Chapter 4: Kitt

Friday, September 15, 2023

“Oh, to hell with you, Mario!” Bart yelled at the screen. “Fucking dumbass motherfucking plumber piece of fucking shit!”

I laughed as I taunted Bart with my Mario onscreen. I had just knocked his Pikachu off the platform in another round of Super Smash Bros on the Nintendo Switch. We were going into our second hour of gaming. Bart had recently broken up with his girlfriend, Barbie, of almost six months and was more depressed about it than he let on. This was my way of cheering him up.

Bart threw his controller at the couch, where it collided with a pillow and tumbled onto the cushion. He ran his fingers through his short blond hair, messing it up but not in a bad way. I set my controller down on the coffee table.

“Fuck video games.”

“Dude,” I said, grabbing a pretzel from the bowl beside my controller, “you gotta chill. Your life is still good. You’re good-looking, rich, and young. This is not the end of the world.”

“Barbie broke up with me because I wouldn’t become Russian Orthodox, Kitt. What the fuck is that all about? I’m not going to be something I’m not. She doesn’t even go to church!”

“You just need to get back out there and find your person, man. The person who loves you and wants you regardless of your religious status. Honestly, Barbie was too high maintenance.”

“Really?”

I nodded.

Bart thought about that for a moment, then shook his head. “No, don’t do that! Because who knows if we will get back together, and then I’m going to know you don’t like her.”

“I never said I don’t like her. I just said she’s high maintenance. But I do think you can do better.”

“Maybe I should just be like you. Get into porn and just fuck bitches for a living.”

I laughed, but I couldn’t tell if Bart was serious about being jealous of my life or not.

“How much are you making now, Kitt?”

“Between my two jobs, I probably don’t make as much as you do, shithead.” I wasn’t sure that was true anymore with the way my FFE channel was growing. I had nearly 3,000 subscribers, and that number ticked higher every day. But internet fame was fickle, and it could all disappear overnight if I wasn’t careful.

“Yeah, but you get to fuck women and have threesomes and foursomes.”

“Are you watching my porn channel?” I narrowed my eyes at him and smirked. “Are you gay for me now?”

“Fuck you. I was curious. You and your stupid God-level cock.” Bart scratched the back of his head. “Actually, man, you know what I was thinking? Or I guess I should say who I was thinking about asking out?”

“Who?”

“Bethany.” He said it while he looked at me with obvious unease. “I was thinking about when she and I went out during college.”

Snakes crawled around my stomach at the idea. “Yeah, sure.”

Bart scratched at his five o’clock shadow. “It’s weird. I was genuinely happy those few weeks she and I dated. But I knew she wasn’t into sex and stuff, and I wanted to get my dick wet. Now that stuff doesn’t seem so important to me. I mean, Barbie and I fucked all the time. Didn’t do me a damn bit of good, though, did it?”

“I guess not.”

My guts were still roiling at the idea of Bart and Bethany going out again. Though what could I say about it? Bethany still wouldn’t talk to me. She avoided me at work, and she had blocked my number on her phone. She clearly wanted me out of her life, but I didn’t want her dating my best friend.

“You two still not speaking to each other?” he asked tentatively.

I shook my head.

“What happened there?”

“Uh...” I didn’t want to tell him she started taking off her clothes and throwing herself at me because that would put a damper on his plans. “I sort of ran out on her when she was baring herself—er, her soul—to me. I didn’t handle it very well. She’s right to be angry.”

Bart grabbed his controller and held it up. “Rematch?”

I picked up my controller, too.

“No fucking Mario,” Bart warned. “Pick someone else.”

“You want to pick for me?”

“Just pick someone else.”

I chose Link. The next round began. I was focused on destroying my friend, but he seemed more intent on having a conversation with the game in the background.

“Do your parents know?” Bart asked.

“About Bethany?”

Bart guffawed. “No, dumbass. About you being Super Schlong.”

“Oh, yeah. They know.”

“What did they say?”

That conversation had happened less than three weeks ago, so it was still fresh on my mind. I’d driven to my parents’ house to break the news before they found out from someone else. I told them privately after dinner. My mom and dad’s reactions were not the same.

My mom exclaimed, “Well, I hope you’re using protection!”

And my dad asked, “Why?”

I assured my mother I was getting tested regularly and only having sex with women who did the same. And then I told my dad, “It just sort of happened.”

“Are you still a nurse?” my mom asked. “Or did they kick you out?”

“I’m still a nurse, Mom,” I insisted. “I love being a nurse. Someone offered me this thing, and I tried it. And I liked it.”

