Chapter 7

When I asked if my mom was the founder, I didn’t expect raucous laughter. “I can see how you’d get that impression, Sir,” my mom answered far more cordially than I might have expected her to when the laughs died down. “I am the President, and I host our annual Christmas shindig, but I didn’t start this little club.”

I had so many questions – like how did she find out about it? Why did she join? There had to be some fantastic stories, but the crowd came to play the game.

“We’d love to have you, Blitzen!” Mom said, inviting our neighbor to join the DSL club, which she happened to be the president of. Just take a moment to let that sink in—you’ve just found out there’s a DSL club, and your MOM is the president. There has to be a joke or irony in there somewhere.

“What would I have to do?” Blitzen placed her finger in her mouth as if subconsciously thinking about the name of my mother’s so-called charity. I have to admit – I was now VERY curious about the club as well.

“The name of the club is Dick Sucking Ladies,” Gary, who was up next, smacked Blitzen’s ass really hard. “You’d be sucking a lot of cock, for sure!”

“We do more than suck cock,” Mom bragged before adding, “You’d have to continue your training. I could train you with Donder; it’d be fun!”

“My husband almost figured out what I was doing a few times,” Blitzen continued sucking her finger – no doubt she was subconsciously thinking about sucking dicks. It was sexy to see her so fixated on it – I could imagine the big woman in a diaper like a baby (and strangely that aroused me for reasons unknown).

“Dave is clueless; dump that loser and get a man who wants to swap you,” Harley shouted! Her voice stood out loudest amongst the other people, encouraging her to either ditch Dave or invite him along to the next party. I noticed my sister’s boyfriend looked a little nervous – as if he might be ‘ditched’ if he didn’t support my sister.

I suppose it would be for the best -if he wasn’t comfortable with Harley’s kinky interests, and she really wanted to go down this path. I still didn’t see the allure of being a swinger. I felt like there would be inherent jealousy, and the man may feel inadequate compared to some of his wife’s lovers.

“There is no way on God’s green earth I would have ever joined DSL and tried to keep it from Eddie!” my Aunt Daisy’s throaty voice shouted over the din of supportive people offering encouragement to Blitzen. “Honesty is always the way to go! That’s part of the reason it’s enshrined in the DSL code of ethics! If you decide you want to do this, you may have some tough decisions to make.”

“I thought it was enshrined because you twats are lying, conniving manipulators who have to be forced to tell the truth, even to one another?” my Dad said in a tone that was equally scathing as it was joking.

“I thought they had to be honest because it was fun to listen to them tell us they love the taste of cum, and being treated like sluts?” Harold added more like a question than a statement of fact.

“Those are all fine reasons,” Comet agreed, with a look of chagrin. “The real reason it’s in the code is because, without honesty, you can’t be a hot wife or swing. We will talk about it later. That doesn’t mean you have to go running down the street yelling to everyone that you are in DSL. I told my son that it was a woman’s charity that did a lot of work in the black community,” she said.

You should have heard the laughter- everyone was hysterical. I felt like the butt of the joke for being gullible, but there was no way I would have ever guessed it was some sort of sex club. I thought they drank wine, read books, gossiped, and worked at homeless shelters or something.

The others weren’t really laughing at me, though. They were laughing at the “black community outreach” part of the lie. It seems my mom and her friends had a thing for black guys (as sex partners), and that’s what made it hilarious. I even laughed once I figured that out.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t tell my sons jack shit about DSL. They are horny little fuckers, but they aren’t ready to hear about it. We wouldn’t ask you to rip off the band-aid and wear a Dick Sucking Ladies t-shirt to your family reunion,” Daisy said.

“Well...” Mom joked that it might be a fun dare before suggesting they table this for after the party. I still wanted to hear more about the game, but I was also anxious to see if I’d get a turn with Blitzen. I had to wait for six guys to take a turn with her – and then decide if I was going to be able to follow through.

“This is Radio Freedom,” a foreign-sounding voice announced over the speaker system.

“K-L-F!!!” the sound of a black woman singing “uh-huh-huh” signaled the game was afoot.

“Oh, I know this one!” Blitzen moved her butt back and forth happily, returning to touch the wall with her nose, pressing her big tits up against it while holding her ass cheeks apart. “This is my jam! It brings me back to my younger days!”

I’d never heard the song before – it sounded like techno-industrial music; it had a thumping beat but long periods where the drums dropped out, and there was no sound at all.

Eddie slipped a blindfold over Blitzen’s eyes and tickled her pussy, while pressing his thumb into her butt. “Just making sure you are properly lubed!” he quipped. Blitzen smiled sweetly – not seeming to mind that Eddie was casually fingering her in front of everyone.

The chorus of the techno song Blitzen liked began – the beats were infectious.

Are you ready?

Aha, aha, aha aha

The chorus chanted, “Ancients of Mu Mu!”

A few of the guys wisecracked “MOO-MOO!” like Blitzen was a cow.

Eddie had Gary blindfolded and was already spinning him. “Ever have reindeer milk?” he asked Gary.

“Nope, what does it taste like?”

