Chapter 16: Jade

Thursday, November 15, 2023

I stood in my bathroom, staring at my reflection.

Ugly.

My skin was a pasty gray instead of the deep mocha it used to be—the consequence of rarely going outside for the last several weeks. The purple rings under my eyes were so thick and dark that it looked like I was wearing eye makeup.

Skinny.

My cheekbones had never been so pronounced. I could see faint outlines of my ribs despite my full, milky breasts. My hip bones were too prominent, my legs too thin.

Scary.

My eyes had a constantly haunted look. My hair had become stringy and unhealthy. The happy sparkle in my eyes was long gone. I was a shell of my former self. I turned away from what I saw.

My gaze fell on the razor resting on the small shelf in my shower. I went to pick it up, but it slipped from my grip and clattered onto the shower floor. When I stood, my head swam, and I swayed dangerously until the dizziness passed.

The razor was designed for a woman with five blades in a cute pink plastic shell. But I knew it wouldn’t be hard to pry the blades out of the casing and use one of them to open a vein or artery. Then, I could bleed all over the floor, and all my problems would flow away with my blood. No more school. No more mom and dad fighting. No more Sir. A blissful end.

My heart hammered in a mixture of terror and excitement at the idea of taking my own life. I examined the razor closely, figuring out what I had to do to make it into something I could use. I discovered small seams in the plastic where enough pressure would pop it apart and allow me to extract the blades. Any pair of pliers would do the trick. I walked naked across my apartment, past a still-sleeping Fanny, and went into my tool drawer. When I’d moved into the little studio almost eighteen months ago, my dad had bought me a few tools: a screwdriver with interchangeable tips, a hammer, measuring tape, an adjustable wrench, and pliers.

After a couple of squeezes with the pliers on the sides of the razor, the plastic cracked. Five small blades spilled onto the countertop. I threw away the razor casing and lined the blades up. All I needed to do now was get into the shower, turn on the hot water, and cut.

Fanny stirred in my bed.

“Jade?” she called.

I put the pliers away and slid the razors into the drawer, shutting it quickly.

“Yeah?” I slipped into my next to her.

Fanny looked at me and smiled. “Hey. Last night was amazing...” She flopped onto her back and giggled. “Like literally the best night of my life.”

“Why?”

Fanny stroked my cheek. All I sensed from her was pure bliss. The guilt she’d been harboring—the small nugget buried away but consistently present—had grown. This surprised me. What was that all about?

“I opened up to you in a way I never thought possible. And you accepted me. You gave me what I always wanted.”

“I did?”

Fanny laughed. “Yes. Don’t you remember?”

“I was super tired. I’ve been taking Adderall to get through the days. My memory is a little hazy, that’s all.”

Fanny’s bright expression dimmed. “I told you I’ve always wanted to be owned, taken, used. Treated like a sex toy. It’s this dirty secret of mine I’ve always held back from you. I don’t know why. But last night, you got it out of me. You gave me what I wanted. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said softly, letting her kiss me.

“So where did this come from?” she asked as she gently squeezed my cock and shaft. “No vag. Only cock and balls. It’s kinda hot. Can you switch back to the other way? The other futanari form?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking under the sheets at it.

“How can you not know?”

“I just don’t.”

Fanny sighed and took my face in her hands. “Jade, I know something is going on with you. Something weird or special. I know something happened between us. Definitely something special. We can feel each other in a way people normally can’t. When I touch you, I feel more at peace and more safe than anywhere else. That’s why it’s frustrating when you don’t tell me things. Or when you push me away. I want to be here for you forever!”

“I’m not pushing—”

Fanny kissed me. “You can tell me everything. There is nothing that can stop me from staying with you. I’m never going to leave you again.”

I couldn’t. Fanny was too emotional. Too devoted. If I told her about Sir and the blackmail, who knew what she might do? I had made a mistake by making her my witness. I couldn’t allow anybody to get this close to me again.

“I want to break up,” I whispered.

Fanny’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“I want to break up.” This time, the words came louder. I tried to say them as though I meant them, even though it tore me apart inside to say it.

“Why?” Fanny asked, sitting up. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“I can fucking tell that you don’t!” she shouted. “Last night, you took me in ways that I have only fantasized about because I asked you to. I bore my soul to you, and you gave me everything I wanted. I can tell when you touch me that you want me. And now you’re telling me this bullshit! Why, Jade? Tell me fucking why!”

We stared at each other for a long moment, both of us naked, kneeling on my bed opposite each other. I had to do this now. I had to end it to protect her.

