”

I got up, sat on his lap, and kissed his cheek. “Good, I would be upset if it was a boy.”

“You’re not mad at me?” Kyle seemed very surprised.

I shook my head, hoping he would be as understanding as I was trying to be.

Laying my head against his shoulder, I sighed.

“Darrel’s cousin was a guy.”

“Huh?”

I gave Kyle an abridged version of my foray with Joe. I felt his body stiffen when I told him about Joe kissing me, but he relaxed when I said I stopped it. After telling him, I waited for his response.