Chapter 66: Decide

May 24, 1984, Chicago, Illinois

Kayleigh and I took the elevator down to the lobby of the building, and at her suggestion, we went to a café about a block from the building. We were seated in a booth, and both ordered burgers.

"I want to ask some questions," Kayleigh said, "but I'm not sure how you'll take them."

"The only way you could offend me is by refusing to have a conversation or by not respecting my views. That doesn't mean you have to agree; just acknowledge that I'm as entitled to my opinions as you are. What did you want to ask?"

"What do you think happens when we die?"

"Best evidence is nothing. The electrochemical processes that constitute our consciousness and who we are will simply stop. If there is an 'afterlife' of any kind, it's our spirit living on in the hearts and minds of people we knew while we were alive. By 'spirit', I don't mean a soul or ghost or animating force, just memories."

"Doesn't that make life meaningless?"

"Does it? Was Martin Luther King Jr.'s life meaningless? Or Winston Churchill's? Or, for that matter, Jesus of Nazareth's? Or, thinking more personally, my life certainly has meaning to my daughter and her mother, and did to my wife. And that applies to everyone, even if they aren't famous.

"Turning the tables, I'd ask you how going to Heaven or Valhalla or wherever would give your life meaning. And what about those who would end up in Hell or Tartarus? How does their life have meaning if they're being tortured for eternity for breaking some arbitrary rule?"

"Arbitrary rule?"

"Arbitrary because even the followers of Abraham's god can't agree on the rules. Heck, Christians can't agree on the rules amongst themselves! And even if they do agree on some things, their heroes break them with impunity."

"Heroes?"

"Saints, great men and women, whatever you want to call them. David, Solomon, and even Abraham didn't toe the line from what I understand. Honestly, your church has priests who aren't allowed to marry, plus a pope; other churches allow their ministers to marry and don't have a pope. My Jewish friend says that Jews don't agree with each other on all the rules. I don't know enough about Islam to say, but I know Iran and Iraq have two different forms of Islam, and they're fighting a war, at least partly because of that."

"Thou shalt not kill?"

"I once read that actually means 'do not commit murder', and the definition of 'murder' is a legal one. Well, unless there's something in the Bible that defines it. Is there?"

"I don't think so; at least not the way you mean."

"Not to mention Abraham's god ordering his followers to kill pagans or anyone who stood in their way."

Our food arrived, and we began eating.

"So, how do you know what's right and wrong?" Kayleigh asked.

"Your Bible tells you straight up — 'love your neighbor as yourself' and 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. It can't get much simpler than that. If I don't want people to steal my stuff, I don't steal theirs. If I don't want someone to sleep with my wife, I don't sleep with theirs. Remember, I'm not arguing for no punishment or no consequences, only against arbitrary rules that were made up well over a thousand years ago."

"So you can just do whatever you want?"

"So long as I don't hurt anyone? Absolutely. Even the regulations I have to follow fit my philosophy because they're about not cheating my clients or lying to the government or the public and being transparent so that we can have a rational, orderly market."

"So it's just a matter of not hurting someone? Everything else is OK?"

"In the sense that I'm free to do it? Sure. But that doesn't mean it's wise or logical. Or that it won't have consequences."

"You sound like my grandfather in the conversations I've had with him."

"I'm not surprised, in that both of our jobs require logical analysis, depend on consistency, and have to follow precedent. In my job, like your grandfather's, you can be innovative, but you have to be damned sure you're right because otherwise, you lose — for him a case or his law license; for me money or my securities licenses."

"Doesn't it bother you that everything ends when you die?"

"I'm reasonably certain I won't care at that point because I won't be in any state to care. That said, I do miss Keiko, and it would be nice to think that we'll be together again, but wishing for something to be true doesn't make it true. I think the entire concept of Heaven is wishful thinking, and the entire concept of Hell is a threat to get people to toe the line."

"And Jesus?"

"Was a rabble-rouser who annoyed the Romans. That's it. He was just a man. If he'd stuck to carpentry, we'd never have heard of him. And we only know about him from stuff his followers wrote down after he died. I can at least read Martin Luther King Jr.'s own writings and listen to his speeches or read Thomas Jefferson's letters and the Declaration of Independence. That's not true with Jesus."

"Did you ever believe?"

"No. Unlike your grandfather, I was never a Christian. My mom was, but she was kicked out of her church and her house for getting pregnant with me when she was sixteen. You can imagine what she thinks of Christianity. And by the way, my grandparents are hard-core fundamentalists who don't think you are a Christian."

"Of course I'm a Christian!" Kayleigh protested. "Catholics are Christians."

"Not according to my grandfather's church. So, who do I believe? Him? You? The Pope? And why believe any of it when it's not necessary for the operation of the universe? Believe what you want; it's a free country. Just don't ask me to believe any of it because none of it makes sense to me, none of it is necessary, and none of it has even the tiniest shred of evidence to support it."

"That's harsh."