“Because you’re too much,” I finally said. I tapped into all of the rage and pain building up inside me over the last four months, and I released it all on Fanny. “Because you are too clingy, blunt to the point of rudeness, and pushy when you want something. You’re a selfish, cock-loving futawhore! And the way you practically worship me is so pathetic. It’s embarrassing sometimes.”

Tears welled up in her eyes, and her lips quivered.

“You need to forget me. Get over me. Move on. Find real love! Because what we have isn’t real love. It’s just lust. It’s just fucking. You were obsessed with hentai and futanari porn before you ever met me. You just transferred all that onto me.”

“No, I didn’t—” she began.

“Yes! What you feel for me is lust.”

“I love you!” she screamed. “I’m in love with you! I have been for months.”

“I’m not in love with you!” I shouted back. “And I can’t pretend to be for your sake.”

Something in Fanny broke when I said those words. It was as though the last strand of hope she’d been clinging to, the hope that we would somehow work out in the end, had been ripped to shreds by my poisonous diatribe.

Fanny didn’t even dress. Dripping tears, she silently grabbed her clothes off the floor, pressed them to her body, and left my apartment. I did not try to stop her, but my heart broke as I watched her go.

She and I had gone through several spats and arguments since our freshman year of college began, but I had good reason to believe this was the one to finally end our relationship, witness or not. What kind of a person was I who would chase away somebody who was supposed to be my bonded partner?

A true monster.

I thought about the razor blades sitting in the drawer. My heart began to race again. I opened the drawer and grabbed them, then went into my bathroom. I stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water. It warmed quickly. I closed the door behind me and let the heat soak into my skin and relax my muscles. I placed the razors on the shelf next to my shampoo and conditioner bottles and waited for my body to warm and get my blood rushing quickly.

After about ten minutes, I was ready. I picked up the first blade and held it to my wrist. My heart hammered against my chest, trying to get in as many beats as possible before it ended. Didn’t it realize that by hastening its rhythm, it quickened its demise? I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, held it for several seconds, and then let it go.

Was I really going to do this? I thought of Opal, my mom and dad, my younger siblings. What would this do to them? Had my life truly gotten so bad that I wanted it to be over?

I made my choice.

Then the water instantly went ice cold, and I screamed in shock. The blade fell to the shower floor, and I spun around to adjust the water temperature. No matter what I did, the water sprayed ice cold. I finally got out, pulled a towel over myself, and left the bathroom to get my phone. My landlord was going to get an earful.

Then I saw Michael sitting on my sofa and stopped dead in my tracks.

“You!”

“Hello, Jade,” he said. “I’m sorry for ruining your shower.”

Michael wore a forest green suit with a yellow shirt and a white tie. His crossed legs showed off yellow socks and white shoes. He watched me with the air of a father harboring deep concern for a wayward daughter.

“Sit down,” he said. “We should talk.”

“I would like to get dressed first,” I stated.

Michael looked at me as if he hadn’t noticed I was in a towel. I had the impression he wasn’t oblivious to my state, but things like clothes and nudity mattered very little to him. I could probably sit naked as a jaybird in front of him, and it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. To him, that is. It would matter a great deal to me.

I grabbed a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt and ducked back into my little bathroom. I dressed quickly, ignoring the razor blade on the shower floor and the others perched on the ledge. Then, I returned and sat in my chair.

Michael still stared at me with a look of deep concern, but he did it with a kind, caring smile that made me squirm. For some reason, in his presence, my skin crawled and itched. I wanted him to get out of my apartment immediately.

“I have to go,” I said. “I have classes.”

“That shower is not the answer to your problems,” he said tenderly. “You need to pause for a moment and reevaluate your life. I’m here to help you if you would like my assistance.”

“I wasn’t going to do it. After thinking it over, I decided I wanted to live.”

“Why did the thought of killing yourself even cross your mind?”

Tears welled up in my eyes and then trickled down my cheeks like drops of rain. “I don’t know what to do,” I gasped. “I’m trapped.”

“You are never trapped,” Michael said.

“I am!” I struggled to say. “If I stop or don’t do what I’m told, Sir will ruin my life. Everything I’ve worked for will be gone!”

“You don’t know that,” Michael said. “You can’t know that until you try. You see only one choice, but that is not your reality. It is only your lack of vision.”

His words were like a slap across my face. “Please help me! Tell me what I should do!” I didn’t remember getting off the chair, but I was on my knees on the floor, hands clasped in supplication. “I’ll do whatever you say.”

Michael observed me gravely. “Jade, I cannot tell you what to do.”

“Please—”

Almost imperceptibly, he pulled away from me. But in my state, I assumed he found me and my groveling repugnant. “It is against my very nature to do so. You must understand this! Your problems can’t just magically disappear. You must deal with them. You must face them head-on and tackle them. Most of them are the consequences of your choices.”