“Come suck on my dick and you can find out,” Eddie laughed.

“Hey now! You’ve got three pretty reindeer over here waiting to lick a yule log!” Daisy begged for attention – I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not. No one took her up on her offer, so I assumed not.

Gary stumbled, laughing, and jabbed the head of the dildo into the middle of Blitzen’s back.

“Ouchie!” she scrunched her nose.

At least Gary apologized to Blitzen. He removed his blindfold to see where he hit – square in the middle of the spine.

“No problem, I am made of tough stuff, no harm, no foul,” Blitzen accepted his apology graciously.

“Gary, her asshole is way down here, what were you aiming for?” Eddie chuckled and stuck his finger in between her butt cheeks. Blitzen didn’t slap his hands away.

I felt a jealous, possessive energy course through my veins. I was her “rider” – shouldn’t he consult with me?

A rapper with what I assumed was a British accent spat out the lyrics to the techno song;

Blitzen was already back to shaking her hips slowly back and forth and turned around, ready for another try.

“Give it to me, Marty!” Blitzen puckered her lips and blew him a kiss before securing her blindfold and pressing her nose to the wall – sticking out her ass and offering him a chance.

Once again, I felt another shock of possessive energy. Who the fuck even was Marty? He would be banging my sister tonight! Wasn’t that enough for him?

“I might sell it to you; how much is it worth to you?” Marty spun the Peppermint colored candy dildo in his hands while Eddie secured his blindfolded and started to spin him around.

“Ooh, we may have to work out a trade, Sir!” Blitzen offered herself sexually in a very sweet-sexy Betty Boop voice.

“You’ve got more miles on you than my old Chevy, and I’ve got a college co-ed who hot to trot waiting to sit on my dick tonight. Do you think I’d trade for a fat pair of ham flaps, a stretched-out balloon knot, and two saggy milk jugs? You have to bring a little something more to the table, twat!”

Marty stalked forward. I really loathed his swagger – who was he to put this woman down? He was some middle-aged weirdo with glasses.

The others cheered, teased, taunted, and offered advice about being warm, hot, cold, but most of it was confusing.

“That’s all I’ve got! What would you like?” Blitzen offered with kindness. A far cry from the trash talk the other women had tried.

Some of the men offered up what I assumed were bizarre sex acts. “Wolfbag her!”

“Let him have an Alligator fuckhouse!” Eddie shouted.

“Do a Charizard,” Evan spoke up.

“What’s a Charizard?” some of the other guys wanted to know.

“It only works if the girl has pubic hair,” Evan grinned. “Then you give her a Charizard. This is when you light her pubes on fire as you are about to come. And then you put out some of the fire with your cum, then run out of the room screaming, “You don’t have enough badges to train me!”

I laughed because I got the reference, but I think the others laughed because it was so absurd.

“How come you never try anything wild like that with me?” my sister yelled over her shoulder.

“It’s just a frat-guy joke,” Evan laughed, saying that he wasn’t really serious.

“I’d try it,” Blitzen said softly – I am not sure the others heard.

“Tell Marty you’ll let him give you an Alabama Hot Pocket,” Daisy suggested next.

“What’s that?” Blitzen asked as Marty felt along her thigh. Eddie smacked his hand and spun him again. You weren’t supposed to use the woman’s body to guide you like that. You had one chance and one chance only. He could have touched her briefly and then stabbed for one of her holes.

“No Magellaning,” Eddie said. I had never heard that term until the party- it meant using the woman’s body as a guide to navigate. “Alabama Hot Pocket is something even most DSL wouldn’t do. “Woman gets on her back, kicks her legs up, peel back her pussy lips nice and wide, spit chewing tobacco inside and close it up while she kicks her legs!”

People laughed and made disgusted faces over the description of what I assumed was a completely made-up sex-act that nobody would ever do.

“Nah,” Daisy disagreed. “You pour crystal hot sauce in her hole!”

“You have your way, I have my way,” Eddie shrugged- I hoped they were both kidding.

“Tell you what, give me a Rusty Trombone if I stick this where you want me to lick this, and we’ll call it even,” Marty offered – everyone at the party laughed loudly. “That’s when you give a guy a rim job and a hand job at the same time and jerk him off; looks like you are playing a trombone ... with a ‘rusty,’ brown mouthpiece.”

Marty even made hand motions to pantomime the act while soaking up applause and laughs. Blitzen scrunched her nose in disgust. It turns out this was all for nothing because Marty tripped over his own feet, landed on Blitzen’s ass, and hit the floor.

“Oh my gosh, I am sorry,” Blitzen pulled off her blindfold and helped him back up.

“So, I suppose a blowjob is out of the question, then?” Marty asked like a smart-ass as she helped him up.

“I’ll give every one of you more than that if you put me in the winner’s circle and feed me mistletoe,” Blitzen offered boldly – suggesting she didn’t want to go Christmas caroling.

Instead of wisecracking or making comments, several of the guys looked down and didn’t seem all that interested. I could Blitzen internalize the rejection.