"And yet, it's true. Remember, I'm not the one making the claim here; you are. If you have proof, I'd sure like to see it. If I claim a thing exists, it's on me to prove it. If I don't believe a thing exists and you want me to, then it's not on me to prove it."

"Faith?"

"I have faith the sun will rise in the east and set in the west tomorrow because the laws of physics say that it will, not because it's Helios or Apollo riding a chariot across the sky! The teachings of your church are no different from the Greek, Norse, or Japanese myths. And therein lies the core problem – if you and I were to have some kind of relationship and have kids, that's what they would hear from me."

"Some kind of relationship?"

"At this point, I believe it's highly unlikely I'll ever marry, but it's possible I'll have a committed, long-term relationship. To be blunt, if you're thinking I'm 'husband' material, I'm probably not. Boyfriend material? Maybe, but there's a serious chasm I think is obvious from this conversation."

"You're implying we'd have sex without being married."

"That is how I came into the world, as did my daughter, as did my sole cousin. My family is pretty much batting a thousand on children conceived out of wedlock. Remember, I don't buy the arbitrary rules, and that includes rules against having sex. If I remember correctly, the Ten Commandments only forbid adultery, which is a violation of trust and commitment, so I'm fully behind that rule. Cheating is wrong, and I won't have anything to do with it."

"I'm not sure I could do that without being married."

"And that's fine, so long as you only apply the rule to yourself. And if you keep it, you're also welcome to apply it to anyone you'd consider marrying. And yes, I follow my own rules and apply the same standards — whether a girl is a virgin or not isn't important to me. If it's important to her, then I'm probably not the right guy for her."

"What about when your daughter is a teenager?"

"She'll have to make that decision for herself. I'm not going to be a hypocrite."

"And you just go to bed with whoever you want whenever you want? And she could do the same?"

"Yes, but guess what? So do you. In your case, 'whenever' is after you marry, and 'whoever' is the person you marry. In other words, it's up to you just like it's up to me, and just like it will be up to Sofía when she's a teenager. In other words, logically, we agree on the concept; we just apply different standards."

"I feel like someone scrambled my brain! I object, and the logic is perverse, but I can't find a flaw."

"Oh, I'm sure my arguments are flawed because I haven't fleshed them out, but when it comes right down to it, and you strip away all the religious trappings, we have sex with whom we want when we want. And here's another point — you consider me as a potential 'who', and we are, in effect, negotiating 'when'."

"WHAT?!" Kayleigh gasped.

"I'm not saying this is possible, but consider the situation where I agreed to speak to your priest, agreed to the rules, promised you not to try to deter our children from being Catholic, and asked you to marry me. Would you at least consider it?"

"I think so, yes."

"So, as I said, we're negotiating 'when'. That could be never if we don't come to some kind of agreement, which I have to say is unlikely; but equally unlikely is you coming home with me and spending the night."

"Did you just proposition me?"

"I simply said the quiet part out loud," I replied. "Dating, and that is what we're doing even if it's not traditional, has two logical conclusions — ending the relationship or going to bed together. Well, I suppose it would be possible to date until death and never go to bed together, but logically, that is where the relationship ends, if you don't terminate it."

"I ... uhm ... don't know what to say to that."

"If I offended you, I'm sorry, but I felt all of that had to be said."

"Not offended, just my brain is twisted in knots like a pretzel. You've had this conversation before, haven't you?"

"Yes, and it always ends the same way — the relationship ends."

"Because if I don't go to bed with you, you'll stop seeing me."

"You can draw that conclusion, but it really is more about diverging worldviews. And remember, I promised to make time to talk to you when you asked, which you did today. Something is driving you to talk to me, and I think if you can figure that out, then you'll have a better idea of what you should do."

We finished eating, and after I paid the check, I walked Kayleigh back to the building where Hart-Lincoln had their offices. I headed back to the Hancock Center, and as I walked, I wondered about Kayleigh's continued interest. Our worldviews diverged significantly, and she was clearly struggling with a conflict between her faith and her desire to begin a relationship with me.

The challenge Kayleigh faced was similar to the one Rachel Kealty had faced — there was no chance I was going to become a Christian of any sort, nor any chance I was going to accept the Christian worldview, whereby I was considered a grave sinner for how I chose to conduct my life. That meant that Kayleigh would have to change, and I didn't see that happening any more than I'd felt Rachel had truly abandoned her belief system.

Both of them were different from Nikki, who wasn't devout, and as such, religion wouldn't really interfere in a relationship. The challenge she faced was one several others faced — that I wasn't prepared to marry again, nor was I ready to enter into a committed, long-term relationship. That had been the ultimate factor that had led to breakups in the past, including Phoebe, Huifen, and Clara.

In my mind, Taya was handling things exactly right — she had expressed an interest in a relationship but acknowledged that until she completed her degree at Princeton, it was impractical. That lengthened the timeline significantly, and I was reasonably confident I'd be in a proper state of mind to make that kind of decision.