“What good are you if you won’t help me?” I shouted as I stood up. “Instead, you’re blaming me for this shit!”

“That is not what I said,” Michael responded. “Yes, you chose to engage in intercourse with your friends in the library, giving Sir the footage needed to blackmail you. You chose to do what Sir asked time after time instead of standing up and saying no. Now, there exists hours and hours of video of you doing exactly what you were blackmailed for doing. And you’ve isolated yourself from your witness, who is meant to be a support and source of strength to you. Can’t you see how your choices are making your life worse? Then you—”

I grabbed Michael by the collar and shook. “Shut the fuck up!”

Michael fell silent and grabbed my hands, gently prying them off of his suit coat. “I’m sorry, Jade. I shouldn’t have said those things. You needed kindness and sympathy, and I didn’t offer that. Let me try again.”

“No,” I said softly. “Just go. Just get out.”

“Please, Jade,” he pressed. “I do want to help, but there are rules.”

I stared at the carpet, wishing again that I was dead. “You are useless. You are completely useless. You can’t or won’t help, so go.”

Michael stood and straightened his suit. “I think I made a grave error in coming here today, and I am terribly sorry for hurting you. Perhaps I should have sent someone else in my place. Someone more empathetic. I have been around for so long and seen so much. Sometimes, I fear I’ve become too detached from the very people I try to help. I only hope—”

“Get out!” I screamed. “And stay away from me!”

“I will leave,” Michael pronounced as he headed for the door, “but we will keep an eye on you. Please don’t do anything foolish.”

I slammed the door behind him.

“I thought he’d never leave,” a deep voice said behind me.

I put my head against the door and let the coolness of it chill my forehead.

“Nicholas,” I said through gritted teeth. I didn’t have to look to know who it was.

“It’s been a while,” he said.

“It’s been nearly six months!” I snarled. “I’ve been through so much shit, and you were nowhere to be seen. You could have helped me.”

“You never called for me.”

The locket. I had forgotten about the locket he gave me months ago—before I’d learned Nicholas’ true nature. A demon.

“I fixed your hot water. Isn’t that helping? But to be fair, I would have done the same he did if he didn’t do it first.”

I turned to look at him. Unlike Michael, Nicholas was a man of less flashy taste. He wore a tight white shirt and fitted black jeans with white athletic shoes. His black hair was longer than the last time I’d seen him but still well-maintained. With his very short beard, he looked downright gorgeous. His gold-brown eyes fixed on me with a cocky, cool stare.

“You tried to kill yourself?” he asked lazily. “Really?”

For some reason, I felt far more shame at Nicholas’s disappointment than Michael’s. An angel’s was to be expected, but Nicholas ... he was so relaxed and calm.

“You’re a demon,” I finally said.

Nicholas almost smiled. “Not just any demon. I’m the son of Lucifer himself. And yes ... I lied to you. But it was for your own good. I made you into a Nexus. I made sure you got the same gifts as Marcy. After pulling that off, I’m a fucking celebrity.”

“How did you do that?” I asked. “How did I suddenly get the ability to do Kitt’s cock growing and shrinking? And now my cock can turn into Marcy’s style or the one I originally had? What is going on, Nicholas?”

Nicholas looked me up and down. “You’ll figure it out.”

Before I had time to consider what it meant, Nicholas spoke again.

“Was the angel helpful?”

I frowned at the demon.

“Didn’t think so. You were right to cast him out, and I applaud you. Angels don’t help because they self-impose too many restrictions. They have such a vivid sense of good and evil, yet they still don’t understand that such things don’t exist. There is only free will and restrictions.”

“How can you say that evil doesn’t exist?” I asked. “People do evil things every day! Murder? Rape? Theft? Racism? Genocide? Blackmail? You’re telling me that those things aren’t evil? How stupid do you think I am?”

“You’re right, Jade. Those are terrible things. But it is not a force of nature called evil that makes such things exist but power given or taken to or from other people. Murder is one person exerting their power upon another to end a life. Rape is similar. All of the things you mentioned are unequal balances of power. Laws are meant to protect and rebalance that. And that is important. But those are man’s laws. Ascribing laws higher than that and calling those things sins or evil is where you start to get into trouble. Think of how much violence and pain is caused in the name of a religion or because of guilt and shame. Religions teach God is good, correct?”

I nodded.

“Does sex feel good?”

I nodded again.

“Then sex is of God?”

I shrugged this time, not sure where he was trying to lead me. “I guess.”

“Then why do religions command people to wait until marriage to have sex? It doesn’t make it less enjoyable to do it before then? Or why do they tell homosexuals they can’t have sex?”

“I don’t know,” I answered.