“That was you looking at all that porn on our family computer when you were in high school, wasn’t it?” my dad asked. “And Scott took the fall for you.”

“Uh ... yeah.” For some reason, I was more ashamed to admit that than I’d been to tell them I was filming porn. “I’m sorry for lying.”

“Well, now we know why you’re so interested in putting your dick onscreen.”

“Bill!” my mom exclaimed. “You can’t say that!”

“I just did say it, Ann.”

My mom looked at me sternly. “What you do with your body and with whom you do it is your business. But I don’t want you talking to your little brothers about it.”

“They might find out,” I said. “What do I do then?”

My mother shrugged. “Tell them you were broke and needed the money. And you tell them it barely pays the bills.”

“That means you have to keep driving the piece of shit car,” my dad added.

“Bill! Language!”

All in all, the talk went way better than I’d hoped. My parents still loved me and trusted me to do what I thought was best for me.

After telling Bart all that, he just laughed. “Your parents always were cooler than mine. My dad would cut off my dick and make me eat it. My mom would never talk to me again.”

“Those are reasonable responses.”

“Totally. By the way, you never told me what you think about me giving Bethany another shot.”

“Uh. Yeah. Sure. Like I said, she won’t talk to me—”

Bart paused the game. “Kitt, pull your fucking head out of your ass, man.”

“What?”

“Bethany is fucking in love with you!”

“No. What? No.”

“Why do you think she bought you a $5,000 comic book for Christmas? She wants to tell you, but she doesn’t know how!”

A lightning bolt crashing down on my head couldn’t have stunned me more. “Bethany? Bethany bought that for me?”

“Yeah. Bethany. Amazing Spider-Man #14. First appearance of the Green Goblin. Who do you think told her you coveted that comic book?”

“You?”

“Bingo, asshole. She is nuts about you. She wants to have your babies.”

I couldn’t talk because my mouth had gone bone dry. Other people had joked and hinted at this. But coming from Bart, it was too real. He knew her almost as well as I did. We’d all been friends for years. Bethany and I had been friends for years. Friends.

“Since when?”

“Why do you think she didn’t want to fuck me in college. She was saving herself for the right guy. And deep in my balls, I knew who she thought the right guy was.”

“Me?”

“Bingo again, mega-asshole.”

“I can’t have a relationship with Bethany and be Super Schlong.”

Bart unpaused the game and took advantage of my distraction to smash Link off the platform.

“Do you love her?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I won’t deny we have something special, but to overhaul my whole life based on a maybe? I’m not looking to settle down with anyone.”

“Not even the great fucking Dr. Uma Granger?”

“Not going to happen. I’m her booty call.”

Even as I said the words, I couldn’t help but think of what an amazing experience we’d shared when I took the X-Change pill and made love to her as a woman. Not fucking or just raw sex as we’d previously shared, but genuinely incredible lovemaking.

“Is your friendship with Bethany important to you, Kitt?”

“Of course.”

“Then you gotta do something. You gotta fix it. Somehow.”

My frustration mounted, and I took it out on Bart on his big-ass TV screen. I finished the fight and beat him.

“Fucking elf Link with his fucking sword and fucking bombs,” Bart swore as he threw his controller again.

“I’m gonna go talk to her right now,” I decided. “She’s off work. Might as well try.”

“Now? I’m down three games on you.”

“Sorry. You suck.”

“Fuck you, Kitt Walker!” Bart shouted way too dramatically as I left his place, his voice a pretty good impression of Samuel L. Jackson. “Fuck you, motherfucker!”

I drove straight over to Bethany’s condo. I knocked on her door, but she didn’t answer. I knocked three more times and still did not get an answer.

On my way to my car, London texted me, asking me to pick up some groceries for the apartment on my way home. I stopped by the supermarket and spotted a familiar face in the Asian food aisle.

Bethany.

She was by herself, staring at a jar of kimchi. I changed directions and headed toward her.

“Annyeonghaseyo!” I called to her from a few feet away.

Bethany looked at me, and her expression turned to a scowl, but I had maneuvered my cart so she couldn’t push past me. She’d have to back it up or turn it around. She didn’t say a word to me as she put the kimchi into her cart and made a U-turn. I pushed forward hurriedly so I could at least keep up with her.

“Bethany ... please talk to me. Please don’t ignore me anymore. I literally can’t take it.”

Still not speaking to me, she marched down the aisle, pushing her cart as fast as she safely could, but I stayed with her step for step. We turned the corner into the central back aisle before Bethany finally stopped and glared daggers at me. I gave her my best smile in return.

