Chapter 7

Graduation Day

Graduation Day for the Unseen University is a somber affair (families that scrimped and saved to put their sons through the underclassmen program at UU now realize that their child is going to get a job that pays noticeably nothing and they will never be repaid a dime of the tuition, books, and lab fees they shelled out over the past 4 years) The graduation ceremony is held in a corner of Patrician’s Park, a beautiful five acre estate in the center of Ankh-Morpork surrounded by high walls which were manned at all times by armed guards.

Inside the park is an area where the graduates, families, and faculty of the Unseen University are “guarded” (guarded meaning being kept safe in one place and not allowed to pollute the rest of Patrician’s Park with their presence) The area where the ceremony is held is a flat, dusty corner where an “accidental” spill of highly toxic herbicide killed all plant and animal life and exposure to that corner for any longer than 35 minutes is considered suicide. The Graduation ceremony is scheduled for 34 minutes. Heavily armed and armored mercenaries ring the ceremony. Their primary purpose is to remind the attendees that the name Patrician’s Park denotes ownership, not largess. They also remind the attendees that they are guests and are restricted to one corner, and that is only due to a centuries old contract between an ancient Patrician and the Unseen University.

As the guests entered, they first walked across the draw bridge before going through the massive portcullis. The draw bridge crossed a fetid moat where things moved under the rainbow hue oil slicked the surface of a bizarre and foul liquid that once was water. Occasionally a bubble would escape through the thick, gelatinous solution and burst releasing a foul smelling dark green vapor, and on the banks of the moat were the partial carcasses of creatures that tried to claw their way out of the moat: rabbits, squirrels, sewer rats, recalcitrant taxpayers...

Once across the drawbridge, the visitors were greeted with the scent of piping hot polenta. The scalding hot paste made of cornmeal, a staple of the diet of the lower classes, was poured down onto unwelcome or unruly guests through murder holes in the portcullis’s ceiling where it would stick to the skin of the malefactors causing severe and extremely painful burns. At the same time, it allowed the Patrician to claim that he was merely providing a hot lunch to his guests.

The graduation attendees may get a glimpse of the park through ranks of guards that lined their route to the ceremony area. Someone who was tall enough to see over the guard’s shoulders would have seen the park filled with tree-lined paths, singing flower gardens, laughing fountains, decorative waterfalls, over-elaborate lawns, ornate bridges over babbling brooks streaming with actual water (a rare and expensive commodity in Ankh-Morpork), and rose covered pavilions perfect for a romantic tête-à-tête.

A stage was set up for the ceremony and it was filled with the faculty of the Unseen University, and also with local celebrities, such as Stench Reinhart, the Patrician’s executive assistant for mundane appearances, Lady Sybil Vimes and her husband Samuel Vimes, the Duke of Ankh, Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson commander of the city watch and his wife Angua Ironfoundersson. Captain Carrot is the tallest dwarf in history, being a human raised by dwarves, and his wife Angua is a housebroken werewolf.

A flyover by the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons Precision Flight Team of seven well-trained swamp dragons streaming black and blue smoke (the official colors of the City of Ankh-Morpork) entertained the attendees. Swamp Dragons, Draco Vulgaris which means “common dragon,” are small, about the size of the average beagle, and the duchess, Lady Sybil Vimes, spends her free time caring for abandoned swamp dragons. Her husband Sam, the Duke of Ankh, has a small dragon perched on his shoulder as a handy cigar lighter. Unfortunately, regardless of how cute they are, swamp dragons actually make horrible pets, mostly due to their habit of exploding without warning. Swamp dragons are difficult to house break, but they can be litter box trained, just be sure to use non-flammable litter.

With the flyover completed without loss of life, the ceremony was set to begin. Meanwhile, in his palace, the Patrician, Havelock Vetinari, looked out from his balcony where the park blocks his view of the city of Ankh-Morpork (by design). He noticed that there was a notable person missing from the faculty. A faculty member that never misses a party.

“Mister Handletyre, do you see anyone missing from the dais?”

The Patrician’s social secretary, Tredwell Handletyre, pulled a brass and crystal monocular out of his frock coat and studied the stage as Havelock sat at his desk. “All that is missing, that I can see, is the monkey.”

“Now, now,” said Vetinari, wagging a finger without looking up from a report, “somehow those inept magicians have accumulated a collection of the most powerful books of magic in the multiverse. Their librarian is the only thing keeping that library from exploding in a thaumo-nuclear blast taking us, and everything down to the turtle with it.” He muttered under his breath as he folded the report, sealing it with each fold. He dripped wax from a red candle on the last fold, pressed the seal with his ring, then looked up at Handltyre. “We need to find out what the librarian is doing. Handle that for me, will you? And be sure to remember that he is an ape, not a monkey. And drop this off with the Assassins Guild please?”

Tredwell watched the Patrician inscribe the folded report with red ink handling instructions F.H.&K.H. (Find Him & Kill Him) “That is a bit severe for missing a graduation ceremony, is it not?” asked Tredwell.

“Hmm? Oh that. No, that’s not for the librarian, that’s for Mister Ving.”