Of course, Violet's recovery had created a situation I had thought would never come to pass. That was something I had to give serious consideration, given how I felt about her. I was thankful she wasn't pushing things, which gave me time to try to figure out the best way forward. My relationship with her was probably the most traditional one I'd had — we got to know each other, started going out, and then started kissing and touching. Nearly every other girl I'd been with had been in my bed almost immediately.

As I thought about it, that really came down to two girls — Allyson and Ellie — who had more or less orchestrated me being with at least two dozen girls, probably more if I stopped to count. Without Allyson's parties and Ellie's baseball games, my life would have been very different, as I wouldn't have met Bianca, Shelly, Huifen, or, most importantly, Keiko.

"Got a sec?" Violet asked when I walked into the Research Department.

I invited her into my office, and she shut the door.

"Were you going to come to the house on Saturday morning for breakfast?" she asked.

"I'm going to be posing for an art student at 8:00am," I said. "I agreed to do that because I don't have class for the next two weeks. You and I will see each other on Sunday for the Cubs game with Jack and Kristy. After the game, you and I will go to dinner, just the two of us. And I'll see you on Monday at the Memorial Day Party."

"No need to get defensive!" Violet replied with a smile. "I was asking because I knew you didn't have class. What medium is the art student using?"

"This time, it's charcoal and then paint. I'll probably be there for four or five hours. She took photos and made pencil sketches last time. She needs to make a clay model, though she'll mostly do that from the photos, and then from that, she'll make plaster and bronze castings."

"What do you wear?"

"Nothing."

"Seriously?!"

"Seriously. When I posed for Deanna's drawing class, I was nude about a third of the time. She also painted a pair of portraits of Bianca, Sofía, and me nude."

"I obviously haven't seen those!"

"They're in the gallery room in the condo, though Deanna put them away for the housewarming party because we didn't want to offend Keiko's extended family."

"Her grandfather is pretty cool," Violet observed. "I also talked to her cousin at the housewarming party, and she's a real sweetheart, though she's only about ten."

"Eight, I think, but I'm not completely sure. About those paintings, you're welcome to see them next time you're at the condo. I wasn't trying to hide them from you."

Violet smiled, "I think I'll wait to see you when we eventually make love. When can we go driving?"

I almost laughed at the abrupt change of topics, but I knew that was Violet's way of keeping things under some semblance of control.

"Saturday afternoons after class would probably work. Let's plan on that, if it works for you."

"It does."

She left my office, and I returned to work. At 3:00pm, I called Belarus Tractors to speak to Nikki. I had promised to call, and by calling when she was at work, there was a natural limit to the length of the call and the topics we could discuss. Given the situation, that seemed best.

"Belarus Tractors! How may I direct your call?"

"Hi, it's Jonathan. I was calling as I promised. If you can't talk right now, I understand."

"It's OK. As weird as it might seem, I think we should have at least one more date. Are you free this Saturday?"

"No, but I'm free the following Saturday."

"I'll drive down, if that's OK. How about 10:00am and we can go to the Art Institute?"

"Sounds good. Meet there?"

"Yes, by the lions."

"I'll see you on the 2nd."

"I'm looking forward to it!" Nikki exclaimed.

We said 'goodbye', and I ended the call, a bit surprised at the turn of events. I had fully expected her not to want to see me again, but, like Kayleigh, she was trying to find a way forward. I had serious doubts about either situation, but I enjoyed their company and the discussions, even if they were a bit frustrating at times.

What was interesting to me was the recent set of girls — Krissy, Kayleigh, and Nikki — where sex wasn't immediately on the table. That was quite the change from the past, but again, that was because of my willing participation in the parties and baseball games. I had developed several good relationships from what might be called 'fuck first, friends later', but now I was developing friendships first, and the primary example was Violet.

I'd turned down a few girls recently because it hadn't felt 'right', whatever that meant. That had given me pause with regard to Natasha's friend, but I had an out by simply declining if Erin and I didn't click. In the past, I'd likely not have given it a second thought and agreed. Now, I was thinking more about relationships and how a new girl might fit into my life. That was far different from how I'd acted in the past.

Part of it, I was sure, was the arrival of Sofía and the responsibility she added to my life. No longer was I only responsible for myself, but also for a child I'd fathered. Whatever might happen in the future, I had to consider her interests. At the moment, they were minimal — food, shelter, clothing, and clean diapers. That would change as she grew, and I'd have to adapt.

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused instead on research, as well as a review of my portfolio positions to see if I needed to make any adjustments. Continental Illinois stock was trading several dollars higher from where I'd sold it, and the Fed intervention seemed to have stabilized the situation.

At 5:00pm, I locked my desk and headed up to the condo. There was nothing important in the mail, so I went upstairs right away to change clothes. Five minutes later, I was downstairs with Deanna, Bianca, and Sofía, along with Jessica and «Abuela». As usual, CeCi was at work, and Jessica left at 6:00pm when «Abuela» called us to the table.