“Get away from me.”

Her words stunned me. This wasn’t I’m mad at you, but I need to get my anger out so I can forgive you body language. This was I want to rip your heart out of your chest, pee on it, and then stomp on it with high heels loathing.

“Bethany, I just want to apologize.”

“You’re sorry. Great. Fuck you, Kitt.”

Again, she tried to move past me, but I would not let it go. “I screwed up, and I want to fix it. You are my best friend—”

“Am I?” Bethany asked in a loud voice. “Am I your best friend? Why? We don’t play video games together like you and Bart. We don’t go to sporting events like you and your brother. We don’t make porn together like you and Temptress Delilah! We don’t screw each other’s brains out and start businesses like you and London. We don’t tell each other all our secrets like you and whoever! Dr. Granger, maybe? We just work together and hang out sometimes. That’s it. What is so best about our friendship?”

“I shouldn’t have kept you in the dark.”

“Answer my question!” she shouted. A few heads turned to look at us. I ignored them.

“You’re the one person in my life I don’t want to ever disappoint. And yet you’re the one person I keep letting down.”

“Why do you want to be my friend?” Bethany asked. “I’m not your best friend. I’m your worst friend. I’m the friend who you spend time with because I want to, not because you want to. Admit it. I’m your pity friend.”

“That’s not true. I’ve been begging you to talk to me. I go out of my way to make time for you. I don’t need to have a special activity with you. I like you for who you are. We just ... we just work.”

Bethany had tears in her eyes, but she still glared at me. “Stop it. Stop making me think I’m special to you! I threw myself at you. I offered you my virginity. And you ran out of the house because of a text from Dr. Granger. How should I take that? Huh? Did you go over to her house and fuck her too? Like you fuck everybody else?”

I should have lied. I should have said no. Instead, my voice caught in my throat. And even worse, Bethany saw it in my face.

“Oh my God, you did, didn’t you?”

“Bethany...”

“Just shut up. You make me sick.” Bethany turned away from me and pushed her cart.

“I didn’t go there for that. I didn’t know. You don’t even understand what’s going on with her.”

“And I don’t care anymore!” she said, spinning back. “Don’t you get that? You are so—” Bethany screamed wordlessly at the top of her lungs.

A store manager approached us, stepping out of the aisle cautiously with a phony smile hitched on his face. “Hey, folks. Your conversation is disturbing our shoppers. I have to ask you to go. You can leave your shopping carts here, and we’ll put the groceries away for you.”

“Our conversation is over,” Bethany said. “We won’t bother anybody.”

“I’m sorry,” the manager said, his smile slipping away. “You need to leave now. You can walk directly out, or I can call the police to escort you.”

I abandoned my shopping cart and started for the doors before I got into trouble. Bethany took her time leaving as she walked behind me. After we left the store, I scanned the parking lot for Bethany’s car and went to it instead of mine. Bethany saw me and stopped to get her phone out.

“I’m calling the police,” she said, already dialing.

“Oh, for crying out loud, Bethany!” I said, “Why can’t we figure this out like adults? Put your phone away.”

“Get away from my car.”

I stepped away from her car door. “I didn’t know what was going to happen at Uma’s house. She texted me that she needed me like there was an emergency. I thought she was in trouble. I would never have walked out on you unless I thought it was serious. You matter so much to me!”

Bethany shook her head. “You still don’t get it! I don’t care, Kitt. I don’t care about you, Uma, or what you’re doing anymore. And I am done letting what you think of me matter to me. You are dead to me. Do you understand? You ... you don’t exist anymore. Not for me.”

“You want me out of your life completely?” I asked. When I licked my lips, my tongue felt like it’d been covered in sandpaper.

“Completely.”

“No,” I said. “To hell with that. I don’t want that.”

Bethany wiped her eyes and clutched her purse in front of her like a shield. Her voice was hoarse, and it dropped to a whisper. “Kitt ... you humiliated me. What you want doesn’t matter. This is what I need.”

“How can you say that?” I was crying and didn’t realize it until a tear found its way to the corner of my mouth. “You said you wanted to spend time with me always. No matter what. You said that!”

More tears fell from Bethany. “Then I lied.” She pushed past me and opened her car door.

I had to say something to make her stop. I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “Bart told me you bought me the comic book for Christmas.”

It worked. Bethany stopped and looked at me with a frightened expression. “He wasn’t supposed to do that. Damn him! Do all men suck?”