“I am going to make you suck my dick AND go Christmas caroling, how about that?” I shouted above the others. I waited, almost closing my eyes because I didn’t want to see her face if I had just piled on to what the others were doing.

Blitzen smiled - broadly, and there was some cheering and laughter.

“I’m not much of a singer, but I suck cock pretty well,” she stuck the tip of the dildo in her mouth as she reapplied lube. She made a disgusting face when she did and said it definitely did not taste like peppermint.

My sister only laughed and said to use your imagination. “DSL girls get used to all sorts of foul tastes- dirty, old cocks, nasty, wet pussies, sweaty asses – you want to be one of us, you better learn to lick that dildo and call it peppermint, Twat!”

The other DSL ladies cheered, and Blitzen doubled down on tasting the tip of the dildo -pretending it may be delicious chocolate chip cookie dough instead of sex lube off of a latex dildo that had just fallen on the floor.

I was hoping that Blitzen would elaborate on the blowjob she was going to give me, but the moment had passed. I was bringing up the rear. The only one after me who had a shot at pinning Blitzen was Jerry.

Up next was my sister’s handsome boyfriend, Evan.

He seemed like a nice, unassuming guy – above some of the behavior at the party, but he was starting to get into the vibe. Ozzy Osborne’s voice sang out, “All aboard, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” as the song changed.

“Oh yes!!” Evan played the air guitar, thrilled at the song choice. At the same time, half the crowd, including Blitzen, did the same thing. She dutifully returned to stand with her nose pressed up against the corner after strumming a few power chords on her invisible guitar. I could picture her in high school as Teacher’s pet – the rule follower who obediently did all the extra credit and brought the teacher an Apple every day.

“Good choice, Uncle Eddie,” Evan said as Eddie put the blindfold on him.

“If I am your uncle, you are fucking your cousin,” Eddie delivered the line deadpan, making it even more hilarious.

“Well, in your family, I guess that’s normal? Sister’s kissing, Dad, son, daughter, it’s a family affair, isn’t it?” Evan joked – awkwardly.

“I am from the deep south,” Daisy yelled out, “What’s your excuse?”

“Touche’” Evan was a good sport about it. “It’s just got to be a little weird – gang bangs and stuff?”

“We aren’t making babies with each other, so it’s just sex – a little friendly game. Everybody is here because they want to be here, Evan. Do you want to be here?” Eddie asked.

“I am just as new to this as Nick, I am just asking questions,” Evan looked right at me – for validation. I shrugged and nodded.

“Donder, did you invite your boyfriend to a wife swap party and NOT tell him how this all worked?” Dad asked with a frown.

“I told you all about it, Evan. You said you thought my Mom and Aunt were hot, and you couldn’t wait to get in here and bone them both!” Donder frowned right back and pouted – stopped swishing her ass back and forth momentarily.

Comet and Cupid both gave an obligatory holler – sort of a rebel yell.

“That was kind of pillow talk fantasy; now that I am here – I am actually doing this! It’s like – wow. Can I have another drink first?”

“Sure thing, nephew,” Eddie poured Evan a shot and handed it to him.

Blitzen was patiently waiting – ass out, legs wide apart, tits and nose to the wall, hands on her ass cheeks now – pulling them apart as far as she could.

“Hang on,” Evan said, pulling off his blindfold and casually placing it on the top of Blitzen’s ass as if it were a table. Without missing a beat, he set his shot glass down on her ass. Blitzen’s bubble butt was so big that it jutted out like a shelf that he could set his drink down on. I could only imagine having your ass used as human furniture was the biggest humiliation yet for her.

The room erupted into laughter, the absurdity of him using my reindeer as a makeshift table cracking everyone up. Evan straightened his posture, adjusted his hair, and coolly downed the shot before placing the glass back on Blitzen’s ass with a grin.

She was okay with the joke – even amused by it. He put the blindfold back on and said he was ready.

Eddie was amused, too – his face indicating he approved of the clever little dig. He spun Evan a few times, and Evan wandered around -heading toward the winner’s circle – ignoring everyone’s advice to turn around. At first, I thought it was an accident, but he was cheating. He had pulled his blindfold up a bit when he put it back on and could see.

He pretend-stumbled over to my sister, grabbed her in his arms, and gave her a kiss. “Evan! Play the game right!” she protested- but not too much.

“Hey, I was missing you!!”

“Thank you, Sir, that’s very kind of you. I missed you too, and we’ll be together soon,” my sister offered submissively and sweetly, grabbing him one last time before he could walk away and planting a proper kiss on his lips.

Eddie was going to give him another go – but Evan surrendered his turn for his romantic gesture.

It was Harold, Dad, Eddie, and then me. I had made up my mind, I would try to pin Blitzen, and I would do it in her asshole. I needed to think of something clever to say. The other guys made it seem so effortless and spontaneous.

Harold was up next, “Blitzen, other than sucking cock, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?”

“Baking cookies, why?” she answered innocently.

“Makes sense—you look like you ate every batch.”

“Oh, I felt that burn from way back here,” Prancer shivered, and several people cringe-laughed.